Starving Pain

To rip apart,
To own and be my pain,
To show control and bend my will,
In any small way.

Wanting to rip my abdomen,
To rip and rupture.
To throw a fit.
Control through rage.
Anger seething beneath.
Anger at all the loss,
Loss of control,
Loss of life.

Anger and seething.
Wanting to claw my way into my mind,
Claw my way inside.
To rip apart,
Bit by bit.
To watch it rupture,
To watch it rupture,
To throw it out.
Stamp it out,
And crush it within hand. Crush it with all I have.
To rip,
Show my wrath and rip.
To feel the pain,
Pain briught just to feel,
Pain just so I can.

Tiring I falter,
But bring the body pain,
Such ecstacy,
To feel it,
To feel it rip itself inside to out.
Anger and sadness from one unholy match.
Wanting to rip it from itself,
Rip itself from me.

Rage Seethes Deep

Rage seethes deep,
Exhaustion so complete,
That a day’s sleep cannot fix.

Pain runs forth,
Rage flows deep.
Hatred of it all.
In my sleep and wheb awake.
Nothing but for sleep.
To silence a raging furor.
Settled and true in conviction.
An animal with nothing left to give,
Nothing left to settle,
Nothing to calm,
Or to lose.

Raging in the mind.
Only calming through the rage by confining it to the mind.
Letting it run free,
In the particular spheres.

As the cage unravels.
As the cage breaks apart,
Nothing but hope to prop it up.
Keeping the confines alive.

Fixing a tsunami after its commence.

To hide and hope the confines hold.
Ripping and wrathful.

An animal beaten,
Tearing at the cage,
Ripping at its captor within the mind.

Blinded by rage,
Unable to see,
To see forth.

The rage deep,
The rage setting free,
As the chains strain.

The calm of the facade,
To help keep,
To help keep.

As the flood walls break,
To rebuilt while bricks,
Are torn from.
More blocks are ripped than can be places.

Seeing the path,
The projection,
Pessimism sets in,
Like stopping a reactor after it’s gone.

All come to a tilping point,
All come to a meltdown.
To a breaking point,
To self. Ripped to,
Ripped from.
Ripping apart,
As the pain,
Tastes so sweet,
Letting go and having lost.
Losing. Losing.
Calmness faked,
Faked to keep the facade,
The cage in check.
The best rupturing,

Raging to a tire.
Pain all over the body and mind,
In totality.
The rage.
So deep.
Exhilirating in the dark pain.

Rage seething deep,
The loss of control.
Building frantically,
Cage after cage,
Only hoping to keep.
To hold and to keep.


Feeling calmer, still angry, hateful, hurt, in pain. Wanting everything to stop. So the norm. I can’t cope, know I need a change even if it means upending everything. Will definitely do this by October, my goal while fulfilling my own personal promise. I have to. Still even now. Feeling so angry at and about everything. The Walking Dead’s universe feels like it would be so good right now.

Can’t do this. Everything corrupting in my mind, had quite a lot of sleep and going to bed now for more but I’m still exhausted and really dreading work tomorrow, everything tomorrow to be honest. I guess dreading waking up, so the norm again I guess. Whatever.

Problem with calmer anger, it shows overwhelmed anger as true without the fixing of the anger. Shows it to be true rather than temporary issues or feelings going into overdrive and point to a real issue. So fucking pissed off and done. So tired and sick and tired. Can’t even think of anything I’m looking forward to, for, well any time forward from now. Which only makes me even more angry at myself, at life in general.

Bring the Pain Into Being

Bringing the pain,
Through my mind into my skin,
Never to be seen.
Scars in the mind.

As the dark smile grows,
Wanting to feel pain,
Penance tor beiny,
Rage at being.

Just to hide, before showing the colours.

As the darkness surrounds,
I have known no other,
Wanting to just rip out of me.
In pain and rage of being.

In my mind I can be.

All the faces before me.
With my given lie.
Oh how they don’t.

Broken shards in my mind, arm and body.

Oh how it all combines,
All these lives,
All in a lie.

Not knowing,
As I bring pain,
Into being.
To feel, pain that I can all bring.
Ripping my skull out of my own mind.

Just to feel angry. Sad. Hurt.

Just to bring about an edge.

Lies, told without even knowing,
Pain has overcome,
Lies they are,
But I’m so used to hiding.
So the snap-shot emotion,
To get past the question,
Years and years of practice.

A mind just to calculate,
Normality, then form a mask.

