Lost Again

Lost again,
After a too-short time of living,
Living on borrowed time.
Living a borrowed life,
Of happiness, direction and meaning.

How I tried living,
Tried fighting.

I tried and now I find myself,
Lost again.


Today’s all been a rough day, started with selfconsciousness, then has spiralled into being sad, lost, empty, lost. I haven’t even been able to find or turn my mind to happier thoughts. Just have been ruminating and sad.

Just sad. Just sad. Alone. Isolated. Unsure where to go, who to turn to, what to do. What to think.

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Sadness of Beauty

The sadness of beauty,
Coming free from life,
As it’s to be seen.
Felt, experienced and lived.
Just being free,
Being trapped in the feeling,
Letting yourself go free.
Free to be.

Oh how it all wells up.
Like a sunset in full bloom,
All the radiant colours,
Beauty to be seen.
Colours lighting up the sky,
Colours letting free,
Freeing me.

Warmth from it all,
Living in the feeling.
Just thinking,
Of being free,
But in the moment it’s all.

Just witnessing the beauty,
As the world lights up,
Showing me the way,
Showing and freeing me.

Beauty from it all,

The colours and feelings,
Varied and happy,
Living and being,
Not letting a step go,
The step, in a journey for me.

To stand tall,
And give it a try.
To show my mark,
Live my life,
In the moment of feeling.

As I try to be.


Thinking, about lots. Myself for example, even work today, started rough but ended well. Lots of stuff. Beauty like in my photography but coming from sadness. Happiness, sadness, pain, and joy all being one and connected and inseparable.

On the bus today, felt suddenly overwhelmed when going to do some photography, an overwhelming sadness from happiness, felt on the verge to tears, but held it all in.

Sight-Sudden Panic

Sight-sudden panic,
The sensory input,
The shock,
Mind going thin,
As it all swirls,
Total loss of control.
All is blocked but the panic.

The sudden urges,
Urge to find a solution,
Then to escape.

To jump out the window,
off the boat, into the road.

Panic that kills,
Even a retrospective mind can’t calm,
It can see, but cannot calm,
Can rationalise, but cannot convince.
Stimulus playing and raging,
Again and again,
In my own head,
A shard in my mind,
One that pierces again and again,
Without an end.

Terrible torture from being,
Where a lack of consciousness can escape.

Always looking for the escape.

Hoping only for an escape,
Anything for an escape,
I’ve tried all sorts,
Only to escape,
Purpose, drugs, feelings and experiences, and nothingness.
To numb the mind down.
With few successes,
But they are found, they come at their costs,
Come with their own demons.

Leaving me,
Without an option,
Only to forward what I don’t want to do.
To live, know, feel.
All gone,
Wanting to rip my brain apart,
To take my mind and stamp it out.
Just to stop.
All of which brings torture.

If I must settle a debt with life,
Just take it all,
To settle and get out.
Deeds, costs, worths.


Been a slightly better day, but was exhausted getting home and fell asleep, when I actually needed to go grocery shopping, or photography (to make better use of a slightly better day) or going somewhere new. Didn’t do anything but sleep. Woke up to be slightly sad at this fact, got a lot of tasks done. And now, finishing some tasks a memory, image, realisation, has got me panicking, sinking and falling. It’s hard to explain the feeling of panic, like tunnel vision, within both sight and mind, the mind starts talking, the world blocked out and yeah.

With the recent panic, got me thinking, what my inital thought after my sleep after work, I woke up but wanted more sleep and eventually coaxed myself awake. Why I did, wanting an escape from consciousness. Much like me back in secondary school, at least I had the one thing to wake up to, school and my GCSEs and all other times I slept. It’s painful, as the panic sets in again, repeating over, over, and over again in my mind on repeat. Like a sadistic game.

The more I write, seeing the stimulus to my panic again and again, it taints the whole day, writing this poem, like painting while the colours change within the same stroke.

