Too Much Care

The moment I realise my lie,
Caring too much,
Caring more than I can say.
It being unwanted?
Perhaps.

Caring alone.
Thinking of my past mistakes.
The mistake of me,
Putting in too much care.

Not realising before,

That it wasn’t wanted.

Something I tried not to see.
Because it hurt.
Thinking,
Is it worth it.

Caring when it isn’t wanted.


Overthinking, the past and present, what I should do. Just thinking . Especially when I cannot help.

Don’t worry, it’ll pass, this overthinking. As it always does.

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Moment of panic

A moment of panic,
The realisation.
Paralysed,
Vision, gone to a tunnel.
Down a spiral, a moment of fright.
From the realisation that I hoped would not come.

Memory gone to blank.
A moment of panic.
Breathing hard.
Moment blank.
Heart falling heavy.

And on the fall.
On the drop.
Falling for a moment.

Lost and falling.
The moment all-consuming.

Only for but a moment.
A moment. Of panic.


Writing this after a brief but intense moment of panic. My breathing raced, heart beat out of my chest, my vision constricted to a tunnel.

Like opening Pandora’s box and finding unexpected shock. Something to destabilise me.

I have had an amazing day and this one thing threatens to bring be down to a lowest, but I’m fighting back, at least for the day to be over, ended on a happy note.

This thing’s just broken me, but I don’t know if it’s irrational, or not. Enough of this though, only one way to find out where this goes.

So glad this realisation happened on a good day. An absolutely fucking brilliant day. I’m determined to see past it and go on happy. Don’t know about tomorrow.

A Doorway Goodbye

That doorway goodbye.

Timid, quick, apprehensive.
You, just as me.

The goodbye, promise of a continuation.
Knowing it would never come?
Oh how you walked out the doorway.
Running out, to try. I tried.

Only to see you, standing there.
Tear running down your cheek.
A sad smile,
A promise.
A underlying sadness.
The sadness of this goodbye,
A microcosm of the unknown.
To be left unopened.

A picture I wont forget.
You.
Standing in that doorway,
Tear-on-cheek.
For that doorway goodbye.

A message unspoken.
Moment shared.
Our goodbye.
Our moment.

Our shared times,
Flashing before my eyes.
The laughs,
Shared conversations.

That time,
Laying in your bed.
You looking me in the eye,
Straight through,
Into my soul.
And I into yours.

A doorway goodbye.
Moments grabbed from reality.
With this doorway goodbye.


Another storyesque poem, one that follows on from “That Beach Sunset. The Last Night Together“. A continuation. Of the story. The end to the story, most likely, and for now. But most likely the end.

Again, I say that I’m not unhappy, I’m happy and okay, just thinking to a memory. Happy, sad, nostalgic and remembering. I’m good.

Anger for a Lie

The lies you shared,
Refusing me the dignity of being,
Leaving me in torture,
Under your foot.
Broken and controlled.

Only others showed me your lies,
Gave me decency on your behalf when you refused.
Showed me basic human respect when you denied me.

Thrown off my chains,
Tearing my self out,
Out of the hurtful lies,
The bad situation.
The wrecked mind I had to piece back.

You, the orchestrator of my demons’ symphony.


Thinking of the past, how someone treated me, something I tried to forget. But stuff is happening like the same as before.

Finished writing later, not feeling so bad, a walk home, time to think, space, some good news and errands has put me in a better mood.

Cutting Myself Off

Cutting myself off,
Misunderstood, left in the unknown,
Unable to help those I care about.
Left out of the picture.

Patterns repeat,
Pain comes again.
Being warned away,
But not taking heed.
Needing to cut off.
To save myself.
Needing to cut off,
To protect, to help, to live.

I do not want to,
Cut away the feeling.
But it may save me,
By killing a major part.

A decision of me,
Decision of mine.
One I do not want.
Cannot take.

Funny,
How some things change.
How most others stay the same.


Feeling quite sad, sad I cannot help, that they do not know. The latter is for the best, but brings me great pain.

Considering legitimately, now, the first time in a long time. To cut myself off.

They have a friend, do not need me. I’m only the help for work, company or motivation.

