Bring the Pain Into Being

Bringing the pain,
Through my mind into my skin,
Never to be seen.
Scars in the mind.

As the dark smile grows,
Wanting to feel pain,
Penance tor beiny,
Rage at being.

Just to hide, before showing the colours.

As the darkness surrounds,
I have known no other,
Wanting to just rip out of me.
In pain and rage of being.

In my mind I can be.

All the faces before me.
With my given lie.
Oh how they don’t.

Broken shards in my mind, arm and body.

Oh how it all combines,
All these lives,
All in a lie.

Not knowing,
As I bring pain,
Into being.
To feel, pain that I can all bring.
Ripping my skull out of my own mind.

Just to feel angry. Sad. Hurt.

Just to bring about an edge.

Lies, told without even knowing,
Pain has overcome,
Lies they are,
But I’m so used to hiding.
So the snap-shot emotion,
To get past the question,
Years and years of practice.

A mind just to calculate,
Normality, then form a mask.

While inside the pain grows,
Making the unseen scars,
Rip across my face and body.

Bringing anger and sadness.
Till it exhausts me.
Till I collapse tired.
Till I give up.

Being, bringing pain into the mind,
The mind’s response pain, for the body only to.
Lead to it all.
Pain totality, anger and sadness.
Left hollow and lost.

Disappointment is key,
To bring feeling to this pain,
To make it whole and grow free.
A rage, a battle against me.

Day As It Goes

The day as it goes,
Flowing into,
As it all drifts.

Left thinking,
As it all grows dark.

The time of thinking,
As night creeps in.

It all goes,
And I’m left to ponder.

To ponder, to be.

Had a good day, a little photography, but still feeling a little sad. For what I mentioned yesterday, being lost and unable to find, without even knowing the path to take. A problem I face alone and just think and think.

Pain that Never Rests

In the pain that never rests,
Pain in the world.
Never resting for the mind,
All the darkness.

I can’t see.
Full of gratitude,
The pain exists,
Moves and fills me with emptiness unexplained.
In a world I am so alien.

Pained and tired,
Waiting, hoping.
Feeling broken without a reason why.

Of all I’ve gone through,
Waiting and hoping.

A world slashing at my sides,
As I walk this path. Having lost. Lost all I knew,
Every path thrown into disarray.
All those hopes I have lost.
All I have, lost.

Gratitude for all that has come,
Has been given me,
Has been earned through trying.
But I have lost.

Stuck in a well,
Without sight,
Without a way out.
Dying within the depths of my mind,
Numbing without direction.
As I stand here lost,
Only to collapse.

Without direction.
The mind it hurts,
Passions fought for, fighting for,
But they die inside.
I have lost.
Lost all I held.
Lost and cannot find.

Without rest my mind,
It cannot find.
Hope to be.

Just got back after a photography trip, a short one considering it was 3am. Feeling a little calmer, better, but still a bit sad, without knowing a reason why.

Thinking, of the many hopes I had during Uni, all torn apart gradually, even in the pain, I had hope, even in vain. But now. It’s all gone. My hopes, there but lost, without any hope. I try, try and try. Watching before me. Having lost.

Thinking, my hopes, maybe its Aspergers, but I had hopes, direction. After Uni, I have gotten into photography, but don’t go as much as I want, maybe just so distracted, hopes to study, to do a PhD, to become a lecturer. So glad with my opportunities, that have allowed me to move away from home, something I never thought I would be able to do this early, my generation in my family I have been the first to move away from family. But still find myself lost, without direction. I haven’t kept up studying, research, reading, something I feared. Because of photography, sadness and seeming so far away from any of my hopes and wants. Even the most basic, I have lost. Even my closest friends I rarely see. So good the small occasions I get to see friends. But still. All seems lost and I do not know what to do, to try, to hope. Only left, to die inside the mind.

Worries, How They Claim

Worries in my mind they lash and claw,

The fight and rage,

Leaving no peaceful moment.

I resign,
Resign to sadness after trying,
Resign, to being a mere distraction from what I try not to see.
A distraction to show others, what they want, a normal, happy, person.

While inside I’m dying.
While inside, I feel shame for this very fact.

I’m just here,

Worried if I do, worried if I don’t.

With no options open to me,
I feel trapped, trapped by no options,
Trapped from a mind hiding itself within distractions.
Trapped with inaction, paralysis to fear.

Writing this, the time I spent at home, very busy, very hectic, many nights I wrote poetry. It fell asleep away halfway through and those were the few nights I had a chance.

Back at home, now, I should be happy, should be for so many things, but I’m sad, in pain and worried, it claiming my mind. There are a couple things that calm my mind, but even these worry me when looking at them for what they are, a distraction to ignore my own worries, my own mind.

But until I find another option I guess distraction shall have to do.


Just disappointed,
With what thrown my way.

Unable, to take a step back.
Unable to forward.

Just wishing

Wanting. Just empty. Wishing. Just left.

Nothing to turn to.
Every way I think leads in emptiness.

It all.
Just cannot.

Just disappointed. In myself. In people. All people. Hope leads only to disappointment.

I starved myself in my first year of Uni. Even went into a store to feel less hungry, eating food through my eyes. All my degree never got what I wanted. Anxiety and all. All only to afford my degree. Only barely. Everything. First time I really second guess my decision to move. Move. I don’t want to go home. Left with nothing. I can’t be bothered. The new year. Hasn’t started well. I guess it’s never started well for me. My worst days are others’ amazing ones. All I can do is drink and just drink.

All the pain, struggle, for nothing. All to show for it, a façade. A pretence for others.

