Make That Scar Fade

I stand here,
In face of it all.
Standing to make that scar fade.

Journeying forth,
Seeing the struggles of the past.
Seeing the pain caused.
Not to repeat the same mistake.
Not to let the past pain haunt,
To let the past pain keep me in chains.

Seeing the trauma,
Creeping its way into a new life,
To corrupt through fear, worry and scarring.

Finally, finding something,
Someone that sees,
Someone that understands my scars.
As they have many of their own.

They have been there,
Understanding through it all,
As my brain’s been on meltdown.

Letting the past scars and trauma consume me with worry.
Corrupting me into who I was lost in before.
Taking everything from me.
Losing my own perspective in world.

But I try to stand.
Shut the scars out.
To make a stand.
To accept this new time for what it is,
For a new era.
An era not defined by my scarred past.
By the pain felt before.

Trying to control,
My mind fearful of the repeat of my death. And so it shuns,
It leaves. It runs to hide.

I know it’s different,
Not malicious or hurtful,
Not aimed or ripping.
This. This is new. This is care.
A confusing life yes,
But it’s new. It’s care. Apologies for a new confusing life.
And this I can cope with.
We are all scarred in all so many of our own ways.
Humanity’s shared collective,
Shared scars, even if different.
We have all fought all our own battles,
Some have been through, some have been through different.
But understanding through those collective scars. Collective experience.

I will be better.
I was shown,
Shown my thinking.
Shown the hole my brain put me in.
To protect me from the past.
But it’s all past.

The scars,
I thought had healed,
What was done to me,
The wound exploded open before my eyes,
And I didn’t see.
I failed to see.

But open to my friends,
This second time around.
Open to life.
To see and heal.
To keep this would shut.
Final and once and for all.

I have found,
I have seen.
I will now bow down.
I shall rage and rage.
Into the darkness,
Till I turn it light.

Holding on.
To shut the scars, the wounds inflicted,
So deep beneath the skin,
Carved into the mind.
Deeper than I could see.

But thankful,
People saw and helped.
Thankful,
For this person, who’s changed my
life.
No matter what may come.
Allowed me to see, grow,
Suffer hardship, and grow stronger.
To see in many ways I did not.
To live a life, so different from my past,
To see, to open my eyes,
To a new perspective.


Been going through a really rough two weeks, if not probably longer, sorting stuff out in my head. Said goodbye to someone I care about deeply. More than anyone else to be honest. It’s been rougher than anything else. Saying goodbye, yet I try to check up on her to make sure she’s okay, all too often. But when I do, I realise there’s nothing I can do, we’re not talking.

Talking to a mutual friend they gave great life experience and advice, I showed myself without seeing until I explained and then did see how the past scars still held me, even when I thought they had closed. They hadn’t. The deep-rooted fears and anxieties and traumas.

Causing me to wreck everything rather than risk going there again. And only causing more damage in an attempt to avoid it.

So I’m changing everything. Being healthier in so many aspects, healing my mind bit by bit, changing my thinking, trying to be better. An uphill battle. But trying anyway. It’s getting easier, calmer, less painful, but also maybe less feeling. I don’t know if that’s good. But if not, I’ll sort that out too. Doing this all for me, so I hope I can be there for them. As I care, been through similar scars that they are going through, and care about nothing else, than to just be there to help them through it, even if it’s just to chat shit and distract them.

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A Sign, Unexpected

A sign unexpected,
Beyond any expectation,
Beyond any glimmer of comprehension.

A sign, showing me truth, showing me care,
Showing me confidence.
But also, showing me my scars,
My wounds, I had thought healed,
Opened and festering.
Without care I hoped to close,
To ignore.
That it had disappeared.
It hadn’t.
Just resided until again.

The pain still raw, still real.

It’s showed me.
The need to close,
To heal,
To end the chapter.
To cease its pain.
So a scar left will just be that.
A sign, a reminder, of the past.

It’s showed me.

It’s truly showed me.

From this sign, unexpected.
From a place unknown.

A message never expected.

