Withdrawn

Withdrawn,
The mind, tired of hiding behind ignorance.
Only to see,
Only to embrace,
What is never to be seen.

Horrors of the past laid out bare.
A collection. Thinking.
And I think.

Down a dark corridor,
No light to be seen.
Thought to be new,
Until I realise,
This is how,
It’s always been,
But not wanted to be.
So I chose not to see.

To turn my eye.

And try to try.

And I see it all.
Laid out.
No matter.
How I try.

Thinking.
Wondering.

A path,
I tried not to see.

Bit worried, saw my best friend after ages, felt a little out of it. Been pondering recent anxieties. It was awesome and I loved it. Can’t help wondering if I upset them. They probably would never tell me if I did. But I do.

Thinking of experience, paths, future. Thinking.

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Disappointed

Just disappointed,
With what thrown my way.

Unable, to take a step back.
Unable to forward.
Left.

Just wishing

Wanting. Just empty. Wishing. Just left.
Empty.

Nothing to turn to.
Every way I think leads in emptiness.

It all.
Just cannot.


Just disappointed. In myself. In people. All people. Hope leads only to disappointment.

I starved myself in my first year of Uni. Even went into a store to feel less hungry, eating food through my eyes. All my degree never got what I wanted. Anxiety and all. All only to afford my degree. Only barely. Everything. First time I really second guess my decision to move. Move. I don’t want to go home. Left with nothing. I can’t be bothered. The new year. Hasn’t started well. I guess it’s never started well for me. My worst days are others’ amazing ones. All I can do is drink and just drink.

All the pain, struggle, for nothing. All to show for it, a façade. A pretence for others.

I just give up. Just wish my body would let me. Depression is always. Anxiety is always. I just try not to notice it. Just try not to think about it.

Just had a plan, a party to spend New Year’s, was effectively cancelled as soon as I left for it, drinking on the beach alone, couldn’t be bothered to stay 30 mins for fireworks. Regret going out. Regret not staying for fireworks. Regret not going home for the holidays, would regret staying home for New Year’s Eve. I have one wish since I was 12 and it’s always been out of reach. But I wish. Staying for reasons not your own. Chained, but not being what you want.

Just so tired

Just so tired,
Of the emotions,
A rollercoaster that throws me off balance,

Even when good, emotions kill me.
And when not, darkness consumes.

Just so tired of feeling,
Emotions,
Exhaustion with thinking.
Leaving me collapse,
For the thinking,
Leaves me exhausted.

Wanting rest,
From something I can’t escape,
My mind, the overthinking, people.
All contributing,
Not that I know how.
Left with an uncertainty of feeling, of being.

Never knowing what is true.
Living day by day,
Ignoring what can’t be ignored.
Trying when failing.
As living, is fighting, fighting against living.
Living a life where the mind,
It is pain. Just pain.
I seek an escape,
But none never lasts,
And here I find myself again.

Just thinking,
Questioning,
Myself more than anything.
And in pain, with every moment thinking.

As living, is fighting, fighting against living.
Living a life where the mind,
It is pain. Just pain.
I seek an escape,
But none never lasts.


Had been good the last few days, this morning was a bit mixed, thinking, overthinking and being sick of being. But feeling okay, immersing myself in photography even if not doing any today as I was too tired.

Just mixed. With these problems seems the only answer is to not think of them, as Rick from my favourite tv show says. Unfortunately not sure if I’ll be allowed.

Beauty In The Feeling

In this feeling,
Present in the moment,
A shining light,
Beauty, in the feeling,
The sad and happiness,
Beauty in being, in feeling.
Being swallowed whole,
Its individuality, collective experience,
A world experienced,
World on show,
World felt and getting to know.

An experience,
A memory,
The pain, hurt,
All just to make,
To share, feel and see.

Just to hold on.

As the world shines,
Radiant even when alone,
World as it shines.

Making it whole,
Making its worth.

As it goes,
To feel,
Experience,
A beauty in the feeling.


