The Path

The path, journey,

The ups and downs,

And on it goes, through this path,

A on-going gradual path,

Into the sunlight,

Into night.

Into life.

The path walked,

Many times, and never simultaneously.

The times shared, the sun felt.

The sound of the guitar in the backdrop.

The sun setting on the horizon,

To be followed by night, then day.

The ongoing times, of sun and bright feelings.

The need to remember, the need to hold on.

An emotional rollercoaster,

Of ecstasy and emptiness.

The times gone through.

The experiences felt.

The sun shining down on the ground.

On the warm face,

The light.

The happiness and sadness.

Both at one.

Together in feeling.

Both making us human.

This is the ongoing path.

The confusion and doubt, with the aftertaste of faith.

The need for meaning,

The meaning behind being.

The grace of living, loving, being and making use of the finite time.

The time to be spent,

Loved,

Lived.

That path taken. That path of life.

The path we all walk.

The path.
Written reflecting on the book ‘Stoner’ by John Williams

My Affliction.

Memory of what should be let go.

Hearing that mustn’t be heard.

Senses heightened, for what shouldn’t be known.

To let myself live, in the present. At all.

The affliction of knowing, when one should ignore.

Caring too much as I need to break out.

Break my chains, my mind and spirit.

Break apart all that is held together.

Broken and shattered through my affliction.

Just Want To Forget.

Just want to forget,

To erase my mind,

To go on living,

As I try to make something of myself,

Get myself out of the dark ocean.

To set sail out into my world of my own.

To forget the darkness of the past,

The times to be forgotten.

To make my escape.

To start anew,

My new self, a new life.

The end of me.

Just wanting to forget, so I can escape.

Just want to forget.

Reminder Of Me

A reminder of me,

Who I used to be,

Free eternal, unbound and unchained.

Free-thinking, a spirit in good health.

Loving life for the friends who’ve touched me,

Those who unknowingly saved me.

To those I would do the same.

To save, to walk the ends of the earth for,

Those kind few, who reminded me of me,

Me of who I was,

Me of the worth of living.

The escape from a horrid past,

The needless pain,

To those who confirmed,

Who backed,

Those who supported.

I hold you dear.

Dear to my soul.

Dear to my being.

Those who reminded me of who I am and who I need to be, should be, will be.

Irreversible Loss

This irreversible loss,

My face turned away,

My mind closed off, left out

Not in agreement,

A shattered soul, in a cage

The emptiness and panic

To walk away,

Cut completely out,

The heart, mind and feeling.

To empty the shell,

To walk away,

Cut it out,

Empty my mind.

To walk away,

Leave it behind,

Cut it out.

To embrace the irreversible loss.

Of mind, life, feeling and meaning.

To embrace the emptiness,

A pinnacle of irreversible loss.

A Goodbye I don’t Know How to Say

Goodbyes,
So hard to say,
To put a world and mind into words,
To say you have to go.

Can words every put your mind into theirs?

Can the feelings be truly shared?

Goodbyes are hard to say,
Even when they’re the easiest.

Goodbye, my dear friend.
The one I care for,
One I care about.

You said you missed me,
Not to lose touch.

You said you understood,
But you don’t. Through no fault of your own.

I am sorry,
Goodbyes are hard to say,
I do not know how to say it.
If to say it.

The torture I go through,
Goodbye needs to be said.

But it isn’t that simple.

You make me the happiest I have ever been,
But also the most sad and hurt.

I never want to hurt you.
So should I hurt you, to make the goodbye easier?

Should I stop contact?
Be a person who was just once a memory,
Good or bad,
But lost to time,
to circumstance.

Goodbyes are hard.
How to put them into words.

How to explain that you’d understand.

I never wanted to hurt you,
I care for you,
But it kills me,
Like you’ll never know.

But what’s worse than it killing me,
Is to know I’m hurting you.

That is why.

The mere reason.

I have not said goodbye.
Do not want to, even though I do.

The feelings I’ll sorely miss,
The feeling of living,
The feeling of being.

All I can hope for from this goodbye,
Is not to be left with feeling,
But to have the pain taken away.

Goodbyes are hard.

This is…

A goodbye I don’t know how to say.

Carve It Out

Carve it out.

That heart that pains me,

The brain that pains me,

The gut that drags me down.

The depths that claw at me,

Bringing me into their deadly grip.

The ice cold feeling,

The burning raging inside.

The blows and strikes that weaken me,

The reality that taints me.

Being that kills me.

The grip that chokes me.

The numbness that throws me down.

This is the feeling that rips me apart.

Time to carve it out.

Carve out what makes me, me.

Carve out the feeling, the love, the pain, the suffering.

No matter the toll it takes.

The feeling that bursts out of my chest in flames.

The silence, my only friend.

Yet also my enemy.

The deadly grip wrapping itself around my neck.

To carve out the heart.

Leaving me with nothing.

An empty vessel.

A pained juxtaposition.

Carve out the heart that breaks me.

The Pain of Feeling

The pain of feeling, of understanding
Feeling the pain of another, through empathy,
The caring brings pain.

Understanding and kindness,
The two-way-door,
An insight into their feelings,
Yet it takes it toll,
The pain passes, like a virus,

The caring for those in trouble,
Brings the trouble into your own heart.

It is still worth it.
To care.
To understand.
To help.

Yet it causes hurt.
Yet it causes pain.

Compassion, the great equaliser of emotions.

Opening your heart unto them, to understand.
Also opens your heart to the pain.

That is the pain of understanding.

That is the pain of feeling.

 


 

I’ve wanted to write a poem about this aspect for a couple of days now but couldn’t find words until now. This is something I’ve experienced for years, it may be a friend going through something serious like a breakup or family trouble or someone merely being upset at a trivial and silly thing that they may complain about and forget 10 minutes later. However, I try to understand their situation and feel their pain, yet it lasts, it hurts, one recent example was a familymember being disatisifed by their meal at a restaurant (something small and trivial, I know). However, I took it in, felt  bad for hours after, they were glad I enjoyed myself, but I felt like they didn’t, like they may have regretted the meal, like there was something wrong. Probably I felt worse about it than they did, I do not even know why. This is a mere recent example of something I’ve found happen many times.