Finding The Way

Finding the way,
The little path to go,
In the middle of the night,

A way to go,
A place to find,
Bit by bit,
Piece by piece.

Of the time,
In the present,
Calm and at peace,
Just being.

Just to find,
To make way,
To try,
So hard to just try.

In the moment,
Fleeting as it passes.
To find.

To be,
In the, in this moment.
To be okay and calm.
Even as looking back into the storm.

To find a place in being,
Uncertainty, still present.
But okay as I go on.


The last few days at work have been okay, hectic but calmer. Been doing photography everyday after work. Has been good. Went to a social for a group I found on Facebook, for photography. It was good, very nervous at first, and the youngest person there after me was 15 years older, felt a little out of place, but also not. It was good.

Feeling calmer. The emptiness I talked about before, still there, normal, but when better, it’s easier to ignore. To live in the moment. Looking forward to my best friend’s birthday.

Stuff is going okay, just okay and at peace.

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Trying To Feel

Trying to feel,
Despite feeling empty inside.
Lost without feeling.

Trying all I can,
All I have in the past,
To find feeling,
But left empty,
Do not know why,
Despite what I try.

Fighting the world’s emptiness,
Raging to try,
Raging to find life.

Trying all I have before,
To find.
To try.

To try and feel,
To try and be.
Left to spiral.

Living by the distraction,
One moment at a time.

But oh well,
Living in the pain of unfeeling.

As I rage and try to make it through.
Living with the peaceful crashing of the waves.
Trying.
Trying all I can.

Feeling so lost,
And unsure, why this is.

One thought brings slight comfort, feeling,
And even this,
Cannot disrupt the emptiness right now.
But I try, I try,
To feel.
To try and see.

The songs that play, of life.
A life, captured in music.
I try.

Even this,
May not be enough,
To cease my mind’s spiral.

But I try.
I have to try.
It’s all I got.

This sad song.
Trying to find,
Trying to see.
To know,
To be.

But I’m left lost.


It’s been a better day, but I still feel empty, lost. Maybe it’s because I still need a recovery period. But I really don’t know.

I really feel I’ve lost something recently, don’t even know what.

Even what I’ve always known could help isn’t working. Did some photography which was nice, but still, empty. Lost. Hurt. Not even knowing. That’s the worst bit. Not knowing. Feeling lost. Feeling a bit was lost.

Before I could write poetry and blow off steam and get back to a recovery, but this time is different and don’t even know how or why.

Memories From The Present

Memories from the present,
Reminders of a past,
So alien,
So full of demons,
Me.

As the times flow past.
Bringing perspective,
Sadness,
Being.

Times stuck.
For others,
As I find myself,
Chained.

Anger, sadness, pain, memories.
Wanting to push away.
So I,
Can slip away unknowingly.
Just to be.
To make what I want.

Having knowingly erased,
Most of my past,
My childhood.
Always remember,
But suppress,
Hide from view,
For myself and others.
The time erased.
The time I have burned from view.

Living in the moment,
With the reminders,
The scars, fresh and old.

Fragile flesh,
Tree rings,
Marking the times,
For the living.
All that’s come and to bring.

All the scars from wars fought,
Wars of the world and mind,
Scars from the battlefield called life.


Spent just under 12 hours asleep. Was kinda peaceful, spent a lot of time not thinking, unconscious. Nightmares concerning work, but only a bit, luckily once asleep, even nightmares seem disjointed and not connected to reality and hence they’re easier to cope with. It’s just the nightmare, and not a long list of memories.

When I finally left the house, just for a cig after a stressful week, a song came on, one I haven’t heard in a while. Reminded me of some times in secondary school, half my lifetime in the past, reminding me, being cheeked, always the unceasing memories. But they weren’t too bad. So far in the past. But always clear, I could take a boat home and go straight to that room even now, half a lifetime in my past.

Feeling calmer, empty but calmer. I probably needed this despite wishing I had done some photography but had no motivation today. Hopefully after a week of 6ams I can do some everyday, hoping the week can get better, even one good day seems like quite the ask so far.