I can do all those things for myself, but not worth doing it for another, if it only brings pain. But that’s the hard part.

It doesn’t only bring pain, but brings something so worth it, the feeling, that it makes the pain worth it.

I know this feeling, may be overthinking. But even then, one truth I know, my overthinking, is usually right, is the truth, but one I do not want to come to terms with. I need to. I have to.

Seems like it’s decision time for me. One I will make tonight, one way, or another.

To Bear the Rough

To bear the rough,
To save you from my pain.
To bear the rough.
To form my path and make my way through.

Nothing to stop me,
To bear the rough, to help you.
Thinking, making, helping.
To bear the rough,
To make my way,
For all my friends,
To help,
To make,
To bear the rough,
To make my way.

A place to come from,
A path to take.
My time to bear the rough,

For those I truly care for,
To bear the rough.


Poem I’m writing, after the time I came up with the title, (10.30pm 28/11/17 – when I came up with the title and ‘felt’ the poem). I date it to when it was written completely. While writing later is for convenience as I may not have time in a busy day of work.

Wrote, I’m again feeling better than when I came up with the poem, just was thinking, thinking happily, what care truly means, what love does. To care for yourself, to also care for another. To help another, to carry a burden while they weather the storm, and to hide under their cover, while you weather your storms out. Thinking of someone I care about.

Idea 10.30pm, 28/11/17

Note to self: Most poems are published when written (and title made up). The few tonight are an exception I had made the names of the poems, while feeling them. Now I only need to write the rest and publish:

Memory of a Time
Reluctant Tear
Hate that I Love You, But I do.
To Bear the Rough

Authored Loss

An authored loss.
The finite time.
A inevitable end,
The author to the loss.
Sitting, in bliss.
Knowing it’s to come.

Grasping at every moment,
While it is in the here and now.
For if I blink.
It’ll be gone and missed.
Sorely missed.

My time,
To stop its fade.

An author to the loss.
The loss:
Due to time.

Every precious moment.
Kept and held.

Every small time.
Remembered fondly,
For next, eventually.
Will come the authored loss unto time.

Fighting The Pain

Fighting the pain,
To be stronger,
To pick up my pieces. Fix them.
Move into the light.
As it recedes away.
And on I fight.

Better than I was before.
Trying to keep the fight.
Fight for me.

Fighting the pain as it comes my way.
Winning the fight for me.
As it grasps hold.
I fight.

The demons show their face,
Out of the prison I confined them.
To show me their ugly face.

On I must fight.
I know the cause.
Know the next step.
On I must fight.

A fight for my future,
Fight for my day.
Fight for me.
Tears running down my cheek,
Determination at my sleeve.
Knowing the struggles ahead.
I will win.
As I’m fighting the pain.


Don’t worry, just having a bad night. Overthinking is the cause. Haven’t had one like this in a while.

It’s okay, I’ll fight through. I’m not going back to where I was before. Never again. I’m much stronger.

Slipping Through the Cracks

Slipping through the cracks,
My sorrow kept under control.
Now unleashed into my mind.
My overthinking,
Over and over the waves of pain hits me.

Slipping through the cracks.
A pain.
Hurt.
Trying to forget,
In desperation to ignore the pain.
Thoughts racing,
Mind turning.

The pain, returning for a time.
A long time gone.
Returning yet again.
Emotions running wild.

Trying to gain control,
To gain control,
My thoughts running wild.
Overthinking.
My downfall.

The return,
The focus,
The attempt to not see.
The attempt to forget.

Slipping through the cracks,
The defences of my mind.
A pit of black.

To wait it out till morn.
A rough night to come.
Memories of the pains of my past return.

Knew the day would come.

As all from before.
Comes slipping through the cracks.
For a time.
Before I find the path, again.
My legs to stand on.
Before then, the pain comes.
Slipping through the cracks.

Complicate My Mind

Complicating my mind,
Feelings and thoughts running wild.
Thought of:
Sadness,
Happiness,
Glee
And love.

Oh, how you complicate my mind.
All so simple when you’re around.
A world gone true.
Simplified into one.
All true and nice.

Oh the complicated workings of my mind.

Simplified for a time.

How you complicate my mind.
But make it simple and true.