Slipping Through the Cracks

Slipping through the cracks,
My sorrow kept under control.
Now unleashed into my mind.
My overthinking,
Over and over the waves of pain hits me.

Slipping through the cracks.
A pain.
Hurt.
Trying to forget,
In desperation to ignore the pain.
Thoughts racing,
Mind turning.

The pain, returning for a time.
A long time gone.
Returning yet again.
Emotions running wild.

Trying to gain control,
To gain control,
My thoughts running wild.
Overthinking.
My downfall.

The return,
The focus,
The attempt to not see.
The attempt to forget.

Slipping through the cracks,
The defences of my mind.
A pit of black.

To wait it out till morn.
A rough night to come.
Memories of the pains of my past return.

Knew the day would come.

As all from before.
Comes slipping through the cracks.
For a time.
Before I find the path, again.
My legs to stand on.
Before then, the pain comes.
Slipping through the cracks.

Advertisements

My Realisation

My realisation,
My awakening.
The knowing.

The pain and heartache,
The happiness and bliss.
The realisation.
My pain.
Also happy.
Confused realisation.

Sad acceptance.
Continued path.
Off and onwards I march forward.
Into the bright unknown I have built for me.

Sad existential angst.
The heartache,
Ever-present but controlled.
Controlled but felt.
Felt but buried.

How I reconcile,
The unknown next step I’ll handle.

Burying,
Both the most dear,
And the most hurtful.

A golden time.
Clinging onto the bright horizon.
Even faced with the dark storm.

My realisation.

Unfeeling Pain

The unfeeling.
The pain that comes.
“Not good enough”.

The pain that comes,
Always from the meeting,
Bliss amazing,
But shrouded in pain.
Pain from the past.

Pain I wished I could shed.
Hardening myself.
From pain.
From the hurt.

My only response.
Unfeeling in my pain.
To cope.

Trying.
Trying so hard it breaks me.
Hurts me.
Wish I could be better.

The only response I know is unfeeling of the pain.
The unfeeling in the face of great pain.
Pain and wanting to be better.
But constantly hurt.

Only unfeeling in the face of pain.
This unfeeling pain.

Finding Me

Finding me,
The figure standing in the pass,
The dark path ahead to navigate.

The stormy seas within my mind,
Sadness drowned out by the walk.
My path, my aim.
My only way out.

Loss, a familiar friend.
Of everything.
Friends of a time.
People I have to let go.
Others I escape.

The passing,
Moving,
On.
Into the darkness.

Upset at the lonely path I walk.

But walking with an aim in mind.

Wishing for company,
But for now I walk.

The lonely figure in the midst of night,
The star-speckled night sky.

People massing,
Time flowing.
Thoughts remaining.

An linear oblivion.

An existential pathway.

Finding me on this path.
Alone, wanting company.

But for now I go on.
Finding me.

Final Goodbye

The memories,
The little moments,
Most casual chats,
All, being nice.
Those little things.

Never seeing how others see you.
I, always wanting to help.
But it kills me inside.

My biggest fear,
Realised, in seeing you again.
But totally worth it.
You are, believe it.
But I must stop.

You’ll never know,
Never see,
How much I want to hang out.
How this question within my mind,
Bringing dread and confusion.
Weighing on my mind constantly.

What I want most,
You to be happy, healthy and moving on to a bright future.
Wishing I could be there,
But knowing, I shouldn’t.
No matter how much I want.

Having to hate you,
To save me from feelings of care.
Ashamed and hurt by this end.
But no other path before me but relentless pain.

I’m sorry.
Like you will never understand.
To my core,
But given tough choices,
A step must be taken.

Having to tear apart the best parts,
Of us hanging out.
Finding the worst,
Holding them, as if they were the only.
Will be for the best.

Me to move past,
You to work on more important things.


Wrote a while ago and found the draft of this, I poem I like and also don’t. It’s complex. Not feeling too down right now, not as much as this shows, but… it’s meaningful and was hurtful when I wrote it. Not the same as it’s published date. Wasn’t sure about publishing it.

The Warm Glow

A warm glow beneath,
The love, the care,
Against the adversity,
The doubt.
I remain,
To bask in the warm glow,
In the face of the realisation,
The hallucination.