But we’ll see.

Thinking of how far I’ve come, much further than I thought. Much further. Also reminds me of depression in secondary school and my promise to myself that I wouldn’t make it to my 23rd birthday. I can’t believe I’ve made it to 20, not by choice but yeah. We’ll see. Oh well.

Reminds me of my promise to my best friend, that they don’t have to worry about me, I’m existing, not by choice, but unfortunately just stuck, so everyone doesn’t have to worry, apart from me, stuck in existence, but not by choice. But yeah.

Awake for 40 mins and now probably time to go to bed again for work.

Slipping

Slipping as I try.
Try, try, try my all.

Giving all I can.
Just to try.
Fighting the world, crushing down.

But I try.
I tried.
Buckling under the weight.
Buckling as the world forces its true weight.

Feeling a ghost,
Wherever I walk.
Without knowing why.

Everything,
The good of the world,
Feeling like an empty memory,
Even in its presence.

Anger and emptiness,
Fueling my spectral walk.

Through the dark streets, dark fields.
Taking in the moonlit night.
The lights of the city,
Calming,
But still… empty.

The thunder, hail, rain,
Give me peace within its lack.

Empty, emptied out, into the night.
Tired.
Given up.

Lost in the world.
A world so empty and cold.
Lies told.
Creation of a world not my own.
Enough to fool myself,
For but a moment.

Some small peace from being.
And after, the moment is gone.

Staring out into the rain.
Let the rains fall,
Battering against my skin,
So unfeeling.
One where sadness cannot touch me,
Devoid of all feeling.
An uncomfortable state of being.
Giving in.
Letting be.

Giving up the fight so hard.

As the world cries the rain.

Everything fading, before my eyes.
Shivering so cold.

A world.
One where I cannot fight.
Survive.

Dying inside, every second.
Is this life?
Trying to distract the mind?
From the truth.

As I see it all crumbling before my eyes,
Helpless.
I tried.
Failed.

Now to watch the world.
Do what it does.

Laying helpless.

Finally giving up.
This fight after so long.


The picture I took today on a photography trip. An image I like, my phone doesn’t give the beauty justice. Saving up for a camera and intend to try and take it better. Standing on high, it was peaceful, but for a moment.

Just tired, empty. Don’t even know why. I’m not empty when distracted, but even then, is that living? Having to constantly distract yourself? Kind of like going the rest of your life without sleep. Eventually, you will fail. You will fall. You will lose the fight.

At least photography gives me a brief respite. But I truly just can’t.

Trying to Feel Alive, Dying.

Unravelling,
Soul crushing,
Unfeeling with emptiness
Feeling with darkness,
Crushing blow,
A world so faded.
The mind’s eye,
It’s torture.

It’s place,
It’s being,

Trying,
To find a way.

The mind in it’s ever-dark circle.
The flashes,
Life, meaning and the darkness.
A face in the veil,
The shroud of darkness.

The mind’s memory,
It keeps,
Enshrined,
Every mistake, pain and torture.
Lurking behind the cloud.
Just waiting,
Trying,
Piercing.

Blasting music loud,
Into my head,
Trying to drown out,
The thoughts raging, hurting, killing from the inside.

And on into the quiet,
The quiet times,
With the mind, screaming so loud.

Trying to summon rage,
Infinite rage,
To drown out all thoughts,
Before, then I tire out.
Collapsing on the floor.

Mind full of sorrow,
A life empty,
Dying inside,
With each passing day.
Passing. Time.

Wanting, an escape,
But only finding hell,
The confines I find myself.
A destructive sense,
Of emptiness, whole.

Only wanting,
To try,
To be.

Introspective into pain.
Emptiness, whole.

As I try,
The world alight,
Fires swallowing.
Despite, all I’ve tried.

Having to go on,
But quitting inside,
With the moments, as they pass.

The mind ripping itself apart.

