Confliction

Confliction, confusion.

The world made bright.

Fearful of the end,

Broken, yet simultaneously saved.

Mixture of feeling, confused.
Happy and also sad,
Missing something.
My ability to comprehend.

My ecstatic excitement filled,
While also fearful worry lingers,

My bipolar shifts from happiness, to worry, to sadness, to happiness.
All offering painful confusion.

Shaken to the core,
Worried yet also happy.

Sad to the confliction of my predicament.
Sad to my required bipolar world.

The place that confines me.

The feelings that control, use, abuse and break me.

Tearing my mind apart.

The confliction;
I am happy.
I am sad.
I am worried.
I am excited, enthusiastic, embarrassed and apprehensive.

A plethora of feeling
Opposites, simultanously felt.
My feelings wrapping themselves around me,
Holding me tightly,
Constricting,

Ripping me apart.

Leaving me confused.

Leaving me with conflict.

Emotions. A roller-coaster.
An ever-moving shift.
Hurtful, yet happy.
Sad, yet also happy.

The feelings I cannot explain,
The emotions I cannot control.

My life controlled without my understanding.

The confliction, my emotions, thoughts and feelings.

I am happy.
I am sad.
I am in conflict.
I am… Me.

Pleasant Surprise

Pleasant surprise,

Nice intervention,

A world from anew,

A place not seen before.

The crazy, excited, ecstatic feeling.

The kindness and intelligence.

A world shown.

Thrown from my own,

Complete surprise.

Through this contentment.

A crazy revelation,

Crazy existence.

My place.

The crazy feeling.

Ecstatic and total. Crazy and looms

The Path

The path, journey,

The ups and downs,

And on it goes, through this path,

A on-going gradual path,

Into the sunlight,

Into night.

Into life.

The path walked,

Many times, and never simultaneously.

The times shared, the sun felt.

The sound of the guitar in the backdrop.

The sun setting on the horizon,

To be followed by night, then day.

The ongoing times, of sun and bright feelings.

The need to remember, the need to hold on.

An emotional rollercoaster,

Of ecstasy and emptiness.

The times gone through.

The experiences felt.

The sun shining down on the ground.

On the warm face,

The light.

The happiness and sadness.

Both at one.

Together in feeling.

Both making us human.

This is the ongoing path.

The confusion and doubt, with the aftertaste of faith.

The need for meaning,

The meaning behind being.

The grace of living, loving, being and making use of the finite time.

The time to be spent,

Loved,

Lived.

That path taken. That path of life.

The path we all walk.

The path.
Written reflecting on the book ‘Stoner’ by John Williams

Your Kindness, Your Care,

Your kindness and care,

You offer, it’s comfort surrounds me,

Compliments the concurrent pain.

I appreciate it, but it still provides pain.

It’s funny, this simultaneous kindness, care and pain.

I love it, I hate it,

But I love you,

In vain, but that’s the fact, that’s the reality.

Seeing you happy, in whatever form that takes,

That means the world to me,

I would do anything to help,

Even if it causes me more pain.

That help you may gain from it,

Would make it worth it.

The pain, kindness and care,

All supplementing one another.

 

I cannot offer much, but kindness, care and love.
But that is me,
No matter how you hate it.
That is me.
No matter how you don’t want it.

I will be around, to offer this kindness and care.

If you ever want, ever need.

This is me,
My Kindness
My Care.

Strung Along

Strung along,

Been given a glimpse,

Yanked away at a moment’s notice,

Pained, hurt, alone.

Being strung along,

An extra piece,

An attachment,

Need to let go,

Need to leave,

To learn from past mistakes,

From the pain.

Been strung along.

A mere afterthought.

The lack of care,

Lack of kindness,

Lack of feeling.

Being strung along.

Notes from a damned soul

Songs remind me of you, waiting till midnight for your potential call, knowing it won’t come tonight as you’re busy with him. But I wait up anyway. In vain.

You keep wanting me to come hang out, do you see it kills me every time? Do you care? Or are you merely using me?

Clawing me back, even as I need to escape. It’s my fault, I could always avoid you, but never do.

How can you not know it kills me.

You saw what it did to me before, the scars, only the ones that show. What is inside is worse. That night you said hurtful things, tore me apart, from the very core, the accusations and faulting of every aspect of mine I hold dear.

You even mentioned knowing how we had to stop talking and understood why. Clearly not, it kills me inside now as before.

How can you not see?

How can you continue my torture.

You continue my torture.

Yet I keep walking into it willingly.

It’s my fault but that doesn’t change the fact it kills me and you watch. You help me do it. Encourage me towards my end to come. My looking forward to nothing but the end, an escape from the pain, from my reality.

How can you do this?

Why?

You saw what it did to me.

Honestly, I regret we started talking again. Some of these times recently have been the best, but also the worst. That’s the hardest thing, saying goodbye to escape from the pain, from the darkness, from my torture. Is also saying goodbye to all the good times, in truth, the lies and disillusionment. But nevertheless they make things I am doing in life feel like they are worth something, mean something, give me enthusiasm for more.

I need to break out.

Need to make a change.

Need to escape you,

Escape my torture one way or another.

But I am left with one question I can’t answer.

Why do you encourage my pain, my torture?

Bringing up the guy, other guys, “hot” guys on tinder. I don’t want you to lie, but at least be truthful, and let me go as I need to.

Let me go as I need to.

Longing By the Window

Longing by the window,

Thoughts racing

Rain streaming,

Gloomy day for a gloomy situation.

Sitting by the window thinking of you,

Waiting for you.

Wondering what you would say,

Waiting and hoping.

Longing yet knowing I need to leave.

Knowing I need to break free.

Knowing I need to find myself,

And free myself from your chains.

Yet until that moment,

I sit here,

Sad and lonely,

Longing by the window for you.

Addiction

Addicted to the feeling,

The one I must let go,

The way of life,

The control over me,

The pain it causes me,

The being, feeling, living my addiction.

Waiting for the end,

Hoping it will get better,

Even knowing it will need to end,
It will need to stop,
I need to stop.
To escape this addiction.

To escape this feeling.

Need to escape this addiction,

To be able to renew myself

To escape this inadequate living.

Everything surround this addiction,
The feeling,
The waiting,
The thinking,
Ever-so constant and alluring.

Painful and hurting.

The addiction is my escape,
Makes me feel alive,
Makes the world mean something,
Means something to be living in it.

But it causes pain, this addiction.

Hurting and harming all aspects of my life.

But how can I let it go?

If it gives meaning to all other aspects.

How can I let it go, if it harms concurrently with fulfilling.

If it harms while also creating and giving meaning.

This addiction,
My addiction,
It’s as much a part of me as I am.

Walling Myself Off

Walling myself off,

From the feelings,

From the thoughts.

Emptying myself of all that can be described as living.

To make strong what is weak,

To bolster my feelings

To avoid seeing my sadness

To wall myself away from all I know.

To be someone I’m not, no, not that.

To be nothing, to be no-one

Living in limbo, merely existing.

Within my wall.

Losing all of my humanity,

To save myself from the pain.

I have done this before, it wasn’t worth it.

But this pain is unbearable.

Walling myself off,

To stave off the pain.

I wall myself off.

Guardian

I’ll always be there,

Even if we stop talking,

Will always keep an eye out.

I’ll always catch you when you fall,

Pick you up when down,

Listen when you need to talk

Advise when you need another opinion.

 

No matter who you leave me for,

No matter how much you hurt me,

No matter how much you don’t care.

I will be there.

A guardian,

Always looking out for you,

My little Fox.