Rage Seethes Deep

Rage seethes deep,
Exhaustion so complete,
That a day’s sleep cannot fix.

Pain runs forth,
Rage flows deep.
Hatred of it all.
Raging,
In my sleep and wheb awake.
Nothing but for sleep.
To silence a raging furor.
Settled and true in conviction.
An animal with nothing left to give,
Nothing left to settle,
Nothing to calm,
Or to lose.

Raging in the mind.
Only calming through the rage by confining it to the mind.
Letting it run free,
In the particular spheres.

As the cage unravels.
As the cage breaks apart,
Nothing but hope to prop it up.
Keeping the confines alive.

Fixing a tsunami after its commence.

To hide and hope the confines hold.
Ripping and wrathful.

An animal beaten,
Tearing at the cage,
Ripping at its captor within the mind.

Blinded by rage,
Unable to see,
To see forth.

The rage deep,
The rage setting free,
Showing,
As the chains strain.

The calm of the facade,
To help keep,
To help keep.

As the flood walls break,
To rebuilt while bricks,
Are torn from.
Knowing,
More blocks are ripped than can be places.

Seeing the path,
The projection,
Pessimism sets in,
Like stopping a reactor after it’s gone.

All come to a tilping point,
All come to a meltdown.
To a breaking point,
To self. Ripped to,
Ripped from.
Ripping apart,
As the pain,
Tastes so sweet,
Letting go and having lost.
Losing. Losing.
Calmness faked,
Faked to keep the facade,
The cage in check.
The best rupturing,
Wrecking.
Ripping.

Raging to a tire.
Pain all over the body and mind,
In totality.
The rage.
So deep.
Exhilirating in the dark pain.

Rage seething deep,
The loss of control.
Building frantically,
Cage after cage,
Only hoping to keep.
To hold and to keep.

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Up-ending

Feeling calmer, still angry, hateful, hurt, in pain. Wanting everything to stop. So the norm. I can’t cope, know I need a change even if it means upending everything. Will definitely do this by October, my goal while fulfilling my own personal promise. I have to. Still even now. Feeling so angry at and about everything. The Walking Dead’s universe feels like it would be so good right now.

Can’t do this. Everything corrupting in my mind, had quite a lot of sleep and going to bed now for more but I’m still exhausted and really dreading work tomorrow, everything tomorrow to be honest. I guess dreading waking up, so the norm again I guess. Whatever.

Problem with calmer anger, it shows overwhelmed anger as true without the fixing of the anger. Shows it to be true rather than temporary issues or feelings going into overdrive and point to a real issue. So fucking pissed off and done. So tired and sick and tired. Can’t even think of anything I’m looking forward to, for, well any time forward from now. Which only makes me even more angry at myself, at life in general.

Crushing Blow

Crushing blow,
He anger of a angry song.
Ripping apart at my mind.
Crushed under all the weight.
Hating and raging.

Wanting to shout,
Let the rage out.
Exhaustion my saviour,
To rage out,
Scream into the world,
And watch it crumble under the weight.

Tearing at my mind.
Hating my mind.
Crushed under the weight.

Trying and into I tear,
Ripping into the mind I so hate.

Anxiety, existential pain, exhaustion and pain.

All to add to.
Rage.
Till my life crumbles into dust.
To rip every atom apart.

Rage so deep, at my failures, ineptitudes.
I so hate,
To try and be.

Always hiding.
Hiding away,
depression, autism, anxiety and pain.


Ending it abruptly, can’t be bothered. Tired. Stressed day at work. Anxiety through the roof, even a friend inviting me out to an event which I’m glad about and should be excited has got me very anxious with a lot going through my head. Too tired. Was determined to do photography to try and feel better but so exhausted and can’t be bothered. Too tired to think, too tired to do anything, too tired to: do photography; catch up on my favourite tv series. Too tired to even eat, too poor to order a takeaway, too tired to convince myself otherwise. Everything is shit and I just want to sleep. Want to end today. Want to stop.

Can’t even be bothered to write, don’t even know why I do. So done. So done. Doing too much and now so done. Pushing too hard and then I crash. Sick of shit in life, emptiness in existence and the lies I tell knowingly to make it seem okay or barely worth it. And the facade I fake to even appease anxiety in the first place to stop a tragic cycle.

