Crying for the Times

Crying for those times,
Lost in every place,
Lost in whatever I know.

My mind,
Hurting,
Trying to reverse,
My regret.

As my mind wraps itself,
Trying to help,
Trying to be.

But it all feels empty,
I cannot tell if it’s
Intentional or not.
To save the pain.
My mind empties all feeling,
But at the same time, keeps it all close.

My heart aches,
The heart,
Trying, trying.

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That Flamed Feeling

The light,
A memory, so sweet,
Times feared from scars of my past,
A time nicer,
Shown.

A time,
Filled with hope,
Making my heart melt,
A heart I’ve tried to defend with iron,
To cover the scars,
To stop any feeling.
But all this,
Melts in the face of it,
Melts with that golden smile.

A small moment,
Nothing more,
But… what a moment it was.
A moment remembered.
Cherished.
So fleeting,
Such a moment it was.

Remembering,
The smile, innocence,
Such beauty in a mere moment,
No anxieties at that time, just being,
Just living,
Just feeling,
Alive in that moment.

No purest moment, I have ever felt.
Just free.
No words may describe that moment,
And I choose to keep it that way,
A moment in memory, emotion,
One there,
In the living of a mere moment.
A feeling, I cannot explain.

Why feelings may hurt,
They may bring despair,
Cause troubles and heartache.
But truly,
Truly, despite all this pain,
That may come, due to feelings of the heart,
No matter how remote.

It’s the feeling that fills,
That wipes away all else.
That erases within that moment,
Anything and everything,
But that very moment.

Giving bliss,
Giving, feeling for such that time.
One beyond compare.

A moment, that gives,
Life, in a true scene.
Bringing feeling,
A feeling worth all the time.
A feeling, being within this time.
Oh how, it feels, to be, to have seen.
How it felt, the mere moment within passing,
So fast, but pure,
So soon gone. But also not.

It, brings me to life,
Gives me a reminder.

A feeling that,
If it’s all,
Then I’m privileged to have seen.
A moment,
I remember.

A time my heart melted,
Their small peck,
How I grinned with such ecstacy, confused, happy, living within that moment.
The whole night.
But the best thing,
Was their smile,
Cute, sincere, a smile that could melt seventy Suns,
That could brighten up a room pitch black,
One that, made all the feeling leave me, while all the feeling flooded back.

Made the whole world fade out,
While I was stuck in a single place.

A feeling.
A happiest feeling.
A memory, a flame.
One that burns bright. That will always burn bright.
So long as I just remember,
Not losing sight,
Of life, from the fear and darkness.

Remembering just that true time,
Simple, momentary, but truly melted my heart into a mess.
To which they do so with every smile,
The sound of their voice,
Turns my head every time.

Trying to play-it-cool.
With epic-failure.

From all those times,
It goes to show,
And continues…
My heart just melts.


Been exhausted, tired, dead and sick all day. Relaxed, or tried to escape, thinking. Feeling a little better as of now. Feeling a little myself. Been dreading everything today, but I can’t escape myself. I can’t escape who I am, how I feel. It’s been, fear of happiness, fear of being broken again. Fear of everyone being terrible because I’ve been scarred to my core, more, psychologically, than I ever thought possible from what happened to me. I always down-played it as being nothing that I over exaggerated emotionally. But actually, it’s scarred, it’s stuck, a few people and my best of friend, validated this, said it has, would, but that there’s good reason why it did, dispelled the idea I had that maybe I blew it out of proportion, that I was totally out of my mind.

Am I still scared, yes, sort of, still scared of feeling, yes, still scarred of lots of things yes, scared of my Autism and life, of things that may or may not come. Yes.

But for now I hold a memory, and a will, to try and try, to live, to live and try. To be. To be okay with being me, flaws, weaknesses, strengths, funny quirks and all. May I fall again, most likely. But I can at least try.

Gonna write a cringy love poem, been thinking about writing one for a while, but been scarred of accepting feelings, scarred of writing, been bottling what I know I can’t bottle, I can bottle and cope with bottling almost everything, but this is something I can’t, never have been able to, it’s not how my mind, my own Autism works.

