Anger for a Lie

The lies you shared,
Refusing me the dignity of being,
Leaving me in torture,
Under your foot.
Broken and controlled.

Only others showed me your lies,
Gave me decency on your behalf when you refused.
Showed me basic human respect when you denied me.

Thrown off my chains,
Tearing my self out,
Out of the hurtful lies,
The bad situation.
The wrecked mind I had to piece back.

You, the orchestrator of my demons’ symphony.


Thinking of the past, how someone treated me, something I tried to forget. But stuff is happening like the same as before.

Finished writing later, not feeling so bad, a walk home, time to think, space, some good news and errands has put me in a better mood.

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Cutting Myself Off

Cutting myself off,
Misunderstood, left in the unknown,
Unable to help those I care about.
Left out of the picture.

Patterns repeat,
Pain comes again.
Being warned away,
But not taking heed.
Needing to cut off.
To save myself.
Needing to cut off,
To protect, to help, to live.

I do not want to,
Cut away the feeling.
But it may save me,
By killing a major part.

A decision of me,
Decision of mine.
One I do not want.
Cannot take.

Funny,
How some things change.
How most others stay the same.


Feeling quite sad, sad I cannot help, that they do not know. The latter is for the best, but brings me great pain.

Considering legitimately, now, the first time in a long time. To cut myself off.

They have a friend, do not need me. I’m only the help for work, company or motivation.

I can do all those things for myself, but not worth doing it for another, if it only brings pain. But that’s the hard part.

It doesn’t only bring pain, but brings something so worth it, the feeling, that it makes the pain worth it.

I know this feeling, may be overthinking. But even then, one truth I know, my overthinking, is usually right, is the truth, but one I do not want to come to terms with. I need to. I have to.

Seems like it’s decision time for me. One I will make tonight, one way, or another.

Slipping Through the Cracks

Slipping through the cracks,
My sorrow kept under control.
Now unleashed into my mind.
My overthinking,
Over and over the waves of pain hits me.

Slipping through the cracks.
A pain.
Hurt.
Trying to forget,
In desperation to ignore the pain.
Thoughts racing,
Mind turning.

The pain, returning for a time.
A long time gone.
Returning yet again.
Emotions running wild.

Trying to gain control,
To gain control,
My thoughts running wild.
Overthinking.
My downfall.

The return,
The focus,
The attempt to not see.
The attempt to forget.

Slipping through the cracks,
The defences of my mind.
A pit of black.

To wait it out till morn.
A rough night to come.
Memories of the pains of my past return.

Knew the day would come.

As all from before.
Comes slipping through the cracks.
For a time.
Before I find the path, again.
My legs to stand on.
Before then, the pain comes.
Slipping through the cracks.

Illusion of Feelings

Living,
In my illusion of feelings.
Feeling itself not illusory,
The potentiality.

Strained,
Until I can’t pretend,
To myself,
That I don’t care.

Unable to chase away,
The feelings,
That warm me inside,
Light a fire in my soul.
Yet may leave me blind and lost.

The illusion of feelings.
Slowly,
It slips past your notice.
Until the feelings grasp at your heart.
Encircle your mind.
Keep you warm.
Until, the time of choice.

The time of choice,
Constrict or free.
To tear your heart from mind,
Or to leave you in bliss unknown.

By my side.
Quiet, pretty.
Friendly,
Warm.

The figure of feeling,
Somewhat there and not.
An illusion unknown until the choice.
The collapse of the superposition.

To continue,
To be decided.
The warmth, addictive as it is mysterious.

An illusion I follow,
For now.
An illusion I like,
Until it pains me.

This illusion of feeling I follow,
Illusion I value.
The hope the illusion gives me.
Meaning. Hope. Feeling

Unfeeling Pain

The unfeeling.
The pain that comes.
“Not good enough”.

The pain that comes,
Always from the meeting,
Bliss amazing,
But shrouded in pain.
Pain from the past.

Pain I wished I could shed.
Hardening myself.
From pain.
From the hurt.

My only response.
Unfeeling in my pain.
To cope.

Trying.
Trying so hard it breaks me.
Hurts me.
Wish I could be better.

The only response I know is unfeeling of the pain.
The unfeeling in the face of great pain.
Pain and wanting to be better.
But constantly hurt.

Only unfeeling in the face of pain.
This unfeeling pain.

Finding Me

Finding me,
The figure standing in the pass,
The dark path ahead to navigate.

