Being In Moment

Being in the moment,
Living in the time,
Nothing else mattering,
Looking at this vista,
Taking in all the sights that are before me.

As I see the patterns,
The beauty in all the shapes of being.
Out there and I see,
I see and it makes me,
Made by me,
Again acting in turn,
Bringing me to find a way,
Allowing me,
To find my own.

All in this moment,
The sweet song sings.
Nothing to fade this feeling.
I can grasp onto,
Never letting go,
Because I can make it through,
Because I will make it through,
Make it my own.
Bringing forth my light.
Finally can put my demons to rest,
Never gone, but enough to hide them and starve them out of me.

Oh how this time passes.
All the songs singing,
As the times all go,
And I, through them, all the way.


Had the most amazing day, relatively uneventful until messaging on Snapchat. Just amazing, lots of random I significant stuff but apparently not so much, had made me feel so high, enough to erase or push back any hardships for like over a month. Never have I ever been happy like this, let alone for this long, or resilience to anything. To be honest, it’s hard to be confident or resilient if “the truth” is shown contrary, but I’ve been shown another side, one that’s brought, and I’ll bring with it.

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All The Pieces

All the pieces of that sunset,
All those sweetest moments,
Those greatest of times,
All the pieces of a shattered time,
Falling into place,
Not without their moments,
Not without their trials,
But the pieces are fitting into place.

Confidence when it was all but there,
Happiness when living was all a wait,
Meaning when I had no outlet,
Voice after I had none.

The beauty of living in a time,
Being in the moment,
Living with meaning,
Meaning, my own,
Being,
Seeing and trying, with kindness,
Kindness in my heart,
In life and trying.


Happiest of All Feelings

Happiest of all feelings,
Feeling in place,
Confident,
Resilient to stressors,
A barrier in my mind,
Happiness holding up,
Against all stress that would otherwise crush me,
A prop to keep hold,
To push the demons away,
To see them for what they truly are.

Bringing,
To be with the happiest of feelings,
Feeling at peace in my mind,
Never been such a time,
Confidence, kindness and life.
Being and happy.
Existing and making it,
Feeling the warmth of life,
I had forgotten.

Had been lost and losing,
Giving up and waiting,
Not knowing,
How it being,
What needing.

The best of feelings,
The best of being,
Seeing and feeling.
Breaking apart anxieties,
Bringing forth some more,
But crushing those also.
To show the fears as lies,
The illusions of the demons within my mind.
A clearing of the fog,
Making pure,
Feeling and being,
In whatever is being done,
Not craving a mere distraction,
But being in totality.
Anticipation and looking forward and upwards,
Hoping and claiming such nice changes.

Being in and within the happiest of feelings.

As the landscape, the vista clears.
It all grows and glows warm,
Radiant and clear,
Beautiful life before,
Showing the truth,
One I had stopped seeing.
Stopped being and feeling.

A reminder of living,
By life of being, making, feeling.

Alive after so long,
So long the delusion, the lies trying to believe.
The substitute for nothing.
But now this feeling,
Tries to grow,
To shape and be.
As I try to keep hold,
Feeling anxieties try and grow,
But the feeling,
On my side,
Pushing back, and away.

Feeling in totality of being.
It all coming together.
Confidence to be,
To push the anxiety away,
To try and change,
To be better and make it all myself.


Been feeling amazingly happy last night and all today, even being late for work this morning, was shit, but didn’t get me down like it otherwise would have, lots of small things but I’m just happy and have been since yesterday evening and for the longest consecutive period I think. Feeling amazing and resilient to bad stuff, able to set my mind on the right track to get past the cycling of anxiety, worry, anger and depression.

Feeling amazing without words to describe, wanted to right about it last night but was too tired and wanted to go to bed earlier.

Just feeling so amazing, more than I have In, as long as I really can remember truly. Amazing. Feeling clear. Feeling nice and better within myself, within my own skin, within my own mind. Feeling able and confident to do good by me, to try hard. To do and feel proud.

Sadness of Beauty

The sadness of beauty,
Coming free from life,
As it’s to be seen.
Felt, experienced and lived.
Just being free,
Being trapped in the feeling,
Letting yourself go free.
Free to be.

Oh how it all wells up.
Like a sunset in full bloom,
All the radiant colours,
Beauty to be seen.
Colours lighting up the sky,
Colours letting free,
Freeing me.

Warmth from it all,
Living in the feeling.
Just thinking,
Of being free,
But in the moment it’s all.

Just witnessing the beauty,
As the world lights up,
Showing me the way,
Showing and freeing me.

Beauty from it all,

The colours and feelings,
Varied and happy,
Living and being,
Not letting a step go,
The step, in a journey for me.