Everything shit, all aspects failing, failed or impossible to begin with. Just shit. Could write all day but I’m exhausted to shit.

Just so done with it all.

Lost In Place

Lost in place,
All the soace around me,
Claustrophobic,
Free to move, bt chained in place,
With lots but without choice,
Mind anchoring, keeping me,
Unmotivated.
Lack of direction, lack of choice,
Makes a lead, to unmotivation.

Havig always had a goal.
Now seen to be a lie,
One I told,
To keep going, trying.
Told, to try and achieve, where not achieving was the only other alternative.
My only choice,
Taken away,
A aim I held for so long. Gone.

Now I exist in limbo,
My own personal hell.
Hoping, trying. But both fading.
I see the life drift from my finger tips,
See the hope drain from my eyes.
My soul fade from hope,
To hatred, unhappiness, emptiness and exhaustion.
All for everything,
Lies I made, needed to believe to give meaning.

A lie I thought could hold if I keep the flame alive,
I didn’t expect the sudden extinguish.

Or did I?

I think I did.
But hiding the truth when it leaked through the lie that needed telling.

A lie I needed. A lie I told.
A lie to fight the loss, emptiness.
A lie now failed,
I find myself.
Lost in place.


Amazing meal out for a friend’s birthday, haven’t seen them almost in a year while we’re all in the same city. A group of friends I almost saw every week for a couple years.

Good to see them. Really needed this, a treat, a reminder.

Still feeling lost, hurt, sad, and without motivation but small things like this, nice times are much needed distractions, things, small times, bringing me back to life.

The poem is dark, has needed to be written, about the gradual process, me since September, maybe even from 2017 a gradual decline I tried to hold back. Now the only things holding it back, my motivation, hope and idea of hard work bearing fruit. All fade, all gone, all shown as the lie I told myself to try and will a reality into being. It was worth the try. It was a good run. Still happy about tonight out, this is an undertone, a constant one for years, but at least I can replay the night in my mind, to offer what little comfort I can forge from it. To lessen pain.

Making me feel living rather than just existing.

Lost and in pain

Lost and in pain,
Being for the meaning.
As the song faded to close,

Failing as my life just drifts, I want to just drift,
To get lost,
To fall apart to save from the pain.

As I think. I feel. Piece by piece I die inside.
Always hiding,
Trying not to see.

Upset in the thinking.


Bit of a meh day. Photo-editing was alright, and nice I was invited out to dinner with some friends which I’m looking forward to. But still, pain is my life, even at the best. It all hurts. I

Trying to find a way

Trying to find a way,

Pain in life, all a greeting,
Remembering,
Thinking,
Pondering existence, A sadness from being,
Thinking.

A life of being.

As I try to find,
To find a way.

In sadness I resign,
Despair grips me tight,
Brakes every bone and spirit.


Thinking of stuff, the past, present, future, feelings, myself, mental health.

Thinking of the series I binged over the weekend and tried to write about but was too tired. A scene resonates with me. Not the recovery, but two main characters are doing drugs to escape feeling, to numb, one’s homeless and poor the other is well off but both depressed. Lost. Hopeless. The poor one refutes a comparison of similarity between the two of them, saying that he would OD and join his girlfriend if he had enough money to, and it’s really sad but the sadness of both resonates. The richer one goes into his pocket, grabs cash and gives it to him, saying “don’t waste it on food”. They both nod and you can see acceptance, agreement and understanding.

A really good series, you don’t get many serious ones, ones showing despair, showing reality. Everything for me is going okay, my best friend says I’m doing much better than I was before, deeply depressed. And still I’m not really feeling much better. With all making, all doesn’t help.

I wish alcohol could give me the escape, it doesn’t, it can make me happy but never lasts long. Nothing does.

Been listening to the sad song from that scene on repeat for most of the day. Calms me. Gets me thinking.

I just don’t know what to do.

Again I’m too tired and just want to sleep.

Life Going On

Life goes on,
Sadness, pain, and the search.
Trying,
While,
In paina lost.


Thinking. Happy and sad. Good day of photography. Binged a sad series, After Life, about a guy who lost his wife and his reason to live and wanted death and stopped feeling and later found a reason to live again. One of the nicest things I’ve watched in a while.

I’ve lost myself. Don’t know what I want anymore. Lost everything I knew, I wanted. Happier than before but more lost. I see what the main character means a lot, I relate to them.

