You’ve Hurt Me So Much

You’ve hurt me so much.
Caused me great pain,
That I cannot just ignore, anymore.
It all hurts and I don’t care. I exile myself from you.
My best friend, my family,
I truly love you and care.
But I cannot hurt anymore and so I banish myself.

You may think, what I said was the alcohol,
But it far exceeded that,
Goes back to the root of us.
Breaks me over and over.
And I cannot be bothered.
So I choose,
Willingly, reluctantly,
To leave.
To close that past behind me.
To burn the path I once walked.
To put the final words on that page.

It all,
In retrospective,
Feels such a lie,
One I told,
To see the best,
As I do for all.
But I’m tired of building a lie to make the truth bareable.
So I choose,
Make this choice,
To banish myself,
To leave.

The worst thing about clarity,
Is that you may see,
What you do not wish to.
Seeing it all laid out bare,
And I finally accept.
Though I don’t want to.

Those last two nights,
Showed me the truth,
Showed me the pain I had been hiding from myself.

The pain I hid deep to escape the pain.
It worked, for a while.
However a lie can never last forever.
It fades.
And what is left, is worse because of the lie.
Making it all, just that.
A lie I spun.

I never expected this,
But also did.
Knowing the pain,
Seeing it,
Knowing my mind truly,
Knowing this was building the end.
How a lie built will collapse,
How a lie, is the surest way to an end.

You just showed me why,
Showed me the end chapter.
Showed me why.
And all I can do is accept it.
I’m fine,
Killing the feeling makes it easier,
Unfeeling,
A little sad,
But not breaking,
But freeing.
Knowing the pain is justified.
And I’m tired, of just living the lie.
Those nights showed me.

They showed me the timeline laid out bare,
The hurt and pain,
Covered by a lie.

The pain, holding my face to the flames,
But I closed my eyes,
Just not to see.
Now I open my eyes,
To my burnt skin, peeling, ravaged.
It makes the end easier, seeing the grave dug by my own hand,
The burns all of my own creation.
It truly makes it easier,
Reluctance due, I guess to a lie I held so long.

But holding on only lasts so long.
I’m used to being alone and sad.
I can get used to it again.
I can cut myself off,
Getting used to the emptiness.
Embracing and letting it give me a life,
Whatever it may be.
Bringing the pain through pain.
But I’ve always known, but never wanted to.
I should have known,
It would end this way.

This isn’t the first,
Time I’ve tried to leave,
Each a moment of clarity,
As my mind pulls my soul away,
Grabbing my
face away from the flames.
Before taking the plunge.

But now,
The exhaustion,
The death of feeling,
The death of a life wanted but not had.
Meant I can now close,
Without regret, because the path was leading to here.
It always was and I’m fine with this.

It’s the path that was to be taken.


Writing this, thinking, about my best friend, they hurt me so much recently on the two nights out we’ve ha. And to think I was so looking forward to ganging our with them more, to seeing them more and having amazing times. It is exactly this which has done the opposite, made me not want to see them. It hurts. It’s just shown me pain. Worse still, is the contrast the want and shown the opposite. I know where this had to lead. Where it had to before, but I never walked the path. Now I’m too tired to bother lying to myself, to pretending otherwise, I barely have enough energy for anything I have to do than to create a whole other self to try and be happy and think it worth it and lie to myself. It takes the amount of energy to live to do that, duplicating the mind and altering some features, such as the lie to switch into. But I’m too tired for that. Barely holding onto my ‘own’ self than to create another with features that I wanted to have. Even now thinking of plans, things I wanted to chat about, all sorts of stuff all sorts of stuff, all of it. But now I’m just tired and don’t even feel like any of it. Don’t want to. The last two nights out have shown me it, and I am surprised how they have done all that. Done what I thought not possible. I’m just too tired to bother.

I will miss it, will always care, will miss the plans made but left unfulfilled, but with the latter, they were all either lies or built upon them anyway I guess I should hardly be surprised that a house built on quicksand would not last. But surprised I still am. All of the self harm recently especially has been around this. Knowing but not wanting to m is. Seeing more, but it being what I did not want. I must have I guess built a lie, and only when seeing, you see that what I thought was not there. That’s the thing about the truth, living, and science, you can believe what you want. By when it’s shown you can either just lie or accept what you are seeing to be true.

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Looking Up Into The Sky, Seeing Your Eyes

As I look up into the night sky,
I just see your eyes,
As I stare, encapsulated.

Always remembering that first night,
How I wonder.
How things changed.
How times change.

