A quick blog but more really a note to myself.
I’ve never believe I’ve been smart even though I am told endlessly by everyone. I accept it when people tell me but never really believe it. Kind of (but also slightly different) like when people say I’m nice, I accept it (but what is different is that I know I’m nice and totally hate it with a passion hence I wish I was more like Negan from the Walking Dead, quick summary of him, a person who is badass, if he doesn’t like someone then he gets what he wants no matter what affect it has on anyone).
One quick aside, even over Christmas I met a close friend’s uncle (I think), got on with him really well and I was warned he’d ask me loads and loads of questions (and he did) one of the many was ‘are you smart?’. My answer as usual is, “kind of, but I cannot really be the judge of that” and then to go on how everyone is smart in their own right (something I wrote about on a different blog, a more academic one I have on WordPress).
Studying history at university you very occasionally come across people who seem to have encyclopaedic knowledge on random or niche topics. I must be one of them but never thought of it like that. What brought this up earlier today, was a friend told me their topic and I recommended a film I studied prior and they having researched their topic hadn’t come across that film that fits their entire topic perfectly, looking at gender, and class in courtship between 1930 and 1940. I picked a ‘perfect film’.
And through my whole academic studies from the start of secondary school to now doing a Masters, many, many classmates have always asked me and even specifically me questions about the course, assessment and stuff, I mean at me personally through direct message. My friend, or the two friends I helped today I know it’s okay and they didn’t ask and it wasn’t a problem for me. As most. I just like helping as I have this stuff in my head and I may as well make use of it if it’s taking up space in my head.
This leads me to the less optimistic part. I have been used many times since the start of secondary school I have been used for my head. Not that I really ever realised. That’s a bit I need to improve upon. Seeing through the most terrible people who merely think of themselves, use to their own ends and discards. People who are my antithesis in how I think.
My antithesis because I help because helping is good, it’s usually easy and non-costly, and even when it has been I often do it anyway. But it’s hard to see in my own head that’s not how others work.
I will not change how I help people, without expectation of gain. But I will keep an eye out and not offer help to those unkind, hurtful, accusation all, manipulative and self-seeking.
The problem comes, at least for me, to tell the difference. To give kindness to those who deserve it. To leave those who don’t To their own lives.
I am feeling okay, this blog post, may not be riveting, but has been very personal and cathartic for me. I hope someone else finds something of use in this.