To stand tall,
And give it a try.
To show my mark,
Live my life,
In the moment of feeling.

As I try to be.


Thinking, about lots. Myself for example, even work today, started rough but ended well. Lots of stuff. Beauty like in my photography but coming from sadness. Happiness, sadness, pain, and joy all being one and connected and inseparable.

On the bus today, felt suddenly overwhelmed when going to do some photography, an overwhelming sadness from happiness, felt on the verge to tears, but held it all in.

Sadness In Heart

Sadness gripping my heart,
What I cannot deny,
Getting harder,
Harder to ignore.

Can’t turn my mind away,
Can’t ignore all feeling to wait for it to leave,
The plague on my mind,
One that’s so kind but also hurts.

Thinking and thinking,
The worries plaguing my mind,
So many things,
In a state of change,
I have to find a way,
To navigate the confines of my mind.
That plague me with worry and fear,
Questioning every thought, feeling and outcome.

Gripping,
How this deep sadness plagues me so,
To a numbing moment.
Hurting,
aching.
Until I can set my mind to leave.
To see the world-flow.

Hurt But I Feel Alive

Hurt but I feel alive,
Happiness, from this happy-sad feeling,
The times, as they all pass,
As they flow,
Nothing fully better,
But at the same time. Yes.

Important to feel and be, in the moment, to feel alive,
To be and find,
The motivation,
The being, feeling and time.
Being,
In this moment,
To see, what I’ll see.
To try against all the pain,
Just needing, this leg-up,
A leg-up to try,
To try and carry on,
To continue this path,
To clear the clouds of the mind.
To find,
To make the most of every moment, again.

To just be.
At peace,
It may be just for now,
It may last some longer,
But from forth,
It’ll all free me.
It’ll free me.

It’ll let me be me.
Let me be glad,
And feel alive.

Happy-sad, alive and free.
Just trying,
Trying to be,
Trying to cope,
Making the most,
And allowing me to be me.


Today’s been better, work busy but good but still felt like my mind was going to pull me down. I knew it was gonna, felt it while waiting at the bus stop. Saw some friends from work, ones I don’t really know that well. We chatted for ages at the stop and on the bus, this brought me back. Made me feel alive, better. Also a happy-sad feeling of being alive, hard to explain. Such a small thing, made me feel alive. Really can’t describe. Feeling so happy I’m kinda on the verge of tears, the small thing that always shone through and brought me happiness, it was a part of it. I guess poetically (irony for a poetry-blog haha) this small thing allowed the small light always there shine through even when I stopped seeing it.

Listening to a happy-sad song, Summer Days by Galantis, it helps, helps. This song, sums up a lot. The hurt, the feeling better, the sadness, the cause, the experiences and it all.

On my way to a photography location, felt tired at the bus stop, exhausted, going to go home and sleep and “waste” the day, the nice day, before my mind changing and exhaustion evaporating and having the ideas, motivation and inspiration to go out for the first time in a couple weeks.

Existing In Emptiness

Existing in emptiness,
This unsettling existance,
An emptiness true and sad,
Breaking apart,
Leaving empty,

Leaving nothing to matter,
Nothing to be,
Disassociating from reality,
Wishing and waiting.
Feeling like death,
The pain caused by existence,
Not feeling,
Being without place.

It all feeling disassociative,
Place not to find,
All meaningless,
Where it is all empty,
Hurtful and breaking.

Leading to a rupture,
A break and hurt.

It leaves me,
Hurts me.
Tears my mind apart,
With the war of trying,
Undermining it all,
As it all breaks apart in place,
Tearing me all apart.

My whole existence, a painful lie,

An emptiness,

Always there, just the lie told too sweet.

I give up. Give up the lie that suffocates me.

That chains and cuts me,
Beats me senseless,
Rips and ruptures.

Leaving me nothing,
A broken mess,
Having tried.
But. Broken.
Everything. Broken.


Been writing this for like 2 days. My mood has been terrible. Wrote on my Moodtrack and it explained things, I overall have lost everything, nothing feels anymore. I had aspirations to do research. That now seem impossible. I’m more alone than ever. Most friends have gone, the few I have are leaving soon. I don’t ever really get to meet anyone new so my friends are getting fewer, fewer and fewer. I’m panicking thinking about this right now. Panicking as this is all true. My head is about to burst. Just so scared. I used to feel, care, and all now is empty. I have achieved more than I thought I ever could and achieving has only brought about the realisation of it being all a lie I was working towards and I have no idea, no clue, even photography I’m not sharing, I’m getting less and less motivated to go out and it has less and less of an impact positively on my mood.

