So Many Things

So many things,
So many things, I thought I knew.
It was real,
I know now is wrong,
My disability.
My reality,
Living,
In being.

In knowing.
I should know, should see.
But yeah.
Should see…


Wrote this Friday evening after going out with some friends. Not posted this on Friday because I was too drunk. Considered it after, but had to ponder what I had written, whether I meant it.

I am still not sure. And hence don’t feel like finishing it.

Many of the things ‘I thought I knew’ can still be true, even after that night where I thought I was so wrong. But, I know my overthinking.

Feeling a little better, not as good as when drunk. But. Feeling a little better than I have in a while. I don’t know what has been up, what is up. But yeah. Will have to try.

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Withdrawn

Withdrawn,
The mind, tired of hiding behind ignorance.
Only to see,
Only to embrace,
What is never to be seen.

Horrors of the past laid out bare.
A collection. Thinking.
And I think.

Down a dark corridor,
No light to be seen.
Thought to be new,
Until I realise,
This is how,
It’s always been,
But not wanted to be.
So I chose not to see.

To turn my eye.

And try to try.

And I see it all.
Laid out.
No matter.
How I try.

Thinking.
Wondering.

A path,
I tried not to see.

Bit worried, saw my best friend after ages, felt a little out of it. Been pondering recent anxieties. It was awesome and I loved it. Can’t help wondering if I upset them. They probably would never tell me if I did. But I do.

Thinking of experience, paths, future. Thinking.

Can’t Help But Think

Can’t help but think,
Feel, see and think.
A time,
One of many past.
Reminders, of all.
Oh how, what?
It all fills my mind.
Drives me crazy, but happy.
Wondering and thinking.

But what?
How?
Why?
Oh my brain hurts,
With all the questions and feeligs,
The being,
Bringing me,
Showing,
Hurting but also showing me life.

I turn away,
Ignore,
Walk down the path,
Shielding from my eyes,
Fearful of pain.
Wondering,
But fearful of the pain already felt,
Already found.
But knowing.
Thinking.
Feeling.
Wishing I could get past.

Oh how I care and it kills me,
Wanting to care,
Give the world,
Be a light shining bright.
To care.

But as I shield,
Pretend to ignore,
My mind acclimatises,
Forgets what it never will,
Feins to not know,
Bury deep questions that would crush.

Not a path I wish to take,
But one I can’t find a way around.
Caring.
A question, always causing pain.
But not always bad, but always hurt.

Oh how to explain,
Caring that hurts, but isn’t bad.
Caring that just is,
Just is caring.
A state,
Of being, been and to be.

Of it all.
I.
Can’t help. But think.


Totally amazing night, with old friends I haven’t seen in ages. But it’s got me thinking, deep pondering. Not feeling bad, but amazing, but deep in thought in a mixed way. Writing lots of, probably incoherent feelings here. Truth and ramble.

But the image is another I’ve taken.

Make Its Worth

Making its worth in the face of the dark,
Finding,
Making,
Mending.

Forming and raging.
Standing and staying.

Making its worth,
Forming from nothingness,
Reminder of the past,
Formed through the fire and the flames,
Breaking until known,
Till it cannot be felt.


Mixed day, feeling good now I guess. People pissing me off and making me not aware whether it’s my overthinking. Highlighting the problem with my memory, lingering while events for others fade and leaves me remembering and thinking of something that has passed for others.

But ended with chats with awesome people and stuff. A reminder that some shit can be good.

Can’t be bothered putting any effort or care or worth in people who are toxic, they’ll just drown in their own toxicity.

Poem drifted across ideas and tbh isn’t finished, lost interest as I am distracted.

Ever-Present Thinking

Ever-present thinking,
All the times,
Coming and going,
The broken times,
And all the rest,
Ups and downs to be found.

With it all,
Running free in my mind,
In all these thoughts,
The puzzle to be found,
Ideas and hopes,
Being in all its forms,
While some things continue,
Ever-forward.

