Awake I Lie

Awake I lie,

Thoughts racing,

Trouble brewing.

The uncertain future.

Perseverance to clear a path,

Draining my life through this troubled storm.

The turbulent seas,

Uncertain paths without any horizon.

Chatting a path through the darkness.

Left without a heading.

Attempt after attempt.

Storms keep bashing my direction into darkness.

Awake a lie,

Thinking of the troubles to come,

Looking for a heading.

Looking for an option.

For a way out.

All direction and certainty lost to the depths.

Lost to the darkness,

The horizon unseen.

Awake I lie,

Pondering these questions,

Without direction.

Without heading.

Looking into the darkness and uncertainty.

Taking a step at a time.

Without heading, without knowing.

Hoping, persevering, to find my way.

To find a path.

All, as I lie awake.

Pit Of Despair

Left in my pit of despair,

My home away from home.

The place I can call my own.

The prison of my mind.

The rushed desperation.

The hurt and hatred.

Irrational feelings and pain.

The rage and hurt.

This pit I find myself.

The rage and my despair,

The rushing pain.

Throwing me from comfort.

Down into pain and hurt.

Left alone, choking, in my pit of despair. 

My Affliction.

Memory of what should be let go.

Hearing that mustn’t be heard.

Senses heightened, for what shouldn’t be known.

To let myself live, in the present. At all.

The affliction of knowing, when one should ignore.

Caring too much as I need to break out.

Break my chains, my mind and spirit.

Break apart all that is held together.

Broken and shattered through my affliction.

Left Alone

Left alone,

That’s how it goes,

First to start,

Last to stop.

Left alone and predicted this,

That’s the way it goes.

The inevitable end.

The continuous path,

Expected and to be expected.

Left down, like a person with nothing left.

And loving it.

The rage and realisation.

The life and the longing.

The buildup and expectations.

The waiting and expectation.

Going on alone, as I know I must go.

The ongoing movement through time.

This onward treading.

The way it goes, and the way it must.

Ready for the shit that comes, as it always will.

No me gusta.

But that is life, the one I live.

The one I’ve been given.

The one I have and have to make.

The way I live, the way I go.

The good turning chaotic,

The way going blank.

The path turning off.

The way fading to black.

Living in the darkness and making it my own.

Owning the life that I lead.

Holding on tight to the war inside my mind.

Facing my firing squad.

Smiling in the face of it all,

In the face of the darkness and the pain.

Spitting in the face of death and darkness.

Making it mine,

Commanding it to my will and presence.

My will, it will become mine.

The path I must take,

Alone and smile.

The lonely road I walk.

To spit in the face of it all.

To face my fate,

To face my demons.

Spit in the face of it all.

The sinner of the world,

Of the darkness and the pain.

The path I walk.

The way I move.

The way I drift back and forth,

Drift off into the darkness,

Into my life eternal,

The eternal pain, ongoing and suffering.

To walk on and out,

Off into darkness.

On and off I go,

Moving on into the night.

Into the life that awaits.

This darkness I delve into,

Fight,

Rage,

Win.

Taking the pain,

Making it my own,

Making it mine.

Holding on in and through the rage.

Loving it with life as my witness.

Cutting the chord.

Stringing myself up in this life.

Loving ever second.

This rage and love,

Happiness and courage.

Weakness and strength.

Left alone, waking to my destination. The noose of the depths of the ocean.

And on I continue, left alone to my inevitable path.

Just Want To Forget.

Just want to forget,

To erase my mind,

To go on living,

As I try to make something of myself,

Get myself out of the dark ocean.

To set sail out into my world of my own.

To forget the darkness of the past,

The times to be forgotten.

To make my escape.

To start anew,

My new self, a new life.

The end of me.

Just wanting to forget, so I can escape.

Just want to forget.

Remembering The Times

Remembering the times,

Those good days,

Always a place in my mind.

The thinking, memories and the times.

Left in the feeling.

Of those good times.

The memories and places once been.

The memories and thoughts,

An ever-present reminder.

Living in the present,

Waiting for the times ahead,

Remembering those good times gone past.

A collection of memories,

A life, all on shown before me, of me.

A pleasant reminder,

Remembering the times.

Reminder Of Me

A reminder of me,

Who I used to be,

Free eternal, unbound and unchained.

Free-thinking, a spirit in good health.

Loving life for the friends who’ve touched me,

Those who unknowingly saved me.

To those I would do the same.

To save, to walk the ends of the earth for,

Those kind few, who reminded me of me,

Me of who I was,

Me of the worth of living.

The escape from a horrid past,

The needless pain,

To those who confirmed,

Who backed,

Those who supported.

I hold you dear.

Dear to my soul.

Dear to my being.

Those who reminded me of who I am and who I need to be, should be, will be.

Monsters Of The Past

Monsters of the past,

Ever-reminder of pain, darkness and corruption.

Darkness lingering,

As I try to escape.

Trying to pull me under.

The shark circling beneath the dark ocean’s depths.

Teetering on the edge,

Looking out into darkness,

That was once behind me,

Trying to come in front of me.

Leave me empty within the darkness.

Not able to rest my head,

For the demons that lie in the depths.

Clamouring for the darkness,

Bubbling beneath the surface,

Festering in the darkness.

Rageing from within the depths.

The Tartarus of being.

The depths of the darkest feeling.

Feeding off turmoil.

Wrecking what is fixed and whole.

The monster of the past.

That dark figure.

Monster of the dark past.

The Tragedy of Remembering

Remembering,

The looks faces and words.

You can forget yet wish to remember.

Nothing compared to the pain of remembering and always wishing to forget.

A mind like a sponge yet wanting to be empty.

Wanting to run dry and lose all that could be retained.

Forgetting is never the problem,

Remembering is always the problem,

In one way or another.

Never forget,

The one who remembers bears the pain,

The one who forgets is spared it,

Discomfort may be found through forgetting,

Yet only pain and torture awaits those who remember.

True friends turned enemy,

The kind words and being slowly soured before your eyes.

The hands at your neck, but never tight enough.

The light still there, wanting to slip into darkness.

The night sky exploding before your eyes.

The screams and scars of the mind.

Content and at home.

Anger giving control.

Who needs remembering when you have passing.

The silent end.

As everything started.

The shouts from within your mind.

What A Shame

What a shame,

My life passing by my eyes,

Mood changing,

Heart aching,

Sick and in pain.

What a shame,

The brain still working and I’m helpless.

Those good times, sour before truly enjoyed,

Aching and in pain.

Burden on all,

Always a drain,

Waiting to float away.

Waiting to stop.

Being a pain.

Hurt, alone and afraid.

With no idea why.

No idea why.

Mood changing fast.

What a shame,

A wasted life on the wider scale.

A wasted drop in an ocean of tears.

The final stage in a mood gone dark.

The corrupting influence gripping.

Slipping, slowly and deeply.

Into the abyss.

A shameful end.

A mood gone sour,

With no inkling why.

The ocean dried up,

Grass all dying.

All gone south.

With no idea why.

All dead inside,

With no idea why.

All gone, effort run out.

Hurting those I care about.

Waiting to stop hurting.

Waiting to stop burdening.

Wanting to let go to free others.

From my dead weight.

My solitude in the depths of my past,

The depths of my mind.