Mental health journey.

Just a post, been listening to a YouTuber over the last couple of days I like and relate to, they had a video about their eating disorder and made a song to cope with it. I’ve wanted to for a little while make photo compositions with a messages about mental health.

Listening to the YouTuber’s song over and over has given me a sudden realisation, financial struggles in my first year, actually brought about an eating disorder. I have never thought about it. I always thought about it only being about control but control of physical appearance, I’m a little self conscious, but gradually I’ve numbed my mind to this. But the lack of financial control, and my continued (although not starving now, but probably eating far less than I should, even today) ideas about financial stablility and anxieties can contribute to a similar feeling of a lack of control.

In first year it was terrible, I don’t even know how it started, I was really poor, transitioned for weeks and weeks without break eating only tinned food, then trying to cut costs changing to cheese, butter and pasta and then just to butter and pasta.

It’s hard to explain, thought processes that still occur in my head, ideas like in my first year where “oh, I am eating butter and pasta, do I need butter?”.

Then I started starving myself, started off to save money I barely had. I didn’t have. And what I did have was financial help from parents which I appreciated but felt a burden (despite knowing they’d rather I be okay but yeah, never will tell them).

I guess trying to take control of the situation, even thinking now, it sounds a nice idea, but yeah, not a good one. But then it morphed further into wanting more control, not only the financial but trying to push the number of “days without eating” greater and greater. Like the feeling with video games wanting to get a higher “score”. I wanted to push the limits of my body. To show my body that my mind has control. The YouTube video addresses this and finally it has hit me. Something I never thought.

Not going to lie, have had urges to try and go back. I lost 10kg when I went home for Christmas after a couple months of this at most, and my family were worried about my weight loss. Even to this day looking at the memories, I saw I lost weight which I liked. I was and am still glad. But I didn’t see myself looking as “thin” as my family said.

It got so bad once in first year, where I was getting up in a lecture after sitting, and I immediately sad down, feeling faint, dizzy and out of breath. I recognised then it wasn’t sustainable but didn’t have financial control and couldn’t.

Did I “get over this”? Truthfully, probably not. If circumstances with getting a job I would almost definitely have continued this. Even now my mind can put itself back, I can hear my mind saying “and if I did I would show my body how I could go further”.

Conflicting, how the mind can see something wrong but also see it as right and okay.

Reminds me of something I can’t explain.

Always kinda known I had Autism, but ignored and tried not to think of it between like 7 and 22 because it “wasn’t curable” (my mind at 7).

Anxiety, someone described behaviour I explained as anxiety and I had never thought of it as such. I always thought the feelings of it were (as described to me) as death, like a heart attack (not how I feel it). So I thought my thoughts were normal. Although thinking now, clearly they were not. Like a mind, brain, eyes, all running at 300 miles per hour, focussing on everything instantly all in a moment but not able to do anything as anything takes more time than the instant. My mind raging, thinking, swearing and hating. I probably should have seen this as not normal.

Eating disorder, I didn’t see it as normal, but something I had to do. Easier because of less parental presence when I moved to Uni. I never thought of it as a disorder, probably for the same reason, it is a disorder but a choice to regain control. To show my body my brain was in control. Even until now I have always thought of it as a choice, I even now find it hard to think of it as even potentially an eating disorder as it wasn’t really about my weight (even if weight loss, even as I see it now) was a bonus.

Even thinking, the financial stress was higher again (nowhere near as bad) in my 3rd year also stress with post-Uni life and decisions and workloads and my own unhealthy obsession with forcing myself to work harder and harder. All got me to try to starve myself again, luckily for me I never made it past 4 days consecutively a couple times over a month. It is not a nice feeling, the hunger, but it gets easier to ignore. But it is somewhat addictive the feeling of control. I finally understand things from a new light I have never seen them.

Just ruminating.

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Withdrawn

Withdrawn,
The mind, tired of hiding behind ignorance.
Only to see,
Only to embrace,
What is never to be seen.

Horrors of the past laid out bare.
A collection. Thinking.
And I think.

Down a dark corridor,
No light to be seen.
Thought to be new,
Until I realise,
This is how,
It’s always been,
But not wanted to be.
So I chose not to see.

To turn my eye.

And try to try.

And I see it all.
Laid out.
No matter.
How I try.

