To Those Who Try To Help

To those who try to help,

Those who continue to believe in me.

I’m sorry.

The path I take, I try to make.

The doors closing on me,

A lost cause.

A hopeless mess,

When I’ve come so far.

All thrown back into my face.

As I try to make my way.

The path I try to plot, to escape the darkness of uncertainty.

I’m sorry.

The path is lost,

The bearings lost too.

Left adrift.

Left losing the will.

Left with loss,

Loss of all, of mind, will and soul.

To those who try to help,

My gratitude is yours,

But I am left adrift at sea,

Drowning in uncertainty.

Without a place to turn.

The mind cannibalising itself,

Worries manifesting,

Uncertainty growing.

I’m sorry.

To all those who try to help.

I’m lost.

And I’m sorry.

My Affliction.

Memory of what should be let go.

Hearing that mustn’t be heard.

Senses heightened, for what shouldn’t be known.

To let myself live, in the present. At all.

The affliction of knowing, when one should ignore.

Caring too much as I need to break out.

Break my chains, my mind and spirit.

Break apart all that is held together.

Broken and shattered through my affliction.

Left Alone

Left alone,

That’s how it goes,

First to start,

Last to stop.

Left alone and predicted this,

That’s the way it goes.

The inevitable end.

The continuous path,

Expected and to be expected.

Left down, like a person with nothing left.

And loving it.

The rage and realisation.

The life and the longing.

The buildup and expectations.

The waiting and expectation.

Going on alone, as I know I must go.

The ongoing movement through time.

This onward treading.

The way it goes, and the way it must.

Ready for the shit that comes, as it always will.

No me gusta.

But that is life, the one I live.

The one I’ve been given.

The one I have and have to make.

The way I live, the way I go.

The good turning chaotic,

The way going blank.

The path turning off.

The way fading to black.

Living in the darkness and making it my own.

Owning the life that I lead.

Holding on tight to the war inside my mind.

Facing my firing squad.

Smiling in the face of it all,

In the face of the darkness and the pain.

Spitting in the face of death and darkness.

Making it mine,

Commanding it to my will and presence.

My will, it will become mine.

The path I must take,

Alone and smile.

The lonely road I walk.

To spit in the face of it all.

To face my fate,

To face my demons.

Spit in the face of it all.

The sinner of the world,

Of the darkness and the pain.

The path I walk.

The way I move.

The way I drift back and forth,

Drift off into the darkness,

Into my life eternal,

The eternal pain, ongoing and suffering.

To walk on and out,

Off into darkness.

On and off I go,

Moving on into the night.

Into the life that awaits.

This darkness I delve into,

Fight,

Rage,

Win.

Taking the pain,

Making it my own,

Making it mine.

Holding on in and through the rage.

Loving it with life as my witness.

Cutting the chord.

Stringing myself up in this life.

Loving ever second.

This rage and love,

Happiness and courage.

Weakness and strength.

Left alone, waking to my destination. The noose of the depths of the ocean.

And on I continue, left alone to my inevitable path.

Just Want To Forget.

Just want to forget,

To erase my mind,

To go on living,

As I try to make something of myself,

Get myself out of the dark ocean.

To set sail out into my world of my own.

To forget the darkness of the past,

The times to be forgotten.

To make my escape.

To start anew,

My new self, a new life.

The end of me.

Just wanting to forget, so I can escape.

Just want to forget.

Rather Not

Would rather not.

Rather not remember or know,

Trying to build a facade, to cope, to forget.

To erase from my mind the pain.

To get rid of the feeling, the memories.

To erase a pain, still so raw.

A pain ever-present,
Only merely tucked away,
Only merely hidden and put out of mind.
Only left,
A festering wound,
A corrupting influence.

Ripping into my mind,
Into my soul,
Hurting and pained.

The drops by my side.

The pain and the flinching.

Left out, in the open,

Hurting.

Dying in the open field.

Left. Lying, wounded. Dying.

I would rather not.

A world of keys, codes, my mind and torture.
Another day in the life of my mind.

Another day, waiting, for it to end.

To forget, so I can live.

To erase my mind,
To go on.

I would rather not.

Rather not remember.
Rather not be reminded.
Rather not be hurt.

Reminder Of Me

A reminder of me,

Who I used to be,

Free eternal, unbound and unchained.

