Stuck In A Dark Place

Stuck in a dark place,
With no hope to be found,
Nor manifested.
I have lost my ability,
To try and find.

Feeling myself slipping,
Or maybe just fearing it.

Losing hope.
Losing it gradually.
As I desperately cling on,
But find nothing to hold onto.
Find nothing where I once had.

I fear the path I had once tread,
I have tried to improve,
To heal,
But cannot tell,
I did make progress,
But now I fear,
I’ve just opened up the wounds,
Where they open and sting,
Bringing me down under.

But I am losing this battle.
Despite trying.
Trying to keep hope.
To keep myself true.
But it saddens me most that I forgot,
The things that were to givs me hope.


Been depressed most of this weekend, all today, most of this week. Very depressed. Terrible. Even now, trying to cheer myself up, find hope desperately, even the one thing that gave me hope I cannot find it. Couldn’t even motivate myself to go out and do photography, was lazy and couldn’t think of any inspiration.

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I Can’t Decide

I can’t decide,
What I feel.
Angry, sad or happy,
To feel such bliss and care.
To be opened up, when I had lost.
To open up.
My heart. Closed to the world.
Having given up.

And then,
Suddenly,
Opened up.
Shown light and care.
Given me my best moments in my life,
Making me comfortable in my own skin,
In my own life.

To be dashed and changed.
Where I do not know.
Do not know what happened.
A crazy time of changes.
A time that has, no matter what,
Changed my life.

The question I ask,
The thing I cannot decide.
Do I regret this?
Do I?

The life to be taken away, the sight of what is true,
When all is okay,
I even asked myself during that time.
Why is everything so good?
In every way,
Finally feeling alive.
Okay with me, myself and living in my skin.

But to be taken away.

I say I cannot decide,
Because I do not want to.

But I’ve always known,
Will always know.
I do not regret.

It’s given me everything.
I can drop dead happy.
Knowing I lived a happy life,
Even if it was only for one month.

Better to leave it alive and kind,
That tainted with hardship.
But too late for that now.
Too late.
Broken heart,
Broken life,
Broken dreams and crushed underfoot.

Now nothing’s left,
But a facade,
One I keep,
For me as much as for you.
For this I’m the most sorry of all,
For myself,
How this goes.

Just to See

Just to see,
The reason and the being,
I finally see.
Can feel the life flowing through my veins.

The reason etched in my heart.
Why.
The why.
Life made true,
Me true, in knowing,
Knowing and finding,
From which the finding comes results and change.
The change itself from the determination of will.

I finally feel alive,
Knowing and wanting to be.
To try.
To make my mark,
To live my life.
It gets hard.

But knowing my reason,
Is the cure for all these ills.
The truth of me.


The day started rough. First day on antidepressants. Nauseous and excessive yawning like every 5 minutes. Felt sick and tired. Slept when I got home as so tired.

But had a catch-up and 3 drinks with a friend, chatting about lots of stuff, relationship stuff, his and mine. But yeah. Was nice. Was nice to help, to know, he said I knew a lot more about shit he’s surprised I did. Told him. It’s because I’m good at seeing the person they themselves hide from sight. Seeing past the facade, because I know I have many of my own I’ve been living for many many years. I can understand people more than they know. And I’ve found this often scares most people. Oh well.

It was nice, feel more in love, much better than I have in a while, remembering all my efforts for self improvement and bettering many aspects I’ve needed for ages. Remembering the reason, it’s all for me, but love was the reason to choose to do it now and make it work, to succeed. For the moments had, the happiest moments ever felt. I will get better. I know.

Because. More than ever in my whole life, I have reason to. That’s the thing, all these things needing improvement, improving may be difficult, but the hardest thing for me always has been. Finding the reason to bother to. The reason to try, the reason to change from the norm. But for the first time ever, I’ve had a true reason to try to make it all work.

And I know, when I find something I know I want to work (like Uni was for me) then I will succeed because there is no other alternative, no option, just success or success

Bid Goodbye To That Time

I bid goodbye,
Goodbye to that time,
A fond memory,
Being there and only wanting to stay.
But having to go,
Daily life calling,
But wanting time to stop,
To be in that moment.
I regret having passed.
But you bid me goodbye,
A fond memory,
Remembering,
The time,
Where you stayed,
To send me off.

I remember, but know it’s passed,
I have to learn to live with this.

Learn that the best times,
Are only a memory,
Only alive within my mind.
And there, they stay.

Feeling the loss,
The only time I truly lived,
Truly was alive,
All good surrounding me.
But was even that a lie?

I hope not.
I’ll try to believe not.
And on I go,
Not wanting anymore.

