Fighting The Demons

Fighting off the demons,
The corrupting influences,
A dark force to throw off.
A bringer of only suffering.

A powerless entity,
As I drain them of all power,
Collect my life,
Make it my own.
Bring on the coming future.
Casting out the corruption.

Detoxifying my life of all the darkness,
That the demons use to cling hold,
I’ve found freedom from the darkness.
Claimed light for my own.

Many pieces coming together,
Forming a whole,
Forming coherency,
And a brightness not seen in a while.

Such a long time I was in the dark,
Having lost the light.
Being broken, lost, hurt and inflictng what the demons taught me.
To be cast off,
I now have choice, agency.
To cast out corruption,
To throw the demons aside.

Here I fight,
To claim a happiness once lost.
To find peace, in a tumultous world.
To find love in all things pure,
As it has found me in the unexpected places.

The demons now have no hold.
Yet they will be, an ever-formative part.
Kept in check.
But having made me stronger,
Made me wiser.
Given me great pain.
I will keep them in check,
Cast them out.

Fighting these demons. I win.
Living the life I have found.
Fighting off the demons that still seek to destroy me.

Fighting off the demons.

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The Lonely Silence Of The Dark

Lonely silence of the dark,
The dark days gone past,
Those yet to come,

Waiting for those light days, the ones to look forward to.
To hope for,
To live for.

When the darkness of the night is all around,
With silence as the figure lurking in the dark.
The depths of night.
An impenetrable shroud;
Thick, dark, all-consuming.
Suffocating at a touch.

The feeling of life,
The memories returning,
But only for a time.
The deep sadness,
To accompany the lonely silence of the dark.

Mistake

Silly mistakes,
Costly ones.
Thoughts and worries,
Rushing through my head.
Unable to think or sleep.
Over what I have done.

My mistake made.
My mistake made.

The worries all-consuming me.
The crazy worries.

Unable to sleep,
For my mistake.

An error made in rush and panic.

Seemingly nothing
But the worry consumes me.

More for what it means.
The wider thoughts,
Its implications.

Lying awake in worry,
Unable to sleep.
The mistake I made.
An error of judgement.

A mistake,
And what it means.
My mistake made.

Through This Feeling

Through the feeling,

The good, bad and hurt,

All the emotions of life,

A tinge unfeeling.

Through this feeling.

An emptiness,

A feeling of lack, of less.

Beyond my explanation.

Even through this feeling,

All my feelings.

Come the lack.

Here I stand,

Unable to understand,

How feelings,

Strong feelings.

Can be accompanied by an emptiness.

A song comes on,

With all its associated feelings,

Dancing with happiness,

Crying with sadness,

Yet I still feel empty.

A confusing dichotomy.

The feeling with the lack.

Unable to fix,

Unable to understand.

Through this feeling,

My mind takes me.

Takes its toll on me.

Unable to explain.

This incomprehension,

Hurting along with the pain, sadness, anger and happiness.

Emotions running through my veins,

My heart and my mind.

All-consuming,

In their raw ferocity.

Yet a lack, an emptiness comes along with.

Looking Back Fondly

Looking back fondly,
The memories and moments once shared.
Time has passed.
Things have changed.
Looking back fondly.

Circumstances have changed,
Now is not the same,
Not alike.
I miss the past,
The time spent,
Our conversations,
What we shared.
Looking fondly back.

Maybe all an illusion.
The inevitable death that time brings.
I cannot tell.
Was it all a lie?
It all for nothing?
Was it something.
I cannot tell.
Looking fondly back.

Memories, photos and feelings,
All to remind me,
Of what I found.
What you showed me.
How I tried to help.
Looking fondly back.

Looking fondly back,
I look on through my mind’s eye,
A tear running down,
Remembering the time found and lost.
Missed, left and dying.
Like I am inside.
Making of life,
To have it ripped from my chest.
I look fondly back,
Always will,
Remembering and happy-sad.
Looking fondly back.

The Happy Tear

Happy tear rolling down my face,

A smile alongside the sadness.

My knowledge of the times.

The way it cannot be.

The estrangement,

Away and apart.

Gone and not around.

How I want to be with you.

The happy tear,

Running down my face,

Seeing you happy,

Seeing all those good moments you’re making.

Those times we shared.

Gone before I got to know you.

Ended and final.

Before I realised.

Before I realised.

It was gone.

It was gone before I knew. Before what was lost.

All the thoughts, hopes and ideas.

All turned to dust before my eyes.

The gravity hits me on high.

Rips me open and throws me aside.

The happy tears fall,

Breaking me apart from the inside,

As I smile happy,

Dying inside.

Broken and made at the same time.

Thrown from everything I have ever known.

Lost in the turmoil.