This ever-present thinking,
Keeping me in place,
Forcing me closer.

The times that all has,
A mixed puzzle.
A puzzled time.

The mixed thoughts,
All spinning round,
In my head,
Throwing me off,
Into a mess of thoughts:
Everything under the sun,
Within the mind.

With my mind ticking over,
Stuck in place.

In this ever-present thinking.


Feeling, not much better but less raw panicked state. Bit of a shitty day, for no reason really. But yeah.

Think, Feel, Be

Thinking, feeling, being,
In this place,
So gone and the found too.

So much promise,
In this place,
In these times.

Those moments to.
Oh what we do.
This place is too.

Thinking, this place.
Feeling all those times,
Being in the making.
It’s all in this making,
This feeling,
The stars above,
Jealous of a time so sweet.

The world shouting out,
In this ecstasy.
The beauty of the world,
Of the time,
Those times.

The world above,
Right by my side.

Making it now,
Making it through.
This time, place now,
So right.
All these times.
The ones right by my side.
In mind, place.

A world captured,
In those single moments.

Those sweetest times,
The world feeling so right.
For this very first time.

In this to trust,
To be,
To try.

What a beautiful world so pure,
For just the sweetest time.
Just waiting for that next time.

Simple and casual in place.

The past, present, future.
Made so pure,
In this moment.

The time to shout out.

The past not to define my life.
The time:
To think,
Feel and be.

Caught up by the moment.

Shouting the past down.
To a simple sweet closure.

With all the being,
Dark places left behind.
In this time.

Screaming into that past.
It’s not to define,
What I am.
What I try,
Be, me.

What a beauty.
This place, feeling, thinking, being.

All in place.
Just so right.


Talking to a friend on Moodtrack, was good, helped to get things straight in my own head. A fitting conclusion, to past, present and future. Dedicated to a friend so special, kind and nice.

Writing this, stressful but good day. But this chat and thinking has turned a meh day into one so blissful. Thinking. A closure for much past, darkness and off into this light I go. Able to weather all I want.

A rare time, feeling so right but looking back, putting the darkness to rest. The times to remember.

I am feeling so happy, so pumped, should go to bed now but my mind is racing in sweet bliss. I want… need to write more.

Don’t know if this piece is good, or if I will ever read it again, but the feeling I hope I remember. Don’t like reading back my poems, but this one I really like, or maybe the feeling now, the memories, associations.

Wrote a lot of this listening to some All Time Low, especially Missing You.

Thanks to everyone, everyone in my life, on here. Through all the pain, I’ve found a good place, I see much better, still a ways to go but better, much better.

Taken Aback

Taken aback,
A chance occurrence,
From nowhere, it finds me,
After I had given up,
It shows me,
Nothingness isn’t the state of the world as it is.
Nothingness is a state of loss,
Of a person harmed,

Ever-trying, never to let go,
To fight back the the dark embrace,
This is it.
This is the light.

Taken aback, after I lost myself,
Let go of the light,
Lost.
Those times,
Occur, leaving me taken aback.
By the reality occurring.
By the time that happens.

Taken aback, as colour flows back into the world.
As warmth fills my gone-empty heart.

Oh how I’m taken aback,
From this state of emptiness,
Loss, of the world.
A loss, to the world.

But in such the briefest encounter,
Briefest words in such a temporary time,
I feel,
There is more.

There is a warmth,
That once again I can feel.

Pick the Path

Picking the path,
A time of many,
So many roads to go,
The times come and go,
All authored and made.
Picked and lived.

Picking this path.
The mind’s changing tune
From the looking back on a time.

Picking this path of mine,
Of my mind.
Picking?
Or is it a choice.

The time flashing before my mind,
A time of so many,
Time to go and share.

All picked from the sea of the time.

Picking this path of mine.
Of the mind.
Of the time.


Writing this, came up with the name yesterday, thinking at the time about how my mind focuses on a good aspect and makes me happy or a bad one and it makes me sad. Same time, different focus and it all changes my feeling at the time. A good or bad, the feelings from the focus.

