Wasted

Wasted, through my care.
Unrequited,
My care, empty yet felt,
Meaningful in its truth.
But lost all the same.

My feelings wasted,
My feelings spent.
Oh how I cared,
Oh how I care.

Afraid to be hurt again.
Even though I care.

Sad, that how I feel,
All of me,
Wasted.
Sad to see my feelings,
Splayed out across the wall,
The wall of my mind.
A hurtful reminder,
Wasted.

A sadness comes over me,
Seeing you,
Wanting to help you,
Wanting you happy.

But in the end.
All my feelings.
Wasted.


I know it’s a sad poem, I’m not sad, happy, had a good day and tried so hard to help a really good friend. Someone I care about with the whole world.

It’s just a moment, painful, hurtful, overthinking. It will pass, it always does. But the feelings, the care, doesn’t.

But it’s okay, I care. And it’s wasted. I’m wasted.

Advertisements

A Goodbye I Am Reluctant to Say

A goodbye I am reluctant to say.
A goodbye, I knew may come,
But never wanted to,
Always put off.

The pain of letting go,
Someone you care about,
Someone whose happiness makes you’re day all that better.

Someone to talk with,
Laugh with.
And smile with.

But what if it’s all based on a lie?
A lie I tell,
To put aside the pain,
For a time.

I never want to hurt you.
That’s the last thing I want.
Maybe I should have said goodbye sooner,
The goodbye I am reluctant to say.
To spare you pain.
Or maybe you will feel none,
I surely hope you don’t.
No matter what I end up feeling.

A care, once given,
Always present,
But only can be from afar.

I care, always do, no matter what I show,
But hating, is the best way to shield from the pain.
The pain of caring.

I feel clear,
Yet also conflicted,
Thinking back the night,
The times all these years,
Remembering all the smallest details,
Just thinking of you.

I must say goodbye,
One I am reluctant to say.
Have always been reluctant to say.
My feelings,
They hurt me so.
While you don’t feel the same.

I understand,
But please leave me to heal,
Let me leave.
Let me live.

This is heartbreaking to say,
And as I type, reluctant.
Thinking of the memories,
Staying,
But the feelings slowly erasing.
I only feel sad.
Sad for my loss.
Loss of a friend,
Loss of a person I care about.

But as you’ve said.
Sometimes you have to let go,
To collect,
To heal,
To move on and be better.

That is what I have to do.
I’ve known for a while.

I have been better than before,
But the feelings won’t fade,
While I’m still around you.
I’ve known that since the start.

You’ll never know how much I cared,
How much I care.
I cannot explain with language.

But no matter,
I must go.
A goodbye, I am ever-so reluctant to say.
That committing the words is difficult.

Never wanting this poem to end.
Never wanting this goodbye to be said.

But seeing no other option.
All my closest friends telling me to get out.
Caring as though they are,
They don’t understand.

The main reason,
For this goodbye I am reluctant to say.
For you to be better,
To be unburdened by pain,
Pain that will come,
Sooner or later.
From my caring heart,
Too big for a single person to hold, but I do.
Wanting you.

To have the best.
Be the best.
And I fear deeply, that this means goodbye.

The goodbye. I am most reluctant to say.


Writing, with thanks to a few close friends, helping me to see what I should have. Helping me out when I needed it.

I had an amazing night with rough parts, sorry to say goodbye. Sorry for that. I always give my best and forget to make myself okay, always putting another first. For if you care about someone, that’s what you do, for a time. But this is totally like that. It is good most of the times, amazing even, but others, it breaks me apart. Even if these feelings are almost all good, I’m sick of lies, sick of trying to convince myself of hope or a lie I do not truly believe but want to.

My favourite quote ever, made by myself, before, thinking of the same person, paraphrasing, it goes like “I would face my demons, just so I could help you face yours”. This holds true. This holds true. But I have come to realise, with this one-way feeling, that I cannot face my demons, without saying goodbye to you, but I’ll always be hoping you face yours and win. Hoping you succeed. Will always be a call away in your time of darkest need. As, I always care, I always will.

