The Day My Life Changed

The day,
Unexpected,
Unusual.

Sharing in a normal day,
Losing track of all the time.
One thing to the next,
The ebbs and flows of the river.
The beauty of a simple time,
Simple,
Open,
Freeing.

A beautiful day,
The one that changed.
It changed me.
In little to no time.

A sweet time.
As the sun shines,
The birds sing and the world seems brighter.

So nice,
Casual living,
Living and being.
Being… in the moment and free.

So thankful, for the beautiful time,
The time, the day that changed me.


Feeling amazing, everything is good, everything is perfect. Met a friend, for a casual day taking photos on Tuesday, then we chatted so much instead of any photos. Later met at a bar which again was amazing. Chatting for like 4 hours. Met them everyday since but one for like a week. Thursday, we met up for a house party before going out clubbing. So much. So good. Friday she met me after I finished work, we met up for some food, and then chilled on some grass chatting and playing around before staying over at their’s. Saturday we chilled for a bit before getting ready for a DnB night out, such an amazing night. So amazing. So amazing. And even today, Sunday, I met them before their shift to see them, chat as they didn’t feel well, and it was all cool.

This week,
Has honestly been the best one ever.
Nothing bad has happened. Longest time without anxiety, without any negative feelings, maybe the occasional, but then remembering this week, what’s happened, it just makes the negative feelings just float away. They care, and I care about them more than anyone else. It’s amazing.

Everything’s just pure, casual, amazing and being is perfect.

The Simple Moment

The simple moment,
A simple time,
All laid, on the table,
Casual conversation through it all.

From nothing into being,
Casual time, after casual time.

This simple moment,
Simple, beautiful, but still so simple.
A casual being,
But made into perfection,
Through its simple nature.

Reminiscent,
Of how, you can see the world in a sunset,
On a cliff edge,
A seascape or a mountaintop.
Simple moments in time,
Simple moments of location,
Seeing purity from simplicity.
Such a casual-perfect endeavour.

When, you look, back-round.
A realisation hits of this perfection,
Nerves come around,
Kindness, unsual but found.
A simple time, able to show,
A true self buried deep.
Aspects ignored for being alone,
But now not?

These times, moments, so simple,
Yet also so perfect that it confounds my mind.
My brain, understanding the dichotomy,
While also not.
Like a puzzle when solved, but continues to pose questions.

A perfect night,
Casual night,
A mutual goodbye-hello.
From a time been waiting for ages,
While concurrently new and out-of-the-blue.

With so many chances,
Chance on chance on chance,
Making this night,
Line up,
Making us light up.

From the laughs and smiles,
The night’s remembered.
From everything and the feeling.
The night’s cherished.

From everything,
The feeling, simplicity and humanity.
The night’s legacy.

All from but a simple moment,
A night in,
Meal,
Conversation,
Between two nerds.

Uncapturable simplicity,
Uncapturable significance
Uncapturable perfection.
Cherished in all its meaning.

Goodbye or not. The moment lives on,
A reminder of goodness,
Of all that can.

This perfect, simple moment.


Writing this, trying to capture, the feeling, thoughts, seeing my friend yesterday, for our movie night with cooked dinner and Ben & Jerry’s chats of the past, goals, achievements, dreams and so much more.

Honestly, it was so casual, so, I guess ‘nothing’ but was a perfect night. A perfect night, being able to be myself, be nerdy, chatted Pokemon, something I hadn’t really talked about in ages. Their clear nerdy but cute capability to name them all, and know all things anime. Such a simple moment. One I wished I could capture, but know before writing this that I cannot. But that, I guess, is part of the beauty, as my friend in America says, (paraphrasing/ my interpretation) that beauty comes from the fleeting moment, its being in the moment. What I wrote last night, I felt drunk, very, but totally sober, drunk on life, happy with everything, ecstatic.

Now more calm, collected but still ecstatically happy. My mind running clearer again.

Song to Close

The song to close,
Small sadness, from it’s ever-gaze.
The song plays on,
Playing on to fade,
As the world fades,
To black.

Reminders, in their time, their place.
The mind,
Living in its wonder,
It’s saddened place.
The mixed times.
Of all this and may come.

The worries of the mind,
Broken, raging and making.
Of all the rage,
Pain and happiness through my heart.

Holding and making it all.
Raging against the life taking it all.
To stand tall,
Shout out,
Make it all.
And throw it out.

