Scared to Lose

Scared to lose.
The feeling,
Feeling in general.
But it’s started.

All empty in place.
Hollow and dead.
In a world passing.
I am unfeeling.
Feeling death.

Trying to grasp to life,
Any feeling to feel alive.

Nothing working.
Everything tried.

But no answer in sight.
No answer given,
I try and try.
I can’t believe.
Life can crush me so.

Only wanting to rage,
To shake life till reality feels.
Shake with my emotions.
To assert I’m alive.
Assert I can be.

But I cannot.
I do not know.
Now anymore.
Anything at all.

I have lost.
Waiting for death.
As I cannot feel anymore anyway.

Nothing I like feels anymore.

So should I break? What is already broken.
Break my mind and soul.
Crush it all as I die.
Rage and protest life.

Letting the fire breathe me into rage. Hate. Because at least I can feel.

Feel rage like I’ve hidden from.
So many years ago.
That decision to value kindness,
Rather than pain.
But look where it’s gotten me.

Pain after pain after pain,
Losing everything,
Losing myself,
Losing every feeling.

So why should I?
I should crush it all.
Break myself,
Until no one can break it anymore.
Broken to dust.
That’s not life.
But that’s all I can get.

But I do not wish for any of it.

But then.

I remember,
Clear as day.
The reason for this pain.
The care,
What I had to give.
What I did.
Feeling alive.
That is all worth it.
It’s worth incarnate.
But was it all a lie?
I do not know.

I do not want to ask the question,
Do not want to remember but also fear forgetting.

My mind cannot decide.
To crush myself for the present,
Or to live only in the past.

Calling Out

Calling out.
Out to the world,
That’s left me so cold.

Gave a glimpse of light.
To just rip my soul from my body.
To hurt me.
Break me.
As I tried.
I tried.
Tried to cope.

Tried to hold on,
And not to lose all I had.
But where am I left.

Either road to walk.
Only ends in pain.

Always ends in pain.
A place of loss.
Loss in the world.
Loss in life.

A continued game.
How much can be lost and lost,
Until nothing’s left.
How much can the soul take.

Watching the beauty fade from the world.
Watching life die, before your eyes.

But this is the way it goes.

Loss of the world.
Death of it all.
Sadness gripping.
Demons to return.
Ending coming.

Sadness gripping.

Watching your soul die,
Before your very eyes.

But you can’t cry anymore.
You’ve lost so much before.
You’ve got no tears to shed.

Got nothing left.

But that’s the way life goes.

Left in dust.

Losing it all,
Before your eyes.
The impossible decision.
The deadly loss.
Silent in its torture.

Sadness in its essence.

The broken lives lost.
The broken way,
The broken past.

Leading to a fractured present.

Leading to this end.
The sadness.
The pain.
The hurt.

Oh how it hurts so.
This emptiness.

Just going to watch it die.

As the body gives in.
As the mind starts to.
But that’s life.
Loss too great.

But what can be done?
What can be?

As the soul breaks.
Willpower loses.

Nothing left.

My Escape

My escape,
From my fate,
From my life,
From being and not knowing,
From the fears and the worries.

Living a life that is not my own,
Living a life that I cannot know.
That I fear and worry about.

I’m lost.
I can’t find my way out.
I cannot find.
Cannot be.
I am worried.
Not knowing a way out,
Finding my way out,
I know,
And that’s what worries me.
Knowing my mind so well.

Knowing it and the path.
Worried about what will be.

And I can just sit and cry,
Thinking, feelig pain.

Missing my every thought as the pain swells inside.

Losing my mind,
My feelings and my will.

I can just sit still.
To ponder,
To sit and wait.
To cry and despair.

But this feeling,
One I know all too well.

It kills me inside.
Breaks me apart.
Throws me off.

Throws me out and apart.
Breaks me.
Makes me. Break myself.
Break my mind apart.
Sit and rip into my soul.

I’m used to this feeling,
Used to this time.
Used to how it feels,
To rip into your own soul, mind, and heart,
To pull it out and rip it from unto your own body.
One that does not feel your own.

