The Mask

The mask,
Hiding pain,
Rage wanting to end. Raging in a life that is my mask.

A mask, faking all is okay,
A mask that has become me,
Become my being,
But separate.

A mask so-kept it becomes true.
Hiding suffering-endless.
About time for the mask to shatter.

About time for the break.
Shattering, crashing.

Always waiting.
To break, rip and slash.
A mind to tear from my body.

A world filling my mind.
Rupturing and overflowing.

Just to tear it all out of the mind.
To keep going till nothing’s left.

Ripping and rupturing,
One more step.
One more try.

To gain control,
Make from what is all out,
To hold and make my mind heel.
To slam my head against the wall,
Ripping my mind out.
Forcing out the pain.
Pain only through the pain.

To make me feel,
To make me hate.
To make it all be free.

To hate existence and being,
Anger at my own being.
Just wanting to tear it all apart,
My mind, piece by piece.
To throw it all away.
To watch the broken pieces,
Shatter before my feet.

Oh how I wish…

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Thought today was going better, then lots of things and more and more. I should have known. Should have known. Should have known better, than for it to be better.

The Time I Try

To try,
To try through those little actions,
The reason to try,
Times I live.

To make a smile,
I do inside, beaming.
The time I try.
To give my all.
Those smallest of moments,
Of hope.

To be free.
To try my best.
To give my all,
For a smile.

To show kindness,
To be me.
All I can be.

Through those small moments,
Time and time again, I try.

To give my all,
All I can give.
My promise to you.
A promise to me.

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Wrote this, a little happy-sad, feeling much better, pondering on this, and many other things…

I was feeling a little sad, then thought back to my ‘life’ so far, thinking of the past years and the situations I’ve been in. It’s a miracle that I’ve made it this far, from primary school, finding close friends, and always find close friends rather than superficial ones, always trying my best to be a kind person. Something I try to continue to this day. Kindness being the trait I truly value most, in myself, and others. There aren’t very many people I can point to for being totally unkind, everyone has their own point of shining, a point of knowledge, help, care, kindness. I mentioned in a previous post thinking I could compile a list of people and how they’ve helped me, I haven’t, but I guess, there always is a list, in my head, memories. Kindness, is something I remember best. I can think all the way back to a teacher in primary school, being kind when I was alone, didn’t think of it this way then, another, helping me through family issues, another being confident in my own work and encouraging me to. Now I think of it, I remember a lot more of the kind acts of people that I thought I did.

My situation studying the International Baccalaureate, total stress, but diligent work, throughout, against all odds, achieveing a grade I’m not totally happy with, but a near-perfect score is difficult to attain. With even the headteacher seeing me regularly at the time the school-building was closed and locked, and encouraging me to ‘work less’, something I’m still told today all too frequently by everyone I know. Haha, times change, but some things don’t.

At the start of university, making friends I don’t have an idea how I did, many good times, and bad, but helped to change me in so many ways. Financial difficulties with no government assistance and having to finance my degree mostly myself with tonnes of support from my family, (who have always believed in me, thinking back to my cousin (many years older than me) once asking me questions, philosophical, historical, political, cultural and many others, he said, “You were always the smart one in the family”, which I shrugged off, but was touching).

Throughout my degree, I worked hard, got a good grade (not as much as I wanted, but very good) somehow managed to finance it, despite, now looking at it, being in a situation stacked totally against me. Not even being able to afford my 2nd and 3rd years or my MA without my job, which I work hard to juggle around everything.

Even to now, trying to manage, juggling everything, not having had a day off from work in over 2 weeks, and not having a day off from Uni work in, well, the last time I remember is back in January. Trying to make everything work, work my hardest, still being totally kind to everyone I meet. Even one work colleague, saying it’s nice to see something good happen to such a nice person as it doesn’t happen often. With my lecturers seeing my effort today, joking, and pointing out the path I’m taking and giving me advice for achieving it.

Feeling much better.

Path Once Tread

The path once tread,
A path forking before me,
Being pushed to decision,
A choice, mine, but also not.
Forced to take a path,
With pain either side.

The path,
Itself, shows me promise but pain on one,
Next to a barren path, of lifeless functionality.
Both paths, also behind me, chosen in a network behind me.

How I come to the forked road again,
Having already walked,
Known how both turn out,
Left with different ways,
Hurt, thinking,
But one gives me reason, but also pain.

But whichever path I’m on,
The other’s more appealing.
Despite rationalising each and how they go.

Know what’s good for me, also isn’t,
But is better than the other.

Still this question flows through my mind.
A time,
Waiting for the next time,
Only on this current path.

A single step shutting it all down,
A single step,
From the best and worst feelings, to the painless, but also all-lacking.

My choice?
My path,
A path once tread,
Still, stuck with a choice,
An impossible choice.

Choice, of a path once tread.

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Thinking, very deep-in-thought. People often try to give me advice, but it always comes back a singular aspect, a lack of understanding. A piece of advice given, consistently, may work for others, but is one thing that always takes everything of meaning from me. Leaves me with nothing. A path once tread, more than once, I’ve walked many times.

The past times that I have followed, thinking it would help, always has left me empty, dead in mind but not in actuality. Only serves to remind me, how no one understands, can understand.