This song,
Playing to the close,
The feelings, thoughts and meaning.
A screaming rage out into the oblivion of the world.
Making it shake,
Holding it to account,
Making its infliction on me take note.

This song,
A final song to close.
Raging to make whole,
Make count,
Take notice.

The pain of living,
Life with its happiness,
Pain always there.
An experiencial, existential pain.

Taken and held to make my own.
Ripped out of me,
This song to close,
To take note,
To show,
The pain of the mind,
Its ever-screaming pain,
Only to be silenced,
In time,
To be.

My song to close.


Writing this, good, mixed, thinking, worried, thinking. Pondering. Looking forward to a date, seeing a close friend, fearful about work, my studies and the future. Uncertain and thinking until it pains me, but then I just try to focus.

Thinking of seeing my close friend, other close friends, but still the worries about the future plague me. And with this, pains from the past also flood back. My mind, wanting to rage, to shout and make count. To hold, let no one mistake, the pain inflicted. Don’t ignore the pain inflicted on another. A scar to be held, on your soul. For the hurt on another.

Life judges, the worst people will go down, their terrible natures found, for all to see.

It’s funny this mood, a great day, with my family, at a graduation, but still. Lots of things flooding back, the optimism shown today, my mind is skeptical from my experience of life recently. Thinking, painful, but thinking anyway.

For It All

For it all,
The beautiful song in the dark,
Light in the blackest of nights.

The life, left in the moment,
The poetry of time.
Life singing through all this time.

The speaking of the moment,
The life and the living,
Moments not yet spoken,
Moments in the balance,
Waiting, being.

Wanting to be better,
To show my colours shine.
To embody my world,
And make it all worthwhile.

Trying,
Beauty,
The life to be lived and held.
A world in the making.

Always limited in the meaning,
The being,
Making of it all.

The delicate times,
Moments shared and made,
Thinking of it all,
The uncertain path ahead,
The hurt of the goodbye,
Hoping it is but for a time.

To bring, and make this time mine.

A time to shines.
To make it mine.


Writing this, thinking of my friend I’m meeting up with again, thinking about lots, the past another friend reminded me of. Lots to think of, the messages we send and make, the times we hung out. All amazing. Making me better, wanting to be better. Making me want to stretch and encompass the world.

Been talking also to my American friend, thinking, hoping that all I could do, could make them feel, even a little better. They truly deserve it. I can do nothing, but will do my all, give my all, and make it count.

Ode To The Lost

Ode to the lost,
In time the scars heal over,
Paths find their way,
Their end,
And their shine.

Oh how it feels,
Perfect in time,
To make it all perfect.

An ode to the lost in time,
To find a way, It’ll come.
Feeling a world’s stride away,
Until found at the end of the long path.

The beauty to be found,
In a simple smile,
Kind heart,
Small deed.

Of it all.
To be found in time.
To be found,
In self,
By another,
In a world so dark,
To turn it light.
To just find the light.
Ellusive,
Until met.

Greeted with open hands and heart.
An ode to the lost.
In time to be found.
Only a step away.

For all the lost,
To find the beauty of the emergence.
The wondrous beauty of perfection,
To be found.
In that perfect feeling,
That perfect time.

For this time,
An ode to the lost in time.


Writing this feeling good, an amazing shift with amazing people in all my job. Making me love it throughout it all, still worried about the future but knowing I can make it work. Thinking of that amazing friend I’m seeing for a movie night and haven’t seen for ages and have missed. Thinking of my American friend how I really know you can make it past all the dark times to find that shine! Feeling the demons finally subsiding, as they have before. But feeling better, more closure and knowing I am me and no reason to apologise for that, haters gonna hate and all that haha. The demons subsiding. Allowing me to shine through.

Taken Aback

Taken aback,
A chance occurrence,
From nowhere, it finds me,
After I had given up,
It shows me,
Nothingness isn’t the state of the world as it is.
Nothingness is a state of loss,
Of a person harmed,

Ever-trying, never to let go,
To fight back the the dark embrace,
This is it.
This is the light.

Taken aback, after I lost myself,
Let go of the light,
Lost.
Those times,
Occur, leaving me taken aback.
By the reality occurring.
By the time that happens.

Taken aback, as colour flows back into the world.
As warmth fills my gone-empty heart.

Oh how I’m taken aback,
From this state of emptiness,
Loss, of the world.
A loss, to the world.

But in such the briefest encounter,
Briefest words in such a temporary time,
I feel,
There is more.

There is a warmth,
That once again I can feel.