Thrown from comfort and care,

Ground to dust.

The last scene.

Your happiness,

As in my sadness a happy tear runs down my face.

The happy tear runs down.

Confused Mind

Confused mind ,

In a dichotomous state.

Happy, sad, excited and in pain.

Lost and unable to navigate the confusing confines of my mind.

Unable to translate feelings,

To thoughts I can understand.

Shifts in emotions happening at a flash,

Throwing myself into disarray and confusion.

Trying to understand my feelings,

Trying to find an answer,

In myself. My mind. My heart.

Stuck in amidst my confused mind.

Blind in life,

To my feelings and thoughts.

Unable to determine or see.

Pained by what is in my mind,

The confusion that greets me.

The hurt that remains.

Thinking and thinking.

Over-thinking.

Seeing reality for what it is,

But irrationality still affecting me.

My confused mind,

What happens now?

The broken times ahead.

My own.

Confused mind.

Feeling or Unfeeling

Question plaguing my mind,The meaning and being.The feeling,Empty and everything.The lasting question.Times which paralyse me.The answer shown.The happy-sad feeling,But feeling nevertheless.To feel,To live,To let die, but live on.My answer found,The place been.The feeling lives on.In.My answer.The feeling,Better than the lack.Better than the emptiness.Better than the end.Making me feel.Against my best efforts.A life to live,Rather than to survive.The place I find myself.The feeling that comes,The end that drifts by.My place,My feelings.The feeling of being.The me that was once lost,Once forgotten.And on I drift.It is me.The place of me.The better feeling,Than the unfeeling once known.Feeling me.A better me.The better way.This is me.The place and the feeling.The place I am.A happy-wreck.A drowned being.Overwhelmed by feeling.By being,The path outstretched,But missed.The feeling of feeling.Being whilst being.The place drifting away.Shown for nothing,While also everything.This feeling,Better than the lack.This me,This feeling,This being.I am me.All I am.This feeling.

The Problem of Being Logical.

There is a problem of being too logical, it’s like being able to see while everyone else is unable, it’s like knowing to a solution to a mathematical equation that you cannot speak  or share.

I find this in many areas, where I rationalise something from a startpoint and don’t stop until it comes to an inevitable conclusion (while also accounting for any and all gatherable information and other points of view to find the ‘best’).

The most enraging times are those when someone I know listen to my rationalisation, agree with it being the rationalisation, but still disagree due to some ‘inherent feeling’.

I would like to reiterate that I do not mean I come up with an opinion and hold onto it dearly disregarding all other views, this is not what I do. What I do is find out lots of information, let’s say about a situation, then I rationalise, let’s say, a solution or rationale. From a premise I construct a path, and keep testing each brick, each step against all other bricks and pick the one that stands up the strongest.

The worst times are when others see and agree with the construction of a rationale, using a process like I have already mentioned, however even despite total agreement. They do not accept the end argument, lacking any disputing evidence rationale or argument.

It’s also difficult when people look at what you say or write and look at you like you’re speaking a different language. You start wondering are you?

The end conclusion of this on a personal note, for most (definitely 99% at the least) interactions I speak like I have castrated my own mind for the duration of a social interaction. It is usually easier this way, there is no confusion, a conversation is held and passed. However, there is no stretch, no growth, challenge or stimulation.

The problem of being logical, of being, self-neutering to fit in with everyone else.

I also do not wish to sound pretentious or self-important. I do not value my own opinion above others, I welcome and prefer it when others prove me wrong, provide evidence or a better and more rational view, this excites me and represents growth. I love an intellectual debate, a smart conversation. Questioning reality, experience, perception, views and everything there is to know. I love teaching others or sharing my opinion and prefer greatly others to share theirs. The best thing about other people sharing their opinion (even if I reason that it’s not the best potential evidence in an argument) is that it is potential evidence, it’s another tool to be used. Knowledge providing more. Providing growth.

As always, the problem being too logical. I’m left in a world, either castrated or an outcast. Either way, disatisfied and bored.

Severing The Mind

Severing the mind,
Ending the feeling,

Erasing my appraisal,
Leaving hollow comprehension.

Emptying the hurt and angst with rage,
To then let go of it all.

To be an observant shell,
A seeing actor,
An empty being.
A barely being.

From sight of site to moving on.
To the next place,
The lonely figure, to travel and understand.

The path,
Only gained by empty sight,
Through unending emptiness,
A path gathered with the emptying of the mind.
The severing of ties,
The hollowing out of feeling.
Cannibalising my mind of feeling.

Leaving it empty and bare,
Understanding left to reign supreme.

A sense of control given this choice,
Not blocked by feeling.
Not hindered by pressure.
Only the choice given and the choice made.

The freedom for change.

The severing of the mind.