The world.
So hard, cold.
As I lie awake.
My mind,
Filling my eyes with tears,
Looking inside,
Feeling,
Dying.
Wanting it to stop.
All of the pain.

Trying and failing.

Empty and hurt in this world so cold,
Constant reminders, pain so great.
Pain with being.
Trying and hurting.

The dying light,
Dying life.

Sick to my stomach,
Hurting all over,
It all reminding. Piercing my soul.
Having tried.
Trying.
Hurting.
Feeling.

The sad song, of life.

Trying.
But broken inside.
The sad songs we hear, live, and feel.

Head fallig below the dark-water-line.
Wanting, hoping for it to stop.
Only wanting to live, and try.
To strive, but tired.

And I stop. Wait. Exist. And think.

Lost in a sea of memories,
Thinking on and on,
Over and over,
And it never stops.

Everytime, every scar, every memory.
Building to a sad whole.
The only answer to forget.
But that. I cannot.
I cannot.

Left existing.

Writing my only escape,
Embracing the pain.
Waiting and hoping,
But. Too tired to hope.

So I exist.

Trying, as I tire out.

Everything fading.

So I exist.

The many times,
Lying awake,
Thinking, hurting.
I remember them all.
Scars etched into my mind.

Breaking me down.
Piece by piece,
They all shatter.
They all shatter.
I shatter.

But I must stop somewhere.

So I exist.


Feeling tortured, always in the mind.

Living in my mind, the thing that comes closest to describing it is the punishment of Prometheus, chained to a rock, to have a giant bird peck and eat his liver, only for it to recover overnight and to happen all over again the next day.

Everything, the mind, thinking, can’t be bothered to do anything, just existing is too much effort.

It’s the mind more than anything, swirling thoughts, no peace, just reliving, unable to ignore or get away from. Just remembering. Hurting. Wanting it to stop. Wanting my mind to stop.

My mind, a prison.
Always,
Not understanding.
Painful.
Horrible.

Autism sucks.
It’s a prison you can never escape from.
Trying, in vain as life passes.

Trying, a world throwing all it has.
It gets too hard.

My life, can be summed up.
By; always trying, always failing.

Everything, misunderstanding, pain, hurt.

With my studies I had a goal, always trying so hard, but always failing. Haven’t had a grade I’ve been pleased with in my whole schooling life.
Moving country even, it was a trial, is a trial, taking a more difficult road. But I tried. I tried.

Not even knowing anymore really.

Everything people say,
Hurting,
Everything I do,
Hurting.
But I tried. All I could do.
And the world reminds, it means nothing.

Looking back on life, memories of all, and it just hurts.

Every moment, memory, shining like a dark star.
Many, leading up to Uni and difficult times to even attend, times during, many, and many times in childhood. And a memory flashes before me. Sitting under my diningroom table, as a kid, must’ve been like 6, hurting, and biting so hard down on my hand till drawing blood. Just to feel. Funny, this, this dying life.

Just want to write, write and write. All the incoherent thoughts. A few hours and I’m still not done. But have to end somewhere.

I’ve gotten so far, and yet, still, nothing.

I really, really, really don’t want to stop writing. It’s the only thing I can right now. But no.

Path To Be Seen

There It is,
The path that is to be seen,
Amongst the unknown,
I can find.
I can be.

Not knowing my path,
Finding a knowing,
One that sets me free.

Seeing the world,
Seeing its normalcy,
Content,
Being and to be set free.

A path seen,
Amongst its lack of clarity.
The place found.

Finding and set free.
Set free by the casual.

Finding to be.

As the world,
Rings out.
Its confusion,
Trying to find a path,
Make a trek,
Finding,
A path,
To find,
To be,
Me.

Let it all.
Just be.
Letting it ring past.

Amongst the calm night.
It is, let be.
As I, let it be.