People see me as crazy, loony, often hurting myself. There is a difference, this is normal, but hurt can be coped with if being meaningful. The advice people give, often, takes one pain away, by taking away the meaning and making everything into a weird state of not caring about anything, being robotic and functioning alive as a human but not wanting to.

Leaves me to a choice I have taken, thought about many times. To take a path that may hurt, but gives me a reason to keep fighting, or to take a path without the pain of the aforementioned but only by taking everything of meaning.

A life of emptiness is never better than a life of pain, if the latter comes with meaning and a strive to better.

I’m writing this, knowing how the path has always turned out, but being somewhat compelled to take the path, to leave myself with emptiness. Emptiness of everything. Happenings of today.

I do not know. My tonight’s going to be filled with pondering.

I know the outcome, as always, but the choice has to be made, not making a choice is a choice.

Feeling a little better writing this, and writing tonnes on my MoodTrack. Better, but still lacking a solution, an answer. Just happier, thinking of my best friend, the best human I know. And something they said to me, have done quite a few times, explaining stuff, helping, but never solving, much like the path I’m on even wanting the empty one sometimes. She said ‘You just see things differently’.

Will still need a lot of time tonight to think, but yeah.

New Years Resolution

I never make New Years resolutions, told all of my family since before New Years that I don’t because these promises for the year can be made anytime and a failure of a resolution shouldn’t stop you trying until the next year.

Been thinking, of a lot tonight, past, present, feelings, others’ problems, pains and troubles they’ve been sharing with me and asking for help, my best friends sticking by me, those new people; interesting, amazing, and kind and those old friends you haven’t seen in a long time who when you meet up it was like you never were apart. So much changes yet also stays the same.

My New Years resolution, more a promise:

To keep away all hurt and pain, to do all I can to help everyone who is worth it. Hurt and pain may come, it is always solve-able, to those who choose. But my promise is to only help, only solve those that are worth the pain. To help friends with anything and everything I can, to go above and beyond, as this kind of pain, even if it hurts at the time, is a pain worth the life I’m living. To help others, help myself and be a better person.

Be There

To be there,
A simple reality,
Simple comfort.

My name,
Always a message away.
Always a call away.
Never far,
When you need me most.

Being there,
What I do,
What I try.
To show the light,
As I’ve been through my own dark.

One,
Always to try and help,
Not letting any friend,
Face the dark alone,
Always there,
How far you need.
I’ll.
Be there.
For you.

Celebrating your victories.
Urging you on, in your defeats, only temporary.

To be there.
Always being there.
A pledge for myself and to you.
To.
To be there.

Promise You

Promise you,
Care to stay,
No matter my troubles I face,
I will make it through,
To bolster myself against the demons of my past.

I promise you,
Your past,
You,
All of you,
I’m there for.

To stand by you,
In the dark, cold or rain.
To be there,
To see you smile,
That next time.

Having my own demons to face.
My own to beat.
My triumph to keep.
My promise to you, and to me.

A kindness,
Promised to you.
My care,
Promised to you.
One I’ll keep.

My promise to you.
One I’ll keep.

You Won’t Break My Soul Apart

Apologies, a poem, spurred on by some videos I will embed at the end.

The first video may seem silly, but it touches on the impact of a person, the media, on society, how we can make a change, stand up against the world, for good, to make the world better, to reform it. Even if it is merely a little bit each day.

This is a long ramble of a poem, to be accompanied by a blog post which I will compile. More therapeutic than anything else.

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You won’t break me apart,
You won’t break me down,

I will keep going strong,
Will be strong,

Will stand fast,
Will stand tall.
No matter what comes my way,

You won’t break me apart.

With my friends by my side,

And me by their side.
Nothing will stand in my way.
I’ll pick up my friends,
As they pick me up.

You won’t stand in my way.
Not anymore.
Not anymore.

Your accusations,
Your negativity,
Your hurtful words:
Making me feel at fault,
Making me feel defective,
Making me feel worthless,
Useless.

You say I’m “too optimistic”,
“Too nice”
That I’m at fault.
Make me feel defective.
Caused a stir in my mind,

Dwelling on these thoughts.

The realisation hit.
All the good in the world,
Comes from this optimism you call a fault.
To see the bad and turn it good.
To see others’ pain and make it better.

You say make yourself okay before you help others- NO.
Helping others helps them, helps you.
Waiting for everything to be okay is something that won’t happen.
Make the world better.

I see the world as it is.
I choose to see it better.
Choose to make it better.
A more difficult task than accepting it as it is.
I choose to help others feel better.
You won’t break my soul apart.

I love,
I help,
I care.

You say you lost this optimism as the world broke you.

You’re at fault.

Waiting for the world to be good,
Isn’t the way to live.

Make the world better, day by day.

You won’t break my soul apart.

I am me.

You may fault me.
I am me,
I am proud.
I will achieve what I want.
I drop you and your negativity.
You won’t break my soul apart.

That’s a promise.

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The first video, started this chain of thought, reminded me, of what someone close said to me. Broke me. Made me feel I was worthless, useless, defective. Even if my closest friends told me otherwise, told me I was on the right path this person had lost. To make a difference, make a change, be ‘optimistic’ as they faulted me for. To do good by people.

Here are two songs, that I listened to and capture this poem also