To Start Afresh

To start afresh,
Needs a change,
To throw away the old,
Make anew, renew, refresh.

How is this to be done?
Throwing away my memories,
Mind, emotions and self.
To make a change.

A well-needed change.
A time afresh.
To make this change.

Make myself anew.

It is hard.
But must be done.

The pain of now,
To alleviate the pain of a tomorrow that hasn’t come.

Off I tread,
To start afresh.

I don’t know if the poem sounds bad or that I’m down, but I’ve really had a nice day and a post I have read on WordPress has got me thinking.


Anger for a Lie

The lies you shared,
Refusing me the dignity of being,
Leaving me in torture,
Under your foot.
Broken and controlled.

Only others showed me your lies,
Gave me decency on your behalf when you refused.
Showed me basic human respect when you denied me.

Thrown off my chains,
Tearing my self out,
Out of the hurtful lies,
The bad situation.
The wrecked mind I had to piece back.

You, the orchestrator of my demons’ symphony.

Thinking of the past, how someone treated me, something I tried to forget. But stuff is happening like the same as before.

Finished writing later, not feeling so bad, a walk home, time to think, space, some good news and errands has put me in a better mood.

Fighting The Pain

Fighting the pain,
To be stronger,
To pick up my pieces. Fix them.
Move into the light.
As it recedes away.
And on I fight.

Better than I was before.
Trying to keep the fight.
Fight for me.

Fighting the pain as it comes my way.
Winning the fight for me.
As it grasps hold.
I fight.

The demons show their face,
Out of the prison I confined them.
To show me their ugly face.

On I must fight.
I know the cause.
Know the next step.
On I must fight.

A fight for my future,
Fight for my day.
Fight for me.
Tears running down my cheek,
Determination at my sleeve.
Knowing the struggles ahead.
I will win.
As I’m fighting the pain.

Don’t worry, just having a bad night. Overthinking is the cause. Haven’t had one like this in a while.

It’s okay, I’ll fight through. I’m not going back to where I was before. Never again. I’m much stronger.

Slipping Through the Cracks

Slipping through the cracks,
My sorrow kept under control.
Now unleashed into my mind.
My overthinking,
Over and over the waves of pain hits me.

Slipping through the cracks.
A pain.
Trying to forget,
In desperation to ignore the pain.
Thoughts racing,
Mind turning.

The pain, returning for a time.
A long time gone.
Returning yet again.
Emotions running wild.

Trying to gain control,
To gain control,
My thoughts running wild.
My downfall.

The return,
The focus,
The attempt to not see.
The attempt to forget.

Slipping through the cracks,
The defences of my mind.
A pit of black.

To wait it out till morn.
A rough night to come.
Memories of the pains of my past return.

Knew the day would come.

As all from before.
Comes slipping through the cracks.
For a time.
Before I find the path, again.
My legs to stand on.
Before then, the pain comes.
Slipping through the cracks.

Different Path

Treading down the other path,
The different path.
Away from what has been.

Unfamiliar and new,
New and in the making.
Forming it piece by peace.

Making anew,
Forming mine,
In an attempt to clear the mind’s confusion.
To fight the demons of the mind,
To clear a path through the thick fog.
Shining a light into the dark confusion,
Making a new way,
A new path.
A place to go.
A refuge for me.

Making this different path.
A fixed me.
One in the making.

Illusion of Feelings

In my illusion of feelings.
Feeling itself not illusory,
The potentiality.

Until I can’t pretend,
To myself,
That I don’t care.

Unable to chase away,
The feelings,
That warm me inside,
Light a fire in my soul.
Yet may leave me blind and lost.

The illusion of feelings.
It slips past your notice.
Until the feelings grasp at your heart.
Encircle your mind.
Keep you warm.
Until, the time of choice.

The time of choice,
Constrict or free.
To tear your heart from mind,
Or to leave you in bliss unknown.

By my side.
Quiet, pretty.

