Looking Up Into The Sky, Seeing Your Eyes

As I look up into the night sky,
I just see your eyes,
As I stare, encapsulated.

Always remembering that first night,
How I wonder.
How things changed.
How times change.

And I am left staring alone into the night sky.
Only seeing you,
Your eyes,
Brighter than the Sun,
Kind, and bringing me to life.
I write, this, never wanting to move,
Wanting time to stop,
As I look up and see your eyes.

But times have changed.
I have to go.
To save myself,
From heartbreak that will never go away.
Always with care,
To always be there if you need.

But I must go.
To save you the pain,
Seeing me break.
Seeing my heart break everytime.
I wonder if you ever cared.
To see my heart break.
But I pause.
And remember.
Looking up and seeing your eyes shine.
Ever so bright,
As ever before.

Beauty without compare.
Beauty in eyes, and in your soul.

I always will save.
A special place,
For you in my heart.
Even as I say goodbye.

Reluctant, but I must.

Now as I try,
To tear myself away,
Difficult,
But remembering I’ll always care,
Fills me with hope.

Always wanting to see your smile.
But knowing I cannot.
It will hurt, but also give me life.

So I say goodbye,
With a heavy heart, and a heavier soul.
Knowing it’s goodbye.
In one way or other.

I can’t break myself anymore.

Though it’s never something you’ve done.

It’s my heart.
I care too much,
And I can’t,
It’s not fair on you,
Nor me.

So I try,
To shut off my mind,
Yet will always keep open my heart.

So I move on.
Knowing,
Nothing will replace,
But the memories stay,
The times remembered.

In every sunset,
I see your face,
Remember the times gone past.
Knowing hope,
From having met you,
For but the briefest time.

A time that cannot be replaced.
But I leave happy,
Having met,
You having touched my soul.
Like no other.

But that is fine,
It’s okay,
I’m happy,
To have met, to have seen your smile,
To have seen your face.

You’ve touched my soul,
More than you can ever know.

For even if you have no feelings for me,
I don’t care,
For I do and keep them.
But goodbye is how I go.

Always caring and hoping,
You get all the best,
For I care.
But only wishing I could share in your success.

But I say goodbye,
Caring from afar.

But I’ll never be far,
If you need to talk,
Will travel however far, to be with you so you’re not alone.
Will be there in the difficult times at your beckon,
Or there in spirit if you don’t.
To offer any comfort and support.
That my body and soul can provide.

For I care,
And always will.
For you hold, this special place in my heart, and that will not change.

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Heart aches

My heart aches,
A life lived.
Seeing it all, made worth,
But it also kills me inside.
Breaks me apart.
But it’s worth it.

How my mind reels, I’ve gotten better, stronger, numb,
But yes. I have lost.
Lost feeling.
But not one.
It’s worth it.

Though I feel it slipping,
I find myself holding on tighter,
A constant reminder,
Self-harm to the highest degree.
Scarring my mind, over and over,
But it is worth it.
For the feeling,
Living life,
I am better.
The scars do not hurt anymore,
I see them. Know them. Let them be my skin. My soul. My story.

They tell of me.
I am stronger.
My heart aches.
It will.
I will never forget,
Do not ever want to forget.

My heart aches,
Pain dulled.
Sadness pervasive, but now I control.
It’s there,
A reminder I keep.
Of a time before.
A time I was happy.

I do not know what to do.
But to be creative,
To show light and tell my story.
To create.

I am sad. But it doesn’t control me.
I am sad.
For the reminder.
It keeps me alive.
Keeps me fighting.
The scars keep me fighting.

I am sorry.
So very sorry for all that’s happened.
I cannot say,
Everything I wanted.
All I can say is,
I meant every word I said.
Always will.

My heart aches for I will forever care,
And this hurts,
But keeps me alive as well.
I changed everything in my lofe recently,
For I had reason.
The first reason I’ve wanted to live.
Rather than stuck in a prison of life.

This hurts me this feeling,
But it keeps me alive.
My soul bleeds as I cry out.
But it’s worth it.
To have met. Been changed.
I was shown,
What it was like to be alive.
For the first time.

And now it’s changed. I do not know what to say.
But it was worth it.
I would give anything,
To get back to that moment,
Change anything for it to return.

Time will tell,
I keep fighting,
Till I cannot anymore.

It has been the best of living,
The only time been living my whole life.


I’m okay, been a wild week. The antidepressants are working, not as much as I’d like, they’ve changed a lot. I’m still sad, empty, but not wrecked. Somewhat feeling numb to everything. But it’s okay.

I am sad. I cannot explain.

Stuck In A Dark Place

Stuck in a dark place,
With no hope to be found,
Nor manifested.
I have lost my ability,
To try and find.

