The Silence Of Life

The silence of life, of the night.
The beauty of a brief glimpse of time.
Glimpse of the time.
Of all those times,
Reminders.
All that glimpse.

As the night comes in,
Silence falls over,
The darkness, the calm.
As the life flows.
Time slows,
Time grows on.

And here I sit,
Wondering,
Sitting, in time,
In time, again.
In time.

Life flows by.
And I, a witness.
To watch it flow.
To be there, in the time.

As the sounds of the sea just flows,
Exists in their own time.
And life, flows past.
A confusing jumble,
A path that goes.

As the sea is calm.
No ripples in sight.
The reflection of the moon,
A reflection on life,
On all those times.

A reflection,
An embodiment,
Those times,
Flow by, and fade.
But I, am still here.
I continue,
To sit here and witness.

I witness and sit,
Being in place.

Being in place.

Sitting and watching the world go by.
In the calm, the peace and solitude of night.

Watching the lights of the world,
Continue in time.
And I,
Sit here,
To witness,
A mark left,
Upon a moment in time.

Sitting, reflecting,
Pondering and being in time.
I am here.
In time I continue.

I am to witness.

As it all fades,
As it all continues again.

And I am here to witness.

Remembering, upon a time.
Sitting in that same spot.
Remembering, upon a time.
As the time, fades, into time.
I remember, I keep.
As it fades,
In spite of it fading.

Remembering,
All the times that passed.

As I sit in place.

And continue.

As all time flows by.
Feeling sad? Not feeling anything? Feeling calm?
I cannot tell.

But at peace.
In being in the finite space of time,
As the world revolves.

As time is moving in its place.
And I just can’t help, but watch,
Continue, to feel, and be.

But I sit here,
On this once upon a time spot.
And chill,
Watching as times flows, like these sea waves gently come and go.
As the sky paints it’s art through light.
As the city lights paint their own in response.
And I just continue,
Watching the dance,
Between the moon and sky; and the city of lights.

And then the thought comes back.
Thinking of that, once upon a time.
I remember clearly.
Calm and in the moment,
Present and past.

Seeing the day,
The time,
And its pass.

Watching, and wondering.
As goes,
This story of life.
Watching, life.
Flow, pass, before the moon’s light.

Forever changed,
In so many ways in this life.
In all so many ways.

And I sit, continue, watch and see.
Seeing life.
Seeing, the time.
Giving me life,
In this time.

As I watch, and see,
In this time.

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Make That Scar Fade

I stand here,
In face of it all.
Standing to make that scar fade.

Journeying forth,
Seeing the struggles of the past.
Seeing the pain caused.
Not to repeat the same mistake.
Not to let the past pain haunt,
To let the past pain keep me in chains.

Seeing the trauma,
Creeping its way into a new life,
To corrupt through fear, worry and scarring.

Finally, finding something,
Someone that sees,
Someone that understands my scars.
As they have many of their own.

They have been there,
Understanding through it all,
As my brain’s been on meltdown.

Letting the past scars and trauma consume me with worry.
Corrupting me into who I was lost in before.
Taking everything from me.
Losing my own perspective in world.

But I try to stand.
Shut the scars out.
To make a stand.
To accept this new time for what it is,
For a new era.
An era not defined by my scarred past.
By the pain felt before.

Trying to control,
My mind fearful of the repeat of my death. And so it shuns,
It leaves. It runs to hide.

I know it’s different,
Not malicious or hurtful,
Not aimed or ripping.
This. This is new. This is care.
A confusing life yes,
But it’s new. It’s care. Apologies for a new confusing life.
And this I can cope with.
We are all scarred in all so many of our own ways.
Humanity’s shared collective,
Shared scars, even if different.
We have all fought all our own battles,
Some have been through, some have been through different.
But understanding through those collective scars. Collective experience.

I will be better.
I was shown,
Shown my thinking.
Shown the hole my brain put me in.
To protect me from the past.
But it’s all past.

The scars,
I thought had healed,
What was done to me,
The wound exploded open before my eyes,
And I didn’t see.
I failed to see.

But open to my friends,
This second time around.
Open to life.
To see and heal.
To keep this would shut.
Final and once and for all.

I have found,
I have seen.
I will now bow down.
I shall rage and rage.
Into the darkness,
Till I turn it light.

Holding on.
To shut the scars, the wounds inflicted,
So deep beneath the skin,
Carved into the mind.
Deeper than I could see.

But thankful,
People saw and helped.
Thankful,
For this person, who’s changed my
life.
No matter what may come.
Allowed me to see, grow,
Suffer hardship, and grow stronger.
To see in many ways I did not.
To live a life, so different from my past,
To see, to open my eyes,
To a new perspective.


Been going through a really rough two weeks, if not probably longer, sorting stuff out in my head. Said goodbye to someone I care about deeply. More than anyone else to be honest. It’s been rougher than anything else. Saying goodbye, yet I try to check up on her to make sure she’s okay, all too often. But when I do, I realise there’s nothing I can do, we’re not talking.

Talking to a mutual friend they gave great life experience and advice, I showed myself without seeing until I explained and then did see how the past scars still held me, even when I thought they had closed. They hadn’t. The deep-rooted fears and anxieties and traumas.

