To Those Who Try To Help

To those who try to help,

Those who continue to believe in me.

I’m sorry.

The path I take, I try to make.

The doors closing on me,

A lost cause.

A hopeless mess,

When I’ve come so far.

All thrown back into my face.

As I try to make my way.

The path I try to plot, to escape the darkness of uncertainty.

I’m sorry.

The path is lost,

The bearings lost too.

Left adrift.

Left losing the will.

Left with loss,

Loss of all, of mind, will and soul.

To those who try to help,

My gratitude is yours,

But I am left adrift at sea,

Drowning in uncertainty.

Without a place to turn.

The mind cannibalising itself,

Worries manifesting,

Uncertainty growing.

I’m sorry.

To all those who try to help.

I’m lost.

And I’m sorry.

Restless Anxiety

Restless anxiety, over the path to taken,
The direction to be found,
The direction to make,

The anxiety surrounding it,

A restlessness,
Unsatisfied to wait,
The urge to do,
One task found, the anxiety continues
The task put down, for another.
Only for the continued anxiety to ensue,
To another change.

The anxiety,
Stopping me from rest,
From reading,
From enjoying the sunlight.

Movement to and fro,
An emptiness of loss,
Loss of path.
Loss of knowing.

Dissatisfaction from the end.

An unsure life that I leave,
The foundation pulled from under me,
Thrown into the dark ocean of uncertainty.

Hurt, left.

Empty and hurting.

Loss of meaning,

Apathy to everything.

An emptiness to consume all.

An emptiness to corrupt all.

Left. In the dark. With and through.

This restless anxiety.

Those Empty Days

Those empty days, empty times,

Looking to those memories,
Good and bad,

Wondering where they’ve gone.
Left without a feeling,
Feeling lost.

These empty days that pass,
That give,
That hurt and leave one wondering.

Leaving one empty,
Sitting and staring,
Thinking and living.
Wondering.

Of those empty days that come.
The welling feeling,
Thinking and hoping,
For the next opportunity,
To feel alive,
To feel meaning,
To feel like a living being,
Rather than an empty object,
A piece of the furniture.

Thinking of those memories,
The good and the bad.
Of the times I felt,
The times, that have gone and past.

Waiting through those empty days,
Where the feeling overwhelms you,
The feeling of lacking just that.
Feeling.

Through these empty days.

Fading Away Gradually

Fading away gradually,

Slipping into nothingness,

A drifting away of consciousness,
Loss of words, thoughts, actions.

Waiting with my memories,
Swirling around from within my head,
A tornado of knives.
Spinning, piercing and cutting.
Spilling all of me, out across the floor.

The cold floor,
The distorted mind,
Blurred eyes,
Every sound intensified, before, blurring.

I fade away, with nothing left,
But the torture of my memories, the remembering.

The questions,
Of what there is to keep,
What there is to do.

Asking myself,
What is there?

Like there is no other option.

The path I was meant to take,
Always was going to take,
Always was directed to taking.

Trying to divert my mind and actions,
But ever-closer towards the inevitable path I go,
Ever-closer to the end of time.
Ever-closer, to my close.

Breathing, while watching this occur,
The mind playing a movie of your life,
A movie of the gradual fading.
The slipping away.

As I fade away gradually.

Pit Of Despair

Left in my pit of despair,

My home away from home.

The place I can call my own.

The prison of my mind.

The rushed desperation.

The hurt and hatred.

Irrational feelings and pain.

The rage and hurt.

This pit I find myself.

The rage and my despair,

The rushing pain.

Throwing me from comfort.

Down into pain and hurt.

Left alone, choking, in my pit of despair. 

Left Alone

Left alone,

That’s how it goes,

First to start,

Last to stop.

Left alone and predicted this,

That’s the way it goes.

The inevitable end.

The continuous path,

Expected and to be expected.

Left down, like a person with nothing left.

And loving it.

The rage and realisation.

The life and the longing.

The buildup and expectations.

The waiting and expectation.

Going on alone, as I know I must go.

The ongoing movement through time.

This onward treading.

The way it goes, and the way it must.

Ready for the shit that comes, as it always will.

No me gusta.

But that is life, the one I live.

The one I’ve been given.

The one I have and have to make.

The way I live, the way I go.

The good turning chaotic,

The way going blank.

The path turning off.

The way fading to black.

Living in the darkness and making it my own.

Owning the life that I lead.

Holding on tight to the war inside my mind.

Facing my firing squad.

Smiling in the face of it all,

In the face of the darkness and the pain.

Spitting in the face of death and darkness.

Making it mine,

Commanding it to my will and presence.

My will, it will become mine.

The path I must take,

Alone and smile.

The lonely road I walk.

To spit in the face of it all.

To face my fate,

To face my demons.

Spit in the face of it all.

The sinner of the world,

Of the darkness and the pain.

The path I walk.

The way I move.

The way I drift back and forth,

Drift off into the darkness,

Into my life eternal,

The eternal pain, ongoing and suffering.

To walk on and out,

Off into darkness.

On and off I go,

Moving on into the night.

Into the life that awaits.

This darkness I delve into,

Fight,

Rage,

Win.

Taking the pain,

Making it my own,

Making it mine.

Holding on in and through the rage.

Loving it with life as my witness.

Cutting the chord.

Stringing myself up in this life.

Loving ever second.

This rage and love,

Happiness and courage.

Weakness and strength.

Left alone, waking to my destination. The noose of the depths of the ocean.

And on I continue, left alone to my inevitable path.

Just Want To Forget.

Just want to forget,

To erase my mind,

To go on living,

As I try to make something of myself,

Get myself out of the dark ocean.

To set sail out into my world of my own.

To forget the darkness of the past,

The times to be forgotten.

To make my escape.

To start anew,

My new self, a new life.

The end of me.

Just wanting to forget, so I can escape.

Just want to forget.

Rather Not

Would rather not.

Rather not remember or know,

Trying to build a facade, to cope, to forget.

To erase from my mind the pain.

To get rid of the feeling, the memories.

To erase a pain, still so raw.

A pain ever-present,
Only merely tucked away,
Only merely hidden and put out of mind.
Only left,
A festering wound,
A corrupting influence.

Ripping into my mind,
Into my soul,
Hurting and pained.

The drops by my side.

The pain and the flinching.

Left out, in the open,

Hurting.

Dying in the open field.

Left. Lying, wounded. Dying.

I would rather not.

A world of keys, codes, my mind and torture.
Another day in the life of my mind.

Another day, waiting, for it to end.

To forget, so I can live.

To erase my mind,
To go on.

I would rather not.

Rather not remember.
Rather not be reminded.
Rather not be hurt.

Claim It All

Claim it all,

The day, along with the darkness of night.

The times once past.

The times gone cold.

The thoughts and the darkness.

Mine to claim, make my own.

To claim it all in the swirling tornado.

As the day shines,
The night coming.
The darkness looming clear.

Thrown off,
Thrown out.
To be made out and found.

As time numbing living makes clear.
The time freezes.
The temperature goes cold.
The night sky lights bright.

Left in a world gone cold,
Gone fake and empty.
Claiming it all,
My piece, my home.

Waiting. Watching. Thinking.

Listening as the birdsong fades.
The feeling sapped,
The questions rage.
The questions of life.

Left thinking.
Claiming them as my own.
My own.

The endless existence.
The wondering.
The night comes.
The emptiness looms,
With no path. No answer.

I claim it all.

As it claims me.