A truth to be known.
A truth I didn’t see.
But now see clear.

I still, with this sign,
Know what to do,
But not the way.

I can only guess,
And truth my heart and mind.
To let go of the pain,
To let go of fear,
To see and to trust.
To rebuild,
To remedy.
To be kinder to myself,
For I’m here trying after all my struggles. After all the pain and scarring.

To find and cope.
To make whole again how I had been shattered, so long ago.
Yet the cracks remain fractured wide.

I will try.
I will try.

The first step was sight,
To see the pain still beneath,
The scars still left open.

Hopefully I can get peace,
After those scars are closed.
Hopefully I can find,
Be ready to find what was lost,
When I do this.


A happier poem has been long overdue, this is happy-sad, writing this way too late before work tomorrow but I have to for me and my mental health.

It’s happy and sad, happy for finding, happy for being and seeing, sad for losing, but happy for the hope of it getting better and maybe getting back what I regret to have lost. But needed to for getting back on track and a new perspective.

I aim to write a blogpost on another blog I have about hardship and how it should be embraced and learnt from for its forging elements. But will do that another time, hopefully tomorrow unlike I planned to today.

I haven’t added an image to a post in a long time. But this one deserves one. I was going to look at the site I usually went to. But was looking for a meaningful one. But. It hit me. There was only one image. The image that changed me, the time that changed me, the sunset I can never and would never want to forget. The one that started this life- and mind-changing journey. Started the confidence, the care, the pain, hardship and growth. It started it all.

Done Hiding

Done hiding,
Hiding from my past,
My feelings,
My torture.

It drains too much from me.
Kills me inside.
Living a falsehood, a lie.

But I cannot lie no more.
Not even if I wanted to.

I am done.
In every such way.
Done with the hiding,
Done with the pretence.

Done with all the fucking shit.
Everyone with a problem can go check themselves,
Check their fucking minds and lives.
I will not hide mine no more.

I am done.

I’m gonna be me and how I have to be.
Cannot cope with any other alternative anymore.
Not anymore.


Writing this, thinking, I’m tired, tired of hiding myself under a lie I tell everyone else. Tired. If admitting to mental health stuff loses friends then they’re not worthwhile people in my life. I don’t care anymore. 13 years all living a lie, to myself and everyone else. It’s just too tiring now. Hence I wrote a blogpost on a different site for my photography and my mental health.

I had it fully written for a week before posting it to my FB. And the idea I put off writing about for months. Because I was afraid of people thinking “well that guy’s fucked up” or “this isn’t the guy we knew”. Know it might not have been, but it was the truth of me. I was reluctant to write and post this.

Especially seeing people write about mental health openly and feeling trapped and caged so I couldn’t.

I’m just too tired for any of the pretence now, with my mental health I barely have any energy for anything else, without also having to construct a human that’s doing fine on top of all of that.

Imagine the energy to simulate a human functioning fully and positively on a computer. That’s been my brain for 2 years, the real me and a pretend for others to see.

I Hope

I hope,
Things get better,
Just better for us,
As the drift and fade may take.

But. I just hope.
Hope more than I can.
Hope to the whole world.
Hope,
Even as I’ll miss all the times.

Missing those such good times.
Times that’s shaped me,
Forever.

All I can,
Is hope and try.
But never forget.
How you shaped me.

Gave me hope, kindness,
That I never had.
I’ll never forget.
Can never forget this.

I never want to,
Forget the lessons shown.

Giving me such light to my soul.

Such light and hope.

I wish you every kindness,
That the world can offer.
I wish it all to find you.

I’m sorry.
That the path made was this one in end.
But not the journey, strength, hope.

A path I’m glad I found. You.
I’m glad.
You’ll never see this,
My gratitude.
The positive impact.
The hope and kindness.

But I hope the message reaches your soul.

As you’ve shown life to mine I cannot describe.


Writing this, happy-sad. Thinking, the way my life’s been changed. Been changed all for the best. Everyone working out their own things, their own journey, mine included. And despite how things appear. Mine’s been changed for the better. Purely for the better, even if I may not see it at times or many times. A special place in my heart for these times, a special place truly.