While inside the pain grows,
Making the unseen scars,
Rip across my face and body.

Bringing anger and sadness.
Till it exhausts me.
Till I collapse tired.
Till I give up.

Being, bringing pain into the mind,
The mind’s response pain, for the body only to.
Lead to it all.
Pain totality, anger and sadness.
Left hollow and lost.

Disappointment is key,
To bring feeling to this pain,
To make it whole and grow free.
A rage, a battle against me.

The Mask

The mask,
Hiding pain,
Rage wanting to end. Raging in a life that is my mask.

A mask, faking all is okay,
A mask that has become me,
Become my being,
But separate.

A mask so-kept it becomes true.
Hiding suffering-endless.
About time for the mask to shatter.

About time for the break.
Shattering, crashing.

Always waiting.
To break, rip and slash.
A mind to tear from my body.

A world filling my mind.
Rupturing and overflowing.

Just to tear it all out of the mind.
To keep going till nothing’s left.

Ripping and rupturing,
One more step.
One more try.

To gain control,
Make from what is all out,
To hold and make my mind heel.
To slam my head against the wall,
Ripping my mind out.
Forcing out the pain.
Pain only through the pain.

To make me feel,
To make me hate.
To make it all be free.

To hate existence and being,
Anger at my own being.
Just wanting to tear it all apart,
My mind, piece by piece.
To throw it all away.
To watch the broken pieces,
Shatter before my feet.

Oh how I wish…

Thought today was going better, then lots of things and more and more. I should have known. Should have known. Should have known better, than for it to be better.

Let the Beauty Cut Deep

Beauty, in the cut,
Running so deep,
Dripping in its time,
Rage and happiness through pain, Raging in life through the difference,
Beautiful, pain,
rage and happiness.

Pain and raging,
Happy in defiance,
Pain in it all,
Rage to extinguish,
All other pain,
And to smile.

Life so bloody,
My life laid to bare,
Beautiful in rageing pain,
Existing beautiful rage.
Complete pain.
To tear so deep.
Yes this is me.
To replicate my feelings,
Anger, hurt and pain,
To rip, cut and tear.

To pry from bone,
Rip my mind,
Tear at life.

Beauty of the pain,
coming and coming,
Always coming and expected.
Only to tear and enjoy the pain.

To rage and hurt.
To feel and keel over,
Smiling as I,
Fall bloody on the fall,
Hahaha as it all goes on.

Ripping all I can to forget the pain.
To forget the pain.
And enjoy,
Inflicting what I’ve stopped from others.

Pain suits me,
Hell suits me,
Pain of it all,
Let hell rage and flow over,
Letting the pain take over,
Letting the pain, rage through,
Letting the overflow.

Rage at what is known,
Letting what is known,
Rage through,
Fires bright.

Conversations of the past,
You know nothing of pain,
Poison of breathing,
Rage and death in feeling.
Breaths of killing,
Pain and death in living.

Fuck all this shit.

All of it,
Let it rage while I die.

All the shit comes,
Knowing from a mile away,
Humanity’s shit,
Its stench,
Its living, a hell it does not know.

Dying inside from the stench,
Living as in the horrific,
The humanity,
Raging in my own death.

Death of living.

Beauty of the pain cutting deep.

Let it all,
Rot in hell,

Raging against the decay,
What others, call life.

Hateful of being,
What others inflict,
Calling living.

Lies of humanity’s living.

Of being,
The lies and horrific needed for living,
Being and festering.

To rage and show I exist,
To let know.
To just let know.

Beauty found in pain.
Pain of the lies
Told just so,
Pain bringing forth the rage,
Rage to being,

To living as dying,
Beauty within,
Rage for the beauty of pain.

Trials To Face

Trials faced,
And to face,
Shouting into the night,
The will,
To bring forward.

Dragging all the pieces if need be,
Summoning rage within,
Against all that is wrong,
To make a mark,
Make my mark.

Kindness and care,
To disregard the pain,
To push aside all obstacles.

To show,
The world of dark flames.
To take a stand,
As the night calls,
Nothing to stop.
Nothing to let the darkness consume.

To take and consume darkness,
To overcome,
To bring the fight to the demons inside.
All with a try.

To bring out and shine,
To let the darkness tremble,
To drown the darkness,
Darkness to fuel resilience.

To stand and let out a light,
To let life shine.

More photography today, feeling better, including the post photo.

Defiant Rage

Defiant rage,
Raging out,
Defiant against the pain.

