Busy Emptiness

Sitting, in a cafe, in a bar

Watching as life progresses,

Others, their smiles, life, work, and occurrences

Watching through it all,

People going about their own lives,

In delicate interest, intricacies.

I sit here,

Watching, wishing, thinking.

Going through life a ghost,

A spectre of incompatibility.

Waiting out of place.

Watching without a home.

Existing outside of reality.

A ghost to reality, drowning in my busy emptiness.

Longing By the Window

Longing by the window,

Thoughts racing

Rain streaming,

Gloomy day for a gloomy situation.

Sitting by the window thinking of you,

Waiting for you.

Wondering what you would say,

Waiting and hoping.

Longing yet knowing I need to leave.

Knowing I need to break free.

Knowing I need to find myself,

And free myself from your chains.

Yet until that moment,

I sit here,

Sad and lonely,

Longing by the window for you.

Walling Myself Off

Walling myself off,

From the feelings,

From the thoughts.

Emptying myself of all that can be described as living.

To make strong what is weak,

To bolster my feelings

To avoid seeing my sadness

To wall myself away from all I know.

To be someone I’m not, no, not that.

To be nothing, to be no-one

Living in limbo, merely existing.

Within my wall.

Losing all of my humanity,

To save myself from the pain.

I have done this before, it wasn’t worth it.

But this pain is unbearable.

Walling myself off,

To stave off the pain.

I wall myself off.

That Time

That time,

That time you called me,
I was busy, but made time.
Everyone else at the party, looking, wondering.
I made time,
You were alone,
You were stressed and hurting.
I made time, that time.

Many other times.

Now I am next to you and you leave me, ignore me.
Feel like an extra part.
I know I’ve been used. Know I’m the extra part.

But know that one time.
I felt something.
Maybe it was just me, and it wasn’t there.

You’ve left me.
When I was always there for you.

That other time,
You upset,
I on the phone,
Just walked home,
You called drunk,
Upset,
Alone.
Not wanting to drink alone.
I changed and walked back,
We laughed, we sang, we joked, and played around
I was there.
You weren’t.
Those messages, snapchats and statuses,
About me,
To make another jealous.

I pretended not to notice.
I pretended it was fine,
Still do
Not mentioned it.
Not to hurt you.
Not to be hurt by you.
I cared,
That other time.
You used me.

Bursting to tears now.
In public,
Next to you,
As you still continue to use me.
Still continue to have me as an extra part.

I cared.
I care.
I hurt.
That time.