My Affliction.

Memory of what should be let go.

Hearing that mustn’t be heard.

Senses heightened, for what shouldn’t be known.

To let myself live, in the present. At all.

The affliction of knowing, when one should ignore.

Caring too much as I need to break out.

Break my chains, my mind and spirit.

Break apart all that is held together.

Broken and shattered through my affliction.

Left Alone

Left alone,

That’s how it goes,

First to start,

Last to stop.

Left alone and predicted this,

That’s the way it goes.

The inevitable end.

The continuous path,

Expected and to be expected.

Left down, like a person with nothing left.

And loving it.

The rage and realisation.

The life and the longing.

The buildup and expectations.

The waiting and expectation.

Going on alone, as I know I must go.

The ongoing movement through time.

This onward treading.

The way it goes, and the way it must.

Ready for the shit that comes, as it always will.

No me gusta.

But that is life, the one I live.

The one I’ve been given.

The one I have and have to make.

The way I live, the way I go.

The good turning chaotic,

The way going blank.

The path turning off.

The way fading to black.

Living in the darkness and making it my own.

Owning the life that I lead.

Holding on tight to the war inside my mind.

Facing my firing squad.

Smiling in the face of it all,

In the face of the darkness and the pain.

Spitting in the face of death and darkness.

Making it mine,

Commanding it to my will and presence.

My will, it will become mine.

The path I must take,

Alone and smile.

The lonely road I walk.

To spit in the face of it all.

To face my fate,

To face my demons.

Spit in the face of it all.

The sinner of the world,

Of the darkness and the pain.

The path I walk.

The way I move.

The way I drift back and forth,

Drift off into the darkness,

Into my life eternal,

The eternal pain, ongoing and suffering.

To walk on and out,

Off into darkness.

On and off I go,

Moving on into the night.

Into the life that awaits.

This darkness I delve into,

Fight,

Rage,

Win.

Taking the pain,

Making it my own,

Making it mine.

Holding on in and through the rage.

Loving it with life as my witness.

Cutting the chord.

Stringing myself up in this life.

Loving ever second.

This rage and love,

Happiness and courage.

Weakness and strength.

Left alone, waking to my destination. The noose of the depths of the ocean.

And on I continue, left alone to my inevitable path.

Just Want To Forget.

Just want to forget,

To erase my mind,

To go on living,

As I try to make something of myself,

Get myself out of the dark ocean.

To set sail out into my world of my own.

To forget the darkness of the past,

The times to be forgotten.

To make my escape.

To start anew,

My new self, a new life.

The end of me.

Just wanting to forget, so I can escape.

Just want to forget.

Reminder Of Me

A reminder of me,

Who I used to be,

Free eternal, unbound and unchained.

Free-thinking, a spirit in good health.

Loving life for the friends who’ve touched me,

Those who unknowingly saved me.

To those I would do the same.

To save, to walk the ends of the earth for,

Those kind few, who reminded me of me,

Me of who I was,

Me of the worth of living.

The escape from a horrid past,

The needless pain,

To those who confirmed,

Who backed,

Those who supported.

I hold you dear.

Dear to my soul.

Dear to my being.

Those who reminded me of who I am and who I need to be, should be, will be.

Heart Broken Into Every Piece

Heart broken into every piece,

All true friends,

All gone.

All their lies placed before me,

A mosaic of perpetual agony.

The total trust I felt, I shared.

Gone in an instant.

Their selfishness is what I must remember.

The pain they felt, that I caused.

How they left me to walk home.

That long lonely road, wishing for death at every turn.

I found it.

Losing my closest friend.

For numbing my mind, concentrating that pain.

Being dead inside.

Mind wiped clean.

To avoid that pain.

Alone more than ever.

My sister dead before my eyes,

And with her my soul, happiness and mind.

Worse than death, feel alone totally.

Losing someone dear to me.

My closest friend.

That dearest person.

Taken from me by their lies,

Their betrayal.

They left me alone when I needed help,

Needed to talk, needed to explain.

Too late. Now I’ve repressed it all,

To a point that I cannot retrieve.

Lost the will to live.

Lost the ability.

Lost the capability.

Left totally alone.

By those whom I thought cared.

Given that breaking point.

That worst day, by those who I thought cared about me.

The betrayal.

Left for dead. And truly dead inside.

Forgetting to Yourself

Embracing the calm emptiness,

Forgetting the world and its inner workings.

Erasing the mind.

Deleting the feeling.

Making myself,

An empty shell.

A blank slate,

Completely cold.

Forgetting problems,

Not noticing happenings.

So that nothing can touch me.

To empty the mind,

Watching it spill, overflow and dry up.

Leaving nothing but a dry, cracked base.

The emptiness, the doubt, the uncertainty, the unfeeling.

Different, abnormal, empty and unhinged.

An arms length away.

Moving to the bottle for all feeling,

The feeling I threw out,

The life made empty.

The erasure of being.

The tank run empty,

The mind run dry,

The feelings run cold.

Forgetting. All that may hurt. All that does hurt.

To avoid hurting others, as I do myself.

Forgetting this feeling that entraps me.

Those Lonely Nights

Those lonely nights, nothing to share,

No one to hold,

All alone.

Those sad songs, my only comfort. As I lay in bed.

Only my mind to talk to.

The silence,

The black night.

Trying to stay positive.

Yet this silence haunts me.

Mood changing,

Instantly.

Sad and lonely.

I try to forget.

Listen to a happy song,

To keep me.

To remember the being around friends,

To save from the lonely,

Existential anguish,

Always surrounding me.

When I am lonely.

Always the reminder,

Always the sign.

On those lonely nights.

Those Songs That Stay With You

Those songs that stay with you,

Those songs you remember,

That make you laugh,

Make you cry,

As everything flies past.

Leave you alone,

In your solitude.

In your space.

Nothing to do but cry,

To wonder why,

Those songs that stay with you.

Leave you there, alone.

As everything piles up,

You are there.

You’re left.

Alone, with those songs that stay with you.

Author of My Own Solitude

I push them away,

Yet hope they stay.

I turn my back,

But hope for the hand on my shoulder.

Get angry at their interference,

But really at my being a burden.

Gradually all those close fade away,

Those friends I hold dear.

Turn away once I do so.

Is it something I said?

Something I did?

Mere circumstance?

Who I am?

Am I the author of my own solitude?

Or is it circumstance?

Am I even perceiving correctly?

Am I the author of my own solitude?

Despite my best efforts.

Or is this natural?

Maybe I am the author.

Writing a novel I cannot see.

Cannot see and cannot change.

My own solitude.

Solitude of sadness

Sadness around all people’s smiles,

Sad and waiting for it to be over

Alone and sad.

Celebrations all around.

Where am I?

Does it matter.

No answer?

I knew that to start with…

I knew that to start with…

The long wait for it to be over.

To hope for happiness later.

To wait.

To hope.

Is that all I can hope to expect?

I shall wait.

Or else I shall end.