Writing this, feeling mixed, weird. Been watching a lot of YouTube videos about photography of all types and what I want to get more into. It’s been really weird, totally alone for Christmas, weird, but surprisingly okay, but also weird. Just feels like another day. I know it is only just another day, it’s people and societal constructions that make it ‘special’.

What’s got me amazingly happy, mixed and feeling, thinking, thinking of photography, my photography and philosophy of my photography; to capture a moment, it’s feeling, sight, memory and warmth. Just reminds me, the thing that made this Christmas really good, quite sad haha, the friend I wrote my last poem about, messaged me at like 3am on Christmas Day (time zone difference) and yeah, haha, were the first and probably only person really to wish me a happy Christmas and we chatted for a bit. Haha, feeling a little crazed happy, feeling, feeling and thinking.

Which leads me back to thinking of photography. Just the feeling it can produce. Thinking of my photography trip, seeing people together and some alone, kind people and showing kindness to random people I met, feeling of experience, being, a commonality of experience of humanity while also individuality. As humans, all problems and toils, individual as they may be, somewhat cathartic knowing you’re not the only one going through anything. Something I’ve been trying to help family members understand, somewhat validates and provides some small beauty, comfort, against the pain.

So mixed but happy, and deeply pondering I get distracted when writing. Will spend a while tonight deep in pondering.

The picture is one of my favourites, taken by chance, the person got in the way of the shot I wanted, but makes it infinitely better, and I’m so glad. This is the proof, to the beauty of being, feeling, capturing and also beauty in moments of pain. Even if it never feels like it at the time. Collective experience, being, individuality. But I guess I need to finalise this post or I could write for hours.

To Try and Show

To try,
To show,
Fighting a world, that’s fighting me.
Fightin to try,
Fighting to help,
To try and show,
Exhausting, with everything,
And having to take this burden,
To just plod through the fields,
To help,
To try and help,
As I see,
Such pain others hide.
Breaks me inside.
Always has broken me.

So I try,
Try to see,
Try to feel,
Try to show,
And it breaks me.

But I try.
Try to help,
To show kindness, care.

All the pains,
As the sight in a daily grind,
A glimpse I see,
One I ponder daily,
Just to see,
And I wonder.
Sad at not being able,
Able to help,
But wanting to try,
But knowing how,
Or if.

And so.
I see and on it goes.

All and all,
Collapsing around me,
And I just watch,
Trying,
But only left watching,
As it all comes to nought,
As I try.

Trying to help yourself,
Can bring the darkness.

And I try.
Try to show,
And fought every step of the way.

Left with nothing else to try,
To rip apart my mind,
To try and show,
Try and care,
To help.

Just.
Just to try.

Cannibalising my mind, my life,
For another purpose,
To help.

But it rips me apart.
But I’m left with no choice,

To try, to show,
To fail, and try again.
I want to try,
But it’s getting harder and harder,
The uphill struggle.

Even now I don’t want to.
The feeling hurts,
I really don’t want to.

But if I have to.
If I have to. I will.
Just to try and help.

So I will.
I’ll try,
I’ll hurt.
And hurt again after.
All just to try, to show.


Writing this, had felt happy today, kinda still do, but feeling sad. Thinking. My dad’s in a rut, so is my mum. Both separated but in their ruts. I have my own stuff to deal with but I have to try and help. I help this person I barely know in America, been chatting for months I think by now? Trying to help, be kind, let them talk and confide in me. Just to try to help.

I know I don’t like talking about personal stuff to anyone but a couple of close friends. But I may have to force myself uncomfortably so to try, or at least just to try to help my dad. Maybe it will, maybe it wont, maybe it’ll only make things worse. I never have liked seeing people in pain, have been accustomed to, seem very sensitive to this overall from past memories of this and my diagnosis corroborates this.

Really hate the situation I’m gonna have to put myself in, but will do so and try to block it out of mind. Just so I can help, or try.

But really don’t know what more I can do.

Mum’s stubborn and I give help and advice and she ignores or just puts off any hope for improving things even as I try to make things into small steps to help someone to take. My dad, well, I just don’t know how to help and things just seem to be getting worse. Or maybe this is all just in my head, but I really do not know. But I’m pretty sure it isn’t.