Feeling of Being

Feeling of being,
Trapped, yet also free.
A mind always raging,
In hundreds of places and times,
Simultaneously.

The body stuck in place,
Lacking arms to feel,
Legs to move,
Voice to speak.
Existence, limited to eyes to see, but never speak.
Existence, limited to a brain to think, think, always to think.
Possibility left to inactuality,
A reality not able to cope. So limited.

Feelings pass, pondering changes, shifts.
Never stops.
From place to place, phases of the moon.
The constriction never does,
Getting used to the constriction, to calm the mind,
To incapacitate the mind from it’s ponderings.
A process of life,
Of living.
Of thinking, while living.

The feeling of being,
Being with feeling.


This may sound like a sad poem, not at all, thinking about Asbergers. It’s seen as a lesser Autism, and in some ways I totally agree, it’s less visible. But also that can be a problem. Like a person without legs, arms, voice, hearing. One able to only see, think and limited to the confines of the mind. A reality never able to live up to the endless possibility.

Talking reduced to a, self-confining, to be a sense of ‘normality’ or otherwise a closing off. A closing off, because, everything else, just isn’t enough. Yet other times it is. It’s, as with everything difficult to say.

Probably the easiest way I can describe, most people can relate to busy, excited times where so many thoughts are running through your head, you start one, and another and another on to 10+ ideas, but finish none. You’re mouth cannot keep up, like doing 4 projects at the same time, bouncing off one to another, each feeding into the others.

Instead of this being a project or a time, or a short burst of speed-working.
Imagine, this all the time. From working in the library, bagging groceries, cooking rice at home, playing video games, watching videos or films, at work. Almost doing everything apart from sleep (and that is only because I am not conscious when I sleep, when lucid dreaming it’s also like the aforementioned).

It’s difficult. It’s not ‘hard-work’ always working. It’s just, my head. Things popping into, being reconfigured and re-perceived.

At Peace

At peace,
Troubled mind, set straight.
A long road to travel,
But one I must.
One I want.

Feeling,
At peace.
Knowing where I can.
The path to take,
A way opens up.
Trouble still stands,
But I am ready,
Hesitant yet determined. At peace.

To try, to travel.
To be…
At peace.

Others,
Seeing their plights,
Relating,
Feeling, empathy.

Waiting, feeling, thinking.
The rarity of peace,
Peace of mind, peace of life.

Another step to be taken.
Another time to try.
Another,
Another,
Always another.

Time to try.
Time to be.
At peace.


Feeling good, have had such a terrible week. Feeling better, feeling okay. Thanks to everyone, all my friends, people online and everyone.

Everyone has their ups and downs. Humans have a strong ability for empathy.
Something which I believe can overcome all.
Empathy, all the problems of the world could be solved by.

Empathy, and at peace.

Have so much to look forward to, times with friends, badminton and times, working together to finish my work. All. All worth it. It’s just those times when lost. It’s hard to find peace. Thanks, thank you MusicGirl for all the help you’ve offered. Even if I was blind to trying to help myself.

Little Gift

Little gift.
Small act,
A kindness, pure, simple and nice.

A time,
Sweet moment,
Something good but not fake.
Something. Nothing. Everything.

A little gift given.
A moment of kindness,
Many moments,

The little gift of day,
Little gift of the morning shine.
Of the walk in the midst of summer.
With the birds singing,
The flowers in bloom.

The world ready and opening.

When the world shows a little gift for the world.

 


The best people, people who care, people who need nothing but a sweet moment. I remember a time like this, only a few. A friend, got her a small ‘present’, not really a present, but a box of tea she loves and got me into. I did it as she was busy working and wanted to avoid her having to leave to go out and get more, so I got some for her.

I did this. She cooked me and others dinners every night we we split money for ingredients and alcohol together. The part of my best summer, summer 2017. She did it, I felt bad, but she had no problem with it and loved doing it. She invited me round once, for the first time to the meal. A kind gift, without anything, probably meant nothing.

Be There

To be there,
A simple reality,
Simple comfort.

My name,
Always a message away.
Always a call away.
Never far,
When you need me most.

Being there,
What I do,
What I try.
To show the light,
As I’ve been through my own dark.

One,
Always to try and help,
Not letting any friend,
Face the dark alone,
Always there,
How far you need.
I’ll.
Be there.
For you.

Celebrating your victories.
Urging you on, in your defeats, only temporary.

To be there.
Always being there.
A pledge for myself and to you.
To.
To be there.