Feel Myself Slipping

Feel myself slipping,
Breaking and falling,
As I’m thinking and thinking,
Wondering.

Feeling the feelings and memories slipping.
Not knowing if I should let it die.
Let my happiness die.
Leave it by the wayside.
Not knowing if it’ll be found ever again.
With nothing but hope left,
Hope that’s been long dead.
Even before I found.

But I don’t know.
Don’t know what to do,
To think,
And my brain bipolar.
Thoughts switching moods in an instant.
Breaking me apart,
My mind,
Cannot cope with the feelings,
The change.
The erratic shifts.

But I.
Cannot see.
All I can do is try.
Long after I’ve given up.
So I just go on,
Hoping my body will try.
To keep going.

All I have left,
Is the loss and pain.

I have lost.
Lost at this game.
Even the pretense,
My game of pretend,
The lie I convinced myself,
In order to convince others,
I cannot play anymore.
It takes too much.

This mood,
Takes too much out of me,
Just living,
Before doing what I need,
In order to live.

But yes.
The small moments.
A song comes on,
A thought pops in my mind’s eye.
May give a little hope,
But I see it all for what it is.
Have seen for years now,
But not wanting to ‘know’.
A false pretend,
The creation, living within,
An alternative reality within my head.

For most my life now,
I spend more time,
Living in a world within my head.
To escape the pain of life.
All happy times but one,
Only exist within my mind.
Leaving reality behind.

But even that last one,
The last bastion of happiness,
Living within reality,
Now, also, only lives within my mind.
In my memories,
My memories of a time.


Today, mixed, not the worst, but still. Nice seeing people care, my skills and achievements. But when I think of it, none of it feels like it matters. Just empty. But not the worst day ever, so that’s something?

Advertisements

I Hope

I hope,
Things get better,
Just better for us,
As the drift and fade may take.

But. I just hope.
Hope more than I can.
Hope to the whole world.
Hope,
Even as I’ll miss all the times.

Missing those such good times.
Times that’s shaped me,
Forever.

All I can,
Is hope and try.
But never forget.
How you shaped me.

Gave me hope, kindness,
That I never had.
I’ll never forget.
Can never forget this.

I never want to,
Forget the lessons shown.

Giving me such light to my soul.

Such light and hope.

I wish you every kindness,
That the world can offer.
I wish it all to find you.

I’m sorry.
That the path made was this one in end.
But not the journey, strength, hope.

A path I’m glad I found. You.
I’m glad.
You’ll never see this,
My gratitude.
The positive impact.
The hope and kindness.

But I hope the message reaches your soul.

As you’ve shown life to mine I cannot describe.


Writing this, happy-sad. Thinking, the way my life’s been changed. Been changed all for the best. Everyone working out their own things, their own journey, mine included. And despite how things appear. Mine’s been changed for the better. Purely for the better, even if I may not see it at times or many times. A special place in my heart for these times, a special place truly.

Calling Out

Calling out.
Out to the world,
That’s left me so cold.

Gave a glimpse of light.
To just rip my soul from my body.
To hurt me.
Break me.
As I tried.
I tried.
Tried to cope.

Tried to hold on,
And not to lose all I had.
But where am I left.

Either road to walk.
Only ends in pain.

Always ends in pain.
A place of loss.
Loss in the world.
Loss in life.

A continued game.
How much can be lost and lost,
Until nothing’s left.
How much can the soul take.

Watching the beauty fade from the world.
Watching life die, before your eyes.

But this is the way it goes.

Loss of the world.
Death of it all.
Sadness gripping.
Demons to return.
Ending coming.

Sadness gripping.

Watching your soul die,
Before your very eyes.

But you can’t cry anymore.
You’ve lost so much before.
You’ve got no tears to shed.

Got nothing left.

But that’s the way life goes.

Left in dust.

Losing it all,
Before your eyes.
The impossible decision.
The deadly loss.
Silent in its torture.

Sadness in its essence.

The broken lives lost.
The broken way,
The broken past.

Leading to a fractured present.

Leading to this end.
The sadness.
The pain.
The hurt.

Oh how it hurts so.
This emptiness.

Just going to watch it die.

As the body gives in.
As the mind starts to.
But that’s life.
Loss too great.

But what can be done?
What can be?

As the soul breaks.
Willpower loses.

Nothing left.

I Have The Memories

I have the memories,
The times past,
Times left in the balance.

Memories of a time.
Memories that no one can take,
That nothing can erase.

Of the times past.
From my past,
Memories that live on,
In the confines of my mind.

Pleasant memories,
Memories of kindness and care.
That I can hold on to,
Even as time fades.
Into the past,
Yet I remember clear,
Unlike any others,
Unlike other times.

