To Those Who Try To Help

To those who try to help,

Those who continue to believe in me.

I’m sorry.

The path I take, I try to make.

The doors closing on me,

A lost cause.

A hopeless mess,

When I’ve come so far.

All thrown back into my face.

As I try to make my way.

The path I try to plot, to escape the darkness of uncertainty.

I’m sorry.

The path is lost,

The bearings lost too.

Left adrift.

Left losing the will.

Left with loss,

Loss of all, of mind, will and soul.

To those who try to help,

My gratitude is yours,

But I am left adrift at sea,

Drowning in uncertainty.

Without a place to turn.

The mind cannibalising itself,

Worries manifesting,

Uncertainty growing.

I’m sorry.

To all those who try to help.

I’m lost.

And I’m sorry.

Those Empty Days

Those empty days, empty times,

Looking to those memories,
Good and bad,

Wondering where they’ve gone.
Left without a feeling,
Feeling lost.

These empty days that pass,
That give,
That hurt and leave one wondering.

Leaving one empty,
Sitting and staring,
Thinking and living.
Wondering.

Of those empty days that come.
The welling feeling,
Thinking and hoping,
For the next opportunity,
To feel alive,
To feel meaning,
To feel like a living being,
Rather than an empty object,
A piece of the furniture.

Thinking of those memories,
The good and the bad.
Of the times I felt,
The times, that have gone and past.

Waiting through those empty days,
Where the feeling overwhelms you,
The feeling of lacking just that.
Feeling.

Through these empty days.

Pit Of Despair

Left in my pit of despair,

My home away from home.

The place I can call my own.

The prison of my mind.

The rushed desperation.

The hurt and hatred.

Irrational feelings and pain.

The rage and hurt.

This pit I find myself.

The rage and my despair,

The rushing pain.

Throwing me from comfort.

Down into pain and hurt.

Left alone, choking, in my pit of despair. 

Left Alone

Left alone,

That’s how it goes,

First to start,

Last to stop.

Left alone and predicted this,

That’s the way it goes.

The inevitable end.

The continuous path,

Expected and to be expected.

Left down, like a person with nothing left.

And loving it.

The rage and realisation.

The life and the longing.

The buildup and expectations.

The waiting and expectation.

Going on alone, as I know I must go.

The ongoing movement through time.

This onward treading.

The way it goes, and the way it must.

Ready for the shit that comes, as it always will.

No me gusta.

But that is life, the one I live.

The one I’ve been given.

The one I have and have to make.

The way I live, the way I go.

The good turning chaotic,

The way going blank.

The path turning off.

The way fading to black.

Living in the darkness and making it my own.

Owning the life that I lead.

Holding on tight to the war inside my mind.

Facing my firing squad.

Smiling in the face of it all,

In the face of the darkness and the pain.

Spitting in the face of death and darkness.

Making it mine,

Commanding it to my will and presence.

My will, it will become mine.

The path I must take,

Alone and smile.

The lonely road I walk.

To spit in the face of it all.

To face my fate,

To face my demons.

Spit in the face of it all.

The sinner of the world,

Of the darkness and the pain.

The path I walk.

The way I move.

The way I drift back and forth,

Drift off into the darkness,

Into my life eternal,

The eternal pain, ongoing and suffering.

To walk on and out,

Off into darkness.

On and off I go,

Moving on into the night.

Into the life that awaits.

This darkness I delve into,

Fight,

Rage,

Win.

Taking the pain,

Making it my own,

Making it mine.

Holding on in and through the rage.

Loving it with life as my witness.

Cutting the chord.

Stringing myself up in this life.

Loving ever second.

This rage and love,

Happiness and courage.

Weakness and strength.

Left alone, waking to my destination. The noose of the depths of the ocean.

And on I continue, left alone to my inevitable path.

Just Want To Forget.

Just want to forget,

To erase my mind,

To go on living,

As I try to make something of myself,

Get myself out of the dark ocean.

To set sail out into my world of my own.

To forget the darkness of the past,

The times to be forgotten.

To make my escape.

To start anew,

My new self, a new life.

The end of me.

Just wanting to forget, so I can escape.

Just want to forget.

Rather Not

Would rather not.

Rather not remember or know,

Trying to build a facade, to cope, to forget.

To erase from my mind the pain.

To get rid of the feeling, the memories.

To erase a pain, still so raw.

A pain ever-present,
Only merely tucked away,
Only merely hidden and put out of mind.
Only left,
A festering wound,
A corrupting influence.

Ripping into my mind,
Into my soul,
Hurting and pained.

The drops by my side.

The pain and the flinching.

Left out, in the open,

Hurting.

Dying in the open field.

Left. Lying, wounded. Dying.

I would rather not.

A world of keys, codes, my mind and torture.
Another day in the life of my mind.