One that is alien to the touch,
Alien to the feel.
But you can only stand and watch.
As the actions take out.
Make their ways,
And all you can do is watch.
Having and losing the escape you try to hold dear.

Good day, feeling mixed now, thinking and overthinking. Going to visit home, has been a needed escape. I love it in Brighton, but cannot really face going back, worried, apprehensive. I can’t wait to go back, planned to, but also don’t want to. It’s too soon. I’ve never really questioned my decision to move away from home as I am now. But now I am. I can’t help. But feel sad, not for going back, or leaving home. Just deep sadness within myself, not knowing what I think or feel. What I want or can do.

Clutching onto Hope

Clutching onto hope,
Sadness comes and brings,
I try, I need to try to hope,
To remember,
A warm feeling to try and keep.

Anxiety and worry,
Thoughts plaguing,
Oh how so broken.

Clutchig onto hope,
Remembering, worrying.

Hope and end.
As I have lost,
Am lost.
Am totally lost.

Sad, today’s been rough, work busy and anxiety inducing, lots of small mistakes I made which my mind has been raging over all day. Been very tired. Totally sad. Thinking can back to the night out which also has brought me down. One thought fills me with a warm feeling, even as I know it tries to fade. But I guess I have to hold on to hope, to a nice warm feeling.

Deteriorating World

Left watching,
The world’s slow deterioration,
A crumbling of the fabric of everything.
A slow death,
A coming end.

As it moves towards conclusion.
A end coming,
Breaking apart before conclude.
Before a finality.
All to do but watch, with sadness,
Gazing upon, a crushing end.
As it all falls apart,
I stand watching,
Waiting for a breaking point,
Watching for the rupture.
Sadness grips me,
As it all slips away.
All pushed apart,
All crushing under the weight of it all.

Loss just consumes me,
With no way out,
No other way out.
Watching the world like a ghost.
Unsure about anything.
It all,
Breaking upon the weight of it all.

I can’t,
Standing here but can’t,
Do nought but watch it all,
Fall apart,

Flogging myself along a path,
Trying not to fall further and further behind.
But it tires me,
Trying to move along,
In the dark,
Without any direction or light.
I am stuck.
Am lost.

With nothing that can be done,
During this deteriorating world.

Sad, same stuff as I was writing about last night, even the one thing that can give me hope or happiness I have to see, have to see it as a lie or an illusion. Leaving me just giving up.

Curse my Autism to hell, leaving me in pain. Constant pain.

Existing In Emptiness

Existing in emptiness,
This unsettling existance,
An emptiness true and sad,
Breaking apart,
Leaving empty,

Leaving nothing to matter,
Nothing to be,
Disassociating from reality,
Wishing and waiting.
Feeling like death,
The pain caused by existence,
Not feeling,
Being without place.

It all feeling disassociative,
Place not to find,
All meaningless,
Where it is all empty,
Hurtful and breaking.

Leading to a rupture,
A break and hurt.

It leaves me,
Hurts me.
Tears my mind apart,
With the war of trying,
Undermining it all,
As it all breaks apart in place,
Tearing me all apart.

My whole existence, a painful lie,

An emptiness,

Always there, just the lie told too sweet.

I give up. Give up the lie that suffocates me.

That chains and cuts me,
Beats me senseless,
Rips and ruptures.

Leaving me nothing,
A broken mess,
Having tried.
But. Broken.
Everything. Broken.

Been writing this for like 2 days. My mood has been terrible. Wrote on my Moodtrack and it explained things, I overall have lost everything, nothing feels anymore. I had aspirations to do research. That now seem impossible. I’m more alone than ever. Most friends have gone, the few I have are leaving soon. I don’t ever really get to meet anyone new so my friends are getting fewer, fewer and fewer. I’m panicking thinking about this right now. Panicking as this is all true. My head is about to burst. Just so scared. I used to feel, care, and all now is empty. I have achieved more than I thought I ever could and achieving has only brought about the realisation of it being all a lie I was working towards and I have no idea, no clue, even photography I’m not sharing, I’m getting less and less motivated to go out and it has less and less of an impact positively on my mood.

It’s all burning up.