Path Once Tread

The path once tread,
A path forking before me,
Being pushed to decision,
A choice, mine, but also not.
Forced to take a path,
With pain either side.

The path,
Itself, shows me promise but pain on one,
Next to a barren path, of lifeless functionality.
Both paths, also behind me, chosen in a network behind me.

How I come to the forked road again,
Having already walked,
Known how both turn out,
Left with different ways,
Hurt, thinking,
But one gives me reason, but also pain.

But whichever path I’m on,
The other’s more appealing.
Despite rationalising each and how they go.

Know what’s good for me, also isn’t,
But is better than the other.

Still this question flows through my mind.
A time,
Waiting for the next time,
Only on this current path.

A single step shutting it all down,
A single step,
From the best and worst feelings, to the painless, but also all-lacking.

My choice?
My path,
A path once tread,
Still, stuck with a choice,
An impossible choice.

Choice, of a path once tread.


Thinking, very deep-in-thought. People often try to give me advice, but it always comes back a singular aspect, a lack of understanding. A piece of advice given, consistently, may work for others, but is one thing that always takes everything of meaning from me. Leaves me with nothing. A path once tread, more than once, I’ve walked many times.

The past times that I have followed, thinking it would help, always has left me empty, dead in mind but not in actuality. Only serves to remind me, how no one understands, can understand.

People see me as crazy, loony, often hurting myself. There is a difference, this is normal, but hurt can be coped with if being meaningful. The advice people give, often, takes one pain away, by taking away the meaning and making everything into a weird state of not caring about anything, being robotic and functioning alive as a human but not wanting to.

Leaves me to a choice I have taken, thought about many times. To take a path that may hurt, but gives me a reason to keep fighting, or to take a path without the pain of the aforementioned but only by taking everything of meaning.

A life of emptiness is never better than a life of pain, if the latter comes with meaning and a strive to better.

I’m writing this, knowing how the path has always turned out, but being somewhat compelled to take the path, to leave myself with emptiness. Emptiness of everything. Happenings of today.

I do not know. My tonight’s going to be filled with pondering.

I know the outcome, as always, but the choice has to be made, not making a choice is a choice.

Feeling a little better writing this, and writing tonnes on my MoodTrack. Better, but still lacking a solution, an answer. Just happier, thinking of my best friend, the best human I know. And something they said to me, have done quite a few times, explaining stuff, helping, but never solving, much like the path I’m on even wanting the empty one sometimes. She said ‘You just see things differently’.

Will still need a lot of time tonight to think, but yeah.

Reality Check

What is real?
The feelings,
The hurt, pain
And its cause.

Everyone,
Pointing, the same way, thought, conclusion.
I standing at the crossroads,
Knowing,
Feeling,
Friends pointing.

Yet unsure of the path.
Own self-doubt.
Unable to see my pain,
Hidden by the mind,
Lieing deep.
Hidden by the smile,
The thought.

Looking for a reality check,
A check on my reality.
To feel what is real.
What is now.

Feeling in the moment,
Yet unsure.
The path forking in many places.
Friends showing me the way,
Showing me the way I already knew,
But wasn’t sure to believe.

Did I want to believe,
What happened,
All that happened,
Happening in the moment.

Kind friends,
Seeing the pain,
Before I could.
Watching the drift down the path,
Down the river,
Nearly drowned.
Their hands always held out,
To grab hold.

To save me,
Pure kindness.
Kindness at its best.
Humanity’s purest.
Redeeming,
Kind.

Checking the, my,
Lived reality.
Knowing, feeling, known.
Checking.
To the same answer.
Honesty,
The current life flows,
The way a river goes.

Check,
My reality check,
My lifeline.


Writing this about my tendency to check my personal perceptions of things against other people’s interpretations. To check my own perceptions. An unfortunate side effect of Asbergers. Not feeling bad, having a good day. Just pondering I guess.