Done Hiding

Done hiding,
Hiding from my past,
My feelings,
My torture.

It drains too much from me.
Kills me inside.
Living a falsehood, a lie.

But I cannot lie no more.
Not even if I wanted to.

I am done.
In every such way.
Done with the hiding,
Done with the pretence.

Done with all the fucking shit.
Everyone with a problem can go check themselves,
Check their fucking minds and lives.
I will not hide mine no more.

I am done.

I’m gonna be me and how I have to be.
Cannot cope with any other alternative anymore.
Not anymore.


Writing this, thinking, I’m tired, tired of hiding myself under a lie I tell everyone else. Tired. If admitting to mental health stuff loses friends then they’re not worthwhile people in my life. I don’t care anymore. 13 years all living a lie, to myself and everyone else. It’s just too tiring now. Hence I wrote a blogpost on a different site for my photography and my mental health.

I had it fully written for a week before posting it to my FB. And the idea I put off writing about for months. Because I was afraid of people thinking “well that guy’s fucked up” or “this isn’t the guy we knew”. Know it might not have been, but it was the truth of me. I was reluctant to write and post this.

Especially seeing people write about mental health openly and feeling trapped and caged so I couldn’t.

I’m just too tired for any of the pretence now, with my mental health I barely have any energy for anything else, without also having to construct a human that’s doing fine on top of all of that.

Imagine the energy to simulate a human functioning fully and positively on a computer. That’s been my brain for 2 years, the real me and a pretend for others to see.

Scared to Lose

Scared to lose.
Myself,
The feeling,
Feeling in general.
But it’s started.

All empty in place.
Hollow and dead.
In a world passing.
I am unfeeling.
Feeling death.

Trying to grasp to life,
Any feeling to feel alive.

Nothing working.
Everything tried.

But no answer in sight.
No answer given,
I try and try.
I can’t believe.
Life can crush me so.

Only wanting to rage,
To shake life till reality feels.
Shake with my emotions.
To assert I’m alive.
Assert I can be.

But I cannot.
I do not know.
Now anymore.
Anything at all.

I have lost.
Waiting for death.
As I cannot feel anymore anyway.

Nothing I like feels anymore.

So should I break? What is already broken.
Break my mind and soul.
Crush it all as I die.
Rage and protest life.

Letting the fire breathe me into rage. Hate. Because at least I can feel.

Feel rage like I’ve hidden from.
So many years ago.
That decision to value kindness,
Rather than pain.
But look where it’s gotten me.

Pain after pain after pain,
Losing everything,
Losing myself,
Losing every feeling.

So why should I?
I should crush it all.
Break myself,
Until no one can break it anymore.
Broken to dust.
That’s not life.
But that’s all I can get.

But I do not wish for any of it.

But then.

I remember,
Clear as day.
The reason for this pain.
The care,
What I had to give.
What I did.
Feeling alive.
That is all worth it.
It’s worth incarnate.
But was it all a lie?
I do not know.

I do not want to ask the question,
Do not want to remember but also fear forgetting.

My mind cannot decide.
To crush myself for the present,
Or to live only in the past.

Calling Out

Calling out.
Out to the world,
That’s left me so cold.

Gave a glimpse of light.
To just rip my soul from my body.
To hurt me.
Break me.
As I tried.
I tried.
Tried to cope.

Tried to hold on,
And not to lose all I had.
But where am I left.

Either road to walk.
Only ends in pain.

Always ends in pain.
A place of loss.
Loss in the world.
Loss in life.

A continued game.
How much can be lost and lost,
Until nothing’s left.
How much can the soul take.

Watching the beauty fade from the world.
Watching life die, before your eyes.

But this is the way it goes.

Loss of the world.
Death of it all.
Sadness gripping.
Demons to return.
Ending coming.

Sadness gripping.

Watching your soul die,
Before your very eyes.

But you can’t cry anymore.
You’ve lost so much before.
You’ve got no tears to shed.

Got nothing left.

But that’s the way life goes.

Left in dust.

Losing it all,
Before your eyes.
The impossible decision.
The deadly loss.
Silent in its torture.

Sadness in its essence.

