Being In Moment

Being in the moment,
Living in the time,
Nothing else mattering,
Looking at this vista,
Taking in all the sights that are before me.

As I see the patterns,
The beauty in all the shapes of being.
Out there and I see,
I see and it makes me,
Made by me,
Again acting in turn,
Bringing me to find a way,
Allowing me,
To find my own.

All in this moment,
The sweet song sings.
Nothing to fade this feeling.
I can grasp onto,
Never letting go,
Because I can make it through,
Because I will make it through,
Make it my own.
Bringing forth my light.
Finally can put my demons to rest,
Never gone, but enough to hide them and starve them out of me.

Oh how this time passes.
All the songs singing,
As the times all go,
And I, through them, all the way.


Had the most amazing day, relatively uneventful until messaging on Snapchat. Just amazing, lots of random I significant stuff but apparently not so much, had made me feel so high, enough to erase or push back any hardships for like over a month. Never have I ever been happy like this, let alone for this long, or resilience to anything. To be honest, it’s hard to be confident or resilient if “the truth” is shown contrary, but I’ve been shown another side, one that’s brought, and I’ll bring with it.

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I Feel… Overwhelming

I feel, overwhelming,

Such joy and happy-sadness.
Overwhelming in all being,
Being and living.
Glad in the smallest moments,
Calm, confident sweet and free.
Free, caring and being truly me,
After so long,
Living in a façade,
Hiding because I had to,
Felt I had to.

But yeah,
Being,
Living,
Existing but feeling,
A part of the world,
Caring and being cared about.

A smile to make my heart melt,
Small moments that last forever,
But also feel gone too soon.

Feeling okay,
Okay to show,
To stand tall,
Tall and proud,
Of who I am,
Who I can be,
Can be okay,
Can show who I truly am.

A warmth in life,
One I’ve never known.
So small in those moments,
But those smallest moments…
So beautiful,
Making this world shine bright.

Proud to stand tall,
For all I’ve done and want to do.
Through my art,
To capture and show.
A message of beauty for all to see,
All in wherever you look,
To find the beauty when the eye beholds,
To make, see and find.
To be the holder of your own path.
To forge a way through.
To make it all work out.
No matter the odds.

Just needing to remember the gold,
To keep hold.


The post I made last, was a rough morning but it was all turned around, it was my anxiety, but it was all turned around on that shift at work by a friend I chatted to tonnes, chatted to tonight. Has been the reason for being confident and happiest recently.

Lots of stuff, also tonight I’ve finished binge watching Game of Thrones to this point, very emotional and thinking of my friend. Just happy, emotional, thinking and happy-sad. A happiness with a tinge of sadness, thinking about the future about the past, about very small things. Feeling so very very happy, content. Not everything in life is perfect, but it feels so that it is. Just thinking, just happy. Happy and emotional that it feels slightly overwhelming, very overwhelming.

Even just writing this has made me feel a whole lot better, a world better. I’ve been so good recently, unbelievable, I know the cause, know why, know what started all of this off.

All The Pieces

All the pieces of that sunset,
All those sweetest moments,
Those greatest of times,
All the pieces of a shattered time,
Falling into place,
Not without their moments,
Not without their trials,
But the pieces are fitting into place.

Confidence when it was all but there,
Happiness when living was all a wait,
Meaning when I had no outlet,
Voice after I had none.

The beauty of living in a time,
Being in the moment,
Living with meaning,
Meaning, my own,
Being,
Seeing and trying, with kindness,
Kindness in my heart,
In life and trying.


Lost Again

Lost again,
After a too-short time of living,
Living on borrowed time.
Living a borrowed life,
Of happiness, direction and meaning.

How I tried living,
Tried fighting.

I tried and now I find myself,
Lost again.


Today’s all been a rough day, started with selfconsciousness, then has spiralled into being sad, lost, empty, lost. I haven’t even been able to find or turn my mind to happier thoughts. Just have been ruminating and sad.

Just sad. Just sad. Alone. Isolated. Unsure where to go, who to turn to, what to do. What to think.

Clarity

Clarity found,
Place of being, feeling.
A time reminded, by those kind-hearted occasions.


Clarity, feeling better than earlier, not that I was feeling bad but conflicted. I think I’ve resolved it with the help of messaging a friend about stuff not even related to this. I can still walk clearly, freely, happily while still offering all I am able to help, all to try and help. Nothing more that I want to do in life more than to help those I care about.

Feeling much better, cant believe over the last week or two, I remember what started it all, so small and insignificant, but it’s made all life much easier to cope with, has made me happier in everything, looking forward. It was nothing, just a simple FaceBook message but it’s made it all.

Things are still difficult, many times, but it’s much more hopeful, much easier to bounce back. And most of all, much better to keep my mind on track and to steer it if it drifts off course.

This commission I’m a bit anxious about, not really anxious but wondering. I probably won’t get it as the person I spoke to said they’d most likely offer it to someone who’s more disabled by their health, but it’s worth a go and I’m trying. Just waiting to hear back now. It would give me an amazing project over summer to do.

We’ll see. But I still cherish the thing that’s given me so much life, soul, living, above all else. So much so that it’s probably pathetic. But I’m finally happy.

Conflicted

My mind, how it sways,
How it flows and bends,
Conflicted.
My mind,
Trying to find, work itself out.