The figure of feeling,
Somewhat there and not.
An illusion unknown until the choice.
The collapse of the superposition.

To continue,
To be decided.
The warmth, addictive as it is mysterious.

An illusion I follow,
For now.
An illusion I like,
Until it pains me.

This illusion of feeling I follow,
Illusion I value.
The hope the illusion gives me.
Meaning. Hope. Feeling

Sad Beauty

Sad and in awe,
Your beautiful and don’t see it.
Kind, and funny.

I sit in awe,
Sit in pain.
Feelings awoken.
Too much to bear.

How your text lights up my day,
Grabs my attention.
And I can’t say goodbye.

All I can’t say,
To save you pain.
That I place on myself,
Happy for your feats.
Don’t want to let go.
Even if it tears my heart.

To save you pain.
A price I’m willing to pay.
For those smallest of moments.

Those lies I tell.
The truth I hide.
The truth I keep inside.

To save you pain.
To see you smile.

A sadness to the beauty,
The pain I see in you,
Those few times.

Wanting to take them away.
The want, to shoulder your burdens.
To give you smile,
As I hide my tears.
Hide the sadness.
Behind the happiness.
From those smallest moment.

All hidden,
Behind my smile.
My smile sincere.
Without saying the full truth.
A truth that you shouldn’t have to burden.

A sadness, my sadness.
Behind your beauty.
Hidden in your presence.
Hidden by your presence.

As I look up.
To see your beauty,
In every way.
The happiness and sad,
Behind my smile.

Unfeeling Pain

The unfeeling.
The pain that comes.
“Not good enough”.

The pain that comes,
Always from the meeting,
Bliss amazing,
But shrouded in pain.
Pain from the past.

Pain I wished I could shed.
Hardening myself.
From pain.
From the hurt.

My only response.
Unfeeling in my pain.
To cope.

Trying so hard it breaks me.
Hurts me.
Wish I could be better.

The only response I know is unfeeling of the pain.
The unfeeling in the face of great pain.
Pain and wanting to be better.
But constantly hurt.

Only unfeeling in the face of pain.
This unfeeling pain.

Finding Me

Finding me,
The figure standing in the pass,
The dark path ahead to navigate.

The stormy seas within my mind,
Sadness drowned out by the walk.
My path, my aim.
My only way out.

Loss, a familiar friend.
Of everything.
Friends of a time.
People I have to let go.
Others I escape.

The passing,
Into the darkness.

Upset at the lonely path I walk.

But walking with an aim in mind.

Wishing for company,
But for now I walk.

The lonely figure in the midst of night,
The star-speckled night sky.

People massing,
Time flowing.
Thoughts remaining.

An linear oblivion.

An existential pathway.

Finding me on this path.
Alone, wanting company.

But for now I go on.
Finding me.

Final Goodbye

The memories,
The little moments,
Most casual chats,
All, being nice.
Those little things.

Never seeing how others see you.
I, always wanting to help.
But it kills me inside.

My biggest fear,
Realised, in seeing you again.
But totally worth it.
You are, believe it.
But I must stop.

You’ll never know,
Never see,
How much I want to hang out.
How this question within my mind,
Bringing dread and confusion.
Weighing on my mind constantly.

What I want most,
You to be happy, healthy and moving on to a bright future.
Wishing I could be there,
But knowing, I shouldn’t.
No matter how much I want.

Having to hate you,
To save me from feelings of care.
Ashamed and hurt by this end.
But no other path before me but relentless pain.

I’m sorry.
Like you will never understand.
To my core,
But given tough choices,
A step must be taken.

Having to tear apart the best parts,
Of us hanging out.
Finding the worst,
Holding them, as if they were the only.
Will be for the best.

Me to move past,
You to work on more important things.

Wrote a while ago and found the draft of this, I poem I like and also don’t. It’s complex. Not feeling too down right now, not as much as this shows, but… it’s meaningful and was hurtful when I wrote it. Not the same as it’s published date. Wasn’t sure about publishing it.