Feeling myself slipping,
Or maybe just fearing it.

Losing hope.
Losing it gradually.
As I desperately cling on,
But find nothing to hold onto.
Find nothing where I once had.

I fear the path I had once tread,
I have tried to improve,
To heal,
But cannot tell,
I did make progress,
But now I fear,
I’ve just opened up the wounds,
Where they open and sting,
Bringing me down under.

But I am losing this battle.
Despite trying.
Trying to keep hope.
To keep myself true.
But it saddens me most that I forgot,
The things that were to givs me hope.


Been depressed most of this weekend, all today, most of this week. Very depressed. Terrible. Even now, trying to cheer myself up, find hope desperately, even the one thing that gave me hope I cannot find it. Couldn’t even motivate myself to go out and do photography, was lazy and couldn’t think of any inspiration.

I Can’t Decide

I can’t decide,
What I feel.
Angry, sad or happy,
To feel such bliss and care.
To be opened up, when I had lost.
To open up.
My heart. Closed to the world.
Having given up.

And then,
Suddenly,
Opened up.
Shown light and care.
Given me my best moments in my life,
Making me comfortable in my own skin,
In my own life.

To be dashed and changed.
Where I do not know.
Do not know what happened.
A crazy time of changes.
A time that has, no matter what,
Changed my life.

The question I ask,
The thing I cannot decide.
Do I regret this?
Do I?

The life to be taken away, the sight of what is true,
When all is okay,
I even asked myself during that time.
Why is everything so good?
In every way,
Finally feeling alive.
Okay with me, myself and living in my skin.

But to be taken away.

I say I cannot decide,
Because I do not want to.

But I’ve always known,
Will always know.
I do not regret.

It’s given me everything.
I can drop dead happy.
Knowing I lived a happy life,
Even if it was only for one month.

Better to leave it alive and kind,
That tainted with hardship.
But too late for that now.
Too late.
Broken heart,
Broken life,
Broken dreams and crushed underfoot.

Now nothing’s left,
But a facade,
One I keep,
For me as much as for you.
For this I’m the most sorry of all,
For myself,
How this goes.

Just to See

Just to see,
The reason and the being,
I finally see.
Can feel the life flowing through my veins.

The reason etched in my heart.
Why.
The why.
Life made true,
Me true, in knowing,
Knowing and finding,
From which the finding comes results and change.
The change itself from the determination of will.

I finally feel alive,
Knowing and wanting to be.
To try.
To make my mark,
To live my life.
It gets hard.

But knowing my reason,
Is the cure for all these ills.
The truth of me.


The day started rough. First day on antidepressants. Nauseous and excessive yawning like every 5 minutes. Felt sick and tired. Slept when I got home as so tired.

But had a catch-up and 3 drinks with a friend, chatting about lots of stuff, relationship stuff, his and mine. But yeah. Was nice. Was nice to help, to know, he said I knew a lot more about shit he’s surprised I did. Told him. It’s because I’m good at seeing the person they themselves hide from sight. Seeing past the facade, because I know I have many of my own I’ve been living for many many years. I can understand people more than they know. And I’ve found this often scares most people. Oh well.

It was nice, feel more in love, much better than I have in a while, remembering all my efforts for self improvement and bettering many aspects I’ve needed for ages. Remembering the reason, it’s all for me, but love was the reason to choose to do it now and make it work, to succeed. For the moments had, the happiest moments ever felt. I will get better. I know.

Because. More than ever in my whole life, I have reason to. That’s the thing, all these things needing improvement, improving may be difficult, but the hardest thing for me always has been. Finding the reason to bother to. The reason to try, the reason to change from the norm. But for the first time ever, I’ve had a true reason to try to make it all work.

And I know, when I find something I know I want to work (like Uni was for me) then I will succeed because there is no other alternative, no option, just success or success

Reminded

Reminded,
Reminder of why.
Lost in a dark place.
A reason, a thing.
Reminding me to try.
Reminding me why to try.

Giving me hope
Reminding me,
Of happiness,
Lived vicariously,
Giving me hope.
Giving me hope.

How it’s reminded me, and given me hope.
Given me happiness and a belief in being.


Today, it started rough, got better with some things. The best thing today, that’s turned things around. Sounds weird, but my best friend commenting on another close friend’s post. Seeing it, just turned my down mood around totally. Well no, it reminded me, it helped ever so slightly. But this then allowed me to find a way out of a dark place. Enough just so I could grab hold and pull myself out.

No one probably could see why this small thing turned stuff around for me. It’s small. Lots of small things can pull me out of a dark place, but also small things can push me into a dark place also.

Definitely not feeling all better, but feeling I feel up to trying to feel better again.

