Dark Fades Into Me.

As the dark fades,
through, into me.
In the dark night.
It claims.

Let it claim me.
And I’ll rage into this dark night.
Rage till it all falls apart.
To try, to claim. To be.

A dark night. To be.

Just fucking claim,
You’ve always tried so hard to do so.
Just let it all fade.

Let it all go.

Darkness all feeling.
Sick to the stomach.
Wretching all of this living.

Mood fluctuating.
Breathing hard.
The night terrors always there.

Just let it all.
Go and leave.

Fade.

As the darkness,
Poisons my veins,
I am used to this feeling.
Of the numbing fade.

Everything.

Used to the feeling, which makes me smile.
A dark smile of pain.
My own,
Self inflicted, within the mind.

All torn apart.
As I must.

I know I must.
Rip it all out.
Let the dark consume.
And rage out.

Unable to think.
Unable.
Trying in vain.

Fuck it all.
Fuck it all to hell.
I’ll walk straight through those flames. A warm embrace I already know.

All done and empty.
Let the rage out.
Let the sky rage bright,
Let it all go.

Not even knowing where I am.
Raging as this life breaks me,
Again and again.

Always breaking.
Just let it rage.
My mind a breaking wreckage,
Of flames and destruction,
Calming in some way.

But that’s it. Fading into darkness, it fading into me. With a smile of pain-totality.


Lots of things. Lots. Always lots. In pain already and a night out I was looking forward to. Got ditched. A message left unanswered. Used to this. Some close friends. But yeah. Always forgotten. All getting too much.

Sitting on a bench drinking, smoking, with nothing left. Everything gone.

I don’t even really care. Just unfeeling. Sad but also just so numb. Don’t even feel drunk. Just done and empty. But yeah.

This Is Not Me

Rise up against this gravity,
Throwing down the past.
Thrown up, in this revelation.

The world in place,
All the recurrences,
Plague of the light.
A light shining to throw away the shade.

The song sounds low,
As being sets in.
The scene, of life.
The horizon in sight.

The sun rising high,
The remnants of the world,
With darkness put aside.

Throwing out there,
The self, power and rage.
To live, to stand.
To make a place.
Against the darkness of the rage.

Standing against the darkness,
The demons that had their grip so close,
The demons within my mind,
Pushed back and out.

A life-line, glimpse into the world.
To grasp-hold,
To make way.

To take part.
Make whole.
Embracing all there is,
What is good, when nothing is left.
This is not me.

This is not me.
In an effort, to find me.
Rage and move into light.


Writing this, after work, felt rough. Been writing this for a couple hours on and off from procrastination on my dissertation. Had a revelation, that’s turned everything down. Something so clear but also not. Something I never thought, tried not to. For its implications about life, people and outlooks. It’s clear, and I’m feeling better, but also hurt by how the world can be sometimes. But knowing. At least knowing.

Mind’s Outspin

Spinning,
The mind in tired panic,
In tired overdrive.

The mind tired of spinning.
Panicked darting,
Trying to calm the panicked spirit inside.
Flesh weak for the mind’s resolve.

Tired of spinning,
Feet tied in place.
Trying to run.
This will pass,
In time.
For the meantime,
Waiting, trying to calm,
The mind’s outspin.

Its raging torrent.
A storm of all proportion.
All-consuming.
Raging against the self,
To throw the mind to one side.

Violently raging,
To find the light.
One that came and left.

Raging to find.
To piece together.
To calm, collect and rage into light.

Desperation great,
To look, to find the place.
Finding, looking, trying.

To claim this place,
The calm pond,
The place to find once more.
To be and make.

In this mind’s outspin.


Just tired, trying, tired of the mind spinning.

Perspective

Perspective in time,
Through the fire
And the raging flames.

Gaining greater chance,
To try, to be,

In this world,
A many-forked path,
The path to walk down.

The stayed hand to gain.
The path so fine,
To be, feel and see.
Along this path walked.

Being in this place.
Opened,
The mind.

Raging against the pain,
Making this mark,
Making it my own,
Staking myself. Into this world.
My place held firm.
The world to recognise.
Nothing else to define me.

My own mark to define the world in front of me.
Standing tall.
Raging into the world so bright.
Making the light shine for me.

A place to be.
A place to call.
A place to stake a chance.
To bring it unto me.

Perspective,
In this place,
Oh how time tries to define,
Tries to make.
I shall stake a claim.
To make a mark.
To do it all,
Try it,
I am here. My own.
To make the chance,
Take a stand.

Time to rage against the pain.
Standing tall,
Standing proud.