Thinking.
Wondering.

A path,
I tried not to see.

Bit worried, saw my best friend after ages, felt a little out of it. Been pondering recent anxieties. It was awesome and I loved it. Can’t help wondering if I upset them. They probably would never tell me if I did. But I do.

Thinking of experience, paths, future. Thinking.

Just so tired

Just so tired,
Of the emotions,
A rollercoaster that throws me off balance,

Even when good, emotions kill me.
And when not, darkness consumes.

Just so tired of feeling,
Emotions,
Exhaustion with thinking.
Leaving me collapse,
For the thinking,
Leaves me exhausted.

Wanting rest,
From something I can’t escape,
My mind, the overthinking, people.
All contributing,
Not that I know how.
Left with an uncertainty of feeling, of being.

Never knowing what is true.
Living day by day,
Ignoring what can’t be ignored.
Trying when failing.
As living, is fighting, fighting against living.
Living a life where the mind,
It is pain. Just pain.
I seek an escape,
But none never lasts,
And here I find myself again.

Just thinking,
Questioning,
Myself more than anything.
And in pain, with every moment thinking.

As living, is fighting, fighting against living.
Living a life where the mind,
It is pain. Just pain.
I seek an escape,
But none never lasts.


Had been good the last few days, this morning was a bit mixed, thinking, overthinking and being sick of being. But feeling okay, immersing myself in photography even if not doing any today as I was too tired.

Just mixed. With these problems seems the only answer is to not think of them, as Rick from my favourite tv show says. Unfortunately not sure if I’ll be allowed.

Beauty In The Feeling

In this feeling,
Present in the moment,
A shining light,
Beauty, in the feeling,
The sad and happiness,
Beauty in being, in feeling.
Being swallowed whole,
Its individuality, collective experience,
A world experienced,
World on show,
World felt and getting to know.

An experience,
A memory,
The pain, hurt,
All just to make,
To share, feel and see.

Just to hold on.

As the world shines,
Radiant even when alone,
World as it shines.

Making it whole,
Making its worth.

As it goes,
To feel,
Experience,
A beauty in the feeling.


Writing this, feeling mixed, weird. Been watching a lot of YouTube videos about photography of all types and what I want to get more into. It’s been really weird, totally alone for Christmas, weird, but surprisingly okay, but also weird. Just feels like another day. I know it is only just another day, it’s people and societal constructions that make it ‘special’.

What’s got me amazingly happy, mixed and feeling, thinking, thinking of photography, my photography and philosophy of my photography; to capture a moment, it’s feeling, sight, memory and warmth. Just reminds me, the thing that made this Christmas really good, quite sad haha, the friend I wrote my last poem about, messaged me at like 3am on Christmas Day (time zone difference) and yeah, haha, were the first and probably only person really to wish me a happy Christmas and we chatted for a bit. Haha, feeling a little crazed happy, feeling, feeling and thinking.

Which leads me back to thinking of photography. Just the feeling it can produce. Thinking of my photography trip, seeing people together and some alone, kind people and showing kindness to random people I met, feeling of experience, being, a commonality of experience of humanity while also individuality. As humans, all problems and toils, individual as they may be, somewhat cathartic knowing you’re not the only one going through anything. Something I’ve been trying to help family members understand, somewhat validates and provides some small beauty, comfort, against the pain.

So mixed but happy, and deeply pondering I get distracted when writing. Will spend a while tonight deep in pondering.

The picture is one of my favourites, taken by chance, the person got in the way of the shot I wanted, but makes it infinitely better, and I’m so glad. This is the proof, to the beauty of being, feeling, capturing and also beauty in moments of pain. Even if it never feels like it at the time. Collective experience, being, individuality. But I guess I need to finalise this post or I could write for hours.

Missing

Missing,
The time, the place,
All that time ago,
So much has changed and gone.

Always good to see,
Missing the time,
As the sun shines,

My eyes to capture the sight,
To live, in the moment, in time.
Here I am,
To see,
Witness.

To ponder,
To strive,
A world better,
All making,
In the making.

In the world so light,
To weather the storms,
To try,
Against the dark storm clouds,
Only to end up past.

To see,
To feel,
To make and be.

And as I recall,
Missing,
I remember,
I see,
And filling,
With joy,
As I remember,
So many times past,
So much fun,
And only onwards,
On into the future.