Empty Acceptance

Empty acceptance,

Being trapped in life,
Wih all the bad,
Appraisal of the worst times,
Without the positive,
Living, feeling, life.
Yes the pain is hard, it’s hard.

Having changed my life,
In many ways to cling on,
Has only resulted, in emptying of any meaning.
Gaining results, that destroy the question.

Now, I can’t feel,
Anything.
Even miss the pain.
To know I am alive.
And now I look on at pain, or anything,
Looking on from the outside,
Thinking, questioning,
Was this the goal?
Is this worth it?

Feeling the aches of being alive,
Without what makes the pain worth it.

Now all I can do,
Is miss it.

Looking back on the past,
Like it was another’s life who lived it.
And it’s all just there,
Like water,
Just flowing past your hands no matter how you try to grasp it.

Lay here,
Waiting to feel,
Despite all the past trying not to.
I don’t feel sad.
Don’t feel anything.
But alive all the same.
Just alive all the same.
Waiting to feel good,
Hoping I’m still capable,

After trying to kill all feeling for so long,
Now I fear I can never feel happiness,
Just empty acceptance.
A numbed living.

As I listen to the sad song,
I cannot feel what it had meant,
But I think, I see it all, the past meaning,
Empty again. So I think,
And hope for life.
To be.
To live.

But it’s easier this way,
For most times,
Most things.
The things that aren’t important.

Only one thing,
At the moment,
That I’d hope this empty acceptance will change for.
Only one.

Hoping to feel,
One time.
Once again,
Like before,
That one time ago.

But for now.
Just this empty acceptance.
This empty acceptance.


Writing this. Been doing better over the last couple of days. Well, ‘better’ may not be the right word. Like saying having a lobotomy is a better way of life. Haven’t been feeling anything, feel just flowing, empty, numb. Not pained though.

This evening I’m writing is no different, feel closer to sadness, but I’ve stopped feeling. Writing on my mood tracking app, explaining the feeling I stumbled upon the now-title for this poem. Which is the best description for the feeling.

Doing a bit rough, but also not because I’m just empty of feeling. Like when you see why you should be or would be sad but aren’t.

Song Of A Memory

Song of a memory,
How the song shows,
The past, future and new.

How, why? It all.
I know. I see.
A glimpse of better than ever has been.

I need to know,
Need to see.

Where I can go.

What I need.
To find,
Feeling,
Finally alive.

Having so far. Moved forward.
I could never in my life have seen.

A world of pain behind me,
Where it crushed me.
It tore my world down and broke me.

This song,
This memory.
Has lifted.

This song. Beauty found in a world.
Beautiful moments.
Perfect times.

Remember. Hold. Keep.
Learn. Grow.
This song, of perfection. Of memory.


Been a rough day today, nice night out last night. Late to work, felt shit, it turned everything shit. Everything in totality. Everything just collapsed. Seemed all the progress I’ve made in the last 2 weeks just collapsed. It was horrible. Felt terrible. Everything just crushed everything else.

It changed suddenly, when I listened to my favourite song. I remembered some fond memories. It made everything a bit better, and from then I felt able to use my mindfulness I’ve been doing to keep the terrible thoughts away. And I felt I have made progress in the last week. I’ve had to rip so much apart to get better. I guess. Just so much. So many thoughts, ideas, things that haven’t changed since primary school. It’s been rough doing this. It’s been breaking.

I’ve needed it, and been finally motivated by something I’ve never even experienced before. Changed like I’ve never had before. I’ve probably needed it, losing university was a loss of purpose not studying. Losing most friends, so much that I do photography because it staves away loneliness, I don’t hang out with friends often, so when there’s a night out I have to go and have to bare the cost, on my health, lack of sleep, anything else, actually, this actually sums up my whole life. Only just realised I’ve always had no friends, a few close friends and never see anyone.

University has been the only time that’s changed, having friends you hung out with many days.

It’s hard. It’s always hard. I’m trying. But it’s just so hard. I try. I try. And many times want to give up.

But I’ve found meaning and a reason. At least, a reminder. It’s hard. But yeah.

Wondering On

Wondering on,
I’ve moved so far,
Have grown so much.
But still it hurts.
The feelings.

Knowing what to do, to say,
Or more so, not knowing.

I can just stand,
Confused,
Hope and be true.
As I, am wondering on.

The times before, the death of you I watched,
Was it my fault? Yours? Or the scars?
Was it all a lie from the start?
All I can do is just, wonder.

Sit and be sad.
Then come to realise,
It doesn’t matter either way.
And I’ll never know.
Or am I just overthinking all of this?
Another thing to the list,
Of what I do not know.
What I can never know.

So all I can do.
Is to sit here in among my thoughts,
In the drowning depths,
Of my memories,
Oh how they were so perfect.
And now, an ocean away.