To take a stand,
With those I care,
Who care the same.
Nothing to stop or beat me.

Life and its bliss,
At it’s best.

A perspective gathered,
Raging the pain,
In a upward struggle.

To give, make and shine.
To leave a mark, in kind.


Inspired by a friend, been a good day overall, feeling defiant. Raging against the pain. Making a stand, being, living, life.

Rage Through The Soul

Rage through the soul,
Upon those darkest days.

Throw me what you got!
I’ll throw it back harder!

All the fury,
At trying,
When it is thrown, back into my face.

Rage and anger,
When it is all done.
Rage against the dark,
Those who hurt,
Who try to crush me.
Who breaks into me.

I shall not falter.
I shall not.
I will not.

Hurt. When it all comes.
I try.
It is hurt, broken.
Hate for all.
Breaking away from my pain.
Defying all, as I merely try,
Only to be hurt, insulted.
Rage, fills my soul.
Fills my mind.

Anger at the inconsideration,
The horrible moments,
When those try to crush you.
Filth, fed up.


Wrote this, a rant. Had a very shit day at work. Started okay, as usual, a bit worried, but it was all due to me trying, trying to be better, to work. This is okay, I bring it on myself, as I always try to be better. However, what was horrible was something someone said. Accusations, blame and horrible. Harboured rage and hate for over 4 hours after. How rude! I tried! Tried and was given accusations. Especially who it was, they have a lot to talk about!

Total rage, a person, in their criticism, the most hypocritical. Stupid. Hating trying and being effectively told to fuck off. Terrible, horrible. Leaving me seething. Wanted to just quit on the spot.

Luckily, one thing I’ve learned well, is holding your tongue. It only ends up worse anyway. For the first time, thinking, it’s not worth it. Horrible. Makes all I was okay with terrible, lots of things I was looking forward to, empty. The year not starting, and I already want it over.

No words to describe my outrage, disappointment! Horrid!

Calmed down slightly, since, but still. I cannot forget. Horrid people. This is something I will not forget. Horrid people, with false and unknowledgable accusations, making untrue and uninformed assumptions, coming into something, not knowing and pretending to know all, to enforce.

What’s worse? The rude, uninformed assumption. I’d be okay with a question to make sure, a tiny piece of effort to become informed. But as usual, an example of coming out of nowhere, making an assumption on nothing and pretending it’s law, trying to pass it off as such. Something my Gran always used to say, ’empty vessels make most noise’. Raging at the moment.

Worse still? Fucking simple, kindness, a kind request, for information, or request for a task. Rather that walking it and making it all up, demanding. What I slightly feared, what many feared in leaving, well. Shown to be true. I am not looking forward. I tried to calm down, watching TV. But as usual in my head, nothing changes that this happened. I’m fuming. It will pass. The memory won’t. It never does. Kindness, it doesn’t cost a thing. Nothing. Yet for some it is too much to ask. These are moments when I’m truly sad, at how horrible humans can be, how they can show a lack of consideration.

Especially due to my own preconditions with certain codes I hold myself to, a lack of consideration, is something I see all too often, to say every hour would be a underestimate. But I’m aware of my weird code I hold myself to and that it doesn’t hold true to others. But. At least basic kind consideration. Maybe not as far as my level (probably too much), but maybe something showing consideration of another person’s humanity. It this too much to ask.

When You Feel Like Letting Go

I am here,
Through those moments,
When you feel like letting go.
Those moments, as they’ve faded.
The mind in its torturous state.
Listening to this silence,
Throughout the cold.

Trying to find the feeling.
A world so alien.
Laying awake.
Broken and turning.
Anger and sadness my only greeting.

Rage to be,
My only feeling.
The only one wanted,
To make the feeling pass.

To try and feel something,
Against the cold wind,
Blazing across my face,
Standing,
In defiance of my sadness,
Yet it is within.

The cold wind only,
Darkness an only greeting.
To this loss of feeling.
Raging against it all.
Trying to find.

Raging across my mind,
Ripped apart,
Trying,
To defy even though it never works,
When you feel like letting go.


Writing this, thinking, like before, listening to Alone by RED

Trials Of The Times

Trials of the times,
Pain of the world,
A trial for the times,
Broken by others’ lies.

Broken words,
Empty lies,
Left in a state of limbo,
Trying to try.

Losing the will,
As this world of flames,
Burns my flesh to the core.

Empty lies,
Leaving a soul broken.

Raging into the night,
Soul set alight;
Burning in those flames.
Angry at the world,
Injustices all too common.

Broken world.
Corrupt being.

