The World For The Taking

The world,
A world.
Its majesty.

A world anew while also not,
Perspective changing,
Yet all staying the same.
Calling,
Inspiration,
Goals and living,
Living and being,
Being and trying.

Trying to capture,
Capture, the beauty in normalcy,
What I had always missed,
In the busy life lead,
Missed yet for a moment,
To see,
Eyes opened.
To capture.
A philosophy,
One I hold true,
Hold myself to,

A world out there,
And inside,
For the taking, making, sharing.


Out on a photography trip with photographers around my city, I, clearly the newest, but our conversations, creativity, individuality, imagination. Met one at the end who their work’s inspired me, I wrote a comment on their work ages ago and I finally met them, they remembered my comment and said it really meant a lot and I’m glad because their work truly meant a lot to me. So glad. So happy. So happy and truly sound with wanting to get into photography, I was having second guesses and anxieties but tonight’s solidified it for me.

Advertisements

Wonderment

Left up,
Waiting and wondering,
Thinking on and on.

Thinking,
On and on,
Up I think and wonder,
As,
I just think.

As I look up and wonder,
Unto this world,
Thinking,
In place,
Thinking,
Wondering.

I stay.
Up looking into the stars,

Calm in a moment,
Just thinking and wondering.


Feeling better, a day of a little photography and sorting some stuff out. And watching a tv series a friend got me into.

Unforgiving Perspective

Unforgiving perspective,
One I try,
I owe, to do my best,
To try and make the world better, Brighter,
Because…
I owe.

I try and owe this.
Unforgiving,
Myself.

Even if all is okay,
In my head,
The overthinking,
It isn’t. It isn’t enough. What I do.
So I try, try and try.
Always wanting to do more.
Always oweing more.
So I try.

On with an unforgiving perspective.
I owe.

What’s worst,
If all is okay and well.
I hurt,
I, not hurt.
But want to do more.

I feel I owe.
I try.
And am never satiated,
Always unforgiving,
That I don’t do enough.

A story, perspective, on my life.
Always trying my best,
But never satisfied.
So until then, I try.
And want to try and do more.

A world away from the past.
How far I have come.
So much done,
That felt impossible.
I try.

But always unforgiving with what I try.
The trying.
Willing myself to action.
To try.
Fulfill a debt I have placed on myself.
Being.
Trying.

I try.
I hope its enough.
I try.
Though I never feel it enough.
So I try.
Try,
Keep on trying.

I owe.

Even as all is okay, I owe.
I feel,
I try.
But unforgiving in perspective.

Trying, to find a way,
To know,
To forgive myself,
To know,
To be.
To feel,
Okay, with trying.

I think. Feel. Try. And be.

But the perspective doesn’t leave me.
It doesn’t.

For many years,
This.
I try.
All I can do.
I need to.
Need to try harder.

Each memory, thought, burned into my mind.
Wanting to try harder.
Hurting.
Even as all is okay.

I don’t know.
I need to.


Writing this, thinking, mistakes. How I can’t forgive myself for many things even though I really know I should. I should.

I try, never feel it enough. Constantly reminded I know, I work, I’m friends with amazing people. Even if nothing is wrong, I don’t feel okay, don’t feel I’m doing enough. Even though I try. Even if no one’s said anything.

Don’t know, I forgive others without a second to think, but myself I cannot. I know I should. But yeah.

Thinking of my past, what was impossible and I have succeeded with a lot of it, going to Uni, doing any of it. Having got a job. So much. So much I’m grateful for, eternally grateful, but even having got so far, I can’t forgive myself.

Thinking of my diagnosis, and an article I read about Autism that had a high percentage of people with it cannot get a job, find it difficult doing simple things. A lot I’ve managed, with help from all amazing people. Yet I cannot give myself some slack. Maybe I should? I don’t feel I should. I owe it, owe everyone. But leaves me to being unforgiving of all I do. Not feeling I’m doing enough, even if I know it’s all I can. Always trying.

Everything is good, writing just thinking, of how I’m too harsh on myself but I really can’t help it. Never have been able to. Since I was a very very young kid. I don’t know. So I try to make up for it. Something I always thought of, as a penance, something I owe.

Yet I can’t forgive myself, even if I try my best. Everything is going okay, but still, the overthinking. I really can’t help it. I try. But my trying never amounts to as much as I really wish it would.

So I try. I keep on trying. To maybe come close to what I feel I owe, I try.

And I hope it can be good enough. Even if it is, I never feel it is. Oh well. Overthinking. Always.

People often don’t get my way of thinking, years ago, drunk, I told a boss I try, because I owe it to my job, I would have had to drop out of Uni if it wasn’t for my job. This isn’t why I got it, but every day I feel I owe. So I try. And always feel I owe more, need to try more.

Everything is okay, just overthinking. Always. But I try. It’s all I can. I can only hope all I can is good enough.

Picking The Times

Picking the times,
Picking them out,
A wealth of feeling,
All the options open,
Without any choice,
Collections from the past times.
From it all now gone,
Now not.

Feeling to pain,
Good, bad and all in between.
Pain. Total, eternal.

Asking how,
Even the best feeling causes pain,
And off,
I am.
Thinking, feeling.

With the picking of the times.
A test,
Reliving,
Refeeling,
A moment playing over and over again.

So many,
All there,
A lifetime away,
But a second away within the mind.

In the mind,
Away from the eyes,

Oh how it goes,
A time,
Picking and choosing,
Picking of the times.


