World To Be Found

In this world to be found,
To be found of me,
By my hand, to make my world.

Walking through the fading light and fog,
Through a mist too dense to see.
Walking and hoping,
Moving on.

With everything tearing,
Breaking and hurting,
As I keep walking, trying,
In the making of this world to be found.
As I keep going.
Keep on trying,
To make my world,
Make my way.


Has a crazy busy shift today, was good though and I was on top of stuff. At the end though, worried if I did enough or did the stuff I should have. I stayed half an hour after to relax before going and do stuff I needed to do. Felt better leaving, knowing I did all I could, making a decision is better than the paralysis of indecision. Feeling a little more hopeful. After I went for a shot I wanted for a while, and in the moment it turned out worse than I thought but looking at the photo after, it looks much better than I thought. Only one issue which was I lost my tripod foot. But it was worth it. Although very annoying at the time. Feeling a little more hopeful. Thinking of my friend. Lots of stuff.

Beauty In The Sadness

Beauty In,
Beauty in the sadness,
Times, worries, hopes.
Being in the moment.
Moments to be.

Beauty in the trying,
In the triumph,
In the world and feeling.
Beauty in being,
Intricate moments,
Thinking in time.

Trying to be happier,
In the moment,
In the time,
Time passed,
Time being, feeling,
Making it,
Step by step,
Trying and trying.

Making,
To be.

Looking off into the distabce if my mind,
Thinking of the times.
Thunking of all the places
Memories,
Pains and trials.
Trying and trying to all my being can muster,

It’s about the care,
The truth,
Being,
And the times.
And so I try.
Trying to be.
To care and say.

Trying no matter what,
The darkness of the mind can muster,
Living in the care,
In the time.

To be and try,
I try, even as I may grow tired.
I shall still try.
To keep my heart and mind,
My soul alive.
And so I keep going,
To go on and try.


Writing this, a bit sad. Amazing graduation, amazing time before Christmas seeing my dad in London, amazing time back home just after Christmas, amazing time for my graduation. The end of an era. Worries, care, trying, memories. All bringing beauty, beauty in pain, and in triumph.

Withdrawn

Withdrawn,
The mind, tired of hiding behind ignorance.
Only to see,
Only to embrace,
What is never to be seen.

Horrors of the past laid out bare.
A collection. Thinking.
And I think.

Down a dark corridor,
No light to be seen.
Thought to be new,
Until I realise,
This is how,
It’s always been,
But not wanted to be.
So I chose not to see.

To turn my eye.

And try to try.

And I see it all.
Laid out.
No matter.
How I try.

Thinking.
Wondering.

A path,
I tried not to see.

Bit worried, saw my best friend after ages, felt a little out of it. Been pondering recent anxieties. It was awesome and I loved it. Can’t help wondering if I upset them. They probably would never tell me if I did. But I do.

Thinking of experience, paths, future. Thinking.

Just so tired

Just so tired,
Of the emotions,
A rollercoaster that throws me off balance,

Even when good, emotions kill me.
And when not, darkness consumes.

Just so tired of feeling,
Emotions,
Exhaustion with thinking.
Leaving me collapse,
For the thinking,
Leaves me exhausted.

Wanting rest,
From something I can’t escape,
My mind, the overthinking, people.
All contributing,
Not that I know how.
Left with an uncertainty of feeling, of being.

Never knowing what is true.
Living day by day,
Ignoring what can’t be ignored.
Trying when failing.
As living, is fighting, fighting against living.
Living a life where the mind,
It is pain. Just pain.
I seek an escape,
But none never lasts,
And here I find myself again.

Just thinking,
Questioning,
Myself more than anything.
And in pain, with every moment thinking.

As living, is fighting, fighting against living.
Living a life where the mind,
It is pain. Just pain.
I seek an escape,
But none never lasts.


Had been good the last few days, this morning was a bit mixed, thinking, overthinking and being sick of being. But feeling okay, immersing myself in photography even if not doing any today as I was too tired.

Just mixed. With these problems seems the only answer is to not think of them, as Rick from my favourite tv show says. Unfortunately not sure if I’ll be allowed.

To Try and Show

To try,
To show,
Fighting a world, that’s fighting me.
Fightin to try,
Fighting to help,
To try and show,
Exhausting, with everything,
And having to take this burden,
To just plod through the fields,
To help,
To try and help,
As I see,
Such pain others hide.
Breaks me inside.
Always has broken me.

So I try,
Try to see,
Try to feel,
Try to show,
And it breaks me.

But I try.
Try to help,
To show kindness, care.

All the pains,
As the sight in a daily grind,
A glimpse I see,
One I ponder daily,
Just to see,
And I wonder.
Sad at not being able,
Able to help,
But wanting to try,
But knowing how,
Or if.

And so.
I see and on it goes.