Causing me to wreck everything rather than risk going there again. And only causing more damage in an attempt to avoid it.

So I’m changing everything. Being healthier in so many aspects, healing my mind bit by bit, changing my thinking, trying to be better. An uphill battle. But trying anyway. It’s getting easier, calmer, less painful, but also maybe less feeling. I don’t know if that’s good. But if not, I’ll sort that out too. Doing this all for me, so I hope I can be there for them. As I care, been through similar scars that they are going through, and care about nothing else, than to just be there to help them through it, even if it’s just to chat shit and distract them.

A Sign, Unexpected

A sign unexpected,
Beyond any expectation,
Beyond any glimmer of comprehension.

A sign, showing me truth, showing me care,
Showing me confidence.
But also, showing me my scars,
My wounds, I had thought healed,
Opened and festering.
Without care I hoped to close,
To ignore.
That it had disappeared.
It hadn’t.
Just resided until again.

The pain still raw, still real.

It’s showed me.
The need to close,
To heal,
To end the chapter.
To cease its pain.
So a scar left will just be that.
A sign, a reminder, of the past.

It’s showed me.

It’s truly showed me.

From this sign, unexpected.
From a place unknown.

A message never expected.

A truth to be known.
A truth I didn’t see.
But now see clear.

I still, with this sign,
Know what to do,
But not the way.

I can only guess,
And truth my heart and mind.
To let go of the pain,
To let go of fear,
To see and to trust.
To rebuild,
To remedy.
To be kinder to myself,
For I’m here trying after all my struggles. After all the pain and scarring.

To find and cope.
To make whole again how I had been shattered, so long ago.
Yet the cracks remain fractured wide.

I will try.
I will try.

The first step was sight,
To see the pain still beneath,
The scars still left open.

Hopefully I can get peace,
After those scars are closed.
Hopefully I can find,
Be ready to find what was lost,
When I do this.


A happier poem has been long overdue, this is happy-sad, writing this way too late before work tomorrow but I have to for me and my mental health.

It’s happy and sad, happy for finding, happy for being and seeing, sad for losing, but happy for the hope of it getting better and maybe getting back what I regret to have lost. But needed to for getting back on track and a new perspective.

I aim to write a blogpost on another blog I have about hardship and how it should be embraced and learnt from for its forging elements. But will do that another time, hopefully tomorrow unlike I planned to today.

I haven’t added an image to a post in a long time. But this one deserves one. I was going to look at the site I usually went to. But was looking for a meaningful one. But. It hit me. There was only one image. The image that changed me, the time that changed me, the sunset I can never and would never want to forget. The one that started this life- and mind-changing journey. Started the confidence, the care, the pain, hardship and growth. It started it all.

Let The Soul Adrift

Just to let.
The soul adrift.
Adrift in time,
In place and being.
Just to let it be.
Let it wallow in pain,
To break it down,
And out the rubbyle, build anew.

To break and feel every pain.
To let it feel,
To let it hurt.

To let it fester,
A reminder.
Of the pain.
From every scar.
Every time.
To let your soul suffer,
To let it die,
Over and over, before your very eyes.
To let it break and die.

To let it rage in its death throes.
Another death, another time.
To watch your soul die.
To watch it rage.
Ti watch it slip away.
Into a sea of nothingness.

It’s just another time.
Just another time to die.

Just another time.
Just another life thrown away,
Just as I was learning to live.

But just as with the others,
Just another, time to die.
Just another.

So used to the feeling,
A death worse than death.
Another time felt.
But am I used to it by now?

Another time.
Yet another time.
To feel gone through.

Done Hiding

Done hiding,
Hiding from my past,
My feelings,
My torture.

It drains too much from me.
Kills me inside.
Living a falsehood, a lie.

But I cannot lie no more.
Not even if I wanted to.

I am done.
In every such way.
Done with the hiding,
Done with the pretence.

Done with all the fucking shit.
Everyone with a problem can go check themselves,
Check their fucking minds and lives.
I will not hide mine no more.

I am done.

I’m gonna be me and how I have to be.
Cannot cope with any other alternative anymore.
Not anymore.


Writing this, thinking, I’m tired, tired of hiding myself under a lie I tell everyone else. Tired. If admitting to mental health stuff loses friends then they’re not worthwhile people in my life. I don’t care anymore. 13 years all living a lie, to myself and everyone else. It’s just too tiring now. Hence I wrote a blogpost on a different site for my photography and my mental health.

I had it fully written for a week before posting it to my FB. And the idea I put off writing about for months. Because I was afraid of people thinking “well that guy’s fucked up” or “this isn’t the guy we knew”. Know it might not have been, but it was the truth of me. I was reluctant to write and post this.

Especially seeing people write about mental health openly and feeling trapped and caged so I couldn’t.

I’m just too tired for any of the pretence now, with my mental health I barely have any energy for anything else, without also having to construct a human that’s doing fine on top of all of that.

Imagine the energy to simulate a human functioning fully and positively on a computer. That’s been my brain for 2 years, the real me and a pretend for others to see.