So yeah. Feeling a tad better now. Will hold onto one of the best memories I have, brief, cute, made my heart melt, I question and also fear. But thinking of it makes my heart melt in totality, and I hope I can continue, to not be afraid of feeling happy, to not try and hurt myself so I feel terrible just because I’m fearful of feeling good. I’ll try.

What Can I Do

What can I do,
But stand and stare,
Into the abyss and call it home.
Walking those dark streets,
Watching, as life passes before my eyes and wish it so.

An emptiness is all there is,
Emptiness and pain,
I try, but fail, to remedy.

All of my failures passing before my mind’s eye,
Filling me with regret,
Regret of being.
Sadness gripping.

I, lost,
Have not come to know,
Why I find myself standing here,
Or how to move forward.

So all I can do?
Stand and watch,
Hope and wait,
Staring at the cliff edge below,
Wondering,
Waiting,
Apprehensive,
If the fall shall find a path.

What can I do.
Calmer now,
The emptiness has reached into my heart,
And tainted the shattered remains,
If that is even what they can be called.

Broken and trying,
Trying and failing,
Sad and trying.

All I can say,
Is that I tried.
Tried and tried.

As I’m broken again.
Broken and sick of trying.
Lost in place,
Sick of being me.

Scraping against the wall,
Hurt, devastated, from all the trying,
Trying through it all,
All I can do.

All the toll.
The toll so great,
As life closes off its doors,
From all, I’ve tried.
I’ve really tried.
Tried it all.

But left.
As my mind just fades into darkness.
Hurt, from trying.

Mind Dragging Away

The mind dragging away,
Pulling away,
Fracturing being,
Throwing,
Being,
Pain through thoughts,
So much there,
Just so much.
It’s always the same,
Thoughts after a time,
Just thoughts, after it all.
Thinking overwhelming.

Sinking and thinking,
As the darkness creeps in,
Flowing through my veins for a while,
Until the time.

At the time.
Trying to be.
Trying not to think,
But just there.
Existing and thinking.

Just in the being,
As I drift,
Thinking through the fall.

Oh how my mind sinks and thinks.
Drifting down and down.

Oh how it wont stop.
It doesn’t waver.

Just down and down it goes.

Breaking through the fall,
Making me so angry at being.
Anger at the thinking.

Pain in being,
Just cryibg out,
To be heard.

Wailing into the dark wind.
Sinking faster and faster.

Trying,
Alone in the darkness.
Just feeling.
But fine.
In the being.

In this time.
In place,
I feel, so empty.
In place, being, so empty.

But trying,
I feel.
So empty.
Trying. But so empty.
Empty in thinking, and feeling,
Trying, but.

Just dragged down.
Empty.


Good times this week. Seeing a friend last weekend, hard work on a project of mine. Work was okay but stressful today, but at least now I know it’s something I can handle and people have faith in me. Which is nice. Saw a friend briefly when they were in town, was over the moon to see.

Now just thinking, about it all. Feeling sad. Been wanting to write a lot of poetry but early nights have meant I haven’t really had the chance.

Thinking, for a while, how my mind, takes a happy time and rips me apart so I can’t be hurt. By torturing and hurting myself.

Memories as they fade

Memories as they fade,
As they fade,
Grasping hold till the let go.

Remembering,
A place of memory,
Of time.
In an attempt,
A promise to,
Also to myself.
In the trying.

The making and being,
In the face of lies and failing.
As I try,
To keep my head up.

To try.

As the thinking grows, tears at me,
As I try on,

To make,
It all okay.
As I try,
All the words flood through my head,
Overwhelm and all my thinking,
Wanting to stand still.

As I think.
Sadness grips me.
Makes me cry in pain,
Thinking, Thinking of it all.
My pain.
Isolation,
My lack of understanding,
Inability to trust my mind,
To trust my sight.

As anger grows and sadness stays,
Anger at my own mind for sight,
For an inability to see,
Wanting to know,
Hurting me. Just trying,
Just trying,
Just trying to see.
To be able to feel and not feel bad.


