The Lonely Silence Of The Dark

Lonely silence of the dark,
The dark days gone past,
Those yet to come,

Waiting for those light days, the ones to look forward to.
To hope for,
To live for.

When the darkness of the night is all around,
With silence as the figure lurking in the dark.
The depths of night.
An impenetrable shroud;
Thick, dark, all-consuming.
Suffocating at a touch.

The feeling of life,
The memories returning,
But only for a time.
The deep sadness,
To accompany the lonely silence of the dark.

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Out Of Mind

Out of mind,
I hide the feelings,
Scared of where they could take me,
Offered care and kindness.

Trying to keep the pain out of my mind.
To keep in the happiness,
A game of pretend,
To ignore my mind and emotions.
The pain that comes with darkness.
The shining light, that echoes in the darkness.

The mind, clouded with worry, sadness and uncertainty.
Trying to push all feelings out of mind.
Trying to save myself from my demons.

An attempt to hold strong against the dark.
To keep the leeches at bay.
To wipe my mind,
To save the body.

Out of mind is the answer,
Or it must be,
The solution I face,
Only way past it.

Out of mind.
To cope, to save me.

Mistake

Silly mistakes,
Costly ones.
Thoughts and worries,
Rushing through my head.
Unable to think or sleep.
Over what I have done.

My mistake made.
My mistake made.

The worries all-consuming me.
The crazy worries.

Unable to sleep,
For my mistake.

An error made in rush and panic.

Seemingly nothing
But the worry consumes me.

More for what it means.
The wider thoughts,
Its implications.

Lying awake in worry,
Unable to sleep.
The mistake I made.
An error of judgement.

A mistake,
And what it means.
My mistake made.

Missing You

Missing you,
Those times we shared.
The feelings encapsulating me.
Hoping for the the next time.

Showing me the way,
The value of living.
The smallest of moments,
Meaning everything.

Showing me,
The value of living.
That happiness of life.
All it has to offer,
All I have to give.

Giving all I have,
Showing the world my passion,
My strength.
My love.
Having found the way,
Difficult but worth it.
Happy and sad.

Missing you.
As I miss you,
Building my path, my future.
Hoping to see you again.
But until then.

Until then.
While I miss you.
Making a life of my own,
One to make me proud,
Make everyone proud.
As I will be.

My eternal gratitude,
Ever yours.
For what you showed me.
How you helped me.
All we spoke about.
The feeling.
That wonderful feeling.
Missing you.

Missing you.
I lie awake,
Thinking,
Missing you.
But happy.
To have gotten to meet you.
To have found salvation.
A way out of my sadness.

Finding life.
As I’m here,
Missing you greatly,
I’m better,
I’m living,
I’m happy.
But I miss you.
But until we meet again.

Missing you


A poem the person will never see,

Happy-sad, a really good feeling.

My dedication to someone dear and special to my heart.

Wandering

Strolls around the country,

The unsatiated question,

The sad question,

A wondering of confusion,

The question I find in myself.

A feeling of displacement.

Wandering on

Wandering around.

Thinking on and on.

As I sit here wondering, thinking.

My thoughts running,

Yet also still.

Wandering and wandering on.

Remembrance

Remembering those times,

That summer with you,

The sun that was found,

After the time being lost.

The sun just around the corner,

Finally the sun’s shining-

After so long.

The sun peaking around the corner,

Remembering those times, those moments.

Remembrance of the times gone,

Looking forward to the times that will come.

The difficulties,

The trials for me to overcome.

Those times.

Remembering fondly,

The summer of a lifetime.

The way I found.

The remembrance.

My remembrance.

Through This Feeling

Through the feeling,

The good, bad and hurt,

All the emotions of life,

A tinge unfeeling.

Through this feeling.

An emptiness,

A feeling of lack, of less.

Beyond my explanation.

Even through this feeling,

All my feelings.

Come the lack.

Here I stand,

Unable to understand,

How feelings,

Strong feelings.

Can be accompanied by an emptiness.

A song comes on,

With all its associated feelings,

Dancing with happiness,

Crying with sadness,

Yet I still feel empty.

A confusing dichotomy.

The feeling with the lack.

Unable to fix,

Unable to understand.

Through this feeling,

My mind takes me.

Takes its toll on me.

Unable to explain.

This incomprehension,

Hurting along with the pain, sadness, anger and happiness.

Emotions running through my veins,

My heart and my mind.

All-consuming,

In their raw ferocity.

Yet a lack, an emptiness comes along with.

Confidence

A confident smile,
Able to take this step.
To command my stride.
To move and love the world.

Compassion, kindness and competence being my guide,
My arsenal.
The trials ahead,
No trial if I try.

Making my world my own,
Shown me the world,

I now make my own,

Shape to my aims.

Taken in my confident stride.

My core to guide me.

Compassion for all,

Kindness and care to be shown,

Confidence to help and try.

To shine and let the world notice.

To help those in trouble,

To give me all, giving my all.

To make the world,

One I want to live in,

One of kindness,

One of care,

Compassion is my sword,

With consideration being my shield.

Next to stride in confidence.

In myself,

I stride confidence.

Knowing me,

Who I am.

What I can do.

What I will do.

Throwing out the barriers,

What holds me back.

Here I’ll take my stride in confidence.

Writing this, thinking of L, of what she said, commenting on what I told her others said. Coming to the realisation that I can do it, my lecturers being impressed of my conversing competently with PhD students, at work being professional and helpful, doing archive work at a archive centre scanning digital negative. Come to a realisation of how so many people support and believe in me, when I never really have seen it. Realising it for now at least, in this moment. Especially everything L has done for me, and the comment by my lecturer who inspired and encouraged me to do my Masters, which has given me so much courage and happiness.

Holding On, to Avoid Letting Go

Holding on, to avoid letting go.

Those memories, faded and cloudy,
Like a rainy day,
As I look out the window,
Longing, thinking.
Holding on to the thought,
Holding on to every memory.

That flower begins to colour and fade,
Wilt and dry out.
No matter what I do,
Water, love and care,
To hold on.

Not wanting to let go,
Doing all I can to remember,
Keeping hold of those dear memories.
Not wanting to say goodbye.
Tears forming,
Battering my defences,
All consuming my mind.

The realisation.
I fight.
Trying to hold on-
To avoid letting go.

The way we lose contact,
Life moving on,
Steamrolling over my soul.
Moving on,
Holding dearly onto those memories.

The realisation,
An unwelcome guest,
A hurtful presence.

After having been found,
After showing me how to find-
Myself.

Echoes Of A Dark Night

Echoes of a dark night,
The lonely walk home.
Lights fading into the distance.
Sights, sounds,

Echoes in the darkness,
Echoes, a disturbed rumbling,
Chatter of the mind.
As it drifts and wanders.
Getting ever-more tired.

Losing itself to the cold.
Into the echoes.

The dark night all around.
Friends recede into the distance, the dark, into faint echoes till silence.
And on you walk.

Getting colder into the night.
The light fading to black.

Lost to an echo,

What is,

What was,

To be,

To make, or aim.

All I am, is lost, in the echoes of a dark night.