Still There

Still there,
A reminder of those times,
A time of life,
Remembering those memories,
As the feelings of euphoria have faded into time,
Fades but remembering the bliss,
In such a silly, casual moment,

Memories,
Even from afar,
Small moments,
Of abnormal normalcy,
Sweet,
Reminders,
Message goodnight,
Up late chatting,
Remembered in the time.

Hoping for the best,
A time of life,
Times being,
Yet not pretending,
Even with nervousness.

The beauty of the landscape,
The night sky before me.
As the day comes yet again.

The pull of beauty in the landscape,
A reminder,
Finding,
Losing oneself in it all.

In it all,
Worth another step,
The journey on.

Still there,
In those memories and reminders,
A future brighter,
Casual normalcy,

Moments lost,
In a new place,
Brought to,
By beauty,
And the time.
Of all those times,
The moments.

Uplifting and life-bringing.
Letting me be,

In casual normality,
I write, I capture,
Content.

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Sweet Reminder

Sweet reminders,
Reminders of plans,
Times forgotten,

Easy to forget in the flow of the world,
But to remember,
To remember,
A time ahead,
To look forward to,
Time behind,
To remember.

Thoughts all in place and calmed,
To live and remember,
Through a sweet reminder.


Writing this, thinking back on last night, a sweet friend messaged me out of nowhere and we got to chatting, about all sorts and making more ideas about stuff to do together when they come and visit. It was nice and to be honest brightened up my night. Chatting about all sorts.

After the Time.

After the time,
The time moves past,
Helping,
Left to the thoughts.
Feeling okay, but the thoughts.
Always, they stay.

Of the time,
Within the time,
Moments in the mind,
Thinking on and on,
A restless mind.

Okay in the moonlight,
Remembering,
Just moments that pass,
As it goes,
As the thoughts flow,
Calm,
Inside the confines of the mind,
Calm pondering,
Calm within the thoughts.

As life goes,
It just goes,
The calm night,
Relaxing in its moment of solitude,
Trapped in a mind.
But it’s not so bad.

It’s just something I’ve just,
Gotten used to.
Times.
Oh of all those times.
The ringing of life.

Within its calm flow,
Within the light,
Of the night.

As the night goes on,
Calming at peace.
Watching the sea reflection,
The large moon shine.
Lights of the city,
Sounds of the night.

Calm,
In its reminder of life,
Of a time,
Of all time.
As moments come, go, fade and linger.
Moments like a song,
And its eventual fade.

As the night shines,
Trying to remind,
Of life,
All that’s going so well,
Yet an empty feeling,
Comes and goes.

Flows and goes on.
In the moment,
Feeling in this time,
Confusion and peace.
Within living.
Remembering scars,
Left to the side.
Burnt aside.

Remembering gold,
Trying to hold onto,
Small moments,
Times.

Just.
Just after the time.


Had a good day today, a bit of photography after work made everything nicer.

I don’t feel down, or I guess not. Even before writing I know that this poem will probably end up being a bit sad. But that’s how it goes.

Did good, helped put minds at ease of colleagues of mine. Just feels good helping. But as always, just left thinking, after helping others. Now I think about this, it’s been like this for a long while. But more recently in the last few years.

Another photo I took today.

And On The Walk

And onto the walk,
Down another path,
Another way on,
As the calming seas crash,
The moom so bright,
Giving, unto its shine,
The world so slow,
A world, passing.

The world before,
The landscape ahead,
As it flows down.

Beauty faced,
Reserved,
Cold, back turned.

On it goes,
Landscape seen and found,
On, the time flows,
Calm in the blank skies,
A world,
Speaking,
Its secrets, life,
Calm, at the edge of the world.

Just to to stop,
Before the moment,
To see.

And the walk,
On the trek,
Blank open space,
To calm,
Tiring of the fight,
A witness to time.

The moment,
In time.

The moment,
In place.

Amidst the moon-shine.
The time,
Passing,
As a witness,
To the fight.


Today’s been a good day, an alright one. Thinking as always. Better after writing this as some friends are going out and I think I can finally go, but yeah, alright. Haven’t really done photography in a couple of days but want to get back to it on my next day off.

Out Of Nowhere, The Bright

Out of nowhere,
The bright.
Unexpected in the bright light.

Times,
Message,
Out of the blue,
As the day’s light shines,
As times,
As it flows into and through time.

What a different,
Different time,
A good day made,
Funny how these times come,
Unexpected.

Oh how the times,
Come from nowhere.
From nowhere.

Random,
What a sweet feeling,
As the night calls,
The night’s time.

Times in it all.
A calling from within,
Hope and happiness,
The random feeling.