Thinking of the singing tonight, the small things you said, how you do not care like I do. That’s fine. But I must get out.
I have deleted the poems written tonight in pain,
Instead to write true from my heart and mind.

Only sad to see it end,
Sad to see it end on this note.
Only hoping for your best.

I can write for hours and not say what I truly feel, what I truly want to say.
But I try.

I have been better recently, so much so, even if my poetry tonight and recently do not show. But, this is why I know I do need to leave. Do need to say goodbye. To avoid a dark place. As I come to realise, you do not care about me like I do you. I don’t have any blame to give. But I need to, find space to live.

I have a christmas present I still want to give, a small something, not about me, or us, but you. Something I hope you’d let me. But I guess that’s to be seen, or not.

Wishing you, the very best, something I know you can and will succeed.
I’m only saddened by the times, to be lost, past and future.
Saddened that I cannot be there to witness, your success.

Even after publishing I do not know if I really want to say this.
But you deserve the truth.
I hope to ever bone not to cause you any pain.
I’d rather anything and everything else.

But in the end,
I guess this is what makes this,
A goodbye I am so reluctant to say.

Written. Night of the 7th December. Leaving to publish later. To see if I can carry on without the saddest goodbye. I do not want to say.

Published, night of the 10th December, a record of how I felt. With recent happenings, chats, amazing times making it all complicated. But also amazing.

Moment of panic

A moment of panic,
The realisation.
Paralysed,
Vision, gone to a tunnel.
Down a spiral, a moment of fright.
From the realisation that I hoped would not come.

Memory gone to blank.
A moment of panic.
Breathing hard.
Moment blank.
Heart falling heavy.

And on the fall.
On the drop.
Falling for a moment.

Lost and falling.
The moment all-consuming.

Only for but a moment.
A moment. Of panic.


Writing this after a brief but intense moment of panic. My breathing raced, heart beat out of my chest, my vision constricted to a tunnel.

Like opening Pandora’s box and finding unexpected shock. Something to destabilise me.

I have had an amazing day and this one thing threatens to bring be down to a lowest, but I’m fighting back, at least for the day to be over, ended on a happy note.

This thing’s just broken me, but I don’t know if it’s irrational, or not. Enough of this though, only one way to find out where this goes.

So glad this realisation happened on a good day. An absolutely fucking brilliant day. I’m determined to see past it and go on happy. Don’t know about tomorrow.

A Doorway Goodbye

That doorway goodbye.

Timid, quick, apprehensive.
You, just as me.

The goodbye, promise of a continuation.
Knowing it would never come?
Oh how you walked out the doorway.
Running out, to try. I tried.

Only to see you, standing there.
Tear running down your cheek.
A sad smile,
A promise.
A underlying sadness.
The sadness of this goodbye,
A microcosm of the unknown.
To be left unopened.

A picture I wont forget.
You.
Standing in that doorway,
Tear-on-cheek.
For that doorway goodbye.

A message unspoken.
Moment shared.
Our goodbye.
Our moment.

Our shared times,
Flashing before my eyes.
The laughs,
Shared conversations.

That time,
Laying in your bed.
You looking me in the eye,
Straight through,
Into my soul.
And I into yours.

A doorway goodbye.
Moments grabbed from reality.
With this doorway goodbye.


Another storyesque poem, one that follows on from “That Beach Sunset. The Last Night Together“. A continuation. Of the story. The end to the story, most likely, and for now. But most likely the end.

Again, I say that I’m not unhappy, I’m happy and okay, just thinking to a memory. Happy, sad, nostalgic and remembering. I’m good.

That Beach Sunset. The Last Night Together

That beach sunset, our last night together.
Sitting next to you,
Cider in one hand,
Yours in another.
Your head resting on my shoulder.

Orange sunset,
The horizon bright and warm,
Going to fade.

Our last night together,
Sitting. Silent. Together.