But I remember,
Those times fondly.
At least these,
I have to keep.
Have these to remember and hold.

But these are mine.
Mine to keep.
Remember the changes,
How far I’ve come.

How far I’ve grown,
I’ve had to,
How care continues.
I haven’t,
Been hardened by a world so cold.
But fought to keep the flame burning bright.
To keep true.
To keep true to myself,
To knowing, to me.

To be all I can be.
To just be.


This poem is reminiscent, of an old one I wrote, many years before this blog, one that got published. I’ve grown a lot since I wrote that old one. It was a poem about memories, keeping them, no one changing or taking them.

My Escape

My escape,
From my fate,
From my life,
From being and not knowing,
From the fears and the worries.

Living a life that is not my own,
Living a life that I cannot know.
That I fear and worry about.

I’m lost.
I can’t find my way out.
I cannot find.
Cannot be.
I am worried.
Not knowing a way out,
Finding my way out,
I know,
And that’s what worries me.
Knowing my mind so well.

Knowing it and the path.
Worried about what will be.

And I can just sit and cry,
Thinking, feelig pain.

Missing my every thought as the pain swells inside.

Losing my mind,
My feelings and my will.

I can just sit still.
To ponder,
To sit and wait.
To cry and despair.

But this feeling,
One I know all too well.

It kills me inside.
Breaks me apart.
Throws me off.

Throws me out and apart.
Breaks me.
Makes me. Break myself.
Break my mind apart.
Sit and rip into my soul.

But.
I’m used to this feeling,
Used to this time.
Used to how it feels,
To rip into your own soul, mind, and heart,
To pull it out and rip it from unto your own body.
One that does not feel your own.

One that is alien to the touch,
Alien to the feel.
But you can only stand and watch.
As the actions take out.
Make their ways,
And all you can do is watch.
Having and losing the escape you try to hold dear.


Good day, feeling mixed now, thinking and overthinking. Going to visit home, has been a needed escape. I love it in Brighton, but cannot really face going back, worried, apprehensive. I can’t wait to go back, planned to, but also don’t want to. It’s too soon. I’ve never really questioned my decision to move away from home as I am now. But now I am. I can’t help. But feel sad, not for going back, or leaving home. Just deep sadness within myself, not knowing what I think or feel. What I want or can do.

Conflicted

My mind, how it sways,
How it flows and bends,
Conflicted.
My mind,
Trying to find, work itself out.

Hurting,
Thinking,
My mind uncertain.
Questioning.

Caring,
Questioning.
My mind,
Seeing such hurt,
Wanting to help,
Questions, all plaguing my mind.
My mind, a plague on itself.

Trying,
But my mind it clouds,
It clouds all over.

But the confusion persists.
It continues.


Don’t feel bad, just thinking, just conflicted, seeing a friend open up into such pain and yeah. I don’t know. I want to help. In anyway I can. That’s what I do, the thing that’s the best thing to do, to help, to care, to try. Thinking.

Sight-Sudden Panic

Sight-sudden panic,
The sensory input,
The shock,
Mind going thin,
As it all swirls,
Total loss of control.
All is blocked but the panic.

The sudden urges,
Urge to find a solution,
Then to escape.

To jump out the window,
off the boat, into the road.

Panic that kills,
Even a retrospective mind can’t calm,
It can see, but cannot calm,
Can rationalise, but cannot convince.
Stimulus playing and raging,
Again and again,
In my own head,
A shard in my mind,
One that pierces again and again,
Without an end.

Terrible torture from being,
Where a lack of consciousness can escape.

Always looking for the escape.

Hoping only for an escape,
Anything for an escape,
I’ve tried all sorts,
Only to escape,
Purpose, drugs, feelings and experiences, and nothingness.
To numb the mind down.
With few successes,
But they are found, they come at their costs,
Come with their own demons.

Leaving me,
Without an option,
Only to forward what I don’t want to do.
To live, know, feel.
All gone,
Wanting to rip my brain apart,
To take my mind and stamp it out.
Just to stop.
All of which brings torture.

If I must settle a debt with life,
Just take it all,
To settle and get out.
Deeds, costs, worths.


Been a slightly better day, but was exhausted getting home and fell asleep, when I actually needed to go grocery shopping, or photography (to make better use of a slightly better day) or going somewhere new. Didn’t do anything but sleep. Woke up to be slightly sad at this fact, got a lot of tasks done. And now, finishing some tasks a memory, image, realisation, has got me panicking, sinking and falling. It’s hard to explain the feeling of panic, like tunnel vision, within both sight and mind, the mind starts talking, the world blocked out and yeah.