Some friends have even said, try to help but then you have to stop to keep yourself going. That is something I’ve never been good at. Ever since I was a kid. I remember in school an uncomfortable thought from my psychology teacher who was a psychologist in a prison, he said, “there are just some people you just can’t help” and I wrestled with this idea for at least months continually after that. And still to this day apparently. I know the statement is logically true, I know my friend was right, that I can’t try to fix my parents’ problems to my own detriment or against my own life, but I don’t really see a choice. It’s the last card I have.

I don’t know, it’ll be rough. It’ll be rough on me, having to put myself into an uncomfortable place, worse that many others in the past. But I just guess I have to try, just to help. Oh well.

Conflicted Mind

Conflicted,
I stand,
Set out,
Choices,
Collapsing under the weight,
I try to carry,
With no prompt but my own.

Blame I place upon me,
To hold me true,
To force me,
This pains me,
But I must.
I try.
Overthinking,
Painful,
Tearing apart inside.

No one does this to me,
For I do it alone,
But it always hurts inside,
Thinking, thinking.
Mind conflicted,
Into the night my mind must go.

And leave a question unanswered,
Wondering where to go.


Writing this, thinking, spent an amazing time with my dad, but also very worried, nervous and conflicted. I can’t go back home to live but know my dad may feel alone. Maybe. I can’t go home for Christmas and don’t mind this for myself but do for my dad. I don’t know. I worry. For most things I don’t care about myself, I can cope, make do, survive, but I care more about others. And it conflicts me totally. Always feeling my choice is always wrong.

Dad’s going through a rough time, and I feel helpless, I try, I worry. I can’t do anything. This compiles with my own worries, anxieties and then there is my diagnosis. I really try. I really do. Being hurts, it is worth it, but is painful.

Light, For The Setting of the Dark

Light,
As it comes,
For the setting of the night,
The darkest skies,
Lit up, before my eyes.

Opened wide,
Radiance and kindness alike.

Remembering,
Feeling,

A beauty of the world.
Through its radiant shine,

Remembering the bright,
It all,
In place,
Flowing into the night.
Mixed thoughts,
Memories kept.
Reminding, remembering.

Never to forget.

As for, the light,
Remembering the times,
With the light flowing, into the night.


Writing this, spent a relaxing night, watching my favourite tv show, The Walking Dead, was an emotional rollercoaster. Now thinking, of a dear friend haha. Also did more photography today, not much, wasn’t good weather, but a little.

Without Help

Without help,
From a feeling,
One I cannot understand,
Cannot see.

The feeling of not,
Having another in place,
Without cause.

But not knowing,
Being helpless to forces, feelings, external.

Just wondering why,
Why,
Just the feeling,
The time,
Time in contradiction,
To what is seen,
From what is felt,
Experience different, from appraisal.

Oh how is it so confused.
Trying to understand.

Waiting, trying, thinking,
On and on.
Trying to see,
Desperately.


Cannot Help, had a good day, great celebrating my best friend’s birthday with her, shopping for presents for her. Has been awesome, hanging out with friends, celebrating. But for some reason, feeling mixed, not knowing why and hating this very fact. I do not even know why.

Despite how this sounds, not feeling bad, just a little mixed and not knowing why and not wanting to.

Walking Away From Pain

Watching, walking,
Walking away from pain,
Looking at what is horrible in people,
Seeing, despite how hard I try.
Sometimes people are just horrible.

A hard fact to swallow,
As I hope for,
What I cannot see.
A pained song,
I listen to and watch.
See their pain,
I tried,
When noone else did.
To help,
To try to see, help,
But now I walk away.
Uncaring.

It’s one of those things,
When the hurt, hurt.
A lack of care,
Kindness,
In all those times.

Something I never wanted to do,
To walk from another’s pain.
A lesson to learn, and learn again.
People being horrible,
Some have a call, a call for help.
But no matter the try.
Some have taken this hurt,
As their mantle, as their creed,
As their infliction.