Tally on My Heart

Your kindness,
A tally on my heart.
Every moment,
Every time,
A moment,
A place and time,
To lose myself in the moment.
In the past I am lost.

Oh how you picked me up,
Let me in,
Let me,
Share.
Every kindness,
Expecting it to be the end,
But you show care,
You care more and more,
And I, truly, ever, fall in love.
Falling in love harder and harder.

No matter what happens,
Our trials and troubles,
Care,
From what is remembered,
The kindness shown.
A light to keep going,
To hold onto.
A trial.

This tally in my heart,
Oh it hurts,
Hurts to see this kindness so,
After all this time.
Thought it impossible to find.
But found it though.
As I stand in awe,
In total aw.

Listening to that song she sang,
Always hearing it in her voice,
Calming, chill, happy,
Thinking,
Oh how she,
Oh how she helped me,
Helped me to,
To see and to find my own,
My own confidence in life.
Finally being free.

The road travelled may still be hard,
It will be.
But it’s brighter.
Brighter with me.
Always seeing her,
In my confidence,
How she showed me,
Showed me to find me.
To find it again.

Finally being me,
Being free and happy.

I did this myself,
It all an achievement for me,
But she helped me to see,
Helped me to look,
To try, to find, to be.
To find this spark of life,
To live life,
To be free and happy.

She showed me,
At a time,
I couldn’t find, but stopped trying.

She pushed me to try.

All of this to say.
No matter what happens,
My heart is forever etched,
With the tally of her kindness,
Of which I shall always repay in kind.

For I so care,
More than I care to say.
Because, it’s caring,
So much it hurts me,
But the pain,
It’s out of care.
It hurts, but it’s nice.
The nicest feeling in the world.

The pain,
It reminds me,
It’s all for caring,
And that is why it’s okay.

To be there,
For another,
No matter what may be,
No matter their troubles, problems or pains.
I shall be there,
To hold and face it with them.
To stand against it.
To let them shine past their demons.
Just as they’ve convinced me to fight mine.

Giving me such a power,
Such a feeling,
To stand and move,
To shake the world,
To forge my own,
Making life.

Oh how the tallies,
She has etched,
Engraved onto my soul,
Bringing me back,
Back to life,
Giving me confidence, giving me sight.

It’s just, I’ll never forget,
This tally on my heart.


Been writing this for a couple of days to a week, thinking, how I’ve been changed, how I remember, the tally on my heart, the tallies that she’s etched so deep. That I shan’t forget.

Hope from Uncertainty

1 ——————-
Hope from uncertainty,
Care from hope.
A will to try.
A will to be,
Living in being,
Being in waiting and making.

Love in time.

To be there.

2 ——————-

The knives in my being,
From a me long in the past.
The scars burn,
But a new life,
Burns brighter within me.
A new light lighter. A rage to go on and forge ahead,
To find a path.
As the lights,
Go into peacefully,
I walk and walk I shall.
Walking into whatever I have.

But then again I wanna question,
What I thought as real,
Being. Feeling what was real,
As I thought.
But being, can hurt,
Itself, it can all hurt,
As you don’t see.
It can all break and shine.

As life, is life.

3 ——————-

The question, to face the cliff and fly,
To see fly.
To try.
Just as we try,
We walk,
We walk to that edge.
Just to hear that voice.

To be free.

To try.

When it’s easier to feel emptiness and pain.

Than the light you choose not to see shine.

4 ——————-

The light, the soul, resides, bursting forth,
Nothing to let the anxiety through,
Battering past the overthinking, the fears, anxieties and worries.
To find.
To make.
I break free.
I was shown, that I can cut my own chains.
That I can, and they’d be with me.
They care,
My person can be better and purer and just me.

With it all, normal but happy.
I can control my anxiety.
I can take control.
Can stand talk and be, be perfect.

It’s all perfect in its imperfect perfection.

