A memory, so sweet,
Times feared from scars of my past,
A time nicer,
Filled with hope,
Making my heart melt,
A heart I’ve tried to defend with iron,
To cover the scars,
To stop any feeling.
But all this,
Melts in the face of it,
Melts with that golden smile.
A small moment,
But… what a moment it was.
A moment remembered.
Such a moment it was.
The smile, innocence,
Such beauty in a mere moment,
No anxieties at that time, just being,
Alive in that moment.
No purest moment, I have ever felt.
No words may describe that moment,
And I choose to keep it that way,
A moment in memory, emotion,
In the living of a mere moment.
A feeling, I cannot explain.
Why feelings may hurt,
They may bring despair,
Cause troubles and heartache.
Truly, despite all this pain,
That may come, due to feelings of the heart,
No matter how remote.
It’s the feeling that fills,
That wipes away all else.
That erases within that moment,
Anything and everything,
But that very moment.
Giving, feeling for such that time.
One beyond compare.
A moment, that gives,
Life, in a true scene.
A feeling worth all the time.
A feeling, being within this time.
Oh how, it feels, to be, to have seen.
How it felt, the mere moment within passing,
So fast, but pure,
So soon gone. But also not.
It, brings me to life,
Gives me a reminder.
A feeling that,
If it’s all,
Then I’m privileged to have seen.
A time my heart melted,
Their small peck,
How I grinned with such ecstacy, confused, happy, living within that moment.
The whole night.
But the best thing,
Was their smile,
Cute, sincere, a smile that could melt seventy Suns,
That could brighten up a room pitch black,
One that, made all the feeling leave me, while all the feeling flooded back.
Made the whole world fade out,
While I was stuck in a single place.
A happiest feeling.
A memory, a flame.
One that burns bright. That will always burn bright.
So long as I just remember,
Not losing sight,
Of life, from the fear and darkness.
Remembering just that true time,
Simple, momentary, but truly melted my heart into a mess.
To which they do so with every smile,
The sound of their voice,
Turns my head every time.
Trying to play-it-cool.
From all those times,
It goes to show,
My heart just melts.
Been exhausted, tired, dead and sick all day. Relaxed, or tried to escape, thinking. Feeling a little better as of now. Feeling a little myself. Been dreading everything today, but I can’t escape myself. I can’t escape who I am, how I feel. It’s been, fear of happiness, fear of being broken again. Fear of everyone being terrible because I’ve been scarred to my core, more, psychologically, than I ever thought possible from what happened to me. I always down-played it as being nothing that I over exaggerated emotionally. But actually, it’s scarred, it’s stuck, a few people and my best of friend, validated this, said it has, would, but that there’s good reason why it did, dispelled the idea I had that maybe I blew it out of proportion, that I was totally out of my mind.
Am I still scared, yes, sort of, still scared of feeling, yes, still scarred of lots of things yes, scared of my Autism and life, of things that may or may not come. Yes.
But for now I hold a memory, and a will, to try and try, to live, to live and try. To be. To be okay with being me, flaws, weaknesses, strengths, funny quirks and all. May I fall again, most likely. But I can at least try.
Gonna write a cringy love poem, been thinking about writing one for a while, but been scarred of accepting feelings, scarred of writing, been bottling what I know I can’t bottle, I can bottle and cope with bottling almost everything, but this is something I can’t, never have been able to, it’s not how my mind, my own Autism works.
So yeah. Feeling a tad better now. Will hold onto one of the best memories I have, brief, cute, made my heart melt, I question and also fear. But thinking of it makes my heart melt in totality, and I hope I can continue, to not be afraid of feeling happy, to not try and hurt myself so I feel terrible just because I’m fearful of feeling good. I’ll try.