My life,
Battle against the fore,
Clawing onto something at all.
All for.

The trials of these times.
Raging against the machine.
Angry at the world showing true colours.

The world of the broken,
You submit,
To persist this breaking.
I ask why!
Why!

Raging into the night.
Against this machine so vile.

Represent, the world broken, corrupt and breaking.
Lies your only currency.
That simple excuse.

These trials of the times.


Been thinking of a poem like this for a little while, on and off. Many people showing me the worst of humanity. The basis, of the worst there is. Empty lies, deceit, a lack of kindness or honesty.

A lot of my recent work has been studying discontent and I see all this and relate. Why the world, many people persist what they hate. Cause what they blame. And commit what they say pains them so.

Many people see me and call me naive. Don’t mistake not wanting to see the worst in people for not seeing the worst. It’s my way of trying to go about my day, having to pretend not to see, otherwise I would probably go round hating everyone. Go round hating and not wanting human contact at all.

Bit of a random rage piece.

Find Themselves Again

The chat, a kindness.
Helping, waiting, thinking, doubt.
Times of uncertainty, in all of our lives.
Friends by our side.

Strength gained from the fight,
The struggle to hone,
To strengthen,
To harden.
To break free.
Raging against that coldest darkest night.

Waiting to find themselves again.

Finding that darkest time too hard,
But battling a bit at a time.
Friends by the side,
Helping, thinking, supporting.

All the while,
A support,
Help,
To find themselves again.

This is the path,
Times lost,
Times found,
All the parts between,
The pain, joy, sorrow and regret.
All a trial,
A gust to blow away.

The response of rage,
Nothing to step in place,
Nothing in the way.
To stand up.
To stand against,
Until.
They’re found,
To find themselves again.


Inspired by something I wrote to a friend, inspired the title, and the poem came naturally, as all mine the meaning kinda changes as I’m writing it.

From one I written thinking about someone else to one again to do with me.

How To Break From – Part 2: The Return

A path left open,
Another shines the light.
To give you reason.
To climb out of the darkest depths there are.

Not to give you life,
To give you strength,
To go grab it for yourself.

Shining on high.

With their own demons.
But able to shed light.
To pull another,
From their darkest depths.
To make a return.

A return to life,
A return to existence.

In the mere little moments.
A world in my eyes.
For giving me the smallest moment,
Is a break from…
The world of darkness.

The Angel of my eyes.
For giving me a chance,
For giving me.
Strength to make my return.

 


A poem, I wrote thinking of you, of how you helped me, more than you know, more than you’ll ever know.

I found my strength,
As you opened a hand out for me.
With a mere smile, a ‘hello’.
A kindness, I remember with all my heart.

Written 30/Oct/2017 1:50pm UTC – Unsure when I’ll publish this.

How To Break From – Part 1: The Break

The break.
To turn the mind against itself,
To make constant pain for itself.
To break oneself again, and again.
Any feeling to be broken down and apart.

To story of breaking from.

To see them.
The mind fills with pain.
The hands shake uncontrollably,
With heart beating fast,
Almost bursting out your chest.
Having to turn away and run.
The mind plagued for a time after.
The memory,
You apply the pain to yourself.
Until it’s what you’re used to.

Living in pain.
Until it’s all you know.
A daily torment of the mind.
Eventually, it becomes you.
The ever-pain.
Going through life like a ghost.
Wanting to move on.

All the pain.
From your own hand,
Your own making.
To break from.
Allow a movement away.

Turning a good memory, toxic,
A kindness, harsh,
The fun, a form of torment.
An architect of my mind,
Turning it all against me.
Left alone, a demon in the dark.
Clawing out,
Clawing in.

Until the feeling stops.
Not only one,
All.

 


For my friend on Moodtrack. Who is looking for a way to get past, looking for a way to break from.

This is how I did.

It works, but it takes its toll.

It’s a method, I wouldn’t recommend to anyone, hence I haven’t mentioned it to you if you’re reading this.

Truthfully, it’s like death.
To escape death.
A death of the mind, but continuation of the body.
Feeling an empty vessel.
Devoid of all emotions.
Left a wasteland,
As I had torched my mind.
Of the memory,
Of it all.

It’s not all totally depressing. There’s a second part, first is the wrecking, tearing yourself apart from within the mind. Turning everything sour and dark. But after, in my experience, a rarity, but happens by chance. If you leave a path for someone else to walk. To take a peak, to reach in and, give you light. So you can climb out yourself.

Written 30/Oct/2017 1:30pm UTC – Unsure when I’ll publish this.