To make,
To be,
To live.

Better than before,
Stronger and free.
Missing,
But better,
And being.


Has a pondering day, good day of more photography. But, feeling, missing a friend of mine who’s on an amazing trip abroad and always cool when we chat, about our art, about random stuff. Thinking back. Feeling good.

Year of Direction

Invigorated,
From nothing, I have found.
Once lost,
Looking on without a hope.

Knowing on from my past,
A path always lead,
Always known,
But I had lost.
Lots held, just gone.

But sitting, thinking, knowing.
From all it came,
From all made,
With what I known,
With what I held,
Without even knowing.
I have seen.

Now I find from what I hadn’t needed.
Found where to find from lost,
From when I had not lost.

Feeling hopeful,
Found,
Finding from what I always did.
A time when I had lost,
But not realised, what it was I had.

The times, processes.
The world and how it worked.

My mind may be torture,
But it is mine,
It has its benefits,
Ever-pain, but endless drive.
Hurtful pain,
It can be kept.
Left to unfeeling,
Driven past.

To find, to do, to try.
Crossing the fog,
To clear a path.
To make a light.


Been relaxing after a late shift, working, doing some app searching, listening to my podcast of productivity and thinking. Lots of pondering, thinking then pessimistically, then thinking of how far I’ve come. Thinking of the reason for this, my own effort, unrelenting and phenomenal, still with improvement to not obsess over a single task but to follow a couple for different things. Looking at productivity apps, reinvigorated.

For a little while, after Uni, and my goal for research seeming so impossible and far off. Have been just floating, trying to escape, rest, and feeling sad as I kinda gave up on all I had wanted in all but what I merely said to others.

This producivity podcast has given me hope, thoughts, something I never thought I would get into. Making a “yearly theme”. I am thinking, bursting with ideas, plans, even now I should be going to bed but didn’t think I knew the theme, I have thought and also finalised the theme I need.

The podcast is Cortex. Amazing and one of two I compulsively listen to as soon as an episode is released.

It’s my Year of Direction.
– To get productivity apps (of which I already have many)
– To solidify a workflow
– To practice and learn some Spanish each day
– To time track
– To do some photography each day
– To do some academic research each day
– To do some non-research reading each day, non-fiction learning but not research in my own specified areas.

Even Though

Even though,
I try,
I be.
Experiences,
It all occurs.
A holiday.
To truly see.
To appreciate,

It all allows me to see.

Even though,
All the times,
The being,
Living in the time,
It all allows me to see.
To put into perspective,
As I try.
Allows me to try harder,
As I can see.

It all.

It all.
Allows me to see.

Trials,
Trips and ponderings,
As I.
Can be.


Amazing day, amazing chat with an old friend I’ve wanted to see for ages, amazing times and feeling grateful for an amazing boss and all the amazing people at work. Amazing! And excited for a film in the cinema to see! So good!

Conflicted Mind

Conflicted,
I stand,
Set out,
Choices,
Collapsing under the weight,
I try to carry,
With no prompt but my own.

Blame I place upon me,
To hold me true,
To force me,
This pains me,
But I must.
I try.
Overthinking,
Painful,
Tearing apart inside.

No one does this to me,
For I do it alone,
But it always hurts inside,
Thinking, thinking.
Mind conflicted,
Into the night my mind must go.

And leave a question unanswered,
Wondering where to go.


Writing this, thinking, spent an amazing time with my dad, but also very worried, nervous and conflicted. I can’t go back home to live but know my dad may feel alone. Maybe. I can’t go home for Christmas and don’t mind this for myself but do for my dad. I don’t know. I worry. For most things I don’t care about myself, I can cope, make do, survive, but I care more about others. And it conflicts me totally. Always feeling my choice is always wrong.

Dad’s going through a rough time, and I feel helpless, I try, I worry. I can’t do anything. This compiles with my own worries, anxieties and then there is my diagnosis. I really try. I really do. Being hurts, it is worth it, but is painful.

Unforgiving Perspective

Unforgiving perspective,
One I try,
I owe, to do my best,
To try and make the world better, Brighter,
Because…
I owe.

I try and owe this.
Unforgiving,
Myself.