And I just sit.
Wondering.
Too tired to stand.
But I do,
Against all the odds.

Try to bring myself forth,
To try and be,
To try and see another day.
Even as I wish many times,
My mind just could stop.
All the pain, all the time.
So I numb it,
For a while,
Suppress the feeling with emptiness.

It goes, against my soul,
Against my being,
Wrecks me from the inside,
Piece by piece.
But I continue to try,
To stand strong,
Despite.

I know I can do this.
But do not know,
Not anymore,
If I want to.
After having seen.
And then.

Then.
It’s stupid,
But it has never been to me.
Everything a distraction,
From what I know I will think.
But so I distract.
Until a point,
When no distraction is needed.

But only time will tell.
So for now,
I sit here,
Tired and wondering,
Thinking.
Hoping,
Overthinking and wanting just to know,
Was it all a lie?
In my own imagination?
Was it my change?
Or just watching death before my eyes,
Happen,
And bring my soul a death with it.
Losing my heart.
Losing my soul,
Losing feeling for anything.


Cathartic writing. Writing rambly stuff but meaningful to me. It isn’t a sad poem, or at least, I don’t feel sad, trying to be better and hence trying to get rid of emotions in my body, bit by bit. Getting rid of the ‘me’ within me.

Or maybe it’s the trying not to feel. That has made me calm even as my soul bleeds through the words on the page and start to bleed.

The Silence Of Life

The silence of life, of the night.
The beauty of a brief glimpse of time.
Glimpse of the time.
Of all those times,
Reminders.
All that glimpse.

As the night comes in,
Silence falls over,
The darkness, the calm.
As the life flows.
Time slows,
Time grows on.

And here I sit,
Wondering,
Sitting, in time,
In time, again.
In time.

Life flows by.
And I, a witness.
To watch it flow.
To be there, in the time.

As the sounds of the sea just flows,
Exists in their own time.
And life, flows past.
A confusing jumble,
A path that goes.

As the sea is calm.
No ripples in sight.
The reflection of the moon,
A reflection on life,
On all those times.

A reflection,
An embodiment,
Those times,
Flow by, and fade.
But I, am still here.
I continue,
To sit here and witness.

I witness and sit,
Being in place.

Being in place.

Sitting and watching the world go by.
In the calm, the peace and solitude of night.

Watching the lights of the world,
Continue in time.
And I,
Sit here,
To witness,
A mark left,
Upon a moment in time.

Sitting, reflecting,
Pondering and being in time.
I am here.
In time I continue.

I am to witness.

As it all fades,
As it all continues again.

And I am here to witness.

Remembering, upon a time.
Sitting in that same spot.
Remembering, upon a time.
As the time, fades, into time.
I remember, I keep.
As it fades,
In spite of it fading.

Remembering,
All the times that passed.

As I sit in place.

And continue.

As all time flows by.
Feeling sad? Not feeling anything? Feeling calm?
I cannot tell.

But at peace.
In being in the finite space of time,
As the world revolves.

As time is moving in its place.
And I just can’t help, but watch,
Continue, to feel, and be.

But I sit here,
On this once upon a time spot.
And chill,
Watching as times flows, like these sea waves gently come and go.
As the sky paints it’s art through light.
As the city lights paint their own in response.
And I just continue,
Watching the dance,
Between the moon and sky; and the city of lights.

And then the thought comes back.
Thinking of that, once upon a time.
I remember clearly.
Calm and in the moment,
Present and past.

Seeing the day,
The time,
And its pass.

Watching, and wondering.
As goes,
This story of life.
Watching, life.
Flow, pass, before the moon’s light.

Forever changed,
In so many ways in this life.
In all so many ways.

And I sit, continue, watch and see.
Seeing life.
Seeing, the time.
Giving me life,
In this time.

As I watch, and see,
In this time.

Make That Scar Fade

I stand here,
In face of it all.
Standing to make that scar fade.

Journeying forth,
Seeing the struggles of the past.
Seeing the pain caused.
Not to repeat the same mistake.
Not to let the past pain haunt,
To let the past pain keep me in chains.

Seeing the trauma,
Creeping its way into a new life,
To corrupt through fear, worry and scarring.

Finally, finding something,
Someone that sees,
Someone that understands my scars.
As they have many of their own.

They have been there,
Understanding through it all,
As my brain’s been on meltdown.

Letting the past scars and trauma consume me with worry.
Corrupting me into who I was lost in before.
Taking everything from me.
Losing my own perspective in world.

But I try to stand.
Shut the scars out.
To make a stand.
To accept this new time for what it is,
For a new era.
An era not defined by my scarred past.
By the pain felt before.