I don’t write often, too tired most of the time, exhausted falling asleep now.

Sadness, pain, thinking of times of kindness today; like a guy who asked if he could sit on a bench without ruining my shot. He didn’t have to ask but it was nice and thoughtful of him to do so.

So much more to say but wxhausted. Will try to write ater but I don’t fancy my chances.

Mind Dragging Away

The mind dragging away,
Pulling away,
Fracturing being,
Throwing,
Being,
Pain through thoughts,
So much there,
Just so much.
It’s always the same,
Thoughts after a time,
Just thoughts, after it all.
Thinking overwhelming.

Sinking and thinking,
As the darkness creeps in,
Flowing through my veins for a while,
Until the time.

At the time.
Trying to be.
Trying not to think,
But just there.
Existing and thinking.

Just in the being,
As I drift,
Thinking through the fall.

Oh how my mind sinks and thinks.
Drifting down and down.

Oh how it wont stop.
It doesn’t waver.

Just down and down it goes.

Breaking through the fall,
Making me so angry at being.
Anger at the thinking.

Pain in being,
Just cryibg out,
To be heard.

Wailing into the dark wind.
Sinking faster and faster.

Trying,
Alone in the darkness.
Just feeling.
But fine.
In the being.

In this time.
In place,
I feel, so empty.
In place, being, so empty.

But trying,
I feel.
So empty.
Trying. But so empty.
Empty in thinking, and feeling,
Trying, but.

Just dragged down.
Empty.


Good times this week. Seeing a friend last weekend, hard work on a project of mine. Work was okay but stressful today, but at least now I know it’s something I can handle and people have faith in me. Which is nice. Saw a friend briefly when they were in town, was over the moon to see.

Now just thinking, about it all. Feeling sad. Been wanting to write a lot of poetry but early nights have meant I haven’t really had the chance.

Thinking, for a while, how my mind, takes a happy time and rips me apart so I can’t be hurt. By torturing and hurting myself.

Memories as they fade

Memories as they fade,
As they fade,
Grasping hold till the let go.

Remembering,
A place of memory,
Of time.
In an attempt,
A promise to,
Also to myself.
In the trying.

The making and being,
In the face of lies and failing.
As I try,
To keep my head up.

To try.

As the thinking grows, tears at me,
As I try on,

To make,
It all okay.
As I try,
All the words flood through my head,
Overwhelm and all my thinking,
Wanting to stand still.

As I think.
Sadness grips me.
Makes me cry in pain,
Thinking, Thinking of it all.
My pain.
Isolation,
My lack of understanding,
Inability to trust my mind,
To trust my sight.

As anger grows and sadness stays,
Anger at my own mind for sight,
For an inability to see,
Wanting to know,
Hurting me. Just trying,
Just trying,
Just trying to see.
To be able to feel and not feel bad.


Went on a trip, a photoshoot with a friend yesterday, was really, really good, but thinking. Thinking. Reminded me of all sorts, even that night out I had a thought I haven’t in a long while. Feeling a little down.

Thinking of my experience and Autism, how I’ve gotten to the stage of hurting myself, insulting myself whenever I feel good, just so I don’t inevitably feel bad. I know it’s counterintuitive but yeah. Better I hurt myself than something else do it.

Just means I’m always ripping into my mind with a shard of glass watching the colour flow. Sadness of existence but never being able to see.

The Times

The times as they go,

Thinking,

Being,

In a world,

Feeling,

Being,

In a world of my pondering.

Thinking in the moment.

Feeling. Thinking.

Knowing.

Being used. But let it be.

To just feel something.

I know.

I feel.

I hurt.

But this I know.

This I know.

This I very much know.


I’ve had an absolutely amazing night out that I do not regret. Still thinking. Wrote this early in the night, and I opened to find it still true at the end.

Work been good recently, hectic but good. (Not had time to write poetry or a blogpost as I’ve been very busy).

Tonight, shows me everything clearly, Autism as torture. Seeing but never knowing. Being used or not? Everything I see. Pain in everything.

I loved the night out and do not regret it at all. I guess you can see why I can get so down. If I’m writing like this after an amazing night what does that say about a night hat is less than amazing. Autism. Never knowing, seeing but needing to test. I’m so confused. Have so much more to write but too tired and drunk.