How it all started,
By some sunset,
Far away.
The perfect time,
Just nothing,
Nothing but and just us.
Beauty in living in a moment.
Lost in being.

As normalcy comes back,
We find,
Find our way back.
Back to our complicated world.
A memory remembered.
Kept and held, in memory.

As I lose the world, my own thoughts,
Drawn always back to you,
Pure bliss,
Knowing,
I’d give anything for you,
Everything I could to help,
To be with you,
To make you happy,
Valued, helped and all the greatest of times.

Pure bliss,
From a time, out of nowhere.
From normalcy pure bliss,
Completeness,
Wholeness.
Oh how perfect.

Perfect to find life in but a single day.
To find it all.
By a complete surprise.
Surprise found in amongst it all,
To find, it now.
How it rushes past.
Now in memory,
But lived everyday.
In every, and all those smallest moments.
The times as they come.
They find and are perfection.
How they are pure bliss,
From utter normalcy.

Showing, a sign,
Of the beauty in all those everyday things,
Perfection from it all.
Perfection in the smallest of times.
Times that show, that grow and completely take over.
Changing my life for the better.
Changing me in all those ways I could not find before.

The ways it goes,
In those unexpected ways and times,
Bringing forth a strength, a power,
To be, make and claim life,
My life for my own.
Making me better, better at being me.

A beauty from being,
It is beauty, from living in the sunshine, light and life.


1 ——————-

Saw my friend, a good friend, we chatted, about all sorts. Lots of different stuff. Lots. It was good, amazing. Asked them how they felt about me, they said they were unsure, they liked chatting and hanging out and that they had their own stuff to sort out. Fine by me, so do we all, some more than others. But I’m cool with that. I love helping and trying and caring so that’s no problem.

Lots of stuff recently has gone on.

2 ——————-

Writing this the next night, a two-day written poem, two ideas, two different ideas, two days brightened by this purely amazing person. Today even better, much much better than yesterday, so so so much better! The same theme, care, love, waiting and caring, helping them to be stronger, or more accurately to show them how so strong they are. To show them they don’t have to be afraid to talk to me, to show me personal stuff. Just as they’ve showed me in return.

Amazing day, hanging out with them, talking, chatting, and messaging.

This person is amazing, unlike no other. Makes me feel like to other, makes me care like no other, worry like no other, be better like no other. Makes me feel like I can be myself like no other.

3 ——————-

Again a different day, different time, but it doesn’t matter. It’s all a mix. Just a try. To step forth and fall.

All about that choice.

4 ——————-

Was asked, if I wanted to go to watch sunset with this person. Haha. After their last exam. Nothing I’d love more. Nothing.

This poem. I’ll finally publish almost a week after its start. Each section a snapshot of me, my moods, changes, how I feel, how it changes and I’m showed, how I’ve been changed by them. 4 weeks and seeing one another everyday but 4. Amazing. Perfect. Not totally easy or without worry, but perfect in how it’s whole, good, bad, pure, kind, and amazing in its perfect imperfection. I’ve been changed, I’ve gotten confidence, they’ve showed me that I can, I’ve gotten better in everyway, for everything and I owe them. I had all of these things, but for so long I’ve not been shown that I could. So I hid. I hid. But finally I feel free. Feel better than I have in my whole life, my whole life. So many things have changed, my outlook for so many, my mood and happiness, better able to control my anxiety, to talk about it, to admit it to myself and her. It’s perfect. Even tonight, chatting on FB from early morning, and in the evening, chatting on the phone from 8:30pm till like 12:15am. Was good to chat, some deep, some funny, joking, teasing, looking each other’s past posts and all sorts of random stuff. We even said we’d get presents from each other’s homes. I now need to think of what to get. This call was perfect, sweet and bliss. I feel the luckiest person alive just to be able to see her.

This poem is random, but means the world to me, for what it means to me.

The Day My Life Changed

The day,
Unexpected,
Unusual.

Sharing in a normal day,
Losing track of all the time.
One thing to the next,
The ebbs and flows of the river.
The beauty of a simple time,
Simple,
Open,
Freeing.