Was thinking just now, there was something that really made me happy today, I just remembered, having birthday celebrations with some close friends, belated celebrations, some messaged me about it. So looking forward! But. the panic has set in. Even now, I tear up, feeling panic, torture, completely on edge and happy. All at the same time. Heart beating hard. To try to describe, like feeling hungry and full, at peace and in pain, overwhelmed and relaxed all at the same time. It’s just so much, but as always the panic always overrides. Even as I know the cause of this panic, may be offset by why I’m happy.

Doesn’t mind, logic cannot win, the mind will crush itself, I guess like it’s used to doing. Until I get tired and give up.

I know the only way to feel better, but know its a lie I cannot take. So I relegate myself to truthful torture than an illusory happiness. Such is life.

Deteriorating World

Left watching,
The world’s slow deterioration,
A crumbling of the fabric of everything.
A slow death,
A coming end.

As it moves towards conclusion.
A end coming,
Breaking apart before conclude.
Before a finality.
All to do but watch, with sadness,
Gazing upon, a crushing end.
As it all falls apart,
I stand watching,
Waiting,
Waiting for a breaking point,
Watching for the rupture.
Sadness grips me,
As it all slips away.
All pushed apart,
All crushing under the weight of it all.

Loss just consumes me,
With no way out,
No other way out.
Watching the world like a ghost.
Unsure about anything.
It all,
Breaking upon the weight of it all.

I can’t,
Standing here but can’t,
Do nought but watch it all,
Fall apart,
Crushed.

Flogging myself along a path,
Trying not to fall further and further behind.
But it tires me,
Trying to move along,
In the dark,
Without any direction or light.
I am stuck.
Am lost.

With nothing that can be done,
During this deteriorating world.


Sad, same stuff as I was writing about last night, even the one thing that can give me hope or happiness I have to see, have to see it as a lie or an illusion. Leaving me just giving up.

Curse my Autism to hell, leaving me in pain. Constant pain.

Existing In Emptiness

Existing in emptiness,
This unsettling existance,
An emptiness true and sad,
Breaking apart,
Leaving empty,

Leaving nothing to matter,
Nothing to be,
Disassociating from reality,
Wishing and waiting.
Feeling like death,
The pain caused by existence,
Not feeling,
Being without place.

It all feeling disassociative,
Place not to find,
All meaningless,
Where it is all empty,
Hurtful and breaking.

Leading to a rupture,
A break and hurt.

It leaves me,
Hurts me.
Tears my mind apart,
With the war of trying,
Undermining it all,
As it all breaks apart in place,
Tearing me all apart.

My whole existence, a painful lie,

An emptiness,

Always there, just the lie told too sweet.

I give up. Give up the lie that suffocates me.

That chains and cuts me,
Beats me senseless,
Rips and ruptures.

Leaving me nothing,
A broken mess,
Having tried.
But. Broken.
Everything. Broken.


Been writing this for like 2 days. My mood has been terrible. Wrote on my Moodtrack and it explained things, I overall have lost everything, nothing feels anymore. I had aspirations to do research. That now seem impossible. I’m more alone than ever. Most friends have gone, the few I have are leaving soon. I don’t ever really get to meet anyone new so my friends are getting fewer, fewer and fewer. I’m panicking thinking about this right now. Panicking as this is all true. My head is about to burst. Just so scared. I used to feel, care, and all now is empty. I have achieved more than I thought I ever could and achieving has only brought about the realisation of it being all a lie I was working towards and I have no idea, no clue, even photography I’m not sharing, I’m getting less and less motivated to go out and it has less and less of an impact positively on my mood.

It’s all burning up.

I feel like death, but stuck in place.

All these fears, all these worries. Eating at me. I can only ignore the fears for so long. Spending all my brainpower just to ignore. I’m getting less and less able to hide them under a facade around my friends and people I know. It’s all coming to a tipping point. Everything feels like nothing, with no way out and all I can do is hope I don’t wake up.