All and all,
Collapsing around me,
And I just watch,
Trying,
But only left watching,
As it all comes to nought,
As I try.

Trying to help yourself,
Can bring the darkness.

And I try.
Try to show,
And fought every step of the way.

Left with nothing else to try,
To rip apart my mind,
To try and show,
Try and care,
To help.

Just.
Just to try.

Cannibalising my mind, my life,
For another purpose,
To help.

But it rips me apart.
But I’m left with no choice,

To try, to show,
To fail, and try again.
I want to try,
But it’s getting harder and harder,
The uphill struggle.

Even now I don’t want to.
The feeling hurts,
I really don’t want to.

But if I have to.
If I have to. I will.
Just to try and help.

So I will.
I’ll try,
I’ll hurt.
And hurt again after.
All just to try, to show.


Writing this, had felt happy today, kinda still do, but feeling sad. Thinking. My dad’s in a rut, so is my mum. Both separated but in their ruts. I have my own stuff to deal with but I have to try and help. I help this person I barely know in America, been chatting for months I think by now? Trying to help, be kind, let them talk and confide in me. Just to try to help.

I know I don’t like talking about personal stuff to anyone but a couple of close friends. But I may have to force myself uncomfortably so to try, or at least just to try to help my dad. Maybe it will, maybe it wont, maybe it’ll only make things worse. I never have liked seeing people in pain, have been accustomed to, seem very sensitive to this overall from past memories of this and my diagnosis corroborates this.

Really hate the situation I’m gonna have to put myself in, but will do so and try to block it out of mind. Just so I can help, or try.

But really don’t know what more I can do.

Mum’s stubborn and I give help and advice and she ignores or just puts off any hope for improving things even as I try to make things into small steps to help someone to take. My dad, well, I just don’t know how to help and things just seem to be getting worse. Or maybe this is all just in my head, but I really do not know. But I’m pretty sure it isn’t.

Some friends have even said, try to help but then you have to stop to keep yourself going. That is something I’ve never been good at. Ever since I was a kid. I remember in school an uncomfortable thought from my psychology teacher who was a psychologist in a prison, he said, “there are just some people you just can’t help” and I wrestled with this idea for at least months continually after that. And still to this day apparently. I know the statement is logically true, I know my friend was right, that I can’t try to fix my parents’ problems to my own detriment or against my own life, but I don’t really see a choice. It’s the last card I have.

I don’t know, it’ll be rough. It’ll be rough on me, having to put myself into an uncomfortable place, worse that many others in the past. But I just guess I have to try, just to help. Oh well.

Year of Direction

Invigorated,
From nothing, I have found.
Once lost,
Looking on without a hope.

Knowing on from my past,
A path always lead,
Always known,
But I had lost.
Lots held, just gone.

But sitting, thinking, knowing.
From all it came,
From all made,
With what I known,
With what I held,
Without even knowing.
I have seen.

Now I find from what I hadn’t needed.
Found where to find from lost,
From when I had not lost.

Feeling hopeful,
Found,
Finding from what I always did.
A time when I had lost,
But not realised, what it was I had.

The times, processes.
The world and how it worked.

My mind may be torture,
But it is mine,
It has its benefits,
Ever-pain, but endless drive.
Hurtful pain,
It can be kept.
Left to unfeeling,
Driven past.

To find, to do, to try.
Crossing the fog,
To clear a path.
To make a light.


Been relaxing after a late shift, working, doing some app searching, listening to my podcast of productivity and thinking. Lots of pondering, thinking then pessimistically, then thinking of how far I’ve come. Thinking of the reason for this, my own effort, unrelenting and phenomenal, still with improvement to not obsess over a single task but to follow a couple for different things. Looking at productivity apps, reinvigorated.

For a little while, after Uni, and my goal for research seeming so impossible and far off. Have been just floating, trying to escape, rest, and feeling sad as I kinda gave up on all I had wanted in all but what I merely said to others.

This producivity podcast has given me hope, thoughts, something I never thought I would get into. Making a “yearly theme”. I am thinking, bursting with ideas, plans, even now I should be going to bed but didn’t think I knew the theme, I have thought and also finalised the theme I need.

The podcast is Cortex. Amazing and one of two I compulsively listen to as soon as an episode is released.

It’s my Year of Direction.
– To get productivity apps (of which I already have many)
– To solidify a workflow
– To practice and learn some Spanish each day
– To time track
– To do some photography each day
– To do some academic research each day
– To do some non-research reading each day, non-fiction learning but not research in my own specified areas.

Conflicted Mind

Conflicted,
I stand,
Set out,
Choices,
Collapsing under the weight,
I try to carry,
With no prompt but my own.

Blame I place upon me,
To hold me true,
To force me,
This pains me,
But I must.
I try.
Overthinking,
Painful,
Tearing apart inside.