And I am left staring alone into the night sky.
Only seeing you,
Your eyes,
Brighter than the Sun,
Kind, and bringing me to life.
I write, this, never wanting to move,
Wanting time to stop,
As I look up and see your eyes.

But times have changed.
I have to go.
To save myself,
From heartbreak that will never go away.
Always with care,
To always be there if you need.

But I must go.
To save you the pain,
Seeing me break.
Seeing my heart break everytime.
I wonder if you ever cared.
To see my heart break.
But I pause.
And remember.
Looking up and seeing your eyes shine.
Ever so bright,
As ever before.

Beauty without compare.
Beauty in eyes, and in your soul.

I always will save.
A special place,
For you in my heart.
Even as I say goodbye.

Reluctant, but I must.

Now as I try,
To tear myself away,
Difficult,
But remembering I’ll always care,
Fills me with hope.

Always wanting to see your smile.
But knowing I cannot.
It will hurt, but also give me life.

So I say goodbye,
With a heavy heart, and a heavier soul.
Knowing it’s goodbye.
In one way or other.

I can’t break myself anymore.

Though it’s never something you’ve done.

It’s my heart.
I care too much,
And I can’t,
It’s not fair on you,
Nor me.

So I try,
To shut off my mind,
Yet will always keep open my heart.

So I move on.
Knowing,
Nothing will replace,
But the memories stay,
The times remembered.

In every sunset,
I see your face,
Remember the times gone past.
Knowing hope,
From having met you,
For but the briefest time.

A time that cannot be replaced.
But I leave happy,
Having met,
You having touched my soul.
Like no other.

But that is fine,
It’s okay,
I’m happy,
To have met, to have seen your smile,
To have seen your face.

You’ve touched my soul,
More than you can ever know.

For even if you have no feelings for me,
I don’t care,
For I do and keep them.
But goodbye is how I go.

Always caring and hoping,
You get all the best,
For I care.
But only wishing I could share in your success.

But I say goodbye,
Caring from afar.

But I’ll never be far,
If you need to talk,
Will travel however far, to be with you so you’re not alone.
Will be there in the difficult times at your beckon,
Or there in spirit if you don’t.
To offer any comfort and support.
That my body and soul can provide.

For I care,
And always will.
For you hold, this special place in my heart, and that will not change.

Heart aches

My heart aches,
A life lived.
Seeing it all, made worth,
But it also kills me inside.
Breaks me apart.
But it’s worth it.

How my mind reels, I’ve gotten better, stronger, numb,
But yes. I have lost.
Lost feeling.
But not one.
It’s worth it.

Though I feel it slipping,
I find myself holding on tighter,
A constant reminder,
Self-harm to the highest degree.
Scarring my mind, over and over,
But it is worth it.
For the feeling,
Living life,
I am better.
The scars do not hurt anymore,
I see them. Know them. Let them be my skin. My soul. My story.

They tell of me.
I am stronger.
My heart aches.
It will.
I will never forget,
Do not ever want to forget.

My heart aches,
Pain dulled.
Sadness pervasive, but now I control.
It’s there,
A reminder I keep.
Of a time before.
A time I was happy.

I do not know what to do.
But to be creative,
To show light and tell my story.
To create.

I am sad. But it doesn’t control me.
I am sad.
For the reminder.
It keeps me alive.
Keeps me fighting.
The scars keep me fighting.

I am sorry.
So very sorry for all that’s happened.
I cannot say,
Everything I wanted.
All I can say is,
I meant every word I said.
Always will.

My heart aches for I will forever care,
And this hurts,
But keeps me alive as well.
I changed everything in my lofe recently,
For I had reason.
The first reason I’ve wanted to live.
Rather than stuck in a prison of life.

This hurts me this feeling,
But it keeps me alive.
My soul bleeds as I cry out.
But it’s worth it.
To have met. Been changed.
I was shown,
What it was like to be alive.
For the first time.

And now it’s changed. I do not know what to say.
But it was worth it.
I would give anything,
To get back to that moment,
Change anything for it to return.

Time will tell,
I keep fighting,
Till I cannot anymore.

It has been the best of living,
The only time been living my whole life.


I’m okay, been a wild week. The antidepressants are working, not as much as I’d like, they’ve changed a lot. I’m still sad, empty, but not wrecked. Somewhat feeling numb to everything. But it’s okay.

I am sad. I cannot explain.

Stuck In A Dark Place

Stuck in a dark place,
With no hope to be found,
Nor manifested.
I have lost my ability,
To try and find.