Went on a trip, a photoshoot with a friend yesterday, was really, really good, but thinking. Thinking. Reminded me of all sorts, even that night out I had a thought I haven’t in a long while. Feeling a little down.

Thinking of my experience and Autism, how I’ve gotten to the stage of hurting myself, insulting myself whenever I feel good, just so I don’t inevitably feel bad. I know it’s counterintuitive but yeah. Better I hurt myself than something else do it.

Just means I’m always ripping into my mind with a shard of glass watching the colour flow. Sadness of existence but never being able to see.

Beauty In The Sadness

Beauty In,
Beauty in the sadness,
Times, worries, hopes.
Being in the moment.
Moments to be.

Beauty in the trying,
In the triumph,
In the world and feeling.
Beauty in being,
Intricate moments,
Thinking in time.

Trying to be happier,
In the moment,
In the time,
Time passed,
Time being, feeling,
Making it,
Step by step,
Trying and trying.

Making,
To be.

Looking off into the distabce if my mind,
Thinking of the times.
Thunking of all the places
Memories,
Pains and trials.
Trying and trying to all my being can muster,

It’s about the care,
The truth,
Being,
And the times.
And so I try.
Trying to be.
To care and say.

Trying no matter what,
The darkness of the mind can muster,
Living in the care,
In the time.

To be and try,
I try, even as I may grow tired.
I shall still try.
To keep my heart and mind,
My soul alive.
And so I keep going,
To go on and try.


Writing this, a bit sad. Amazing graduation, amazing time before Christmas seeing my dad in London, amazing time back home just after Christmas, amazing time for my graduation. The end of an era. Worries, care, trying, memories. All bringing beauty, beauty in pain, and in triumph.

To Try and Show

To try,
To show,
Fighting a world, that’s fighting me.
Fightin to try,
Fighting to help,
To try and show,
Exhausting, with everything,
And having to take this burden,
To just plod through the fields,
To help,
To try and help,
As I see,
Such pain others hide.
Breaks me inside.
Always has broken me.

So I try,
Try to see,
Try to feel,
Try to show,
And it breaks me.

But I try.
Try to help,
To show kindness, care.

All the pains,
As the sight in a daily grind,
A glimpse I see,
One I ponder daily,
Just to see,
And I wonder.
Sad at not being able,
Able to help,
But wanting to try,
But knowing how,
Or if.

And so.
I see and on it goes.

All and all,
Collapsing around me,
And I just watch,
Trying,
But only left watching,
As it all comes to nought,
As I try.

Trying to help yourself,
Can bring the darkness.

And I try.
Try to show,
And fought every step of the way.

Left with nothing else to try,
To rip apart my mind,
To try and show,
Try and care,
To help.

Just.
Just to try.

Cannibalising my mind, my life,
For another purpose,
To help.

But it rips me apart.
But I’m left with no choice,

To try, to show,
To fail, and try again.
I want to try,
But it’s getting harder and harder,
The uphill struggle.

Even now I don’t want to.
The feeling hurts,
I really don’t want to.

But if I have to.
If I have to. I will.
Just to try and help.

So I will.
I’ll try,
I’ll hurt.
And hurt again after.
All just to try, to show.


Writing this, had felt happy today, kinda still do, but feeling sad. Thinking. My dad’s in a rut, so is my mum. Both separated but in their ruts. I have my own stuff to deal with but I have to try and help. I help this person I barely know in America, been chatting for months I think by now? Trying to help, be kind, let them talk and confide in me. Just to try to help.

I know I don’t like talking about personal stuff to anyone but a couple of close friends. But I may have to force myself uncomfortably so to try, or at least just to try to help my dad. Maybe it will, maybe it wont, maybe it’ll only make things worse. I never have liked seeing people in pain, have been accustomed to, seem very sensitive to this overall from past memories of this and my diagnosis corroborates this.

Really hate the situation I’m gonna have to put myself in, but will do so and try to block it out of mind. Just so I can help, or try.

But really don’t know what more I can do.