No one does this to me,
For I do it alone,
But it always hurts inside,
Thinking, thinking.
Mind conflicted,
Into the night my mind must go.

And leave a question unanswered,
Wondering where to go.


Writing this, thinking, spent an amazing time with my dad, but also very worried, nervous and conflicted. I can’t go back home to live but know my dad may feel alone. Maybe. I can’t go home for Christmas and don’t mind this for myself but do for my dad. I don’t know. I worry. For most things I don’t care about myself, I can cope, make do, survive, but I care more about others. And it conflicts me totally. Always feeling my choice is always wrong.

Dad’s going through a rough time, and I feel helpless, I try, I worry. I can’t do anything. This compiles with my own worries, anxieties and then there is my diagnosis. I really try. I really do. Being hurts, it is worth it, but is painful.

Face Of The World

Face of the world,
Trying, thinking, being.
Always trying,
Against the face of this world,
Trying with,
Always trying.

As I fall,
Stumbling across,
As the mind, the face,
I try.
Always try,
As I stumble,
Thinking.
Demons there,
But I turn my back,
To try,
To be.

Always trying not to think,
A pain of overthinking,
Trying to control.

Overthinking, the poison of the mind,
I’ve tried to remedy,
To fight so hard.

As I fall, to fight to get up.
To try and calm a restless mind.

Thoughts rage, as I fight to calm,
Stumble, stumble, and fall.

Trying to fight,
To rage my soul to being,
As it all falls,
And I try to fight.
To stand,
Pulling against the chains,
Weighing me down.
As I try.

Seeimg and trying not to think.
As I fight against my own mind. My own mind now,
Trying so hard.

Against the face of the world in my mind.

The Past’s Song

The past’s song,
As time flows,
Things change,
While staying the same,
In time.

In space,
The darkness of night,
Waiting, pondering into the night,
Lights, bright to see.

In the midst of the night sky.
As it is all let to be.
To be.

The past, a song,
Playing, through time,
To see,
To feel,
To be.

As time lets it feel.
Lets it see.

In the time, making.

Looking back,
Into this past’s song,
As it plays on,
On and on.


Been an alright day, had a hospital appointment, and spent a bit of time relaxing and a bit of time on photography and at night I’m left to thoughts.

The post photo is one I took on a short walk after my hospital appointment.

Walking Away From Pain

Watching, walking,
Walking away from pain,
Looking at what is horrible in people,
Seeing, despite how hard I try.
Sometimes people are just horrible.

A hard fact to swallow,
As I hope for,
What I cannot see.
A pained song,
I listen to and watch.
See their pain,
I tried,
When noone else did.
To help,
To try to see, help,
But now I walk away.
Uncaring.

It’s one of those things,
When the hurt, hurt.
A lack of care,
Kindness,
In all those times.

Something I never wanted to do,
To walk from another’s pain.
A lesson to learn, and learn again.
People being horrible,
Some have a call, a call for help.
But no matter the try.
Some have taken this hurt,
As their mantle, as their creed,
As their infliction.

For some,
The need to walk away,
To turn a blind eye to suffering,
Trying, had tried,
Wasted my time trying to help.
Believing in goodness, kindness,
Only to see it absent.
Something I didn’t want to believe.

I,
Trying in place,
Having to own,
The failure to help,
A failure through the trying.

Riping.
Your self from self,
To fill,
Yourself, witj anger and pain.
To watch it all burn.

Knowing,
You’ve tried.
All you could.
As you turn away,
Watching it burn from behind.

Walking away from pain,
Letting them wallow,
Knowing you tried,
But were pushed away,
While asked not to go.

Pain is yours,
And yours to keep.
No more will I try,
No more will I vicariously pain,
Trying to help.

The hardest choice to make.
To leave another,
To the fires, flames and pain.

Walking away from pain,
Letting them, get consumed by flames.
As I walk, turn, Knowing I tried.
A choice I’ve fought at every turn,
But now must give in.


Thinking, angry, been an alright day, mixed, but thinking of humanity, how it’s so horrid, hurtful. Thinking of a recent hurtful person. Also of how everyone thinks, how is everyone often so content with leaving another? Letting them to pain. General gossip I hear, reminds me of this all the time. But I kind of get it now. Myself having to realise that some people are just horrid with no way around it.

A hard thought to process as, there’s no benefit to being hurtful, being a dickhead. But. I shouldn’t feel bad for leaving those kinds of people, to wallow in pain, the depths of their hell.

Just thinking of all those nights, staying up, even before work early just to make sure my friend was okay, chatting, letting them vent, trying to help, trying to be kind. And then yeah, kindness offered in life is rarely returned.

So I shouldn’t feel bad, angry maybe, but not sad for leaving them to pain. Not hurt, for wanting to help, not gonna hurt just to help. People don’t care and don’t deserve the same. Some people just need to be left to rip their own world apart. I give up trying to help.