Even if all is okay,
In my head,
The overthinking,
It isn’t. It isn’t enough. What I do.
So I try, try and try.
Always wanting to do more.
Always oweing more.
So I try.

On with an unforgiving perspective.
I owe.

What’s worst,
If all is okay and well.
I hurt,
I, not hurt.
But want to do more.

I feel I owe.
I try.
And am never satiated,
Always unforgiving,
That I don’t do enough.

A story, perspective, on my life.
Always trying my best,
But never satisfied.
So until then, I try.
And want to try and do more.

A world away from the past.
How far I have come.
So much done,
That felt impossible.
I try.

But always unforgiving with what I try.
The trying.
Willing myself to action.
To try.
Fulfill a debt I have placed on myself.
Being.
Trying.

I try.
I hope its enough.
I try.
Though I never feel it enough.
So I try.
Try,
Keep on trying.

I owe.

Even as all is okay, I owe.
I feel,
I try.
But unforgiving in perspective.

Trying, to find a way,
To know,
To forgive myself,
To know,
To be.
To feel,
Okay, with trying.

I think. Feel. Try. And be.

But the perspective doesn’t leave me.
It doesn’t.

For many years,
This.
I try.
All I can do.
I need to.
Need to try harder.

Each memory, thought, burned into my mind.
Wanting to try harder.
Hurting.
Even as all is okay.

I don’t know.
I need to.


Writing this, thinking, mistakes. How I can’t forgive myself for many things even though I really know I should. I should.

I try, never feel it enough. Constantly reminded I know, I work, I’m friends with amazing people. Even if nothing is wrong, I don’t feel okay, don’t feel I’m doing enough. Even though I try. Even if no one’s said anything.

Don’t know, I forgive others without a second to think, but myself I cannot. I know I should. But yeah.

Thinking of my past, what was impossible and I have succeeded with a lot of it, going to Uni, doing any of it. Having got a job. So much. So much I’m grateful for, eternally grateful, but even having got so far, I can’t forgive myself.

Thinking of my diagnosis, and an article I read about Autism that had a high percentage of people with it cannot get a job, find it difficult doing simple things. A lot I’ve managed, with help from all amazing people. Yet I cannot give myself some slack. Maybe I should? I don’t feel I should. I owe it, owe everyone. But leaves me to being unforgiving of all I do. Not feeling I’m doing enough, even if I know it’s all I can. Always trying.

Everything is good, writing just thinking, of how I’m too harsh on myself but I really can’t help it. Never have been able to. Since I was a very very young kid. I don’t know. So I try to make up for it. Something I always thought of, as a penance, something I owe.

Yet I can’t forgive myself, even if I try my best. Everything is going okay, but still, the overthinking. I really can’t help it. I try. But my trying never amounts to as much as I really wish it would.

So I try. I keep on trying. To maybe come close to what I feel I owe, I try.

And I hope it can be good enough. Even if it is, I never feel it is. Oh well. Overthinking. Always.

People often don’t get my way of thinking, years ago, drunk, I told a boss I try, because I owe it to my job, I would have had to drop out of Uni if it wasn’t for my job. This isn’t why I got it, but every day I feel I owe. So I try. And always feel I owe more, need to try more.

Everything is okay, just overthinking. Always. But I try. It’s all I can. I can only hope all I can is good enough.

Picking The Times

Picking the times,
Picking them out,
A wealth of feeling,
All the options open,
Without any choice,
Collections from the past times.
From it all now gone,
Now not.

Feeling to pain,
Good, bad and all in between.
Pain. Total, eternal.

Asking how,
Even the best feeling causes pain,
And off,
I am.
Thinking, feeling.

With the picking of the times.
A test,
Reliving,
Refeeling,
A moment playing over and over again.

So many,
All there,
A lifetime away,
But a second away within the mind.

In the mind,
Away from the eyes,

Oh how it goes,
A time,
Picking and choosing,
Picking of the times.


Today’s been good, thinking, felt sad and really happy at times, constantly switching. Imagine, picking an emotion, a feeling, like a book off the shelf, with a memory, a large collection you can pick anything, any feeling. But I say, you can pick, but without choice of what is chosen.

A memory for every feeling, every emotion. Been thinking on this for hours and hours now.

For many years, if not my whole life, always could have mood changes, from an extreme high to a extreme low, in the time it takes to have a single thought. A thought.