Sight-Sudden Panic

Sight-sudden panic,
The sensory input,
The shock,
Mind going thin,
As it all swirls,
Total loss of control.
All is blocked but the panic.

The sudden urges,
Urge to find a solution,
Then to escape.

To jump out the window,
off the boat, into the road.

Panic that kills,
Even a retrospective mind can’t calm,
It can see, but cannot calm,
Can rationalise, but cannot convince.
Stimulus playing and raging,
Again and again,
In my own head,
A shard in my mind,
One that pierces again and again,
Without an end.

Terrible torture from being,
Where a lack of consciousness can escape.

Always looking for the escape.

Hoping only for an escape,
Anything for an escape,
I’ve tried all sorts,
Only to escape,
Purpose, drugs, feelings and experiences, and nothingness.
To numb the mind down.
With few successes,
But they are found, they come at their costs,
Come with their own demons.

Leaving me,
Without an option,
Only to forward what I don’t want to do.
To live, know, feel.
All gone,
Wanting to rip my brain apart,
To take my mind and stamp it out.
Just to stop.
All of which brings torture.

If I must settle a debt with life,
Just take it all,
To settle and get out.
Deeds, costs, worths.


Been a slightly better day, but was exhausted getting home and fell asleep, when I actually needed to go grocery shopping, or photography (to make better use of a slightly better day) or going somewhere new. Didn’t do anything but sleep. Woke up to be slightly sad at this fact, got a lot of tasks done. And now, finishing some tasks a memory, image, realisation, has got me panicking, sinking and falling. It’s hard to explain the feeling of panic, like tunnel vision, within both sight and mind, the mind starts talking, the world blocked out and yeah.

With the recent panic, got me thinking, what my inital thought after my sleep after work, I woke up but wanted more sleep and eventually coaxed myself awake. Why I did, wanting an escape from consciousness. Much like me back in secondary school, at least I had the one thing to wake up to, school and my GCSEs and all other times I slept. It’s painful, as the panic sets in again, repeating over, over, and over again in my mind on repeat. Like a sadistic game.

The more I write, seeing the stimulus to my panic again and again, it taints the whole day, writing this poem, like painting while the colours change within the same stroke.

Was thinking just now, there was something that really made me happy today, I just remembered, having birthday celebrations with some close friends, belated celebrations, some messaged me about it. So looking forward! But. the panic has set in. Even now, I tear up, feeling panic, torture, completely on edge and happy. All at the same time. Heart beating hard. To try to describe, like feeling hungry and full, at peace and in pain, overwhelmed and relaxed all at the same time. It’s just so much, but as always the panic always overrides. Even as I know the cause of this panic, may be offset by why I’m happy.

Doesn’t mind, logic cannot win, the mind will crush itself, I guess like it’s used to doing. Until I get tired and give up.

I know the only way to feel better, but know its a lie I cannot take. So I relegate myself to truthful torture than an illusory happiness. Such is life.

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Panic Turns

Panic turns,

A day, a future, nothing,
Worry of changes happening,
The mind claustrophobic,
Worried running amok,
Feeling claustrophobic and wanting an escape.

Running and running in the mind,
Panicking and wanting to escape.
Nothing helping,
The mind running and running over and over.

In my skin,
Panicking bit by bit,
Wondering, thinking.
Everything.
All thoughts, at once,
Like 100 minds in one,
At the same time and in conflict.

Bursting forth from my mind.
Where it hurts,
Worries, worries and panic.
My head wanting to rip free.
To tear out.
To escape panic,
Heart beating fast, breathing heavy.

Just so,
So many thoughts in mind,
Causing great panic,
Without reason.
Panic, just panic without reason,
Sudden and severe, wanting to tear my brain out.

Just all the thoughts.


Panicked. Don’t know. Sudden. Trying to sleep but thinking. So I can’t. I may try to go out and do photography if I can’t get some sleep. Just panicked. Hating this. Thinking about so much. So many things and just panicking.

Darkest of Paths

Darkest of paths,
Mind brought to breaking.
Deepseated poison in my veins.

The panic hits.
Breathing and thinking raging, racing.
Heart hurting.
Mind racing across all thoughts.
Pain, deep pain.
Within me, it devastates.

Needing.
Needing to escape.
Journeying out from my house, looking for an escape.
From the panic,
The dread.
All of a sudden this panic set in.
2am and its all set upon me.

Clamouring outside,
Waiting, looking for,
I do not know.
Needing fresh air,
Claustrophobic in the outside breeze.

My biggest fear,
A welcome relief if it would rid me of the pain.
Make a deal with the devil to lessen this feeling.

Never escaping this,
The panic,
My sleepless soul,
Haunted.
Looking for a way.

And out I’ve gone.

The walk, sea-breeze, never helping to calm my panicked mind.

Only left,
Hoping it will subside.


Today’s been a really terrible day. Everything. Everything. Panicking at many many moments. Everything, when your chest seizes up, your mind is screaming. Your heart is pounding that it hurts and leaves you breathless. Heart pounding all the time. Everything just hurts. And the mind just keeps going. Keeps giving me sensory information when I just want it to stop. To give me some respite. I need a break.

Mind’s Outspin

Spinning,
The mind in tired panic,
In tired overdrive.

The mind tired of spinning.
Panicked darting,
Trying to calm the panicked spirit inside.
Flesh weak for the mind’s resolve.

Tired of spinning,
Feet tied in place.
Trying to run.
This will pass,
In time.
For the meantime,
Waiting, trying to calm,
The mind’s outspin.

Its raging torrent.
A storm of all proportion.
All-consuming.
Raging against the self,
To throw the mind to one side.

