Autism

Been super busy, meant to write but had lots of travel to get home.

Did a good bit of Autism Awareness Training. It was really good, best training I’ve had. Few problems, it taught me nothing new, showed me how I already experience the world. And worst, it reminds me how difficult everything is.

If I had to describe living with Asbergers with one word, it would be “torture”. Imagine living, where everything you know, see, feel, can never be trusted, so you seek advice but can be constantly let down and hence left with nothing. Nothing known, not knowing.

My trip home was long. It’s good, but so weird, I definitely don’t feel like I belong here anymore, it’s familiar but alien at the same time. But being home for a day and a bit now it’s getting re-familiar, and going around doing photography is helping.

Can’t help but think back to the Autism Training. Hasn’t really provided ways to help me, but has proved recognition, and unfortunately didn’t provide any solutions.

Photography is a good thing, just to keep my mind occupied. Rick from Rick and Morty’s saying “just don’t think about it” truly applies to me. Hopelessly depressed, even on the best of days, just existential angst. But oh well.

I’m feeling really good right now. But it never really helps get rid of an underlying feeling of sadness. Can’t even explain it, over the years, so used to it, it gets fainter, but always still there, always continuing.

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Will Miss You

To be missed,
Times gone,
The world of it all.

The times,
A moment held,
In the memory of the time.
Nice,
How it all goes,
But then left, as the time comes to close.
Missing, before the end,
Anticipating, but wondering.
Thinking of the times,
Leading to this goodbye.
A simple goodbye,
To end, to cease.

Okay,
This feeling,
All there is,
The memories,
Keeping in touch? Hopefully.
So much forwards.
Hoping the best,
Wishing the best,
Wishing an amazing trip.

Just as the moment fades, anticipated,
Also enshrined.

Different

Different,
Familiar but the feeling is different.
A place I’ve seen,
But there’s a weird feeling.
Of familiarity, memory but disconnection.

A dissonance from my mind and place.
An unusual feeling.
Standing,
On ground,
Not my own.
But familiar nonetheless.

Going back to the normalcy,
A normalcy,
Out from nowhere,
To get used,
To be fine,
To move and go back,
To a temporary dissonance yet again.

The feeling will pass,
A curious thing.
A feeling,
Used to and unusual,
One that comes and goes,
Understood but not comprehended.
Why the familiar, the remembered
Elicit a feeling,
Of newness, yet also being always there.

This feeling,
Different and curious.
To ponder,
It will pass,
To move past.
This feeling,
So different.


Went home for Christmas with the family, felt weird being home for the first night and day back, being back at my Uni house today it’s the same feeling in reverse. Dislike this feeling, it’s weird and hard to explain. Familiar but also disconnected. Maybe it’s Just I’ve not been here for a while but it doesn’t feel like merely that.

Just trying to explain the feeling.

Those Winter Drives

Those winter drives,
Singing along to those tunes.
Worries fading away,
A time away from time.

Winter outside,
Friendship and wamrth abundant.
Those drives into the dark,
Yet also known.
A place to hold,
A time to keep in memory.

Stops and starts.
Chatting along with laughs.
All a part of one.
A winter drive with friends,
The wind calling,
World open,
Times abundant.
Hope everpresent.

These.
Times rushing,
Flashing in my mind,
Feelings flashing past.

Nothing but a smile,
For those winter drives.