Another day, waiting, for it to end.

To forget, so I can live.

To erase my mind,
To go on.

I would rather not.

Rather not remember.
Rather not be reminded.
Rather not be hurt.

Claim It All

Claim it all,

The day, along with the darkness of night.

The times once past.

The times gone cold.

The thoughts and the darkness.

Mine to claim, make my own.

To claim it all in the swirling tornado.

As the day shines,
The night coming.
The darkness looming clear.

Thrown off,
Thrown out.
To be made out and found.

As time numbing living makes clear.
The time freezes.
The temperature goes cold.
The night sky lights bright.

Left in a world gone cold,
Gone fake and empty.
Claiming it all,
My piece, my home.

Waiting. Watching. Thinking.

Listening as the birdsong fades.
The feeling sapped,
The questions rage.
The questions of life.

Left thinking.
Claiming them as my own.
My own.

The endless existence.
The wondering.
The night comes.
The emptiness looms,
With no path. No answer.

I claim it all.

As it claims me.

Reminder Of Me

A reminder of me,

Who I used to be,

Free eternal, unbound and unchained.

Free-thinking, a spirit in good health.

Loving life for the friends who’ve touched me,

Those who unknowingly saved me.

To those I would do the same.

To save, to walk the ends of the earth for,

Those kind few, who reminded me of me,

Me of who I was,

Me of the worth of living.

The escape from a horrid past,

The needless pain,

To those who confirmed,

Who backed,

Those who supported.

I hold you dear.

Dear to my soul.

Dear to my being.

Those who reminded me of who I am and who I need to be, should be, will be.

Giving My All

Giving my all,

Even as it isn’t enough.

Giving my all,

To help,

To try.

To give an outlet.

To give a friendly face, a friendly embrace.

As it passes and makes a world brighter.

Even if it doesn’t help.

I give my all.

To live for the care,

To live for the friendship,

To live for helping.

To do my all.

To give my all.

All in care.

All in love. Giving my all.

To make another’s better.

To help. To love. To care.

To do all I can,

To give my all.

To make another’s world, even the smallest bit brighter.

To give my all.

To give my best.

To be who I am.

To be true to myself.

Giving my all. To help another better.

To repay the debt paid to me.

To pass it on. To pay it forward.

To make another’s life the smallest bit brighter.

To give my all to another.

To face my demons and win. To help another face theirs.

To live for all.

To give my all.

Love the hardest I can.

Live the best I can.

To try my best.

To give my best.

To try my hardest.

Giving my all. To help another through their demons.

The “Nice”Guy and his Demons.

To win and be better.

To move on, to move past.

To better.

To give my all for others,

Who make my life worth it,

Worth living.

To give my all to those I care.

To make a place.

To give all I can.

Giving all I can.

Little Gift From The Heart

Little gift from the heart,

This little treasure,

Care made tangible,

The little gift from the heart,

Showing me the way,

Showing me the value in being human,

Showing the light, to come from the next day.

Showing care in true form,

Feeling made whole.

The new day,

To shroud out the empty feeling,

Showing me the value of being human.

The value of living,

Through those little gifts from the heart.

The kindness,

The care,

The close friendship,

Knowing someone is there,

Knowing someone cares,

The little gift from the heart.

Funny how a gift from the heart,

Touches the soul.

Embodies a reality worth living.

The treasure to wait for,

The next day to come, to win, to live

And love life,

To love living.

The gift, to encapsulate feeling,

To stretch the mind out of darkness,

Into the light,

Into the beauty of living.

The gift of friendship,

That touches my heart.

Touches my soul.

Brings me to life.

Shows me what I could not see.

Shows me what I’ve missed,

What I stopped seeing,

What I’ve been missing.

The wholeness of being.

Wholeness of feeling,

The kind warm feeling.

The kind and caring friend.

Who writes onto my soul,

A mark of care,

The cherished feeling,

The sight worth seeing,

To life to keep living.

To care for all,

To be there for all.

To be me,

To value this.

To keep the feeling.

To remind me what I’ve missed.

The feeling of being

So much said.

So much to say.

So much,

Embodied,

Encapsulated.

By, through, this little gift from the heart.
Writing this, got a birthday present from my dearest friend. Gone through lots recently, this gift, a gift from the heart, a gift to show the truth. To show me reality. To remind me.

Total gratitude to all my friends, especially my closest friends, whom I will always be there for, will always care for, no matter where I go or however far I drift. The conversations, gifts, even merely hanging out.

These are the biggest and best gifts. The gift of life, the gift to remind how and why life is worth living. Those times where everything works out, where everything works, everything is good.

Being, loving life, loving my friends. Caring for my friends. As they do for me, and never fail to remind me, even if I sometimes find it hard to see. They’re there. All is good.