Violently raging,
To find the light.
One that came and left.

Raging to find.
To piece together.
To calm, collect and rage into light.

Desperation great,
To look, to find the place.
Finding, looking, trying.

To claim this place,
The calm pond,
The place to find once more.
To be and make.

In this mind’s outspin.


Just tired, trying, tired of the mind spinning.

Panicked Horror

Mind turning,

The horror,
Sudden,
Heart beating,
Heavy breathing,
A feeling,
Such,
The emptiness and panic,
Mind running and I cannot stop.
Panic.
Panic.
Panic.

No escape,
Nowhere to hide.
Please,
I need help,
A sudden fit of panic.
Hoping to fall asleep, away into dreams.
To escape a surreal state of thinking panic.

This.
Panic in the time.
All to try.


Don’t know what’s happening, stayed up late, suddenly frightened, panicking, mind rushing, thoughts empty and also full. Panicking right now.

My heart hurting, finding it hard to breathe, in my mind I feel an emergency, like calling an ambulance, but I’m trapped, alone in my head and can’t get out or talk to anyone.

Feeling like death right now and panicking, mind running, everything painful or empty.

Can’t go to sleep, need to, need to escape my mind, so frightened and panicked and really don’t know why.

Raw Panic

Heart beating,
Barely breathing.
Vision blurred.
Mind running itself into the ground.
Every way I turn,
Mind breaking,
Doors slamming.

My life,
Crushed,
Barely,
Withered.
Mind in raw panic.

Death crawling inside.
Mind in circles.
Sapping.
Crushing.
Hurting.

A raw panic, the mind’s end.
Mind crazed.
Hurt and afraid.
Unknown.

Raw panic,
One moment nowhere,
The next being no escape.
So.
All-encompassing.
Raw panic.

All around,
Raw panic.
Trying to crawl out,
Raw panic.


Very panicked. Going out now and hope that helps a bit, but even then it’s already contributing to the panic, the problem.

Mind swirling, has been for an hour.

But my choice is clear, some decisions to be made.

My best friend would kill me if they knew.

Panic makes you hurt, scared, worried about something you weren’t a moment before.

Moment of panic

A moment of panic,
The realisation.
Paralysed,
Vision, gone to a tunnel.
Down a spiral, a moment of fright.
From the realisation that I hoped would not come.

Memory gone to blank.
A moment of panic.
Breathing hard.
Moment blank.
Heart falling heavy.

And on the fall.
On the drop.
Falling for a moment.

Lost and falling.
The moment all-consuming.

Only for but a moment.
A moment. Of panic.


Writing this after a brief but intense moment of panic. My breathing raced, heart beat out of my chest, my vision constricted to a tunnel.

Like opening Pandora’s box and finding unexpected shock. Something to destabilise me.

I have had an amazing day and this one thing threatens to bring be down to a lowest, but I’m fighting back, at least for the day to be over, ended on a happy note.

This thing’s just broken me, but I don’t know if it’s irrational, or not. Enough of this though, only one way to find out where this goes.

So glad this realisation happened on a good day. An absolutely fucking brilliant day. I’m determined to see past it and go on happy. Don’t know about tomorrow.

How To Break From – Part 1: The Break

The break.
To turn the mind against itself,
To make constant pain for itself.
To break oneself again, and again.
Any feeling to be broken down and apart.

To story of breaking from.

To see them.
The mind fills with pain.
The hands shake uncontrollably,
With heart beating fast,
Almost bursting out your chest.
Having to turn away and run.
The mind plagued for a time after.
The memory,
You apply the pain to yourself.
Until it’s what you’re used to.

Living in pain.
Until it’s all you know.
A daily torment of the mind.
Eventually, it becomes you.
The ever-pain.
Going through life like a ghost.
Wanting to move on.

All the pain.
From your own hand,
Your own making.
To break from.
Allow a movement away.

Turning a good memory, toxic,
A kindness, harsh,
The fun, a form of torment.
An architect of my mind,
Turning it all against me.
Left alone, a demon in the dark.
Clawing out,
Clawing in.

Until the feeling stops.
Not only one,
All.

 


For my friend on Moodtrack. Who is looking for a way to get past, looking for a way to break from.

This is how I did.

It works, but it takes its toll.

It’s a method, I wouldn’t recommend to anyone, hence I haven’t mentioned it to you if you’re reading this.

Truthfully, it’s like death.
To escape death.
A death of the mind, but continuation of the body.
Feeling an empty vessel.
Devoid of all emotions.
Left a wasteland,
As I had torched my mind.
Of the memory,
Of it all.

It’s not all totally depressing. There’s a second part, first is the wrecking, tearing yourself apart from within the mind. Turning everything sour and dark. But after, in my experience, a rarity, but happens by chance. If you leave a path for someone else to walk. To take a peak, to reach in and, give you light. So you can climb out yourself.

Written 30/Oct/2017 1:30pm UTC – Unsure when I’ll publish this.

Panic

My story and fear,

Confusion surrounding,

Worry all about,

My blood runs cold,

Heartbeat irregular.

Mind dropping.

Stomach turning

My pain returns,

The old friend,

Familiar face I once knew.

Always reliable,

Never wanted.

Heart beating out of my chest,

Mind racing,

Cigarette craving.

The desire for escape.

Unstopping, jerky and in pain.

My stomach, a dark pit.

I fall into the depths of my mind.

Darkness all-consuming,

Pain surrounding.

Strength weakened.

The panic floods back to me.

I am left here in darkness.

Awoken from a dream into a nightmare.

My panic returns. After a long absence.

I… I… I can’t take it.