It’s been a good day, did a lot of photography, sorted plans for more and plans for doing my own independent research and as one of my lecturers suggested, sending a revised and added-to essay I wrote for them to a journal. Don’t have enough time, but as always I’ll make time. Also my best friend, we chatted a little today, and I’m looking forward to spending their birthday with them!

Just wrote a comment on my favourite photographer nearby’s social media.

My true aim is, to capture beauty in normalcy. Not having to go somewhere exotic or far away, you can find beauty, inspiration and pristine bliss wherever you are. You just have to look. Even if it is hard, you just have to let your mind look.

The World As It Goes

The world as it goes,
The times and flow.

Memories of old.

As it all flows,
Empty,
Turning to dust,
As I walk on through the desert.

Cold with the touch of night.
Only to walk on,
Being me,
True.

Knowing the path,
Walking it,
Only in the being.
For,
The time being.

A path,
Laid out years in advance,
Boredom from the knowing,
Seeing before seen.
Always,
This overthinking.

Now in being,
Trying,
And making.

A world,
Boring to the mind’s touch,
Everything, so bland.

Anything to try,
Keep occupied.

In the manufactured loss.


Been an okay day, lots of photography, thinking of my best friend tbh, who I owe so much to. But also just generally pondering.

Words To The Feeling

Of it all,
Pondering,
Pain,

A world so real and full of it all,

To feel,
Be,
Validated, without intention,
Making, what was real,
More so,
A burden lifted.

Helped through the time,
To keep,
Defiance by my name.

To hold truth,
To rage and be,
To understand and feel,
Allow the pain to be real,
To heal over,
Make true.

To be.

To allow,
To heal,
Defiantly,
To rage into the pain of life.
To remember the strife,
Caused.
Broke me,
To allow me to see.

Thank you,
With all my gratitude.

Bringing forth a flame to burn bright.
Letting me see, see and see again.

There are none.
No words to express.
Words to the feeling.


Hung out with my best friend I haven’t seen in ages. They apologised for not being able to meet up, not making time. Truth is I avoided it. Needed to sort stuff out. Finally got to see them and feeling a world better.

One thing I said, they thanked me, for putting the words to the feeling, something they didn’t know how to put. And hearing that lit me up inside. Happy to help, understand and be understood. Helped to validate pain I felt without seeking, needing or wanting it.

Amazing day, work was hectic but got stuff done, felt a bit bad at work, just my mind, always trying my best and never being good enough as I want, even if others don’t think that. I do, always wanting to be better. Then seeing my friend was amazing in the silliest and mundane things but was amazing. Seeing another friend in the evening.

Feeling good and things are lifting up.

Still There

Still there,
A reminder of those times,
A time of life,
Remembering those memories,
As the feelings of euphoria have faded into time,
Fades but remembering the bliss,
In such a silly, casual moment,

Memories,
Even from afar,
Small moments,
Of abnormal normalcy,
Sweet,
Reminders,
Message goodnight,
Up late chatting,
Remembered in the time.

Hoping for the best,
A time of life,
Times being,
Yet not pretending,
Even with nervousness.

The beauty of the landscape,
The night sky before me.
As the day comes yet again.

The pull of beauty in the landscape,
A reminder,
Finding,
Losing oneself in it all.

In it all,
Worth another step,
The journey on.

Still there,
In those memories and reminders,
A future brighter,
Casual normalcy,

Moments lost,
In a new place,
Brought to,
By beauty,
And the time.
Of all those times,
The moments.

Uplifting and life-bringing.
Letting me be,

In casual normality,
I write, I capture,
Content.

Sweet Reminder

Sweet reminders,
Reminders of plans,
Times forgotten,

Easy to forget in the flow of the world,
But to remember,
To remember,
A time ahead,
To look forward to,
Time behind,
To remember.

Thoughts all in place and calmed,
To live and remember,
Through a sweet reminder.


Writing this, thinking back on last night, a sweet friend messaged me out of nowhere and we got to chatting, about all sorts and making more ideas about stuff to do together when they come and visit. It was nice and to be honest brightened up my night. Chatting about all sorts.