I can’t take it. I can’t. I can’t. It’s breaking me apart. Everything. Why. Just everything.

Wrecked

Wrecked as it all crashes,
Beaten, broken and wrecked.
In the mind,
Seething and raging,
Wanting to let the rage out.

To stop the facade of calm,
Every action, tinged with inaction.
Broken and falling.
Through and out of it all.

Wanting to burn my every path,
Leaving one.
To make me choose.
Make me fight,
And make me take the fight to my mind.
To burn it all down.
To make it bend,
To my own will.
Through flame and sword,
Hunger, pain, sadness and torture.
To break my will,
To break it all apart from its making.

Anger, at every little thing.
Trying to break.
Trying to thrash,
Wanting to let it all alight.
Break every bone in my body.
Breaking every thought within my head.

Breaking every ounce of strength.
Breaking it all.
Just want to break it all.
Leave me with nothing else.

Please Make It Stop

Please make it stop,
Take it all away.

I do not want this, Never asked for it.
A pain, so deep.
Existence futile,
Yet chained beneath.

How it forces me to wait and watch,
When all I want is to pass through, pass by.
I beg, beg, beg and beg,
Until there is nothing left to beg for.

Maybe then, after all these years,
It’ll finally be gained, earned, given.


Woke up after a nap. Still in pain. Still hate everything, still can’t feel happiness as my mind immediately kills it when I try, while I see the small ray of light.

The worse thing, I can see the happiness, it is out of my grasp, it is there and I can se, can feel before being hit back into reality, hit back into fearing. Another day to come, another time to wait. More pain as always, just waiting for it all to end.

Brought Back To Life

All my loves in life,
Creating, making anew through images my own.
Giving me, peace in the mind.

And then.
Sadness,
As I’m brought back to life.

Pain,
Rushes back,
Ripping out my heart.

An escape,
Made not to last,
Not to be real.

As it all hurts,
Breaks.

I just want,
An escape from my,
From my mind.
To tear me from,
Leaving me unconscious,
Breaking me from,
An addiction to a lie,
A lie that, it’ll get better sometime.
A lie told,
To battle hard,
To overcome the next hurdle as it’ll come, a time,
When I can live,
Be free from my mind.
Be happy in life,
Rather than waiting for it to stop.
Patiently I wait,
For one end or another,
An end to the pain, or just an end.

A sad set of affairs,
As I lie,
Thinking,
Trying but stopping,
As it’s all the lie.
A lie I tell.

But I am stuck.
In a terrible rut.
Just waiting, Not knowing what to do,
Just wanting to do nothing,
Having lost life.
Lost meaning.
Just wanting an escape,
An escape from being brought back to life.


Went to do a little bit of photography again today, late, and mostly location scouting. After packed up and heading home. Was thinking why I love photography and it makes me feel better. Even if only during it.

It’s an escape from life, from living, from thinking, keeps me occupied. Until after, when I’m brought back from life. Don’t know why I feel terrible in general, stuff is okay, more stable than in many years, living in a place I like, all sorts of stuff. Finally have a hobby, since primary school I never had one.

Why I like photography reminded me, back to primary school through to secondary, I was addicted to video games for the same reasons; it was an escape from life, from my mind, got me thinking but not about life, but a puzzle. My childhood wasn’t that bad. So what’s wrong with my mind. Where what’s worst, is being brought back from life.

Don’t Deserve, Through The Pain

No matter the good,
I am in chains,
In pain,
A living that is not my own.
Chained to life.

With nothing left,
Nothing gives me life.
Pain greets me, with every breath I take.

Something wrong I know.

I do not deserve,
Cannot,
The goodness has to kill me.
It crushes deep everytime.

It crushes my soul.
Tears me apart.