The broken lives lost.
The broken way,
The broken past.

Leading to a fractured present.

Leading to this end.
The sadness.
The pain.
The hurt.

Oh how it hurts so.
This emptiness.

Just going to watch it die.

As the body gives in.
As the mind starts to.
But that’s life.
Loss too great.

But what can be done?
What can be?

As the soul breaks.
Willpower loses.

Nothing left.

My Escape

My escape,
From my fate,
From my life,
From being and not knowing,
From the fears and the worries.

Living a life that is not my own,
Living a life that I cannot know.
That I fear and worry about.

I’m lost.
I can’t find my way out.
I cannot find.
Cannot be.
I am worried.
Not knowing a way out,
Finding my way out,
I know,
And that’s what worries me.
Knowing my mind so well.

Knowing it and the path.
Worried about what will be.

And I can just sit and cry,
Thinking, feelig pain.

Missing my every thought as the pain swells inside.

Losing my mind,
My feelings and my will.

I can just sit still.
To ponder,
To sit and wait.
To cry and despair.

But this feeling,
One I know all too well.

It kills me inside.
Breaks me apart.
Throws me off.

Throws me out and apart.
Breaks me.
Makes me. Break myself.
Break my mind apart.
Sit and rip into my soul.

But.
I’m used to this feeling,
Used to this time.
Used to how it feels,
To rip into your own soul, mind, and heart,
To pull it out and rip it from unto your own body.
One that does not feel your own.

One that is alien to the touch,
Alien to the feel.
But you can only stand and watch.
As the actions take out.
Make their ways,
And all you can do is watch.
Having and losing the escape you try to hold dear.


Good day, feeling mixed now, thinking and overthinking. Going to visit home, has been a needed escape. I love it in Brighton, but cannot really face going back, worried, apprehensive. I can’t wait to go back, planned to, but also don’t want to. It’s too soon. I’ve never really questioned my decision to move away from home as I am now. But now I am. I can’t help. But feel sad, not for going back, or leaving home. Just deep sadness within myself, not knowing what I think or feel. What I want or can do.

Have to Keep Hold

Have to keep hold,
To stay strong,
To remember being,
Remember its worth.

The feeling,
To hold,
Onto life.
To stay,
To keep strong.
As the song goes on.

The body may tire,
But I’ve been there;
Living without worth,
Without hope,
Without reason.

But I’ve found,
Something.

Out of nowhere.

So I must hold strong,
To keep hold.

To keep on and on,
To keep trying and fighting for every breath.

Even as it may grow difficult,
May grow hard.
May rip you apart from the inside.

But you must try,
Try to keep true,
To stay strong,
To keep strong,
To remain true,
To yourself and everything.

The alternative is despair.
A path I have walked down, A path I choose to try,
To not walk again.

A path. I choose. To not walk again.

It’s way to easy,
To slip down,
Into the hole.
But I’ll try.
Keeping true to my goal,
To help, love and care,
To maybe keep my path,
My personal path.

A path of care,
I’ll try.

But it’s all to easy,
To slip and fall.
Remembering why.


Been good going home, been mixed for a large number of reasons, I’ve needed this, I’ve missed home more than the almost 5 years I’ve been away.

Been exhausted and low, low and unsure, I’ve needed the break, the time away to collect and soul-search. For my own mental health. Which has been pulling me apart recently, even if I haven’t seen it. It still does, and still will when I go back. But I’ve had a bit of distraction, bit of break.

Lots is still uncertain and in the air. But all I can do is try.

Finality

Finality,
The end,
It goes and comes,
The times and they stop.
I know and have made my peace.
Made my peace, knowing my own mind.
Knowing I’ve tried.

Been the best person I can, with all my flaws and mistakes.

But to let go.
To say goodbye.
I know.

I’m content,
The calm at the end,
After the storm has passed.

I know.
I see you.
I know.
I’m sorry.

But I know.

It’s okay.
It really is.
One present, one goodbye.
I don’t want.
But have come to terms,
With this state of finality.
An end gesture of care.
I always care.

I know me,
I know who I am,
And I will always care.
But it’s okay.

I’ve come to terms.