Hurting,
Thinking,
My mind uncertain.
Questioning.

Caring,
Questioning.
My mind,
Seeing such hurt,
Wanting to help,
Questions, all plaguing my mind.
My mind, a plague on itself.

Trying,
But my mind it clouds,
It clouds all over.

But the confusion persists.
It continues.


Don’t feel bad, just thinking, just conflicted, seeing a friend open up into such pain and yeah. I don’t know. I want to help. In anyway I can. That’s what I do, the thing that’s the best thing to do, to help, to care, to try. Thinking.

Happiest of All Feelings

Happiest of all feelings,
Feeling in place,
Confident,
Resilient to stressors,
A barrier in my mind,
Happiness holding up,
Against all stress that would otherwise crush me,
A prop to keep hold,
To push the demons away,
To see them for what they truly are.

Bringing,
To be with the happiest of feelings,
Feeling at peace in my mind,
Never been such a time,
Confidence, kindness and life.
Being and happy.
Existing and making it,
Feeling the warmth of life,
I had forgotten.

Had been lost and losing,
Giving up and waiting,
Not knowing,
How it being,
What needing.

The best of feelings,
The best of being,
Seeing and feeling.
Breaking apart anxieties,
Bringing forth some more,
But crushing those also.
To show the fears as lies,
The illusions of the demons within my mind.
A clearing of the fog,
Making pure,
Feeling and being,
In whatever is being done,
Not craving a mere distraction,
But being in totality.
Anticipation and looking forward and upwards,
Hoping and claiming such nice changes.

Being in and within the happiest of feelings.

As the landscape, the vista clears.
It all grows and glows warm,
Radiant and clear,
Beautiful life before,
Showing the truth,
One I had stopped seeing.
Stopped being and feeling.

A reminder of living,
By life of being, making, feeling.

Alive after so long,
So long the delusion, the lies trying to believe.
The substitute for nothing.
But now this feeling,
Tries to grow,
To shape and be.
As I try to keep hold,
Feeling anxieties try and grow,
But the feeling,
On my side,
Pushing back, and away.

Feeling in totality of being.
It all coming together.
Confidence to be,
To push the anxiety away,
To try and change,
To be better and make it all myself.


Been feeling amazingly happy last night and all today, even being late for work this morning, was shit, but didn’t get me down like it otherwise would have, lots of small things but I’m just happy and have been since yesterday evening and for the longest consecutive period I think. Feeling amazing and resilient to bad stuff, able to set my mind on the right track to get past the cycling of anxiety, worry, anger and depression.

Feeling amazing without words to describe, wanted to right about it last night but was too tired and wanted to go to bed earlier.

Just feeling so amazing, more than I have In, as long as I really can remember truly. Amazing. Feeling clear. Feeling nice and better within myself, within my own skin, within my own mind. Feeling able and confident to do good by me, to try hard. To do and feel proud.

Freed By The Feeling

Freedom by the feeling,
From it, by it.
Given a chance,
Allowed to see the sun shining,
With it all working out.

Growth, happiness and strength, to try and to be.


It’s been a really good day, work went well, afterwards was gonna meet a friend to do some work but they didn’t reply but I got to go do some photography that I’ve been meaning to do, it was amazing, got shots I like and after did some of the work I had to do anyway with a small meal in a local bar. Was a really nice day, embracing the feeling, crowding out the bad. It’s helped and I’m feeling good. Although really tired and kinda cba to finish the poem.

Sadness of Beauty

The sadness of beauty,
Coming free from life,
As it’s to be seen.
Felt, experienced and lived.
Just being free,
Being trapped in the feeling,
Letting yourself go free.
Free to be.

Oh how it all wells up.
Like a sunset in full bloom,
All the radiant colours,
Beauty to be seen.
Colours lighting up the sky,
Colours letting free,
Freeing me.

Warmth from it all,
Living in the feeling.
Just thinking,
Of being free,
But in the moment it’s all.

Just witnessing the beauty,
As the world lights up,
Showing me the way,
Showing and freeing me.

Beauty from it all,

The colours and feelings,
Varied and happy,
Living and being,
Not letting a step go,
The step, in a journey for me.

To stand tall,
And give it a try.
To show my mark,
Live my life,
In the moment of feeling.

As I try to be.


Thinking, about lots. Myself for example, even work today, started rough but ended well. Lots of stuff. Beauty like in my photography but coming from sadness. Happiness, sadness, pain, and joy all being one and connected and inseparable.

On the bus today, felt suddenly overwhelmed when going to do some photography, an overwhelming sadness from happiness, felt on the verge to tears, but held it all in.

Sadness In Heart

Sadness gripping my heart,
What I cannot deny,
Getting harder,
Harder to ignore.

Can’t turn my mind away,
Can’t ignore all feeling to wait for it to leave,
The plague on my mind,
One that’s so kind but also hurts.

Thinking and thinking,
The worries plaguing my mind,
So many things,
In a state of change,
I have to find a way,
To navigate the confines of my mind.
That plague me with worry and fear,
Questioning every thought, feeling and outcome.

Gripping,
How this deep sadness plagues me so,
To a numbing moment.
Hurting,
aching.
Until I can set my mind to leave.
To see the world-flow.