Caring to Goodbye

Caring to goodbye,
An attempted end,
Seeing you, close to another,
Saddens, yet also fills me with joy.
Knowing yu can be happy,
Even as I wish I could do that.

Knowing I care,
But caring hurts.
Knowing you,
But knowing it’s not good for me.
But also it is.
The best feeling,
Unparalleled in simple beauty.
Also dark,
In the overthinking of my mind.

I will miss the good times,
The helping, understanding friend.
Who never understood,
Never will,
How much I care.

I wish you to be better,
Wanting to avoid dragging you down.
A silent, caring goodbye.
Ended but darkness.
Abrupt and unknown,
May be the best solution.

But I don’t mind.
As long as you can be happy.

I care,
No matter if I try not to.
I care,
Even if I fool myself I don’t.
I care,
Enough to a painful goodbye I’ll never say.
Never say, to help you.

Easier to forget someone you hate,
Why you make it so difficult for me.
I can never hate you.
I have tried.
I will try most likely.

Wanting to avoid, when you find someone you care for,
That will break me inside,
But also make me happy, to see you happy.
I need to escape,
To save myself the pain.

A question awaiting answer,
Put off until recently,


I am better, sad poem, maybe but I’m not sad. Sad that this may be a last goodbye, but wishing all the best and as always all my care. But I need to let go, of what is good but never true.

Again, I’m okay but need to let go, of what I hoped but is never true. To live in the light and truth.

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Too Much Care

The moment I realise my lie,
Caring too much,
Caring more than I can say.
It being unwanted?
Perhaps.

Caring alone.
Thinking of my past mistakes.
The mistake of me,
Putting in too much care.

Not realising before,

That it wasn’t wanted.

Something I tried not to see.
Because it hurt.
Thinking,
Is it worth it.

Caring when it isn’t wanted.


Overthinking, the past and present, what I should do. Just thinking . Especially when I cannot help.

Don’t worry, it’ll pass, this overthinking. As it always does.

Anger for a Lie

The lies you shared,
Refusing me the dignity of being,
Leaving me in torture,
Under your foot.
Broken and controlled.

Only others showed me your lies,
Gave me decency on your behalf when you refused.
Showed me basic human respect when you denied me.

Thrown off my chains,
Tearing my self out,
Out of the hurtful lies,
The bad situation.
The wrecked mind I had to piece back.

You, the orchestrator of my demons’ symphony.


Thinking of the past, how someone treated me, something I tried to forget. But stuff is happening like the same as before.

Finished writing later, not feeling so bad, a walk home, time to think, space, some good news and errands has put me in a better mood.

Cutting Myself Off

Cutting myself off,
Misunderstood, left in the unknown,
Unable to help those I care about.
Left out of the picture.

Patterns repeat,
Pain comes again.
Being warned away,
But not taking heed.
Needing to cut off.
To save myself.
Needing to cut off,
To protect, to help, to live.

I do not want to,
Cut away the feeling.
But it may save me,
By killing a major part.

A decision of me,
Decision of mine.
One I do not want.
Cannot take.

Funny,
How some things change.
How most others stay the same.


Feeling quite sad, sad I cannot help, that they do not know. The latter is for the best, but brings me great pain.

Considering legitimately, now, the first time in a long time. To cut myself off.

They have a friend, do not need me. I’m only the help for work, company or motivation.

I can do all those things for myself, but not worth doing it for another, if it only brings pain. But that’s the hard part.

It doesn’t only bring pain, but brings something so worth it, the feeling, that it makes the pain worth it.

I know this feeling, may be overthinking. But even then, one truth I know, my overthinking, is usually right, is the truth, but one I do not want to come to terms with. I need to. I have to.

Seems like it’s decision time for me. One I will make tonight, one way, or another.

Slipping Through the Cracks

Slipping through the cracks,
My sorrow kept under control.
Now unleashed into my mind.
My overthinking,
Over and over the waves of pain hits me.

Slipping through the cracks.
A pain.
Hurt.
Trying to forget,
In desperation to ignore the pain.
Thoughts racing,
Mind turning.

The pain, returning for a time.
A long time gone.
Returning yet again.
Emotions running wild.

Trying to gain control,
To gain control,
My thoughts running wild.
Overthinking.
My downfall.

The return,
The focus,
The attempt to not see.
The attempt to forget.

Slipping through the cracks,
The defences of my mind.
A pit of black.