Free-thinking, a spirit in good health.

Loving life for the friends who’ve touched me,

Those who unknowingly saved me.

To those I would do the same.

To save, to walk the ends of the earth for,

Those kind few, who reminded me of me,

Me of who I was,

Me of the worth of living.

The escape from a horrid past,

The needless pain,

To those who confirmed,

Who backed,

Those who supported.

I hold you dear.

Dear to my soul.

Dear to my being.

Those who reminded me of who I am and who I need to be, should be, will be.

Linger on Every Word

Phone rings,

Your name,

A picture, your beautiful, pretty face.

I beam, despite the thoughts.

Left thinking, wondering.

Answer to hear your voice.

Left lingering onto your every word,

The cute voice,

Sweet sound,

That warm presence you give,
The care I wish I could show,
The smile you have,
Transmitted through sound,

Warms my heart,
Warms my soul,
Like a warm blanket,
To lay next to you.
That smile,
Your face.

I linger on every word,
Every giggle,
Every chuckle,
Every feeling.

Even if I shouldn’t,
I linger on your every word, your every smile.

 


My following my blog post, my crush called me, made me feel a little better while talking to her, she sounded sleepy and cute, and I care. Told her to sleep longer before coming to meet me to do some work together, that she wanted to do. That’s the inspiration.

So many mixed feelings.

Trying to Forge Protections Among the Storm

Trying to forge protections among the storm.

My crush, the person I’ve loved since November 2015. Knew they liked someone else a while back, we stopped talking, we’ve talking recently since March. My feelings grew again, despite my trying to kill them, having tried to kill them before. Had a picnic with her and the guy.

They both are close, I am not against that. I just cannot go on like this. Even before we started talking I thought we needed to be separated further and I’ve seen her almost every day since March, even late night calls, many, if not all of my recent poems are about her, thinking of her, or about me thinking of her. The poems that started this blog were of her too.

I know we’ll need to drift apart, have been waiting, not wanting, but knowing it’ll be needed. It’s her birthday this Wednesday. Will wait till then and have to cut contact. I don’t want to hurt her on a day of celebrations.

Don’t want to, I have no bad feelings, it’ll end on better terms this time than before I think. I cannot continue. The pain, the mirage of feelings, the inspiration to my poem Mirage.

I talk about the hierarchy of lies, that you cannot tell, between real and truth, between one lie and another. Looking at all the details for hints she cares, looking for hints of anything going on, hints to see if it’s getting bad. Lies to say it’s amazing (I say ‘lies’, but I cannot tell them from truth anymore).

There is no truth, only a web of lies that I pull to convince myself I can make the next day, a day at a time. Not going to lie, it’s my state of mind now, I have been better recently, but better because of the ‘lie’ I probably am telling myself, but living like this, it’s like dragging yourself through a sea of razors, it all hurts and there is no point, but you do so as that’s what you know, that’s what others want to see (you being okay).

But. As always. I shall keep dragging myself through that sea until I can’t go no more.

 

This is what I got my crush for a present. Fox Necklace, the reasons behind the fox? We met and she was doing an animation about a fox, and I still remember the animations, what it looked like, the times chatting. I got her a fox present, some small notebooks and stuff that I saw over Christmas 2015 and reminded me of her, and been meaning to get her something like this since April 2016, but we had lost contact by then.

Life and What It Makes You.

Feeling betrayed by all you care about, taking compliments poorly dressed as compliments. The pain, the hatred, you usually brush away, you usually dismiss as in your own head.

But when they tackle it head on. Point the blame on you, your faults, your weakness, you uselessness, grab every barrier you can hold and plunge it under into the icy depths of the mind, of life, of existence.

Then you realise what life wants to make of you.

What everyone tries to corrupt you to.


 

A fist to the face,
A heart ripped out,
Trust of a friend carved out from your very soul,

Hahahaha
Time to rip this out,
This life has won,
All the people have one,
I’ve given up fighting,

Internalise the pain,
Internalise the strife,
Bend it to your will,
Unleash the pain,
Unleash the anger,
Make it your own

This is how you make your life yours,
Everyone wants you to kill the kindness inside,
It’s too much trouble to keep it in,
Too much trouble to keep it penned up.

Unleash it on the world.

Show them what they made you.

This is what you asked for.

So take it.