Done Hiding

Done hiding,
Hiding from my past,
My feelings,
My torture.

It drains too much from me.
Kills me inside.
Living a falsehood, a lie.

But I cannot lie no more.
Not even if I wanted to.

I am done.
In every such way.
Done with the hiding,
Done with the pretence.

Done with all the fucking shit.
Everyone with a problem can go check themselves,
Check their fucking minds and lives.
I will not hide mine no more.

I am done.

I’m gonna be me and how I have to be.
Cannot cope with any other alternative anymore.
Not anymore.


Writing this, thinking, I’m tired, tired of hiding myself under a lie I tell everyone else. Tired. If admitting to mental health stuff loses friends then they’re not worthwhile people in my life. I don’t care anymore. 13 years all living a lie, to myself and everyone else. It’s just too tiring now. Hence I wrote a blogpost on a different site for my photography and my mental health.

I had it fully written for a week before posting it to my FB. And the idea I put off writing about for months. Because I was afraid of people thinking “well that guy’s fucked up” or “this isn’t the guy we knew”. Know it might not have been, but it was the truth of me. I was reluctant to write and post this.

Especially seeing people write about mental health openly and feeling trapped and caged so I couldn’t.

I’m just too tired for any of the pretence now, with my mental health I barely have any energy for anything else, without also having to construct a human that’s doing fine on top of all of that.

Imagine the energy to simulate a human functioning fully and positively on a computer. That’s been my brain for 2 years, the real me and a pretend for others to see.

Advertisements

Silent Demise

Myself,
Part of the time,
Confined and left,
At the doorway,
Empty and crushed, left aside,
While another always all fine,
One side to be discarded and crushed, yet always remain,
The other a facade? or is it?

The truth of the illusion is never knowing,
Illusion from actuality,
Is there in fact any difference?
When all are cards played on the table?
Are they played? or embodied?

Crushed and erased,
The side of everyone,
The true but not to be seen.
Lies and Janus-faced only to be seen.
An art of misdirection,
Through the creation of a world so fake,
Creation in order to make, shape.


Writing, thinking, pondering, do I know why I feel like this? Upon more pondering I know what might be, but if this is the case it makes me even more saddened.

Just What Matters

Just what matters,
In the most casual moments,
Those sweetest times,
Gone before known,

Nicest times,
Times that are,
Just what matters.

Thinking,
Stuck in place,
Stuck in time.
A good place,
Worried about losing.
Just what matters.

These smallest things,
No one ever understands,
Thinking round and round.
Just what matters,
The feeling,
Being,
A mutuality.

Simplest moment,
Without requirement,
Nothing needed,
So nice.

Thoughts swirling around me,
Taking turns to rip at me,
Through this good feeling.
Intertwined with the bad;
The worries, for the end,
Finite reality.

Just wanting,
Caring, for just what matters.
Who cares,
The times too infrequent,
Making up, in simplest perfection.
Oh the worries, thoughts,
But,
It’s about just what matters.


Had an amazing time with close friends, many I haven’t seen in a long while last night. Unusual mood right now, thinking of stuff that has just happened.

Wondering, thinking, my mind bringing discomfort, always thinking. Showing me every scenario, like before a decision when you take half an hour to think of as many scenarios and outcomes as possible and weighing them all up.

Making it exhausting, to merely think, to be, to ponder. I’m feeling amazing, but that’s the thing. Being amazing, with this overthinking, always carries so much baggage. The philosophical thoughts on existence, life, the best piece of advice, from my favourite television show, Rick and Morty, “just don’t think about it”. Isn’t always helpful, not thinking, can often be equated with not living. Then there’s again the crossroads, the ones I mentioned before, choosing being alive or being happy.

I honestly am happy, but. Things. Overthinking, feeling way too happy. The amazing things, amazing people, just what matters, mean everything. Then all the thinking matters, it makes it matter, and throws everything into deep thought and contemplation.

All A Lie

All a lie,
A choice, a path, all clear to be seen.
A choice to made made, or lack thereof.

What is a choice that cannot be made?

Emptiness all around,
Fooling yourself to happiness.
The endless existential torture of life.
The game it plays.
Giving nothing, or nothing.
The question of a lie or emptiness.

So much for choice,
What path to take?
The endless question asked.
Everyone, a fool or sad.
Either option, same end.
The trials of life,
Being, living and lying.

All a lie.
In this game of life.


The main conflicts of my thoughts. Trying to feel happy, bring my mood up, know what to do. But, it’s always a lie.