Feeling myself slipping,
Or maybe just fearing it.

Losing hope.
Losing it gradually.
As I desperately cling on,
But find nothing to hold onto.
Find nothing where I once had.

I fear the path I had once tread,
I have tried to improve,
To heal,
But cannot tell,
I did make progress,
But now I fear,
I’ve just opened up the wounds,
Where they open and sting,
Bringing me down under.

But I am losing this battle.
Despite trying.
Trying to keep hope.
To keep myself true.
But it saddens me most that I forgot,
The things that were to givs me hope.


Been depressed most of this weekend, all today, most of this week. Very depressed. Terrible. Even now, trying to cheer myself up, find hope desperately, even the one thing that gave me hope I cannot find it. Couldn’t even motivate myself to go out and do photography, was lazy and couldn’t think of any inspiration.

I Can’t Decide

I can’t decide,
What I feel.
Angry, sad or happy,
To feel such bliss and care.
To be opened up, when I had lost.
To open up.
My heart. Closed to the world.
Having given up.

And then,
Suddenly,
Opened up.
Shown light and care.
Given me my best moments in my life,
Making me comfortable in my own skin,
In my own life.

To be dashed and changed.
Where I do not know.
Do not know what happened.
A crazy time of changes.
A time that has, no matter what,
Changed my life.

The question I ask,
The thing I cannot decide.
Do I regret this?
Do I?

The life to be taken away, the sight of what is true,
When all is okay,
I even asked myself during that time.
Why is everything so good?
In every way,
Finally feeling alive.
Okay with me, myself and living in my skin.

But to be taken away.

I say I cannot decide,
Because I do not want to.

But I’ve always known,
Will always know.
I do not regret.

It’s given me everything.
I can drop dead happy.
Knowing I lived a happy life,
Even if it was only for one month.

Better to leave it alive and kind,
That tainted with hardship.
But too late for that now.
Too late.
Broken heart,
Broken life,
Broken dreams and crushed underfoot.

Now nothing’s left,
But a facade,
One I keep,
For me as much as for you.
For this I’m the most sorry of all,
For myself,
How this goes.

Just to See

Just to see,
The reason and the being,
I finally see.
Can feel the life flowing through my veins.

The reason etched in my heart.
Why.
The why.
Life made true,
Me true, in knowing,
Knowing and finding,
From which the finding comes results and change.
The change itself from the determination of will.

I finally feel alive,
Knowing and wanting to be.
To try.
To make my mark,
To live my life.
It gets hard.

But knowing my reason,
Is the cure for all these ills.
The truth of me.


The day started rough. First day on antidepressants. Nauseous and excessive yawning like every 5 minutes. Felt sick and tired. Slept when I got home as so tired.

But had a catch-up and 3 drinks with a friend, chatting about lots of stuff, relationship stuff, his and mine. But yeah. Was nice. Was nice to help, to know, he said I knew a lot more about shit he’s surprised I did. Told him. It’s because I’m good at seeing the person they themselves hide from sight. Seeing past the facade, because I know I have many of my own I’ve been living for many many years. I can understand people more than they know. And I’ve found this often scares most people. Oh well.

It was nice, feel more in love, much better than I have in a while, remembering all my efforts for self improvement and bettering many aspects I’ve needed for ages. Remembering the reason, it’s all for me, but love was the reason to choose to do it now and make it work, to succeed. For the moments had, the happiest moments ever felt. I will get better. I know.

Because. More than ever in my whole life, I have reason to. That’s the thing, all these things needing improvement, improving may be difficult, but the hardest thing for me always has been. Finding the reason to bother to. The reason to try, the reason to change from the norm. But for the first time ever, I’ve had a true reason to try to make it all work.

And I know, when I find something I know I want to work (like Uni was for me) then I will succeed because there is no other alternative, no option, just success or success

Feel Myself Slipping

Feel myself slipping,
Breaking and falling,
As I’m thinking and thinking,
Wondering.

Feeling the feelings and memories slipping.
Not knowing if I should let it die.
Let my happiness die.
Leave it by the wayside.
Not knowing if it’ll be found ever again.
With nothing but hope left,
Hope that’s been long dead.
Even before I found.

But I don’t know.
Don’t know what to do,
To think,
And my brain bipolar.
Thoughts switching moods in an instant.
Breaking me apart,
My mind,
Cannot cope with the feelings,
The change.
The erratic shifts.