It all and all.
Oh the calling,
As I’m reminded,
Of times to come,
Times found.

Out of nowhere,
Out of nowhere comes the bright.

Comes the bright,
The rage and will,
To take another step,
Another step into the light.


Got a very random message today, from a friend I haven’t really seen in a year, messaging that they wanted to come down and visit me for a few days at the end of the month. Both looking forward, been long overdue, and gotten to know them a lot, messaging about lots of stuff recently, has been cool and amazing.

The best things come at those times you least expect it.

Briefest Glimpses

Briefest glimpses,
Oh the calling of the time,
The world so uncertain,
But certain in knowing,
Defiance against the rage,
The past so dark,
Just for the bright day.

Just trying,
After trying so hard,
Giving up,
On the pain.
Moving past,
Closing that door,
Burning the bridges of my mind.
To renew,
To relight.

Of all the memories,
Corrupted by and through time,
Shown for what they were,
A sight not wanted to be seen.
Just I know.

The pain,
Worth, just to see what wasn’t,
Time, has shone past the lies,
The hurt and the ill-intent.

Just to find peace,
To come to terms.

Of it all,
All paths erased,
Just to find and move past.
Learning from the dark past.

Briefest glimpses,
Acquired through the pain.
Fought and fought,
To find my way,
My way out of the pain.

Just to try,
Mind broken back then,
Seeing clearly now,
A gift from time, from pain and friends.

The world just watched for what it was.
Darkness shown,
Overthrown ideas of what was good,
Revealing,
Pain caused.

Throwing, or trying,
To throw me off from all life,
All from being.

Ridiculed for being.

Now only finding my way,
Out from darkness,
Friends’ care given,
Allowing me to see.

From and with those glimpses,
Giving perspective,
Through pain caused.

Realising,
Being,
Broken only to find the way.

The Calling

The calling,
The feeling,
Living in the day and the night.

Remembering and holding on.
All the calls,
Within the night,

As it all goes,
Hope,
Brought from within memory.

A call back,
Into the once light shine.

As this light goes.
Fueled from within,
Through the light and memory.
Hopes, through uncertainty.

Memories clear and bright as the day.
As with those sweetest memories,
To stay and keep,
To keep for and from another day.

A.
Reminder of another bright day.
Another time,
Another place,
Another feeling.
Giving me feeling in place,
Another light burning bright.

The light of another time.
Through and into calling.
Light, shining bright.

A fire to let me go on.
Hope and light,
To call me out of darkness.
Hope for light.

Calling for light, life and for another time.


Writing this, thinking, of the good thought, the good memory, of my friend who’s gone abroad, having an amazing time and the memories of those many but all too few times. Messaging late at night, all those times. Waiting for their bus with them, chatting, laughing, hanging out, nerding over our passions and past-times. Giving me some hope.

Looking at the Scars

Looking at the scars,
Memories through the time.
As I see them before me.
Scars lingering on.

Even once past,
The scars.
In looking into the light,
Scars glistening,
Reflecting me,
A show of light,
Of darkness.

The cold sting,
From old scars,
Just as if they were new,

The lingering,
Of darkness to light.
A reminder,
How light comes,
Keeping and shadows stick to,
Standing in the light,
The shadow, staying with,
Being in the light.

Coping better,
As the scars stay,
Reminders,
Staying close.

Waiting for the day to break,
Knowing the shadows,
The scars, stay,
Glistening in detail,
Memories, of their incision,

Into the mind,
And into place.


Wrote this, had a good and happy thought, memories of a friend who’s abroad, one I care about, the last few nights, of many, the few dinner and movie nights. They cooked dinner, I brought Ben & Jerrys, watched a movie that meant a lot in their childhood. And the time, we went neon crazy golf, it was good.

This memory, led to bad ones, funny, how the scars stay, memories stay, just as scars.

This is a poem, of the scars and shadows that stay.
Memories, scars, of the mind.

Guilt

The moment,
The time,
Guilt ever-filling.
Guilt for the self,
for what I do to you,
The mind, my mind,
The face of guilt,
For what I do, feel and see.

The face of me,
As a tear runs down,
Knowing my fate.
Walking this path.
Knowing. All along.

The demons hold,
Not like before,
The gentle grip,
Unlike before,
A whisper in my ear,
Showing me,
No escape.
As I,
Continue on.

A gentle grip,
Never letting go,
But less violent, more long-lasting.

As I know, feel and see.
Knowing freedom,
Unattainable,
Pain, always coming.
All that can be hoped for,
Temporary respite,
Until I see,
See the hand on my shoulder,
Gripping me.

Not knowing,
So I sit here fixed.
Wondering.
Thinking.