The stormy seas within my mind,
Sadness drowned out by the walk.
My path, my aim.
My only way out.

Loss, a familiar friend.
Of everything.
Friends of a time.
People I have to let go.
Others I escape.

The passing,
Moving,
On.
Into the darkness.

Upset at the lonely path I walk.

But walking with an aim in mind.

Wishing for company,
But for now I walk.

The lonely figure in the midst of night,
The star-speckled night sky.

People massing,
Time flowing.
Thoughts remaining.

An linear oblivion.

An existential pathway.

Finding me on this path.
Alone, wanting company.

But for now I go on.
Finding me.

Betrayal of a True Friend.

Betrayal of a true friend.
The pain of trust,
The pain being shown up.
Of all being said not trustworthy.

An aching heart,
Aching head,
Trying to continue on.

Cutting off,
The betrayal.
There comes a time,
To cut off what hurts.

When the infection spreads.
Remove the limb.
Even if the cost is great.

The cost is already too late.
For my mind,
Unable to trust,
When they lie,
Strategise and mislead,
In the guise of my best interests.

It’s in fact,
A mere betrayal of a true friend.

Looking Away

The times spent, looking away.
To save myself from trouble.
To keep on, believing the lie.

I look away to save face,
To save my heart.

Looking at the memories,
And turning my back.
Sad and reluctant.

Unable to think.

Knowing I have to look away.

Conflicted.
Having to look away.
To cut off and hate
To end my thoughts.

Looking away.

How To Break From – Part 1: The Break

The break.
To turn the mind against itself,
To make constant pain for itself.
To break oneself again, and again.
Any feeling to be broken down and apart.

To story of breaking from.

To see them.
The mind fills with pain.
The hands shake uncontrollably,
With heart beating fast,
Almost bursting out your chest.
Having to turn away and run.
The mind plagued for a time after.
The memory,
You apply the pain to yourself.
Until it’s what you’re used to.

Living in pain.
Until it’s all you know.
A daily torment of the mind.
Eventually, it becomes you.
The ever-pain.
Going through life like a ghost.
Wanting to move on.

All the pain.
From your own hand,
Your own making.
To break from.
Allow a movement away.

Turning a good memory, toxic,
A kindness, harsh,
The fun, a form of torment.
An architect of my mind,
Turning it all against me.
Left alone, a demon in the dark.
Clawing out,
Clawing in.

Until the feeling stops.
Not only one,
All.

 


For my friend on Moodtrack. Who is looking for a way to get past, looking for a way to break from.

This is how I did.

It works, but it takes its toll.

It’s a method, I wouldn’t recommend to anyone, hence I haven’t mentioned it to you if you’re reading this.

Truthfully, it’s like death.
To escape death.
A death of the mind, but continuation of the body.
Feeling an empty vessel.
Devoid of all emotions.
Left a wasteland,
As I had torched my mind.
Of the memory,
Of it all.

It’s not all totally depressing. There’s a second part, first is the wrecking, tearing yourself apart from within the mind. Turning everything sour and dark. But after, in my experience, a rarity, but happens by chance. If you leave a path for someone else to walk. To take a peak, to reach in and, give you light. So you can climb out yourself.

Written 30/Oct/2017 1:30pm UTC – Unsure when I’ll publish this.

Beyond Heart’s Mention

The good times,
The fun ones.
Beyond heart’s mention.
Of the heart and of mind.
Hoping you never read this.

I try to go back.
Always hurts the same.

You,
One who helps,
One who listens,
Always kind.
Even if kept from my mind.

Always there,
If ever you need.

Never to be your burden.
For my mere problem.

I would love,
To back to where we were.

I’m there.
Always to call,
Always to listen.
Though I may have to keep my distance.

Know yourself,
Your strength.
The path you will forge.

The times once past.
Lost into time.
Remembered always.
Through the end.

Always, in memory.
In the depth of goodbye.

Just you escape.
Go on,
As you will.

I believe and hope.
Better without me there.

Just you, who needs to believe.
Forge your path,
Tearing apart the rough.
To forge it through.
Till your will.

To forge our paths,
Without question.

Beyond my mention.
My say.
With great reluctance.

Words from the soul.
Disappear with the awakening of the mind.
To make it easier.

In the end.

It’s beyond heart’s mention.


My drunkest poem recently, my most heartfelt,

Hoping for the best, even if I’m not there.

Drunkest but heartfelt and sincere.

Nine Inch Nail’s “Hurt”, my inspiration.