Mum’s stubborn and I give help and advice and she ignores or just puts off any hope for improving things even as I try to make things into small steps to help someone to take. My dad, well, I just don’t know how to help and things just seem to be getting worse. Or maybe this is all just in my head, but I really do not know. But I’m pretty sure it isn’t.

Some friends have even said, try to help but then you have to stop to keep yourself going. That is something I’ve never been good at. Ever since I was a kid. I remember in school an uncomfortable thought from my psychology teacher who was a psychologist in a prison, he said, “there are just some people you just can’t help” and I wrestled with this idea for at least months continually after that. And still to this day apparently. I know the statement is logically true, I know my friend was right, that I can’t try to fix my parents’ problems to my own detriment or against my own life, but I don’t really see a choice. It’s the last card I have.

I don’t know, it’ll be rough. It’ll be rough on me, having to put myself into an uncomfortable place, worse that many others in the past. But I just guess I have to try, just to help. Oh well.

Unforgiving Perspective

Unforgiving perspective,
One I try,
I owe, to do my best,
To try and make the world better, Brighter,
Because…
I owe.

I try and owe this.
Unforgiving,
Myself.

Even if all is okay,
In my head,
The overthinking,
It isn’t. It isn’t enough. What I do.
So I try, try and try.
Always wanting to do more.
Always oweing more.
So I try.

On with an unforgiving perspective.
I owe.

What’s worst,
If all is okay and well.
I hurt,
I, not hurt.
But want to do more.

I feel I owe.
I try.
And am never satiated,
Always unforgiving,
That I don’t do enough.

A story, perspective, on my life.
Always trying my best,
But never satisfied.
So until then, I try.
And want to try and do more.

A world away from the past.
How far I have come.
So much done,
That felt impossible.
I try.

But always unforgiving with what I try.
The trying.
Willing myself to action.
To try.
Fulfill a debt I have placed on myself.
Being.
Trying.

I try.
I hope its enough.
I try.
Though I never feel it enough.
So I try.
Try,
Keep on trying.

I owe.

Even as all is okay, I owe.
I feel,
I try.
But unforgiving in perspective.

Trying, to find a way,
To know,
To forgive myself,
To know,
To be.
To feel,
Okay, with trying.

I think. Feel. Try. And be.

But the perspective doesn’t leave me.
It doesn’t.

For many years,
This.
I try.
All I can do.
I need to.
Need to try harder.

Each memory, thought, burned into my mind.
Wanting to try harder.
Hurting.
Even as all is okay.

I don’t know.
I need to.


Writing this, thinking, mistakes. How I can’t forgive myself for many things even though I really know I should. I should.

I try, never feel it enough. Constantly reminded I know, I work, I’m friends with amazing people. Even if nothing is wrong, I don’t feel okay, don’t feel I’m doing enough. Even though I try. Even if no one’s said anything.

Don’t know, I forgive others without a second to think, but myself I cannot. I know I should. But yeah.

Thinking of my past, what was impossible and I have succeeded with a lot of it, going to Uni, doing any of it. Having got a job. So much. So much I’m grateful for, eternally grateful, but even having got so far, I can’t forgive myself.

Thinking of my diagnosis, and an article I read about Autism that had a high percentage of people with it cannot get a job, find it difficult doing simple things. A lot I’ve managed, with help from all amazing people. Yet I cannot give myself some slack. Maybe I should? I don’t feel I should. I owe it, owe everyone. But leaves me to being unforgiving of all I do. Not feeling I’m doing enough, even if I know it’s all I can. Always trying.

Everything is good, writing just thinking, of how I’m too harsh on myself but I really can’t help it. Never have been able to. Since I was a very very young kid. I don’t know. So I try to make up for it. Something I always thought of, as a penance, something I owe.

Yet I can’t forgive myself, even if I try my best. Everything is going okay, but still, the overthinking. I really can’t help it. I try. But my trying never amounts to as much as I really wish it would.

So I try. I keep on trying. To maybe come close to what I feel I owe, I try.

And I hope it can be good enough. Even if it is, I never feel it is. Oh well. Overthinking. Always.