To wait it out till morn.
A rough night to come.
Memories of the pains of my past return.

Knew the day would come.

As all from before.
Comes slipping through the cracks.
For a time.
Before I find the path, again.
My legs to stand on.
Before then, the pain comes.
Slipping through the cracks.

Anything For You

Anything for you,

Bracing my demons,
To stand beside you,
As you face yours.

Anything for you.
Even from afar.
Crushing my soul.
Making it gold.

The confused feeling.
The rampant thoughts.
The pain you leave me.
To no fault of your own.

Crushing my soul under foot.
To stop the feeling.
Or so I try.
Until you revive it,
Despite my best of efforts.

Bringing me back.

Anything for you.
Even through the pain.
I’ll rise.
Stronger.

Anything for you.
No matter what people say.

Worth all the pain in the world.
Just to see you smile.
That kindly smile,
The cute laugh.
The puppy-eyes that make me melt inside.

Thoughts I’m told to leave behind.
Feelings keeping hold.

Care still there.
Anything for you.

My Realisation

My realisation,
My awakening.
The knowing.

The pain and heartache,
The happiness and bliss.
The realisation.
My pain.
Also happy.
Confused realisation.

Sad acceptance.
Continued path.
Off and onwards I march forward.
Into the bright unknown I have built for me.

Sad existential angst.
The heartache,
Ever-present but controlled.
Controlled but felt.
Felt but buried.

How I reconcile,
The unknown next step I’ll handle.

Burying,
Both the most dear,
And the most hurtful.

A golden time.
Clinging onto the bright horizon.
Even faced with the dark storm.

My realisation.

Final Goodbye

The memories,
The little moments,
Most casual chats,
All, being nice.
Those little things.

Never seeing how others see you.
I, always wanting to help.
But it kills me inside.

My biggest fear,
Realised, in seeing you again.
But totally worth it.
You are, believe it.
But I must stop.

You’ll never know,
Never see,
How much I want to hang out.
How this question within my mind,
Bringing dread and confusion.
Weighing on my mind constantly.

What I want most,
You to be happy, healthy and moving on to a bright future.
Wishing I could be there,
But knowing, I shouldn’t.
No matter how much I want.

Having to hate you,
To save me from feelings of care.
Ashamed and hurt by this end.
But no other path before me but relentless pain.

I’m sorry.
Like you will never understand.
To my core,
But given tough choices,
A step must be taken.

Having to tear apart the best parts,
Of us hanging out.
Finding the worst,
Holding them, as if they were the only.
Will be for the best.

Me to move past,
You to work on more important things.


Wrote a while ago and found the draft of this, I poem I like and also don’t. It’s complex. Not feeling too down right now, not as much as this shows, but… it’s meaningful and was hurtful when I wrote it. Not the same as it’s published date. Wasn’t sure about publishing it.

Holding Onto the Thoughts As I Feel Them Fade

Holding onto the thoughts as I feel them fade,
Fade away,
And off into the distance.

The memory, not in substance but feeling,
Feeling and meaning.

Offensive thought,
Fearful of the fading,
Afraid of losing the feeling,
This bliss.
Wanting to remember,
Grasping hold.

As I feel them fade.
Holding onto the thoughts.
Never letting go.
Remembering the feelings, the bliss and freedom.
How the feelings stay,
Yet also fade,
When I grasp hold, trying to remember.

To hold close,
And not let go.
To the feeling I encountered,
I felt,
I held,
The light bursting through all the darkness.

How I find myself holding on,
To hold close,
The feelings I found,
Even if they are only a happy lie.
I hold on,
In hope, passion and care.

Holding onto the thoughts and feelings,
To slow the fading.
To hold close those memories,
The deep care,
To avoid the fading into afar.

Out Of Mind

Out of mind,
I hide the feelings,
Scared of where they could take me,
Offered care and kindness.

Trying to keep the pain out of my mind.
To keep in the happiness,
A game of pretend,
To ignore my mind and emotions.
The pain that comes with darkness.
The shining light, that echoes in the darkness.

The mind, clouded with worry, sadness and uncertainty.
Trying to push all feelings out of mind.
Trying to save myself from my demons.

An attempt to hold strong against the dark.
To keep the leeches at bay.
To wipe my mind,
To save the body.

Out of mind is the answer,
Or it must be,
The solution I face,
Only way past it.

Out of mind.
To cope, to save me.