I am still sad about losing that ring. But I’ve come to terms with it. Losing it, but keeping the beautiful memories, the feelings, the time. Making more hopefully, happy memories eventually.

I’m feeling better, having to find something. It’s I guess with Autism, a meltdown, I’ve always noticed a kinda total loss of control and depressive episode and really dark places, followed by a kinda catharsis, an end to it. I’ve always known its not a thing to control but to let take its course. In these states I can’t really escape, and people saying ‘just get better’ or ‘look on the bright side’ has never really been helpful, but the only thing that works is external. Something that reminds me, and calms me, and makes me feel a little better, only a little is needed and then it reminds me why and I can pull myself out of the pit. I just need to keep hold of the reason, keep hold of the feeling.

Empty Acceptance

Empty acceptance,

Being trapped in life,
Wih all the bad,
Appraisal of the worst times,
Without the positive,
Living, feeling, life.
Yes the pain is hard, it’s hard.

Having changed my life,
In many ways to cling on,
Has only resulted, in emptying of any meaning.
Gaining results, that destroy the question.

Now, I can’t feel,
Anything.
Even miss the pain.
To know I am alive.
And now I look on at pain, or anything,
Looking on from the outside,
Thinking, questioning,
Was this the goal?
Is this worth it?

Feeling the aches of being alive,
Without what makes the pain worth it.

Now all I can do,
Is miss it.

Looking back on the past,
Like it was another’s life who lived it.
And it’s all just there,
Like water,
Just flowing past your hands no matter how you try to grasp it.

Lay here,
Waiting to feel,
Despite all the past trying not to.
I don’t feel sad.
Don’t feel anything.
But alive all the same.
Just alive all the same.
Waiting to feel good,
Hoping I’m still capable,

After trying to kill all feeling for so long,
Now I fear I can never feel happiness,
Just empty acceptance.
A numbed living.

As I listen to the sad song,
I cannot feel what it had meant,
But I think, I see it all, the past meaning,
Empty again. So I think,
And hope for life.
To be.
To live.

But it’s easier this way,
For most times,
Most things.
The things that aren’t important.

Only one thing,
At the moment,
That I’d hope this empty acceptance will change for.
Only one.

Hoping to feel,
One time.
Once again,
Like before,
That one time ago.

But for now.
Just this empty acceptance.
This empty acceptance.


Writing this. Been doing better over the last couple of days. Well, ‘better’ may not be the right word. Like saying having a lobotomy is a better way of life. Haven’t been feeling anything, feel just flowing, empty, numb. Not pained though.

This evening I’m writing is no different, feel closer to sadness, but I’ve stopped feeling. Writing on my mood tracking app, explaining the feeling I stumbled upon the now-title for this poem. Which is the best description for the feeling.

Doing a bit rough, but also not because I’m just empty of feeling. Like when you see why you should be or would be sad but aren’t.

Song Of A Memory

Song of a memory,
How the song shows,
The past, future and new.

How, why? It all.
I know. I see.
A glimpse of better than ever has been.

I need to know,
Need to see.

Where I can go.

What I need.
To find,
Feeling,
Finally alive.

Having so far. Moved forward.
I could never in my life have seen.

A world of pain behind me,
Where it crushed me.
It tore my world down and broke me.

This song,
This memory.
Has lifted.

This song. Beauty found in a world.
Beautiful moments.
Perfect times.

Remember. Hold. Keep.
Learn. Grow.
This song, of perfection. Of memory.


Been a rough day today, nice night out last night. Late to work, felt shit, it turned everything shit. Everything in totality. Everything just collapsed. Seemed all the progress I’ve made in the last 2 weeks just collapsed. It was horrible. Felt terrible. Everything just crushed everything else.

It changed suddenly, when I listened to my favourite song. I remembered some fond memories. It made everything a bit better, and from then I felt able to use my mindfulness I’ve been doing to keep the terrible thoughts away. And I felt I have made progress in the last week. I’ve had to rip so much apart to get better. I guess. Just so much. So many thoughts, ideas, things that haven’t changed since primary school. It’s been rough doing this. It’s been breaking.

I’ve needed it, and been finally motivated by something I’ve never even experienced before. Changed like I’ve never had before. I’ve probably needed it, losing university was a loss of purpose not studying. Losing most friends, so much that I do photography because it staves away loneliness, I don’t hang out with friends often, so when there’s a night out I have to go and have to bare the cost, on my health, lack of sleep, anything else, actually, this actually sums up my whole life. Only just realised I’ve always had no friends, a few close friends and never see anyone.

University has been the only time that’s changed, having friends you hung out with many days.