Basking in this warm glow,
My feelings underneath,
Warm and glowing as the embers drift off,
Drift away into the cold dark.

I still remain,
Sit here clinging onto the last remains of a fire fading into the dark.
Through realisation,
Through revelation,
Being left to oblivion.

I cling on to the last bits of this flame.
Gaining strength from the warmth,
Empowered by the light.
Trying to keep it lit.

The memory to keep it going.
The lie as a necessary key.
To myself,
To keep.
The fire burning.
To keep hold of the warm glow.

Hoping to reignite the flame🐇,
The bonfire to-be.
The future lit by the bright flame,
Enough to put the Sun to shame.

Until the light returns,
I keep,
I shelter it,
Keep hold of if.
To keep it lit.
To keep it from the cold dark.
To make it through.

To give it new light.

I am here,
Remaining,
In warmth,

Holding onto the flickering light.
Protecting her,
This flame.
Against the oncoming cold depths of darkness.
Holding her, away from the cold.

Until it passed,
She reignites,
The flame turns into a bonfire,
To light the darkness,
Turn the cold, hot.

Until this time,
I remain,
Sheltering this warm glow.
Protecting with all I have,
All I can.

Sheltering this warm glow.

Holding Onto the Thoughts As I Feel Them Fade

Holding onto the thoughts as I feel them fade,
Fade away,
And off into the distance.

The memory, not in substance but feeling,
Feeling and meaning.

Offensive thought,
Fearful of the fading,
Afraid of losing the feeling,
This bliss.
Wanting to remember,
Grasping hold.

As I feel them fade.
Holding onto the thoughts.
Never letting go.
Remembering the feelings, the bliss and freedom.
How the feelings stay,
Yet also fade,
When I grasp hold, trying to remember.

To hold close,
And not let go.
To the feeling I encountered,
I felt,
I held,
The light bursting through all the darkness.

How I find myself holding on,
To hold close,
The feelings I found,
Even if they are only a happy lie.
I hold on,
In hope, passion and care.

Holding onto the thoughts and feelings,
To slow the fading.
To hold close those memories,
The deep care,
To avoid the fading into afar.

The Lonely Silence Of The Dark

Lonely silence of the dark,
The dark days gone past,
Those yet to come,

Waiting for those light days, the ones to look forward to.
To hope for,
To live for.

When the darkness of the night is all around,
With silence as the figure lurking in the dark.
The depths of night.
An impenetrable shroud;
Thick, dark, all-consuming.
Suffocating at a touch.

The feeling of life,
The memories returning,
But only for a time.
The deep sadness,
To accompany the lonely silence of the dark.

Out Of Mind

Out of mind,
I hide the feelings,
Scared of where they could take me,
Offered care and kindness.

Trying to keep the pain out of my mind.
To keep in the happiness,
A game of pretend,
To ignore my mind and emotions.
The pain that comes with darkness.
The shining light, that echoes in the darkness.

The mind, clouded with worry, sadness and uncertainty.
Trying to push all feelings out of mind.
Trying to save myself from my demons.

An attempt to hold strong against the dark.
To keep the leeches at bay.
To wipe my mind,
To save the body.

Out of mind is the answer,
Or it must be,
The solution I face,
Only way past it.

Out of mind.
To cope, to save me.

Rift

Rift running deep,
Evicerated by the thoughts.
Turmoil of emotiness,
The rage in the quiet.

The silent darkness,
Walking through the dark alone,
The darkness my home.
Defiant and strong.
The rage my instrument

Thinking of time.
Confined to the mind.
Emptying out my pain.
Filling it with rage,
Turning it empty.

Myself, a dark night,
Dimly lamp-lit.
A figure stabdibg on the corner.

Silently watching,
Everything let go.
The darkness, the silence and emptiness all a familiar friend.

Friends unfamiliar,
Living without seeing.
Unable to help regardless.

A confusing state,
This rift.
Rift of mind,
Rift of sight,
Of being and of thinking.

Left to the black emptiness.
Somehow tricking myself into and out of feeling.

An emptiness without sadness,
Without happiness.
Mere being.

Sad words to others,
For me, a state i understand,
A state i cannot feel,
This rift within me.