Today’s been good, thinking, felt sad and really happy at times, constantly switching. Imagine, picking an emotion, a feeling, like a book off the shelf, with a memory, a large collection you can pick anything, any feeling. But I say, you can pick, but without choice of what is chosen.

A memory for every feeling, every emotion. Been thinking on this for hours and hours now.

For many years, if not my whole life, always could have mood changes, from an extreme high to a extreme low, in the time it takes to have a single thought. A thought.

Good at the Facade

Good at the facade.
Drowning inside,
Own thoughts, wretching inside.
A fight with the mind,
Before putting on the facade.
Trying,
Wrecking,
Pain to bring forth,
To bring forth,
Pushing and pushing,
But lost.

But so good at the facade.
Always in place,
All hidden at the back of the mind.
Back of the mind,
Clawing forth.

Clenched teeth,
Stomach wretching,
Mind not knowing.
Always thinking.

Just don’t.
Just don’t think.


Story of my life, trying but falling, failing, trying. Nothing’s happened I guess, just the ordinary, trying, trying, and trying, hating myself for trying but not going far as I want, with my trying.

Honestly don’t know anymore, story of my life, years and years of study, trying my best and not getting enough. Same wth everything.

The mind eating itself, wrenching and ripping itself apart.

Had a hope, but finding it’s not going as well as I want. But then again, it is my life, guess to be expected. Thinking and thinking over, till when I can only forget, try to calm the mind of worry and place a wall I cannot see past. Keep the mind occupied so I don’t have time to peer behind the wall.

Lots of things recently, reminding me of this, on and off but still.

Not feeling bad at the moment, just normal. But still. What then, does that say?

I try. Can’t believe after so many years, trying and just fail.

After years and years, you start to ask, think, what’s the point of anything if, just always failing when you’re trying your all. That’s just it.

Don’t know if it’s all true or just unfounded overthinking. Don’t know.

The only way, the saying of my favourite tv character, who I relate to more than any living person, their way of going through life, “just don’t think about it”.

Face Of The World

Face of the world,
Trying, thinking, being.
Always trying,
Against the face of this world,
Trying with,
Always trying.

As I fall,
Stumbling across,
As the mind, the face,
I try.
Always try,
As I stumble,
Thinking.
Demons there,
But I turn my back,
To try,
To be.

Always trying not to think,
A pain of overthinking,
Trying to control.

Overthinking, the poison of the mind,
I’ve tried to remedy,
To fight so hard.

As I fall, to fight to get up.
To try and calm a restless mind.

Thoughts rage, as I fight to calm,
Stumble, stumble, and fall.

Trying to fight,
To rage my soul to being,
As it all falls,
And I try to fight.
To stand,
Pulling against the chains,
Weighing me down.
As I try.

Seeimg and trying not to think.
As I fight against my own mind. My own mind now,
Trying so hard.

Against the face of the world in my mind.

Alive

Alive,
Here in feeling,
In presence,
Moments conversation,
Here I stand.

In existence,
Feeling meaning,
Feeling alive,
Exhilerated, excited,
A warmth I have rarely felt.
A kindness, on my soul,
A sense of care, interest.
Makes me stretch out,
In feeling,
Feeling alive.

In all existence.
Being at peace,
A never-finished process,
But these moments,
Let them not stop,
Let me not stop feeling.
And even without, let me not forget.

To remember, to feel,
To be alive.


Amazing day, did nothing much, but chat to a friend who’s across the globe away and we were chatting for ages, reminded me, and has made today totally amazing!

Small Things

Small things,
Small things in the dark,
Happy, insignificant yet true.
Nice but unexpected.

Wondrous, funny and sweet.
A moment,
A time,
A small occasion.

About those small things,
Easily taken for granted,
Those small things,
That lighten a day.
Those small things,
Always remembered,
From, to on and on.

About those small things,
Those funny times,
Those nice things.

Those.
Really small things.

Light, For The Setting of the Dark

Light,
As it comes,
For the setting of the night,
The darkest skies,
Lit up, before my eyes.

Opened wide,
Radiance and kindness alike.

Remembering,
Feeling,

A beauty of the world.
Through its radiant shine,

Remembering the bright,
It all,
In place,
Flowing into the night.
Mixed thoughts,
Memories kept.
Reminding, remembering.

Never to forget.

As for, the light,
Remembering the times,
With the light flowing, into the night.


Writing this, spent a relaxing night, watching my favourite tv show, The Walking Dead, was an emotional rollercoaster. Now thinking, of a dear friend haha. Also did more photography today, not much, wasn’t good weather, but a little.

Calm

Calm,

In the moment,
The time,
A moment,
Change by little change,
Persective, so ever-present.

Oh how I can then choose to see.

Here I am,
In the brief calm.
In the moment,

Being in the present.
Seeing,
Here I stand,
Hopeful,
Calm,
Seeing, trying, and now I know.

Calm, calm.
Inspired,
In the making,
With creation,
So many posibility.
Gratitude to my friends, Sticking by,
Making life.

In this moment of brief calm.
A good day.
Peaceful rest.
Introspection.
I see. Calm.


Feeling good, calm, spent the day, doing odd jobs, watching educational videos and doing things to better aid my photography. Did no photography as I had planned but it’s okay, did lots I haven’t had time to before. Also needed the relaxing day doing nothing.

Thinking back on hanging out with my friend last night, looking back, my mixed feelings, funny how these things change, where I have no idea why I felt like that, it was a great time, with good friends. Lots of good stuff.

Inspired totally by photography and glad to be getting back into it and wanting to throw myself into it fully, the image is another I’ve taken.