I feel like death, but stuck in place.

All these fears, all these worries. Eating at me. I can only ignore the fears for so long. Spending all my brainpower just to ignore. I’m getting less and less able to hide them under a facade around my friends and people I know. It’s all coming to a tipping point. Everything feels like nothing, with no way out and all I can do is hope I don’t wake up.

I can’t take it. I can’t. I can’t. It’s breaking me apart. Everything. Why. Just everything.

Don’t Deserve, Through The Pain

No matter the good,
I am in chains,
In pain,
A living that is not my own.
Chained to life.

With nothing left,
Nothing gives me life.
Pain greets me, with every breath I take.

Something wrong I know.

I do not deserve,
The goodness has to kill me.
It crushes deep everytime.

It crushes my soul.
Tears me apart.

Thinking, had an amazing time in London, Dion photography, took like 1000 photos today. Been on 3 photography trips over the last few days, after a long rut I have gone back into photography full sprint. Today was good, facing strong anxiety, London has always given me great anxiety as a kid till now I guess. In 5 years in England I’ve been to London 3 times. Two of those three were since I finished my Masters. The other one time I couldn’t get out of it as I needed a heart scan in London. Finally feeling better, stronger and getting over the anxiety over London, after the start I could actually relax in London, after stressing about it on the journey there.

But even despite the really good day, the good last few days, still thinking, about me, Autism, existence, having a crush, and it’s all getting too much. Even on those best of days I’d rather not exist, leave and never be heard of again, also just forgotten by everyone who knows me. But too weak, and also chained by the bonds I would not want to inflict pain on others. But then, it’s a living for others rather than wanting to myself. Thinking of a crush and it’s like, it’s saddening. I see myself getting happy thinking of conversations and all sorts of stuff, but when I notice I’m happy, I crush it all out. To stop the pain, to stop thinking, lying that I could ever be happy. Also that because of all of me I guess I don’t deserve it, I’m too weak for it, so I crush myself to dust.

Like a self perpetuating cycle that exacerbated itself. Like being to tired to do something fun and hence you become sadder and more tired and sadder still. Like me before, but what’s different, with being tired you need to force the single time to get back on track, while this? I can not argue with the facts. Fact, I’m alive, fact I’ve not met expectations I have, fact if I didn’t lie to people daily about how I’m doing they’d be shocked and stunned, even by the mere way I live.

I don’t deserve anything good, but this makes me more and more sad. But I guess that’s the natural progression from not deserving anything good,

Broken Lies

Broken lies,

Exhaustion great,

How I try to escape,
To break from my body and be free.

From a life of pain, emptiness and broken lies.

How it breaks you,.
Or leaves you to break yourself.

How it tortures you,
Or leaves you to watch yourself crack.

Back to childhod,
Praying everynight for death to find me, Biting my skin till drawing blood.
Wishing for an end.

From then?
I have lost the reason,
The outcome basically the same.

Broken lies we tell ourselves,
Life only through belief in them.
Seeing causes the break, the rupture.

Lost like before, but with no reason to try.
Again as before,
Just waiting, waiting without end in sight.
Such a poor sight,
Like watching a puppy drown,
A child hit by a car. But at least the end is in sight.

But they may not see it, may nit have lost this lie, and thus they hold back from it.

While torture opens eyes.

Body tired, stomach hungry, but the mind has no motivation to move,
Just thinking “I want”, and countering “but why”.
And left in limbo it stays,

No energy to do, to think, to live.
Like many years ago, I remember clear,
Life consisting of a routine, school then sleep, then dinner alone and then sleep. Repeating on and on.

Today been the same, without school and a purpose and without eating with no motivation.

Sleep kills my consciousness,
It breaks me briefly free,
From life and living,

I have tired,
Being broken again and again,
So tired of all the broken lies,
That have struck me and struck me and struck.
I am tired of all this being.
Sick, of living a life of broken lies.

Slept all day today, work was exhausting, as soon as I got home at 4 I slept and pretty much slept through until 4am minus the time to write this. Haven’t even eaten. So exhausted.

Wanted to do photography, been wanting to for a week, but have been so exhausted and lacking motivation or ideas.