Happy, yet also sad…
In the moment.
Silent.
In each other’s arms,
Watching the warm sun-glow,
Fade in the sky.

How you turn your head,
Look me in the face,
Smile and laugh.

The sunset. I see. I feel.
My sunset.


A poem where I’m experimenting with a new type, partly fictional poems, where I create a scenario, a scene, place myself within it inside my imagination and let the feelings flow from that. Similar to what I usually do, but more abstract, and a mixture between fiction, truth and experience in different combinations.

My intention is that the mixture will be between feelings, thoughts, scenarios and worries.

Cutting Myself Off

Cutting myself off,
Misunderstood, left in the unknown,
Unable to help those I care about.
Left out of the picture.

Patterns repeat,
Pain comes again.
Being warned away,
But not taking heed.
Needing to cut off.
To save myself.
Needing to cut off,
To protect, to help, to live.

I do not want to,
Cut away the feeling.
But it may save me,
By killing a major part.

A decision of me,
Decision of mine.
One I do not want.
Cannot take.

Funny,
How some things change.
How most others stay the same.


Feeling quite sad, sad I cannot help, that they do not know. The latter is for the best, but brings me great pain.

Considering legitimately, now, the first time in a long time. To cut myself off.

They have a friend, do not need me. I’m only the help for work, company or motivation.

I can do all those things for myself, but not worth doing it for another, if it only brings pain. But that’s the hard part.

It doesn’t only bring pain, but brings something so worth it, the feeling, that it makes the pain worth it.

I know this feeling, may be overthinking. But even then, one truth I know, my overthinking, is usually right, is the truth, but one I do not want to come to terms with. I need to. I have to.

Seems like it’s decision time for me. One I will make tonight, one way, or another.

Trust the Feeling

Sitting,
In peace,
Waiting, thinking.
My mind spinning with glee.
Thinking of you.

Trust the feeling.
The feeling that grabs me,
Away from my once-clouded thoughts.
A feeling that compliments me. Before. Us.
Not tearing it away.

I wish to tell you,
How I feel,
To trust the feeling.
I’m afraid to hurt you,
To push you.
I only wish to help
To be there for you.

How I wish,
To be there for you,
To have you there, for me.

Trust the feeling,
I have to.
To try.
To do what I can,
To help her,
I would really do anything for her.
To see her smile,
To see her face,
Brightens my day.

Oh how I’m unsure,
If I should trust my feelings.
Though I want to.
I want to.
Trust my feelings.

Without a Trace

Leaving, turning my back.
One moment in the thick of it.
The next, empty space.
Blurred time.

A gentle breeze of passing.
Gone.
Without a trace.

A time for change,
A time to go.
Off I disappear. Without a trace.

The moments, the people,
Turning heads.
Empty space.
Left with wonder.
Left with doubt.
Clueless to cause.
Nothing of the knowledge.

Disappeared.
Without a trace.

The emptiness left behind.
Much change?
Figure once present,
Now forgotten.
To memory, to time.
An hollow space.
An empty reminder.
Of a place I once stood.
Now.

Without a trace.


I’m okay, quite good actually. Just thinking. Lots change so fast. Some things stay the same.

Just thinking and I get random thoughts that spur writing.

Fighting The Pain

Fighting the pain,
To be stronger,
To pick up my pieces. Fix them.
Move into the light.
As it recedes away.
And on I fight.

Better than I was before.
Trying to keep the fight.
Fight for me.

Fighting the pain as it comes my way.
Winning the fight for me.
As it grasps hold.
I fight.

The demons show their face,
Out of the prison I confined them.
To show me their ugly face.

On I must fight.
I know the cause.
Know the next step.
On I must fight.

A fight for my future,
Fight for my day.
Fight for me.
Tears running down my cheek,
Determination at my sleeve.
Knowing the struggles ahead.
I will win.
As I’m fighting the pain.


Don’t worry, just having a bad night. Overthinking is the cause. Haven’t had one like this in a while.

It’s okay, I’ll fight through. I’m not going back to where I was before. Never again. I’m much stronger.