Walking Away From Pain

Watching, walking,
Walking away from pain,
Looking at what is horrible in people,
Seeing, despite how hard I try.
Sometimes people are just horrible.

A hard fact to swallow,
As I hope for,
What I cannot see.
A pained song,
I listen to and watch.
See their pain,
I tried,
When noone else did.
To help,
To try to see, help,
But now I walk away.

It’s one of those things,
When the hurt, hurt.
A lack of care,
In all those times.

Something I never wanted to do,
To walk from another’s pain.
A lesson to learn, and learn again.
People being horrible,
Some have a call, a call for help.
But no matter the try.
Some have taken this hurt,
As their mantle, as their creed,
As their infliction.

For some,
The need to walk away,
To turn a blind eye to suffering,
Trying, had tried,
Wasted my time trying to help.
Believing in goodness, kindness,
Only to see it absent.
Something I didn’t want to believe.

Trying in place,
Having to own,
The failure to help,
A failure through the trying.

Your self from self,
To fill,
Yourself, witj anger and pain.
To watch it all burn.

You’ve tried.
All you could.
As you turn away,
Watching it burn from behind.

Walking away from pain,
Letting them wallow,
Knowing you tried,
But were pushed away,
While asked not to go.

Pain is yours,
And yours to keep.
No more will I try,
No more will I vicariously pain,
Trying to help.

The hardest choice to make.
To leave another,
To the fires, flames and pain.

Walking away from pain,
Letting them, get consumed by flames.
As I walk, turn, Knowing I tried.
A choice I’ve fought at every turn,
But now must give in.

Thinking, angry, been an alright day, mixed, but thinking of humanity, how it’s so horrid, hurtful. Thinking of a recent hurtful person. Also of how everyone thinks, how is everyone often so content with leaving another? Letting them to pain. General gossip I hear, reminds me of this all the time. But I kind of get it now. Myself having to realise that some people are just horrid with no way around it.

A hard thought to process as, there’s no benefit to being hurtful, being a dickhead. But. I shouldn’t feel bad for leaving those kinds of people, to wallow in pain, the depths of their hell.

Just thinking of all those nights, staying up, even before work early just to make sure my friend was okay, chatting, letting them vent, trying to help, trying to be kind. And then yeah, kindness offered in life is rarely returned.

So I shouldn’t feel bad, angry maybe, but not sad for leaving them to pain. Not hurt, for wanting to help, not gonna hurt just to help. People don’t care and don’t deserve the same. Some people just need to be left to rip their own world apart. I give up trying to help.

Song to Close

The song to close,
Small sadness, from it’s ever-gaze.
The song plays on,
Playing on to fade,
As the world fades,
To black.

Reminders, in their time, their place.
The mind,
Living in its wonder,
It’s saddened place.
The mixed times.
Of all this and may come.

The worries of the mind,
Broken, raging and making.
Of all the rage,
Pain and happiness through my heart.

Holding and making it all.
Raging against the life taking it all.
To stand tall,
Shout out,
Make it all.
And throw it out.

This song,
Playing to the close,
The feelings, thoughts and meaning.
A screaming rage out into the oblivion of the world.
Making it shake,
Holding it to account,
Making its infliction on me take note.

This song,
A final song to close.
Raging to make whole,
Make count,
Take notice.

The pain of living,
Life with its happiness,
Pain always there.
An experiencial, existential pain.

Taken and held to make my own.
Ripped out of me,
This song to close,
To take note,
To show,
The pain of the mind,
Its ever-screaming pain,
Only to be silenced,
In time,
To be.

My song to close.

Writing this, good, mixed, thinking, worried, thinking. Pondering. Looking forward to a date, seeing a close friend, fearful about work, my studies and the future. Uncertain and thinking until it pains me, but then I just try to focus.

Thinking of seeing my close friend, other close friends, but still the worries about the future plague me. And with this, pains from the past also flood back. My mind, wanting to rage, to shout and make count. To hold, let no one mistake, the pain inflicted. Don’t ignore the pain inflicted on another. A scar to be held, on your soul. For the hurt on another.

Life judges, the worst people will go down, their terrible natures found, for all to see.

It’s funny this mood, a great day, with my family, at a graduation, but still. Lots of things flooding back, the optimism shown today, my mind is skeptical from my experience of life recently. Thinking, painful, but thinking anyway.