Thinking, had an amazing time in London, Dion photography, took like 1000 photos today. Been on 3 photography trips over the last few days, after a long rut I have gone back into photography full sprint. Today was good, facing strong anxiety, London has always given me great anxiety as a kid till now I guess. In 5 years in England I’ve been to London 3 times. Two of those three were since I finished my Masters. The other one time I couldn’t get out of it as I needed a heart scan in London. Finally feeling better, stronger and getting over the anxiety over London, after the start I could actually relax in London, after stressing about it on the journey there.

But even despite the really good day, the good last few days, still thinking, about me, Autism, existence, having a crush, and it’s all getting too much. Even on those best of days I’d rather not exist, leave and never be heard of again, also just forgotten by everyone who knows me. But too weak, and also chained by the bonds I would not want to inflict pain on others. But then, it’s a living for others rather than wanting to myself. Thinking of a crush and it’s like, it’s saddening. I see myself getting happy thinking of conversations and all sorts of stuff, but when I notice I’m happy, I crush it all out. To stop the pain, to stop thinking, lying that I could ever be happy. Also that because of all of me I guess I don’t deserve it, I’m too weak for it, so I crush myself to dust.

Like a self perpetuating cycle that exacerbated itself. Like being to tired to do something fun and hence you become sadder and more tired and sadder still. Like me before, but what’s different, with being tired you need to force the single time to get back on track, while this? I can not argue with the facts. Fact, I’m alive, fact I’ve not met expectations I have, fact if I didn’t lie to people daily about how I’m doing they’d be shocked and stunned, even by the mere way I live.

I don’t deserve anything good, but this makes me more and more sad. But I guess that’s the natural progression from not deserving anything good,

Broken Lies

Broken lies,

Exhaustion great,

How I try to escape,
To break from my body and be free.

From a life of pain, emptiness and broken lies.

How it breaks you,.
Or leaves you to break yourself.

How it tortures you,
Or leaves you to watch yourself crack.

Back to childhod,
Praying everynight for death to find me, Biting my skin till drawing blood.
Wishing for an end.

From then?
I have lost the reason,
The outcome basically the same.

Broken lies we tell ourselves,
Life only through belief in them.
Seeing causes the break, the rupture.

Lost like before, but with no reason to try.
Again as before,
Just waiting, waiting without end in sight.
Such a poor sight,
Like watching a puppy drown,
A child hit by a car. But at least the end is in sight.

But they may not see it, may nit have lost this lie, and thus they hold back from it.

While torture opens eyes.

Body tired, stomach hungry, but the mind has no motivation to move,
Just thinking “I want”, and countering “but why”.
And left in limbo it stays,

No energy to do, to think, to live.
Like many years ago, I remember clear,
Life consisting of a routine, school then sleep, then dinner alone and then sleep. Repeating on and on.

Today been the same, without school and a purpose and without eating with no motivation.

Sleep kills my consciousness,
It breaks me briefly free,
From life and living,
Temporarily.

I have tired,
Being broken again and again,
So tired of all the broken lies,
That have struck me and struck me and struck.
I am tired of all this being.
Sick, of living a life of broken lies.


Slept all day today, work was exhausting, as soon as I got home at 4 I slept and pretty much slept through until 4am minus the time to write this. Haven’t even eaten. So exhausted.

Wanted to do photography, been wanting to for a week, but have been so exhausted and lacking motivation or ideas.

I have lost. Feel broken. Lost motivation and reason. I can’t find a reason for anything. I really can’t. Depression hasdby been this bad since secondary school where I slept all day everyday apart from school. I worked hard. And I slept totally. Now it’s the same but work instead of school. So tired I’d rather not. So tired.

Not really seen sunlight all day, been asleep.

At least asleep my mind doesn’t think, I’m at peace, numb and oblivious to the world. The closest I can unfortunately get to not being of the world.

Life is pain. When there is nothing left, for anything.

I was happy when I thought I had come across something that seemed for a long while to cure my Autism, did so for like 35 hours. But was too good to be true, should’ve guessed.