With the recent panic, got me thinking, what my inital thought after my sleep after work, I woke up but wanted more sleep and eventually coaxed myself awake. Why I did, wanting an escape from consciousness. Much like me back in secondary school, at least I had the one thing to wake up to, school and my GCSEs and all other times I slept. It’s painful, as the panic sets in again, repeating over, over, and over again in my mind on repeat. Like a sadistic game.

The more I write, seeing the stimulus to my panic again and again, it taints the whole day, writing this poem, like painting while the colours change within the same stroke.

Was thinking just now, there was something that really made me happy today, I just remembered, having birthday celebrations with some close friends, belated celebrations, some messaged me about it. So looking forward! But. the panic has set in. Even now, I tear up, feeling panic, torture, completely on edge and happy. All at the same time. Heart beating hard. To try to describe, like feeling hungry and full, at peace and in pain, overwhelmed and relaxed all at the same time. It’s just so much, but as always the panic always overrides. Even as I know the cause of this panic, may be offset by why I’m happy.

Doesn’t mind, logic cannot win, the mind will crush itself, I guess like it’s used to doing. Until I get tired and give up.

I know the only way to feel better, but know its a lie I cannot take. So I relegate myself to truthful torture than an illusory happiness. Such is life.

Please Make It Stop

Please make it stop,
Take it all away.

I do not want this, Never asked for it.
A pain, so deep.
Existence futile,
Yet chained beneath.

How it forces me to wait and watch,
When all I want is to pass through, pass by.
I beg, beg, beg and beg,
Until there is nothing left to beg for.

Maybe then, after all these years,
It’ll finally be gained, earned, given.


Woke up after a nap. Still in pain. Still hate everything, still can’t feel happiness as my mind immediately kills it when I try, while I see the small ray of light.

The worse thing, I can see the happiness, it is out of my grasp, it is there and I can se, can feel before being hit back into reality, hit back into fearing. Another day to come, another time to wait. More pain as always, just waiting for it all to end.

Lost In Place

Lost in place,
All the soace around me,
Claustrophobic,
Free to move, bt chained in place,
With lots but without choice,
Mind anchoring, keeping me,
Unmotivated.
Lack of direction, lack of choice,
Makes a lead, to unmotivation.

Havig always had a goal.
Now seen to be a lie,
One I told,
To keep going, trying.
Told, to try and achieve, where not achieving was the only other alternative.
My only choice,
Taken away,
A aim I held for so long. Gone.

Now I exist in limbo,
My own personal hell.
Hoping, trying. But both fading.
I see the life drift from my finger tips,
See the hope drain from my eyes.
My soul fade from hope,
To hatred, unhappiness, emptiness and exhaustion.
All for everything,
Lies I made, needed to believe to give meaning.

A lie I thought could hold if I keep the flame alive,
I didn’t expect the sudden extinguish.

Or did I?

I think I did.
But hiding the truth when it leaked through the lie that needed telling.

A lie I needed. A lie I told.
A lie to fight the loss, emptiness.
A lie now failed,
I find myself.
Lost in place.


Amazing meal out for a friend’s birthday, haven’t seen them almost in a year while we’re all in the same city. A group of friends I almost saw every week for a couple years.

Good to see them. Really needed this, a treat, a reminder.

Still feeling lost, hurt, sad, and without motivation but small things like this, nice times are much needed distractions, things, small times, bringing me back to life.

The poem is dark, has needed to be written, about the gradual process, me since September, maybe even from 2017 a gradual decline I tried to hold back. Now the only things holding it back, my motivation, hope and idea of hard work bearing fruit. All fade, all gone, all shown as the lie I told myself to try and will a reality into being. It was worth the try. It was a good run. Still happy about tonight out, this is an undertone, a constant one for years, but at least I can replay the night in my mind, to offer what little comfort I can forge from it. To lessen pain.

Making me feel living rather than just existing.

So Many Things

So many things,
So many things, I thought I knew.
It was real,
I know now is wrong,
My disability.
My reality,
Living,
In being.

In knowing.
I should know, should see.
But yeah.
Should see…


Wrote this Friday evening after going out with some friends. Not posted this on Friday because I was too drunk. Considered it after, but had to ponder what I had written, whether I meant it.

I am still not sure. And hence don’t feel like finishing it.

Many of the things ‘I thought I knew’ can still be true, even after that night where I thought I was so wrong. But, I know my overthinking.

Feeling a little better, not as good as when drunk. But. Feeling a little better than I have in a while. I don’t know what has been up, what is up. But yeah. Will have to try.