Holding on those good memories,
That warm against the fade.
Bringing with it a hold,
A grasp,
Onto reality.
Thinking, remembering.

Defiant against the pain and the haters.
To rip out the pain.
Violently I shake myself back into existence.

To remember, to feel.
Raging to feel alive,
As it burns against my skin.
Gritting my teeth.
Just to feel alive.

Bringing myself out of the pain,
Through the burning flames of the mind.

Letting the flames wrap around.
Creativity and life,
Burning deep.
Burning deep inside.

A defiant rage.
To feel,
Breaking out,
Breaking apart,
To feel.

To make,
Breaking off the past.

Remnants from a wretched existence.

Breaking free to find.
To be free.

Let it all out into the night.
Memories of that last moment,
Dark but also with its own shine.

Breaking free,
As I remember all those sweet times,
Slight reminders,
Bringing me back to life.

Holding on,
To the only bright light,
That I can find,
From those depths of despair.

At home.
Finding those moments,

Bringing hope out,

From those times,
Gone but for a little while,
But bringing life.
To feel alive again.
Kind, sweet, at home, and alive.
Reminder away from the pain.

The times,
Those times, those nights.
Nothing, but everything,
Everything all the same.

Feeling better, angry at the pain endured, continued, hurt but defiant all the same. Defiant to wretched pain wrought.

Defiant, but happy, remembering good memories, kindness given over a long time of being in pain. A time where I could merely be myself, open up, be nerdy and not judged. Help and in doing, also be helped. Without any intention to be helped. Kind times, just really good and nice and giving hope for the future.

War Of Mind

War of mind,
The dark sky above,
The turbulent waters,
The ocean once blue, now a bottomless black.

The mind at war,
A past, the warzone,
The continued battlefield,
Pain and suffering,
The norm.

How broken is the silence,
How destroyed is the dying light.
A meagre ray,
Dying in its existence,
Pained from its being.

The blackened velvet darkness,
A cold embrace,
Darkness realised.

When shown,
Always a killer.
Destroying one from the inside.

Breaking apart.
Ripping into.

Waiting for it to end.
The darkness, consuming,
But always an arm’s length away.

Darkness is calm,
Not what others think.
It’s calm,
It’s quiet,
It’s resolved,
Accepting of being, of pain.

Darkness goes on,
Light drowned out.

Sickness is life,
Death is escape.
A broken world only seen.
The world gone to black,
But not enough,
Not fading from existence.

Not feeling, feeling.
An empty calm void,
Holding what rage I have.
To a calm close,

Been meaning to write a poem like this for a few days. Ups and downs occurring but at least days ending well and hence I haven’t. But tonight it’s ending a bit shit. Fomo, being alone and all ‘friends’ being fake at best or worse. Don’t know, I convince myself otherwise but the signs, proof has been there since primary school and unchanging.

Ending the day a bit shit I guess.

The Last Stand

The last stand,
Feeling whole again.
Raging into the sky.
Making a last stand.

Of all the life,
Its all its turns,
A last stand.
Taller, stronger, faster.
To rage and bring this world back to life.

Making this stand.
Breaking out.
Grabbing the mind,
And shaping.
Through the fire and the pain.
To make it mind,
Bring it to heel.

Standing firm, against any hurricane.
Standing tall.
To rage throughout the night.
Care and being through all the darkness.

This pain consumed.
It all taken inside,
To be made mine.

To break apart all my weaknesses, flaws.

Broken they lie.
Triumphant again.
Where I will shine.

Rage and pain my soul,
Broken to be built.
Forged in the flames of pain-all-consuming.

Letting the light break free.
Letting it all out.

The shift of the mind.
Sick and tired,
Raging into the night sky.
Raging through,
This last night’s stand.

To stand tall.
Defiant in the face of pain.
To let be consumed,
Only to break free.
A world made mine.

Made free.
To break every bone,
Totally ripping apart my mind.
To be set alight.
Flames raging bright.

Knowing no change,
But concurrently forging a path.
Molding a mind.
In this darkness,
To flourish, conquer and to stand.
Making my last stand.

Today got better. Finally. Knew, been through terrible pain before many times. Know that I often have to self-harm within the depths of the mind. Find, be, embrace total darkness and pain totality.

To rage and break free. To show the world. Gets to one of those “fuck it, being it all on!” moments.

Went on a good long walk and took the post picture. Relaxed and did fuck tonnes on my dissertation today, enough for many days worth.