It’s hard. It’s always hard. I’m trying. But it’s just so hard. I try. I try. And many times want to give up.

But I’ve found meaning and a reason. At least, a reminder. It’s hard. But yeah.

Wondering On

Wondering on,
I’ve moved so far,
Have grown so much.
But still it hurts.
The feelings.

Knowing what to do, to say,
Or more so, not knowing.

I can just stand,
Confused,
Hope and be true.
As I, am wondering on.

The times before, the death of you I watched,
Was it my fault? Yours? Or the scars?
Was it all a lie from the start?
All I can do is just, wonder.

Sit and be sad.
Then come to realise,
It doesn’t matter either way.
And I’ll never know.
Or am I just overthinking all of this?
Another thing to the list,
Of what I do not know.
What I can never know.

So all I can do.
Is to sit here in among my thoughts,
In the drowning depths,
Of my memories,
Oh how they were so perfect.
And now, an ocean away.

And I just sit.
Wondering.
Too tired to stand.
But I do,
Against all the odds.

Try to bring myself forth,
To try and be,
To try and see another day.
Even as I wish many times,
My mind just could stop.
All the pain, all the time.
So I numb it,
For a while,
Suppress the feeling with emptiness.

It goes, against my soul,
Against my being,
Wrecks me from the inside,
Piece by piece.
But I continue to try,
To stand strong,
Despite.

I know I can do this.
But do not know,
Not anymore,
If I want to.
After having seen.
And then.

Then.
It’s stupid,
But it has never been to me.
Everything a distraction,
From what I know I will think.
But so I distract.
Until a point,
When no distraction is needed.

But only time will tell.
So for now,
I sit here,
Tired and wondering,
Thinking.
Hoping,
Overthinking and wanting just to know,
Was it all a lie?
In my own imagination?
Was it my change?
Or just watching death before my eyes,
Happen,
And bring my soul a death with it.
Losing my heart.
Losing my soul,
Losing feeling for anything.


Cathartic writing. Writing rambly stuff but meaningful to me. It isn’t a sad poem, or at least, I don’t feel sad, trying to be better and hence trying to get rid of emotions in my body, bit by bit. Getting rid of the ‘me’ within me.

Or maybe it’s the trying not to feel. That has made me calm even as my soul bleeds through the words on the page and start to bleed.

The Silence Of Life

The silence of life, of the night.
The beauty of a brief glimpse of time.
Glimpse of the time.
Of all those times,
Reminders.
All that glimpse.

As the night comes in,
Silence falls over,
The darkness, the calm.
As the life flows.
Time slows,
Time grows on.

And here I sit,
Wondering,
Sitting, in time,
In time, again.
In time.

Life flows by.
And I, a witness.
To watch it flow.
To be there, in the time.

As the sounds of the sea just flows,
Exists in their own time.
And life, flows past.
A confusing jumble,
A path that goes.

As the sea is calm.
No ripples in sight.
The reflection of the moon,
A reflection on life,
On all those times.

A reflection,
An embodiment,
Those times,
Flow by, and fade.
But I, am still here.
I continue,
To sit here and witness.

I witness and sit,
Being in place.

Being in place.

Sitting and watching the world go by.
In the calm, the peace and solitude of night.

Watching the lights of the world,
Continue in time.
And I,
Sit here,
To witness,
A mark left,
Upon a moment in time.

Sitting, reflecting,
Pondering and being in time.
I am here.
In time I continue.

I am to witness.

As it all fades,
As it all continues again.

And I am here to witness.

Remembering, upon a time.
Sitting in that same spot.
Remembering, upon a time.
As the time, fades, into time.
I remember, I keep.
As it fades,
In spite of it fading.

Remembering,
All the times that passed.

As I sit in place.

And continue.

As all time flows by.
Feeling sad? Not feeling anything? Feeling calm?
I cannot tell.

But at peace.
In being in the finite space of time,
As the world revolves.

As time is moving in its place.
And I just can’t help, but watch,
Continue, to feel, and be.

But I sit here,
On this once upon a time spot.
And chill,
Watching as times flows, like these sea waves gently come and go.
As the sky paints it’s art through light.
As the city lights paint their own in response.
And I just continue,
Watching the dance,
Between the moon and sky; and the city of lights.

And then the thought comes back.
Thinking of that, once upon a time.
I remember clearly.
Calm and in the moment,
Present and past.

Seeing the day,
The time,
And its pass.

Watching, and wondering.
As goes,
This story of life.
Watching, life.
Flow, pass, before the moon’s light.

Forever changed,
In so many ways in this life.
In all so many ways.

And I sit, continue, watch and see.
Seeing life.
Seeing, the time.
Giving me life,
In this time.

As I watch, and see,
In this time.