Rage Through The Soul

Rage through the soul,
Upon those darkest days.

Throw me what you got!
I’ll throw it back harder!

All the fury,
At trying,
When it is thrown, back into my face.

Rage and anger,
When it is all done.
Rage against the dark,
Those who hurt,
Who try to crush me.
Who breaks into me.

I shall not falter.
I shall not.
I will not.

Hurt. When it all comes.
I try.
It is hurt, broken.
Hate for all.
Breaking away from my pain.
Defying all, as I merely try,
Only to be hurt, insulted.
Rage, fills my soul.
Fills my mind.

Anger at the inconsideration,
The horrible moments,
When those try to crush you.
Filth, fed up.

Wrote this, a rant. Had a very shit day at work. Started okay, as usual, a bit worried, but it was all due to me trying, trying to be better, to work. This is okay, I bring it on myself, as I always try to be better. However, what was horrible was something someone said. Accusations, blame and horrible. Harboured rage and hate for over 4 hours after. How rude! I tried! Tried and was given accusations. Especially who it was, they have a lot to talk about!

Total rage, a person, in their criticism, the most hypocritical. Stupid. Hating trying and being effectively told to fuck off. Terrible, horrible. Leaving me seething. Wanted to just quit on the spot.

Luckily, one thing I’ve learned well, is holding your tongue. It only ends up worse anyway. For the first time, thinking, it’s not worth it. Horrible. Makes all I was okay with terrible, lots of things I was looking forward to, empty. The year not starting, and I already want it over.

No words to describe my outrage, disappointment! Horrid!

Calmed down slightly, since, but still. I cannot forget. Horrid people. This is something I will not forget. Horrid people, with false and unknowledgable accusations, making untrue and uninformed assumptions, coming into something, not knowing and pretending to know all, to enforce.

What’s worse? The rude, uninformed assumption. I’d be okay with a question to make sure, a tiny piece of effort to become informed. But as usual, an example of coming out of nowhere, making an assumption on nothing and pretending it’s law, trying to pass it off as such. Something my Gran always used to say, ’empty vessels make most noise’. Raging at the moment.

Worse still? Fucking simple, kindness, a kind request, for information, or request for a task. Rather that walking it and making it all up, demanding. What I slightly feared, what many feared in leaving, well. Shown to be true. I am not looking forward. I tried to calm down, watching TV. But as usual in my head, nothing changes that this happened. I’m fuming. It will pass. The memory won’t. It never does. Kindness, it doesn’t cost a thing. Nothing. Yet for some it is too much to ask. These are moments when I’m truly sad, at how horrible humans can be, how they can show a lack of consideration.

Especially due to my own preconditions with certain codes I hold myself to, a lack of consideration, is something I see all too often, to say every hour would be a underestimate. But I’m aware of my weird code I hold myself to and that it doesn’t hold true to others. But. At least basic kind consideration. Maybe not as far as my level (probably too much), but maybe something showing consideration of another person’s humanity. It this too much to ask.

Let Adrift

Let adrift.
All the thoughts.
The pain.
All to be ended.
To save myself from further pain.

Off walking into the dark.
Let adrift.
Got adrift.

Let adrift.
Setting off.

Purging the pain.
Let adrift,
To try.
To live.

Feeling really sad right now. Missing out. Hurting. Just no words. Worse I’ve felt in quite a while. Tried watching movies to keep my mood up. Not working. All to do now is go to sleep, listen to music and hope the day ends quickly.

The poem, terrible. Don’t even feel like writing, thinking.

Even sleep. Seems unbearable. Want to drink, fall asleep. Forget. Leave the day behind.


Erasure of error,

Of fault and mistake,

Of horror, hurt and the hideous.

To find escape from the claw that chokes me,

The grip that hurts me.

The horror I have found, hurtful,

Its lingering presence,

An error on my life,

A fault in need of correction.

A mistake to be remedied.

Needing fixing.

Needing my erasure,

From my existence,

The corruption influence,

A hideous parasite,

Needing erasure.

A head turned.

Voice unheard.

Eyes unseeing.

Being unnoticing.

Erasure is needed.

To make-stone the feeling.

To better the past, survive the future.

To correct this corruption,

To erase from my mind the horrible.

To find peace in erasure.

To find peace in tranquility.

To find peace in what is good.

I need erasure of what is bad.