Trying to control,
My mind fearful of the repeat of my death. And so it shuns,
It leaves. It runs to hide.

I know it’s different,
Not malicious or hurtful,
Not aimed or ripping.
This. This is new. This is care.
A confusing life yes,
But it’s new. It’s care. Apologies for a new confusing life.
And this I can cope with.
We are all scarred in all so many of our own ways.
Humanity’s shared collective,
Shared scars, even if different.
We have all fought all our own battles,
Some have been through, some have been through different.
But understanding through those collective scars. Collective experience.

I will be better.
I was shown,
Shown my thinking.
Shown the hole my brain put me in.
To protect me from the past.
But it’s all past.

The scars,
I thought had healed,
What was done to me,
The wound exploded open before my eyes,
And I didn’t see.
I failed to see.

But open to my friends,
This second time around.
Open to life.
To see and heal.
To keep this would shut.
Final and once and for all.

I have found,
I have seen.
I will now bow down.
I shall rage and rage.
Into the darkness,
Till I turn it light.

Holding on.
To shut the scars, the wounds inflicted,
So deep beneath the skin,
Carved into the mind.
Deeper than I could see.

But thankful,
People saw and helped.
Thankful,
For this person, who’s changed my
life.
No matter what may come.
Allowed me to see, grow,
Suffer hardship, and grow stronger.
To see in many ways I did not.
To live a life, so different from my past,
To see, to open my eyes,
To a new perspective.


Been going through a really rough two weeks, if not probably longer, sorting stuff out in my head. Said goodbye to someone I care about deeply. More than anyone else to be honest. It’s been rougher than anything else. Saying goodbye, yet I try to check up on her to make sure she’s okay, all too often. But when I do, I realise there’s nothing I can do, we’re not talking.

Talking to a mutual friend they gave great life experience and advice, I showed myself without seeing until I explained and then did see how the past scars still held me, even when I thought they had closed. They hadn’t. The deep-rooted fears and anxieties and traumas.

Causing me to wreck everything rather than risk going there again. And only causing more damage in an attempt to avoid it.

So I’m changing everything. Being healthier in so many aspects, healing my mind bit by bit, changing my thinking, trying to be better. An uphill battle. But trying anyway. It’s getting easier, calmer, less painful, but also maybe less feeling. I don’t know if that’s good. But if not, I’ll sort that out too. Doing this all for me, so I hope I can be there for them. As I care, been through similar scars that they are going through, and care about nothing else, than to just be there to help them through it, even if it’s just to chat shit and distract them.

A Sign, Unexpected

A sign unexpected,
Beyond any expectation,
Beyond any glimmer of comprehension.

A sign, showing me truth, showing me care,
Showing me confidence.
But also, showing me my scars,
My wounds, I had thought healed,
Opened and festering.
Without care I hoped to close,
To ignore.
That it had disappeared.
It hadn’t.
Just resided until again.

The pain still raw, still real.

It’s showed me.
The need to close,
To heal,
To end the chapter.
To cease its pain.
So a scar left will just be that.
A sign, a reminder, of the past.

It’s showed me.

It’s truly showed me.

From this sign, unexpected.
From a place unknown.

A message never expected.

A truth to be known.
A truth I didn’t see.
But now see clear.

I still, with this sign,
Know what to do,
But not the way.

I can only guess,
And truth my heart and mind.
To let go of the pain,
To let go of fear,
To see and to trust.
To rebuild,
To remedy.
To be kinder to myself,
For I’m here trying after all my struggles. After all the pain and scarring.

To find and cope.
To make whole again how I had been shattered, so long ago.
Yet the cracks remain fractured wide.

I will try.
I will try.

The first step was sight,
To see the pain still beneath,
The scars still left open.

Hopefully I can get peace,
After those scars are closed.
Hopefully I can find,
Be ready to find what was lost,
When I do this.


A happier poem has been long overdue, this is happy-sad, writing this way too late before work tomorrow but I have to for me and my mental health.

It’s happy and sad, happy for finding, happy for being and seeing, sad for losing, but happy for the hope of it getting better and maybe getting back what I regret to have lost. But needed to for getting back on track and a new perspective.

I aim to write a blogpost on another blog I have about hardship and how it should be embraced and learnt from for its forging elements. But will do that another time, hopefully tomorrow unlike I planned to today.

I haven’t added an image to a post in a long time. But this one deserves one. I was going to look at the site I usually went to. But was looking for a meaningful one. But. It hit me. There was only one image. The image that changed me, the time that changed me, the sunset I can never and would never want to forget. The one that started this life- and mind-changing journey. Started the confidence, the care, the pain, hardship and growth. It started it all.