I Hope

I hope,
Things get better,
Just better for us,
As the drift and fade may take.

But. I just hope.
Hope more than I can.
Hope to the whole world.
Hope,
Even as I’ll miss all the times.

Missing those such good times.
Times that’s shaped me,
Forever.

All I can,
Is hope and try.
But never forget.
How you shaped me.

Gave me hope, kindness,
That I never had.
I’ll never forget.
Can never forget this.

I never want to,
Forget the lessons shown.

Giving me such light to my soul.

Such light and hope.

I wish you every kindness,
That the world can offer.
I wish it all to find you.

I’m sorry.
That the path made was this one in end.
But not the journey, strength, hope.

A path I’m glad I found. You.
I’m glad.
You’ll never see this,
My gratitude.
The positive impact.
The hope and kindness.

But I hope the message reaches your soul.

As you’ve shown life to mine I cannot describe.


Writing this, happy-sad. Thinking, the way my life’s been changed. Been changed all for the best. Everyone working out their own things, their own journey, mine included. And despite how things appear. Mine’s been changed for the better. Purely for the better, even if I may not see it at times or many times. A special place in my heart for these times, a special place truly.

Scared to Lose

Scared to lose.
Myself,
The feeling,
Feeling in general.
But it’s started.

All empty in place.
Hollow and dead.
In a world passing.
I am unfeeling.
Feeling death.

Trying to grasp to life,
Any feeling to feel alive.

Nothing working.
Everything tried.

But no answer in sight.
No answer given,
I try and try.
I can’t believe.
Life can crush me so.

Only wanting to rage,
To shake life till reality feels.
Shake with my emotions.
To assert I’m alive.
Assert I can be.

But I cannot.
I do not know.
Now anymore.
Anything at all.

I have lost.
Waiting for death.
As I cannot feel anymore anyway.

Nothing I like feels anymore.

So should I break? What is already broken.
Break my mind and soul.
Crush it all as I die.
Rage and protest life.

Letting the fire breathe me into rage. Hate. Because at least I can feel.

Feel rage like I’ve hidden from.
So many years ago.
That decision to value kindness,
Rather than pain.
But look where it’s gotten me.

Pain after pain after pain,
Losing everything,
Losing myself,
Losing every feeling.

So why should I?
I should crush it all.
Break myself,
Until no one can break it anymore.
Broken to dust.
That’s not life.
But that’s all I can get.

But I do not wish for any of it.

But then.

I remember,
Clear as day.
The reason for this pain.
The care,
What I had to give.
What I did.
Feeling alive.
That is all worth it.
It’s worth incarnate.
But was it all a lie?
I do not know.

I do not want to ask the question,
Do not want to remember but also fear forgetting.

My mind cannot decide.
To crush myself for the present,
Or to live only in the past.

Calling Out

Calling out.
Out to the world,
That’s left me so cold.

Gave a glimpse of light.
To just rip my soul from my body.
To hurt me.
Break me.
As I tried.
I tried.
Tried to cope.

Tried to hold on,
And not to lose all I had.
But where am I left.

Either road to walk.
Only ends in pain.

Always ends in pain.
A place of loss.
Loss in the world.
Loss in life.

A continued game.
How much can be lost and lost,
Until nothing’s left.
How much can the soul take.

Watching the beauty fade from the world.
Watching life die, before your eyes.

But this is the way it goes.

Loss of the world.
Death of it all.
Sadness gripping.
Demons to return.
Ending coming.

Sadness gripping.

Watching your soul die,
Before your very eyes.

But you can’t cry anymore.
You’ve lost so much before.
You’ve got no tears to shed.

Got nothing left.

But that’s the way life goes.

Left in dust.

Losing it all,
Before your eyes.
The impossible decision.
The deadly loss.
Silent in its torture.

Sadness in its essence.

The broken lives lost.
The broken way,
The broken past.

Leading to a fractured present.

Leading to this end.
The sadness.
The pain.
The hurt.

Oh how it hurts so.
This emptiness.

Just going to watch it die.

As the body gives in.
As the mind starts to.
But that’s life.
Loss too great.

But what can be done?
What can be?

As the soul breaks.
Willpower loses.

Nothing left.

Forging the Pain

Forged from the pain, in the fires of Hell,
Comes my soul,
To break free,
As something new.
Forged in fire,
To find beauty in the world.
To find peace and goodness,
To give kindness and empathy,
For when the world seems cold.

I choose to stand.

From all the fire,
I have come to see.
To be.

My own soul and mind,
Broken and ripped apart,
Only to be forged back into place,
Stronger,
Scarred, but stronger for all that pain.

But this is where the story can all too often stop.
At those scars,
But with goodness to find,
A reason, aim.

To look and feel,
Grasp at beauty,
To cling to kindness and goodness,
My sword and shield.

As I choose,
To walk and bare those flames.
I choose.
Willingly,
To plunge my hand,
Consumed by flame.

To make,
To feel,
To be.

To try to be.


Writing this, thinking about me, my past, my present, future and photography. A way for me, to forge the pain, into something beautiful, peaceful, an encapsulation of me, and an extension of me.

Forging pain with photography into something nicer.