It’s all burning up.

I feel like death, but stuck in place.

All these fears, all these worries. Eating at me. I can only ignore the fears for so long. Spending all my brainpower just to ignore. I’m getting less and less able to hide them under a facade around my friends and people I know. It’s all coming to a tipping point. Everything feels like nothing, with no way out and all I can do is hope I don’t wake up.

I can’t take it. I can’t. I can’t. It’s breaking me apart. Everything. Why. Just everything.

Crushing Blow

Crushing blow,
He anger of a angry song.
Ripping apart at my mind.
Crushed under all the weight.
Hating and raging.

Wanting to shout,
Let the rage out.
Exhaustion my saviour,
To rage out,
Scream into the world,
And watch it crumble under the weight.

Tearing at my mind.
Hating my mind.
Crushed under the weight.

Trying and into I tear,
Ripping into the mind I so hate.

Anxiety, existential pain, exhaustion and pain.

All to add to.
Rage.
Till my life crumbles into dust.
To rip every atom apart.

Rage so deep, at my failures, ineptitudes.
I so hate,
To try and be.

Always hiding.
Hiding away,
depression, autism, anxiety and pain.


Ending it abruptly, can’t be bothered. Tired. Stressed day at work. Anxiety through the roof, even a friend inviting me out to an event which I’m glad about and should be excited has got me very anxious with a lot going through my head. Too tired. Was determined to do photography to try and feel better but so exhausted and can’t be bothered. Too tired to think, too tired to do anything, too tired to: do photography; catch up on my favourite tv series. Too tired to even eat, too poor to order a takeaway, too tired to convince myself otherwise. Everything is shit and I just want to sleep. Want to end today. Want to stop.

Can’t even be bothered to write, don’t even know why I do. So done. So done. Doing too much and now so done. Pushing too hard and then I crash. Sick of shit in life, emptiness in existence and the lies I tell knowingly to make it seem okay or barely worth it. And the facade I fake to even appease anxiety in the first place to stop a tragic cycle.

Everything shit, all aspects failing, failed or impossible to begin with. Just shit. Could write all day but I’m exhausted to shit.

Just so done with it all.

Lost In Place

Lost in place,
All the soace around me,
Claustrophobic,
Free to move, bt chained in place,
With lots but without choice,
Mind anchoring, keeping me,
Unmotivated.
Lack of direction, lack of choice,
Makes a lead, to unmotivation.

Havig always had a goal.
Now seen to be a lie,
One I told,
To keep going, trying.
Told, to try and achieve, where not achieving was the only other alternative.
My only choice,
Taken away,
A aim I held for so long. Gone.

Now I exist in limbo,
My own personal hell.
Hoping, trying. But both fading.
I see the life drift from my finger tips,
See the hope drain from my eyes.
My soul fade from hope,
To hatred, unhappiness, emptiness and exhaustion.
All for everything,
Lies I made, needed to believe to give meaning.

A lie I thought could hold if I keep the flame alive,
I didn’t expect the sudden extinguish.

Or did I?

I think I did.
But hiding the truth when it leaked through the lie that needed telling.

A lie I needed. A lie I told.
A lie to fight the loss, emptiness.
A lie now failed,
I find myself.
Lost in place.


Amazing meal out for a friend’s birthday, haven’t seen them almost in a year while we’re all in the same city. A group of friends I almost saw every week for a couple years.

Good to see them. Really needed this, a treat, a reminder.

Still feeling lost, hurt, sad, and without motivation but small things like this, nice times are much needed distractions, things, small times, bringing me back to life.

The poem is dark, has needed to be written, about the gradual process, me since September, maybe even from 2017 a gradual decline I tried to hold back. Now the only things holding it back, my motivation, hope and idea of hard work bearing fruit. All fade, all gone, all shown as the lie I told myself to try and will a reality into being. It was worth the try. It was a good run. Still happy about tonight out, this is an undertone, a constant one for years, but at least I can replay the night in my mind, to offer what little comfort I can forge from it. To lessen pain.

Making me feel living rather than just existing.

Beauty In Being

Beauty in being,
Seeing,
In pain to see what others don’t.
What they won’t,
What they can’t.

True beauty of being,
Seeing,
Trying,
To fight intolerance,
Fighting all social norms,
To allow to see.

To try and to be.
Simply,
To see and show.
To be.
Just to be and to see.


Amazing, great house party. Found my calling. Showing true beauty of being. Beauty in all people, beauty of being, personality, everything. Something I’ve always seen but been dissatisfied with people not seeing their own beauty.

My calling, to show the truth. The truth people don’t see, the truth people overlook.