Awake I Lie

Awake I lie,

Thoughts racing,

Trouble brewing.

The uncertain future.

Perseverance to clear a path,

Draining my life through this troubled storm.

The turbulent seas,

Uncertain paths without any horizon.

Chatting a path through the darkness.

Left without a heading.

Attempt after attempt.

Storms keep bashing my direction into darkness.

Awake a lie,

Thinking of the troubles to come,

Looking for a heading.

Looking for an option.

For a way out.

All direction and certainty lost to the depths.

Lost to the darkness,

The horizon unseen.

Awake I lie,

Pondering these questions,

Without direction.

Without heading.

Looking into the darkness and uncertainty.

Taking a step at a time.

Without heading, without knowing.

Hoping, persevering, to find my way.

To find a path.

All, as I lie awake.

My Affliction.

Memory of what should be let go.

Hearing that mustn’t be heard.

Senses heightened, for what shouldn’t be known.

To let myself live, in the present. At all.

The affliction of knowing, when one should ignore.

Caring too much as I need to break out.

Break my chains, my mind and spirit.

Break apart all that is held together.

Broken and shattered through my affliction.

Just Want To Forget.

Just want to forget,

To erase my mind,

To go on living,

As I try to make something of myself,

Get myself out of the dark ocean.

To set sail out into my world of my own.

To forget the darkness of the past,

The times to be forgotten.

To make my escape.

To start anew,

My new self, a new life.

The end of me.

Just wanting to forget, so I can escape.

Just want to forget.

Remembering The Times

Remembering the times,

Those good days,

Always a place in my mind.

The thinking, memories and the times.

Left in the feeling.

Of those good times.

The memories and places once been.

The memories and thoughts,

An ever-present reminder.

Living in the present,

Waiting for the times ahead,

Remembering those good times gone past.

A collection of memories,

A life, all on shown before me, of me.

A pleasant reminder,

Remembering the times.

Reminder Of Me

A reminder of me,

Who I used to be,

Free eternal, unbound and unchained.

Free-thinking, a spirit in good health.

Loving life for the friends who’ve touched me,

Those who unknowingly saved me.

To those I would do the same.

To save, to walk the ends of the earth for,

Those kind few, who reminded me of me,

Me of who I was,

Me of the worth of living.

The escape from a horrid past,

The needless pain,

To those who confirmed,

Who backed,

Those who supported.

I hold you dear.

Dear to my soul.

Dear to my being.

Those who reminded me of who I am and who I need to be, should be, will be.

Thank You

Thank you for all those times,

Those presents,

And kind conversations.

The times you are there.

Through my depths of hell,

My deepest depths,

My demons that you see.

It’s not fair on you,

Your life to lead,

Those kind words,

The times we hang out,

The shared moments.

Solidarity through pain.

Care through it all.

You continue to be there,

Even if it’s not fair on you.

Have to break out,

To let you live your own way.

To stop pressing my problems onto you.

To let you deal with your demons.

I thank you,

Through my goodbye.

Eternal gratitude,

For your continued efforts and support.

But, even if you don’t see it,

I need to free you from me.

So you can go on.

The kindness and care I show,

All for nothing,

If I don’t let you go,

To live,

Even if you don’t want to leave,

Don’t want to leave me in desperation.

I have to let you be.

So you can be so much more.

Unburdened by my presence.

I thank you eternally.

And for this reason,

I bid you goodbye,

To go on.

To be free.

Longing By the Window

Longing by the window,

Thoughts racing

Rain streaming,

Gloomy day for a gloomy situation.

Sitting by the window thinking of you,

Waiting for you.

Wondering what you would say,

Waiting and hoping.

Longing yet knowing I need to leave.

Knowing I need to break free.

Knowing I need to find myself,

And free myself from your chains.

Yet until that moment,

I sit here,

Sad and lonely,

Longing by the window for you.

Missing Piece

A missing piece,

Longing

Lusting

Hopeful yet elusive.

This missing peace,

The hopeful attitude,

Why?

Waiting for the spark,

The love,

The hope,

The bringing forth from nothing.

The spark to set the flame alight.

This missing piece,

Unfilled,

Waiting to find something true.

To occupy this missing piece

Being, Breathing, On The Outside.

Being, on the outside,

Alone and helpless,

Wanting to share,

Wanting to be more than being.

Wanting to express,

Wanting to be there,

To be able,

To share myself with another,

To confide,

And be confided in.

To be,

To share,

To love,

To feel another’s pain,

To help even slightly,

Even if not.

To help bear that pain.

Someone I can be with,

And they want to be with me.

It Hurts to Feel Good

It hurts to feel good.

One way or another, the goodness dampens, subsides.

The goodness is tough to keep going.

It lessens, it fades.

The false face to hide the hurt,

As the rug is pulled out from under you.

It hurts to feel good,

After when the good feelings fade.

But even during or before those positive times, as you know the drop will come eventually…

… it always does.

Yet the face is put on.

To pretend.

To go on.

To feel happy. To feel good.
I shall go on pretending.

That is all I have.

When I stop. I will stop.