People often don’t get my way of thinking, years ago, drunk, I told a boss I try, because I owe it to my job, I would have had to drop out of Uni if it wasn’t for my job. This isn’t why I got it, but every day I feel I owe. So I try. And always feel I owe more, need to try more.

Everything is okay, just overthinking. Always. But I try. It’s all I can. I can only hope all I can is good enough.

Face Of The World

Face of the world,
Trying, thinking, being.
Always trying,
Against the face of this world,
Trying with,
Always trying.

As I fall,
Stumbling across,
As the mind, the face,
I try.
Always try,
As I stumble,
Thinking.
Demons there,
But I turn my back,
To try,
To be.

Always trying not to think,
A pain of overthinking,
Trying to control.

Overthinking, the poison of the mind,
I’ve tried to remedy,
To fight so hard.

As I fall, to fight to get up.
To try and calm a restless mind.

Thoughts rage, as I fight to calm,
Stumble, stumble, and fall.

Trying to fight,
To rage my soul to being,
As it all falls,
And I try to fight.
To stand,
Pulling against the chains,
Weighing me down.
As I try.

Seeimg and trying not to think.
As I fight against my own mind. My own mind now,
Trying so hard.

Against the face of the world in my mind.

Sleeping The Day Away

Sleeping the day away,
A shelter, from thought, worry, anxiety.

From the trying comes my failure,
Worry, of failing others.

Broken, in time.

Have people lied so long?
And the truth is coming out now?

Is this state the truth?

Leaving me hollow, empty.

Seeing the signs,
My mind worsening.
A tumor growing,
A tumor of being.

Not knowing what to do.
I tried, I try.
So hard.

The brain, warping, rupturing.
Breaking down anything before it.

Wanting to cry it out.
But feeling so empty.
Empty as I look before,
Seeing my failures splayed.

Trying to find the strength,
To get through,
To make well,
To go out,
To free myself with passion, enthusiasm.

But I tire,
As the overthinking crushes every feeling,
Every inclination.
Feeling failure.

As I think, trying to will myself to betterment.
I tire.
Trying all.

Wanting to do my best,
To help,
To be kind.

As you pass and see the world’s beauty.
Don’t even feel like looking.
Given up on seeing.

A sad set of affairs,
Watching myself fall and fall.
Just watching, seeing the breaking apart. Helpless.

Only trying,
And everything people’s said,
Plays over and over.
A write-off for the day, as my trying ends in failure.


A stressful shift. Can’t help but think I did everything wrong. Always. What’s worst. Is me. Asbergers if I have it, is always thinking, playing all the worst moments over and over in my head, unceasingly. Making me feel sick and tired. Not sleepy but tired.

Was looking forward to doing some photography today after shift. But don’t feel like it. Just feel like sleeping the day away, so I cannot do anything else wrong. I did all I could, all I thought right. But at least, when unconscious I won’t think.

It started well, really well, but ended stressful and shit.

Again, what’s worst, it’s not like anyone said I did a shit job, maybe it was thought by them, maybe it wasn’t. But I can’t help but think and think. Till I feel like retching. Not even sure. But I tried. I always try.

Today is a write-off.

Hoping to heal, but yet another blow.

Can’t even think. I tried.

After recent stuff, really didn’t think this day could end so bad.
Hooing I could be on the mend.
But instead I feel myself slipping down in more ways than one.
Giving me worries for any future.

How is everything going so bad? Is it even? Or a fault in my brain?

Probably didn’t help that I didn’t take a break, but I didn’t have time, and would have preferred to not take one and try make better.

I don’t even feel like eating. I just want to sleep.

Didn’t think this year could go so bad. I have less stress paying for a Masters, more time to relax and do what I want, less stress with exams and more time. More time just to try my best just with work, to do good work, to help. To do good work.

Just losing everything. Hard. I just cannot escape my body or my mind. Trapped. Everything, especially me, just breaking me apart.

I really wanted to move away from home and now, I am losing myself, every reason I had, just unfeeling. I don’t have a desire to move back, but losing everything I wanted. So left with nothing. As I try.