A beautiful day,
The one that changed.
It changed me.
In little to no time.

A sweet time.
As the sun shines,
The birds sing and the world seems brighter.

So nice,
Casual living,
Living and being.
Being… in the moment and free.

So thankful, for the beautiful time,
The time, the day that changed me.


Feeling amazing, everything is good, everything is perfect. Met a friend, for a casual day taking photos on Tuesday, then we chatted so much instead of any photos. Later met at a bar which again was amazing. Chatting for like 4 hours. Met them everyday since but one for like a week. Thursday, we met up for a house party before going out clubbing. So much. So good. Friday she met me after I finished work, we met up for some food, and then chilled on some grass chatting and playing around before staying over at their’s. Saturday we chilled for a bit before getting ready for a DnB night out, such an amazing night. So amazing. So amazing. And even today, Sunday, I met them before their shift to see them, chat as they didn’t feel well, and it was all cool.

This week,
Has honestly been the best one ever.
Nothing bad has happened. Longest time without anxiety, without any negative feelings, maybe the occasional, but then remembering this week, what’s happened, it just makes the negative feelings just float away. They care, and I care about them more than anyone else. It’s amazing.

Everything’s just pure, casual, amazing and being is perfect.

Being In Moment

Being in the moment,
Living in the time,
Nothing else mattering,
Looking at this vista,
Taking in all the sights that are before me.

As I see the patterns,
The beauty in all the shapes of being.
Out there and I see,
I see and it makes me,
Made by me,
Again acting in turn,
Bringing me to find a way,
Allowing me,
To find my own.

All in this moment,
The sweet song sings.
Nothing to fade this feeling.
I can grasp onto,
Never letting go,
Because I can make it through,
Because I will make it through,
Make it my own.
Bringing forth my light.
Finally can put my demons to rest,
Never gone, but enough to hide them and starve them out of me.

Oh how this time passes.
All the songs singing,
As the times all go,
And I, through them, all the way.


Had the most amazing day, relatively uneventful until messaging on Snapchat. Just amazing, lots of random I significant stuff but apparently not so much, had made me feel so high, enough to erase or push back any hardships for like over a month. Never have I ever been happy like this, let alone for this long, or resilience to anything. To be honest, it’s hard to be confident or resilient if “the truth” is shown contrary, but I’ve been shown another side, one that’s brought, and I’ll bring with it.

All The Pieces

All the pieces of that sunset,
All those sweetest moments,
Those greatest of times,
All the pieces of a shattered time,
Falling into place,
Not without their moments,
Not without their trials,
But the pieces are fitting into place.

Confidence when it was all but there,
Happiness when living was all a wait,
Meaning when I had no outlet,
Voice after I had none.

The beauty of living in a time,
Being in the moment,
Living with meaning,
Meaning, my own,
Being,
Seeing and trying, with kindness,
Kindness in my heart,
In life and trying.


Clarity

Clarity found,
Place of being, feeling.
A time reminded, by those kind-hearted occasions.


Clarity, feeling better than earlier, not that I was feeling bad but conflicted. I think I’ve resolved it with the help of messaging a friend about stuff not even related to this. I can still walk clearly, freely, happily while still offering all I am able to help, all to try and help. Nothing more that I want to do in life more than to help those I care about.

Feeling much better, cant believe over the last week or two, I remember what started it all, so small and insignificant, but it’s made all life much easier to cope with, has made me happier in everything, looking forward. It was nothing, just a simple FaceBook message but it’s made it all.

Things are still difficult, many times, but it’s much more hopeful, much easier to bounce back. And most of all, much better to keep my mind on track and to steer it if it drifts off course.

This commission I’m a bit anxious about, not really anxious but wondering. I probably won’t get it as the person I spoke to said they’d most likely offer it to someone who’s more disabled by their health, but it’s worth a go and I’m trying. Just waiting to hear back now. It would give me an amazing project over summer to do.

We’ll see. But I still cherish the thing that’s given me so much life, soul, living, above all else. So much so that it’s probably pathetic. But I’m finally happy.