But I.
Cannot see.
All I can do is try.
Long after I’ve given up.
So I just go on,
Hoping my body will try.
To keep going.

All I have left,
Is the loss and pain.

I have lost.
Lost at this game.
Even the pretense,
My game of pretend,
The lie I convinced myself,
In order to convince others,
I cannot play anymore.
It takes too much.

This mood,
Takes too much out of me,
Just living,
Before doing what I need,
In order to live.

But yes.
The small moments.
A song comes on,
A thought pops in my mind’s eye.
May give a little hope,
But I see it all for what it is.
Have seen for years now,
But not wanting to ‘know’.
A false pretend,
The creation, living within,
An alternative reality within my head.

For most my life now,
I spend more time,
Living in a world within my head.
To escape the pain of life.
All happy times but one,
Only exist within my mind.
Leaving reality behind.

But even that last one,
The last bastion of happiness,
Living within reality,
Now, also, only lives within my mind.
In my memories,
My memories of a time.


Today, mixed, not the worst, but still. Nice seeing people care, my skills and achievements. But when I think of it, none of it feels like it matters. Just empty. But not the worst day ever, so that’s something?

Bid Goodbye To That Time

I bid goodbye,
Goodbye to that time,
A fond memory,
Being there and only wanting to stay.
But having to go,
Daily life calling,
But wanting time to stop,
To be in that moment.
I regret having passed.
But you bid me goodbye,
A fond memory,
Remembering,
The time,
Where you stayed,
To send me off.

I remember, but know it’s passed,
I have to learn to live with this.

Learn that the best times,
Are only a memory,
Only alive within my mind.
And there, they stay.

Feeling the loss,
The only time I truly lived,
Truly was alive,
All good surrounding me.
But was even that a lie?

I hope not.
I’ll try to believe not.
And on I go,
Not wanting anymore.

Reminded

Reminded,
Reminder of why.
Lost in a dark place.
A reason, a thing.
Reminding me to try.
Reminding me why to try.

Giving me hope
Reminding me,
Of happiness,
Lived vicariously,
Giving me hope.
Giving me hope.

How it’s reminded me, and given me hope.
Given me happiness and a belief in being.


Today, it started rough, got better with some things. The best thing today, that’s turned things around. Sounds weird, but my best friend commenting on another close friend’s post. Seeing it, just turned my down mood around totally. Well no, it reminded me, it helped ever so slightly. But this then allowed me to find a way out of a dark place. Enough just so I could grab hold and pull myself out.

No one probably could see why this small thing turned stuff around for me. It’s small. Lots of small things can pull me out of a dark place, but also small things can push me into a dark place also.

Definitely not feeling all better, but feeling I feel up to trying to feel better again.

I am still sad about losing that ring. But I’ve come to terms with it. Losing it, but keeping the beautiful memories, the feelings, the time. Making more hopefully, happy memories eventually.

I’m feeling better, having to find something. It’s I guess with Autism, a meltdown, I’ve always noticed a kinda total loss of control and depressive episode and really dark places, followed by a kinda catharsis, an end to it. I’ve always known its not a thing to control but to let take its course. In these states I can’t really escape, and people saying ‘just get better’ or ‘look on the bright side’ has never really been helpful, but the only thing that works is external. Something that reminds me, and calms me, and makes me feel a little better, only a little is needed and then it reminds me why and I can pull myself out of the pit. I just need to keep hold of the reason, keep hold of the feeling.

Ready To Try Again

Ready to try again.
To give it another shot.

Just as life fucks me up.
Over and over.
Fuck you for that.
Let me rage my way to life,
The only path I’ve got.
You’ve left me with nothing,
Something I will never forget.

I just need to try again.
Let the pain course thrpugh my veins.
Let life be as life has always been.
Burning me from the inside.
But I will stand and rage.
To control.
The endless emptiness inside.
Rage and rage.

For you have broken me so,
Broken my soul, my mind, my heart,
All so completely.
I bleed so much.
So hard.

To use my emptiness as strength,
To numb all the pain.
Life has broken me.
This only makes me stronger

Once losing everything,
My body, heart, mind and soul.
What more is there left?
Broken and broken.
Shattered completely.
Numbness.
My strength,
All for a hope,
To be happy again.
Using the lessons of my dark past, dark life,
To forge a path.
To try.

Oh how you break me, Life iver and over,
More and more.
Each and every time.
You break me again and again.

I’ve come to accept.
Empty my heart of all feeling.
Empty my soul of all care.
Rupturing my soul all over the floor.

To try and just get on.