Is it better to lie to yourself and be happy? Or to tell the truth and be relegated to sadness at worst or emptiness at best (?).

The question I’ll be asking myself, have been, always knowing. Stuck between a rock and hard place.

Either choice, neither good.

Lie Awake

The thoughts of the mind,
Cool nightly breeze,
Company for the running through my mind.
The depths of night.

Thinking,
Awake I lie.
Thinking,
Happy,
Yet also preoccuppied.
With wonder, confusion, pondering and choice.

Lie awake in this world,
Good but uncertain.
Crossroads to come to.
My choice already made,
The path not yet taken.

As I lie here.
Awake in the dark of night.
Thinking, mind stirring.
Wondering,
Keeping me,
All as I lie here, awake.


Good relaxing day, one of the first since Christmas, but now just lying awake, thinking and can’t get to sleep. A nice-bad feeling. A bit confusing.

Moments of Lies

Moments of lies,
Everytime.
A person who all they said,
A lie.
Myself always convincing myself,
A lie.

Many friends,
Trying to shine a truth,
Through the darkness,
Others, strangers I barely knew.
Should have taken heed.
To save the manipulation.
The reaching into my mind,
Taking all of use.
Before smashing and discarding the rest.
Broken, useless, on the cold hard floor.

At the time,
Waiting to end,
Waiting to break,
Accepting my
fate.

But not anymore,
That is not mine,
That is the fate they planned for me.
I will get up and run.
Move on and past,
In defiant.

The worst of those,
In this world.
Need to be shown.
That the worst will not succeed.
There is a light for all those who show it.
With darkness…
Awaiting those who don’t.

A shroud of lies,
Lifted.
A moment,
Made clear.
A truth revealed.
Of evil people,
Terrible lies,
Dastardly plans,
And a truth of life to defeat them.

Mistaken Kindness

Mistaken kindness.
Both my own, and another’s.

A mistake,
One I should have seen,
Should have known.
The past revealed before me,
The mistake made once, twice and now again.

Placing trust in a snake.
A twisted thorn.
One seeking use and hurt,
Mistaking kindness for staking claim.

Mistaken kindness,
Placed in another.
My mistake.
Trusting those who cannot be.
When the past showed the deep chasms.
The war within my mind.
My kindness trying to shine,
My mind warning me away.
Friends questioning the path walked again.

There are some questions,
To be asked of some.
How do you sleep at night?
How do you ever be at peace?
Should you be?

Mistaken kindness,
For wicked intentions.
A false face,
Lies all abound.

A facade of trust when lies are all there is.
A facade of kindness, when usability is all there is.
An act if what there is, when the truth isn’t to be seen.

A mistaken kindness.
Shining on but one point.
A warning,
To place kindness,
Only when it is shown,
Only when deserved.

To avoid mistakes.
Aches, pains and scars.

From mistaken kindness.

Never Will See

Never will see,
Lost to time,
The way I saw you, felt.
And you laughed at me.

And just ended with a goodbye.
Lost to time.
Feelings,
Lost, left and starved in the cold winter frost.

The care, glowing warm,
Like a cigarette before,
Being stubbed out and left.
In the cold dark of night.

A final end,
To all the trying and care.

Never to be seen.
Left on that cold sidewalk,
In the depths of a winter’s night.
Left out in the cold floor of a winter’s night.
To fade away,
Irradiate all it’s heat and light.
In that cold winter night.
Never to be seen.

Anger for a Lie

The lies you shared,
Refusing me the dignity of being,
Leaving me in torture,
Under your foot.
Broken and controlled.

Only others showed me your lies,
Gave me decency on your behalf when you refused.
Showed me basic human respect when you denied me.

Thrown off my chains,
Tearing my self out,
Out of the hurtful lies,
The bad situation.
The wrecked mind I had to piece back.

You, the orchestrator of my demons’ symphony.


Thinking of the past, how someone treated me, something I tried to forget. But stuff is happening like the same as before.

Finished writing later, not feeling so bad, a walk home, time to think, space, some good news and errands has put me in a better mood.

Too Good To Be True

Too good to be true,
A sadness to my understanding.
Counterpoint to my feeling.

Ignoring what I feel.
Reluctantly,
But ever-so harder.
To confine my feeling.

Feelings return,
Warm and better.

Too good.
A constant reminder.
Too good.

Dampen my hopes,
To avoid the pain.
Pain of loss.
Hurt from love.
Hurt from caring too much.

Caring too much.
The pain this causes.
Worth it to feel the warmth on me.

Again.
I remind myself,
Of the past.

This feeling,
The care,
Too good to be true.