I just give up. Just wish my body would let me. Depression is always. Anxiety is always. I just try not to notice it. Just try not to think about it.

Just had a plan, a party to spend New Year’s, was effectively cancelled as soon as I left for it, drinking on the beach alone, couldn’t be bothered to stay 30 mins for fireworks. Regret going out. Regret not staying for fireworks. Regret not going home for the holidays, would regret staying home for New Year’s Eve. I have one wish since I was 12 and it’s always been out of reach. But I wish. Staying for reasons not your own. Chained, but not being what you want.

Against The River Flow

Against the river flow,
Sad to see,
Sad to hear,
Sad to feel.

Sad to know,
Solitude in my drift,
Against the river flow,
Going for kindness,
To be there for others,
And I do it alone.

Walk the path,
A lonely drift,
A twig, alone,
Going against the river flow.

Seeing all flow past,
Walking down this path.

Current always pushing against.
Against me in this river’s flow.
Knowing I’m always alone.

Writing this about kindness, consideration. As I look back, seeing the path walked, always being used, an easy for others to get comfort. Always trying to help. I get used and left.

A path I walk, and know I walk it alone. Only to be used when needed, and left alone. Hating yet I continue to walk as life tears, and walk it alone.

Eating Away

Eating away,
At this mind of mine,
Poisoned, by the thoughts,
By worry,
As it eats away,
Alone and not knowing what to do.

World emptying,
All but worry.

Not knowing what to do.
With the mind’s worries.
Left alone in my soul.
Not worth a damn,
As it eats away at my mind.

Crushing me inside.
Sorry for all there is,
For me.
Sinking deeper into despair.

Worry for my uselessness.
The hopelessness.
The pain as it comes to take me.

Stuck in place,
Nothing to help.
Pain, pain, always lingering.
Even despite my occasional ignorance.

Giving up,
Giving in.
The only option when left with nothing.
Nowhere to go,
The pain,
Wrapping itself around.

And breaking me inside.
Ripping me apart.
My self.
Torn apart.

Eating away from the inside.
My insides rupturing,
Body dying,
With the light, going out.

The flame of hope to fade.
Trials and trials all swirling,
Only to end in dust.

The darkness all-consuming,
No matter the fight.
All for nought.

It is.
It always is all for nought.
As it eats away within me,
Breaking it all apart.

Rest now.
Lie now.
Break apart in peace,
For there is no good choice,
But one must be taken.

A shitty day. Got some results back, some better than I thought, others not as good as I thought. I have to complain about this lecturer, who disliked my topic from the start, as it contradicted their view. Then the day was okay, productive, then I tried to do some productive planning for the future and it broke me. For hours now, like 6 hours, broken, worried, dead inside, hopeless, alone and not knowing what to do. No one to turn to.

Just wishing the pain could stop. I can’t take it anymore.

No matter what gets better, I’m always broken all the way back.

Got a cold I guess, feeling like death, emotions and worries and failures. Wanting it all to stop. It’s breaking me too much, I have to keep on, even as I really just can’t anymore.

Another long session in the library tomorrow.

To get what I want, need to earn more and starve myself to save. From my first year at Uni it’s been tough, always hiding it from all others until it finally bleeds through the façade.

My body wants to crawl up and die. My mind is pushing on, as that’s the only chance of getting closer to my aim.

Don’t know how much more I can take.

Always trying my best, giving my all. But it’s never enough. Never enough no matter what I give, the cost I take.

Don’t know how much more I can take.

What was I Supposed To Do

What was I supposed to do?
When you came back,
And knew I wanted no part.
Forced your way back,
To cure a loneliness.

I’m done with blaming myself for other people’s faults.
The crime of only caring about oneself,
Stepping on the throats of others.

It’s my fault,
For not standing my ground
Caring for me.
Yours for seeing what it could do,
And going on with a smile.
To make it worse.
To blame it all on me.
For being me.

An end come good.
I needed to stop,
Administering poison to my wound.

Need to remember,
There is light in this world,
That doesn’t come with pain or malintent.

What was I supposed to do?
When I tried to escape,
You knew I tried,
Wouldn’t let me.
Saw what was happening,
Smiled and carried on.

What was I supposed to do.

Slipping Through the Cracks

Slipping through the cracks,
My sorrow kept under control.
Now unleashed into my mind.
My overthinking,
Over and over the waves of pain hits me.

Slipping through the cracks.
A pain.
Trying to forget,
In desperation to ignore the pain.
Thoughts racing,
Mind turning.

The pain, returning for a time.
A long time gone.
Returning yet again.
Emotions running wild.

Trying to gain control,
To gain control,
My thoughts running wild.
My downfall.

The return,
The focus,
The attempt to not see.
The attempt to forget.

Slipping through the cracks,
The defences of my mind.
A pit of black.

To wait it out till morn.
A rough night to come.
Memories of the pains of my past return.

Knew the day would come.

As all from before.
Comes slipping through the cracks.
For a time.
Before I find the path, again.
My legs to stand on.
Before then, the pain comes.
Slipping through the cracks.

My Realisation

My realisation,
My awakening.
The knowing.

The pain and heartache,
The happiness and bliss.
The realisation.
My pain.
Also happy.
Confused realisation.

Sad acceptance.
Continued path.
Off and onwards I march forward.
Into the bright unknown I have built for me.

Sad existential angst.
The heartache,
Ever-present but controlled.
Controlled but felt.
Felt but buried.

How I reconcile,
The unknown next step I’ll handle.

Both the most dear,
And the most hurtful.

A golden time.
Clinging onto the bright horizon.
Even faced with the dark storm.

My realisation.