Unable to think clearly,
As I sit.
Just waiting,
While this grip holds on.

And I hold guilt,
For not setting myself free,
Not being able to,
Not knowing how to try,
Not willing to try,
As I. Fixed in place.

Warnings so clear,
Alarms in my mind.
Alarms all around.
Yet guilty,
For the grip holds,
I stopped, stopped shaking it off.

Unsure in place,
I exist.
Guilty, for continuing.
For going on.
For knowing now,
What I’ve known all along.
I am complicit.
Complicit.
And from complicity, comes guilt, sorrow. Continuity.

My mind burning with sorrow,
From the guilt,
The lies I need to tell myself;
That it’s fine.
That it goes on.
As the choice makes the guilt.

Never surprised,
When knowing all along.
And knowing into it all.
Complicit with guilt.
Sorrowful.

What’s worst,
Is knowing,
Having known all along.
Making guilt find me.
Actions my own.
Actions for a pain my own.

Knowing it all.
My pain so deep.
Only wishing an escape,
Resolved to living in the pain.
Living, continuing and just going on,
The pretense of normalcy, normality.
Normality of pain.
When it cuts so deep.

As I know.
Have known.
Go on.

With the guilt gripping me,
Choices made, from choices I didn’t.

Sitting alone,
Better this way,
In my throes of pain.
Knowing the path ahead,
The sorrow and guilt there.
My friends to make.
Life to be.

Hoping where there is none,
That the pain will fade,
Living with the mind’s scars.
Raw as ever.
Deep and new always.
The rupture and bleed,
Sad but true,
As I know.
Complicit in its making.
And okay with it,
Okay and knowing.
With this pain.
Washing all other troubles away,
A tsunami to wash away the ripples.

Waves,
Crashing at my feet.
Sinking into the blackened sand.
The sea-rumble,
Never to drown out the thoughts,
As I lie,
On the cold ground,
Sitting, thinking, living,
In this time.

As I slip away,
My mind takes me,
Losing piece by piece.
Time after time.

Saddened with every choice,
Choices not for choosing.
As the time passes,
Barely noticing.

Loss so deep.
With a corrupted mind.
Pained into submission.

All the feelings,
A mixed mess,
Of happiness, sadness and all in between.
Just the feeling,
Ripping at my soul.
As I lie unfeeling through feeling.
Tired, but the body wont give up.

All-consumed,
By guilt, my own.
Sorry for all said,
Sorry for feeling.
As with this all.
Dying inside,
Until I don’t notice.

Tears cannot flow anymore,
After so long,
A pain longlasting.
Nothing more.
Pain taken it all long ago.

And just left.
Guilt.
Just guilt.
Over it all;
All done, said, felt, and complicity.


Was okay, but as always, seems to turn out a lie. Writing this, doesn’t help, but I need this. Just need to write, life and experiences, living, pain and sorrow. My guilt.

The picture, taken earlier today.

Defiant Rage

Defiant rage,
Raging out,
Defiant against the pain.

Holding on those good memories,
That warm against the fade.
Bringing with it a hold,
A grasp,
Onto reality.
Thinking, remembering.

Defiant against the pain and the haters.
To rip out the pain.
Violently I shake myself back into existence.

To remember, to feel.
Raging to feel alive,
As it burns against my skin.
Gritting my teeth.
Just to feel alive.

Bringing myself out of the pain,
Through the burning flames of the mind.

Letting the flames wrap around.
Creativity and life,
Burning deep.
Burning deep inside.

A defiant rage.
To feel,
See,
Breaking out,
Breaking apart,
To feel.

To make,
Whole.
Breaking off the past.

Remnants from a wretched existence.

Breaking free to find.
To be free.

Let it all out into the night.
Memories of that last moment,
Dark but also with its own shine.

Breaking free,
Finally,
As I remember all those sweet times,
Slight reminders,
Reminders,
Bringing me back to life.

Holding on,
To the only bright light,
That I can find,
From those depths of despair.

Passion,
Care,
At home.
Finding those moments,
Free,
Better,
Alive.

Bringing,
Bringing hope out,
Alive.

From those times,
Gone but for a little while,
But bringing life.
To feel alive again.
Reminders,
Kind, sweet, at home, and alive.
Reminder away from the pain.

The times,
Those times, those nights.
Nothing, but everything,
Everything all the same.


Feeling better, angry at the pain endured, continued, hurt but defiant all the same. Defiant to wretched pain wrought.

Defiant, but happy, remembering good memories, kindness given over a long time of being in pain. A time where I could merely be myself, open up, be nerdy and not judged. Help and in doing, also be helped. Without any intention to be helped. Kind times, just really good and nice and giving hope for the future.