For some,
The need to walk away,
To turn a blind eye to suffering,
Trying, had tried,
Wasted my time trying to help.
Believing in goodness, kindness,
Only to see it absent.
Something I didn’t want to believe.

I,
Trying in place,
Having to own,
The failure to help,
A failure through the trying.

Riping.
Your self from self,
To fill,
Yourself, witj anger and pain.
To watch it all burn.

Knowing,
You’ve tried.
All you could.
As you turn away,
Watching it burn from behind.

Walking away from pain,
Letting them wallow,
Knowing you tried,
But were pushed away,
While asked not to go.

Pain is yours,
And yours to keep.
No more will I try,
No more will I vicariously pain,
Trying to help.

The hardest choice to make.
To leave another,
To the fires, flames and pain.

Walking away from pain,
Letting them, get consumed by flames.
As I walk, turn, Knowing I tried.
A choice I’ve fought at every turn,
But now must give in.


Thinking, angry, been an alright day, mixed, but thinking of humanity, how it’s so horrid, hurtful. Thinking of a recent hurtful person. Also of how everyone thinks, how is everyone often so content with leaving another? Letting them to pain. General gossip I hear, reminds me of this all the time. But I kind of get it now. Myself having to realise that some people are just horrid with no way around it.

A hard thought to process as, there’s no benefit to being hurtful, being a dickhead. But. I shouldn’t feel bad for leaving those kinds of people, to wallow in pain, the depths of their hell.

Just thinking of all those nights, staying up, even before work early just to make sure my friend was okay, chatting, letting them vent, trying to help, trying to be kind. And then yeah, kindness offered in life is rarely returned.

So I shouldn’t feel bad, angry maybe, but not sad for leaving them to pain. Not hurt, for wanting to help, not gonna hurt just to help. People don’t care and don’t deserve the same. Some people just need to be left to rip their own world apart. I give up trying to help.

Memories From The Present

Memories from the present,
Reminders of a past,
So alien,
So full of demons,
Me.

As the times flow past.
Bringing perspective,
Sadness,
Being.

Times stuck.
For others,
As I find myself,
Chained.

Anger, sadness, pain, memories.
Wanting to push away.
So I,
Can slip away unknowingly.
Just to be.
To make what I want.

Having knowingly erased,
Most of my past,
My childhood.
Always remember,
But suppress,
Hide from view,
For myself and others.
The time erased.
The time I have burned from view.

Living in the moment,
With the reminders,
The scars, fresh and old.

Fragile flesh,
Tree rings,
Marking the times,
For the living.
All that’s come and to bring.

All the scars from wars fought,
Wars of the world and mind,
Scars from the battlefield called life.


Spent just under 12 hours asleep. Was kinda peaceful, spent a lot of time not thinking, unconscious. Nightmares concerning work, but only a bit, luckily once asleep, even nightmares seem disjointed and not connected to reality and hence they’re easier to cope with. It’s just the nightmare, and not a long list of memories.

When I finally left the house, just for a cig after a stressful week, a song came on, one I haven’t heard in a while. Reminded me of some times in secondary school, half my lifetime in the past, reminding me, being cheeked, always the unceasing memories. But they weren’t too bad. So far in the past. But always clear, I could take a boat home and go straight to that room even now, half a lifetime in my past.

Feeling calmer, empty but calmer. I probably needed this despite wishing I had done some photography but had no motivation today. Hopefully after a week of 6ams I can do some everyday, hoping the week can get better, even one good day seems like quite the ask so far.

But we’ll see.

Thinking of how far I’ve come, much further than I thought. Much further. Also reminds me of depression in secondary school and my promise to myself that I wouldn’t make it to my 23rd birthday. I can’t believe I’ve made it to 20, not by choice but yeah. We’ll see. Oh well.

Reminds me of my promise to my best friend, that they don’t have to worry about me, I’m existing, not by choice, but unfortunately just stuck, so everyone doesn’t have to worry, apart from me, stuck in existence, but not by choice. But yeah.

Awake for 40 mins and now probably time to go to bed again for work.