I have lost. Feel broken. Lost motivation and reason. I can’t find a reason for anything. I really can’t. Depression hasdby been this bad since secondary school where I slept all day everyday apart from school. I worked hard. And I slept totally. Now it’s the same but work instead of school. So tired I’d rather not. So tired.

Not really seen sunlight all day, been asleep.

At least asleep my mind doesn’t think, I’m at peace, numb and oblivious to the world. The closest I can unfortunately get to not being of the world.

Life is pain. When there is nothing left, for anything.

I was happy when I thought I had come across something that seemed for a long while to cure my Autism, did so for like 35 hours. But was too good to be true, should’ve guessed.

Lost In Place

Lost in place,
All the soace around me,
Free to move, bt chained in place,
With lots but without choice,
Mind anchoring, keeping me,
Lack of direction, lack of choice,
Makes a lead, to unmotivation.

Havig always had a goal.
Now seen to be a lie,
One I told,
To keep going, trying.
Told, to try and achieve, where not achieving was the only other alternative.
My only choice,
Taken away,
A aim I held for so long. Gone.

Now I exist in limbo,
My own personal hell.
Hoping, trying. But both fading.
I see the life drift from my finger tips,
See the hope drain from my eyes.
My soul fade from hope,
To hatred, unhappiness, emptiness and exhaustion.
All for everything,
Lies I made, needed to believe to give meaning.

A lie I thought could hold if I keep the flame alive,
I didn’t expect the sudden extinguish.

Or did I?

I think I did.
But hiding the truth when it leaked through the lie that needed telling.

A lie I needed. A lie I told.
A lie to fight the loss, emptiness.
A lie now failed,
I find myself.
Lost in place.

Amazing meal out for a friend’s birthday, haven’t seen them almost in a year while we’re all in the same city. A group of friends I almost saw every week for a couple years.

Good to see them. Really needed this, a treat, a reminder.

Still feeling lost, hurt, sad, and without motivation but small things like this, nice times are much needed distractions, things, small times, bringing me back to life.

The poem is dark, has needed to be written, about the gradual process, me since September, maybe even from 2017 a gradual decline I tried to hold back. Now the only things holding it back, my motivation, hope and idea of hard work bearing fruit. All fade, all gone, all shown as the lie I told myself to try and will a reality into being. It was worth the try. It was a good run. Still happy about tonight out, this is an undertone, a constant one for years, but at least I can replay the night in my mind, to offer what little comfort I can forge from it. To lessen pain.

Making me feel living rather than just existing.

Mind Dragging Away

The mind dragging away,
Pulling away,
Fracturing being,
Pain through thoughts,
So much there,
Just so much.
It’s always the same,
Thoughts after a time,
Just thoughts, after it all.
Thinking overwhelming.

Sinking and thinking,
As the darkness creeps in,
Flowing through my veins for a while,
Until the time.

At the time.
Trying to be.
Trying not to think,
But just there.
Existing and thinking.

Just in the being,
As I drift,
Thinking through the fall.

Oh how my mind sinks and thinks.
Drifting down and down.

Oh how it wont stop.
It doesn’t waver.

Just down and down it goes.

Breaking through the fall,
Making me so angry at being.
Anger at the thinking.

Pain in being,
Just cryibg out,
To be heard.

Wailing into the dark wind.
Sinking faster and faster.

Alone in the darkness.
Just feeling.
But fine.
In the being.

In this time.
In place,
I feel, so empty.
In place, being, so empty.

But trying,
I feel.
So empty.
Trying. But so empty.
Empty in thinking, and feeling,
Trying, but.

Just dragged down.

Good times this week. Seeing a friend last weekend, hard work on a project of mine. Work was okay but stressful today, but at least now I know it’s something I can handle and people have faith in me. Which is nice. Saw a friend briefly when they were in town, was over the moon to see.

Now just thinking, about it all. Feeling sad. Been wanting to write a lot of poetry but early nights have meant I haven’t really had the chance.

Thinking, for a while, how my mind, takes a happy time and rips me apart so I can’t be hurt. By torturing and hurting myself.