The finalty of it all.

Empathy And Care

It cuts deep,
It rages strong,
It cuts me to the core.

But it makes me who I am.
It is who I am.

I do what I did.
Out of care.
With no regrets for doing just that.
I’d do it again,
Even if it cuts deep.
That’s what you do for caring,
For loving.

To take away the pain.
Just to be, to live,
I’ll bare the world’s pains.
If it’d make you smile for a second.
It would make the pain of the world worth it to bear.

It would.

It just would.

It would.

Taking my stand,
Knowing my choice,
And why,
Even if I regret,
I won’t forget.
I don’t regret my reason,
My care.
I would do it again.
If it would help,
For just a second,
It would.

I would walk to Hell,
Step into the flames.
And bare the pain.

As I would know why.
I would see,
The care,
I feel,
And it would keep me.
It would keep me going.

I would see.
And it would free me.

I have chosen,
To take the step.
To take that step.
I have walked the flames.

Chosen to walk away,
Leaving behind my heart,
Leaving it out,
To take the step.
And it hurts,
But it’s worth it.

Loving Hurts

Heart torn in two,
Care to break my heart.
Care I have,
That it pains me,
Breaks me down but builds me, builds me as it breaks me down.

To say goodbye, and to help,
Goodbye to find themselves.

My mind,
My empathy,
It breaks and swallows me,
But all I can do, is to hold the feeling. My reason.

So I know why, even as it kills me inside.

My heart breaks.

Emptiness swallows me.
But care motivated me.

A goodbye,
Not wanted,
A goodbye I tried to avoid.

I’m sorry.
Sorry to them.
Sorry in my mind.
Sorry to me and the world.

But I am not sorry, for the reason.
I am sorry it was the only, way.

My mind, clawed to dark and light.
Dark for all of my overthinking, dark for where I’m going now.
The only light comes from remembering, remembering the feeling, what motivated this, the care.

Need to fight,
Fight the darkness,
As I’ve lost the light.
I. Have lost. I, have devastated myself.
My empathy, it kills me.
But makes me, and saves me.

Life, love, care, empathy, it all hurts. But themselves make life worth it.

Oh how it hurts.
My brain, won’t let me have peace.
I am sorry.
A scar on my mind.

It breaks me down.

But I keep hold, hold to the reason that made me tick.


Said goodbye today, goodbye because I care, goodbye because I care. I need her to try. Need her to get closure. Need to give her space.

I’ve felt I’ve lost everything. Life got so perfect, then I had to say goodbye, it was me who said goodbye. Why did I do this! I did it for her but I can’t stand I did say goodbye. But I needed to, did it for her.

This continues, continues from my last poem. I feel like I’ve died, I’ve lost everything. Lost something. Lost. Everything.

Care By Me

Care complete,
Care total,
No matter how it hurts,
Just to be there,
To care and be kind.

My promise,
A promise by me,
Promise got me,
I care,
I try to care.
I’m happy with this choice of mine.

Even as it hurts,
Myself calling out into the wind.
I stand tall.
Standing by my choice,
By my choice,
To care,
To be.

Sad as the times may come.
I can still be me.
Through the pain,
Care keeps me going.
Care keeps me free.

Beauty in the scene,
As I watch and ponder.
Sitting on the beach,
Letting life just be.

As I sit, wait, watch, and ponder.
My mind empties,
My mind calms.
Trying to set myself free.

As I wait in me.
Seeing watching.
Living.
Hurting.
Being free.
Love can hurt,
Hurts to leave,
To let go,
But when everything else ceases,
Care is what doesn’t,
Care stays,
As the heart breaks.
But it’s fine.

It makes life worth it.
Kindness and care,
Empathy.

I sit here and be.
Kindness abound,
just being true to me.


Bit of a rough mental health day. Very. Mood swings. Overthinking. My own mind, just playing it’s own games. Can not control my anxieties, but it’ll pass. Just need to wait it out. Thinking of my mind, me, choices, options, life and love.

Love this person, true love and care is doing what’s best for someone else, even if it hurts, because you care about them so much. You would do it, without question or fear, it’s worrying, it’s confusing. But made clear, because I care.