Have to Keep Hold

Have to keep hold,
To stay strong,
To remember being,
Remember its worth.

The feeling,
To hold,
Onto life.
To stay,
To keep strong.
As the song goes on.

The body may tire,
But I’ve been there;
Living without worth,
Without hope,
Without reason.

But I’ve found,
Something.

Out of nowhere.

So I must hold strong,
To keep hold.

To keep on and on,
To keep trying and fighting for every breath.

Even as it may grow difficult,
May grow hard.
May rip you apart from the inside.

But you must try,
Try to keep true,
To stay strong,
To keep strong,
To remain true,
To yourself and everything.

The alternative is despair.
A path I have walked down, A path I choose to try,
To not walk again.

A path. I choose. To not walk again.

It’s way to easy,
To slip down,
Into the hole.
But I’ll try.
Keeping true to my goal,
To help, love and care,
To maybe keep my path,
My personal path.

A path of care,
I’ll try.

But it’s all to easy,
To slip and fall.
Remembering why.


Been good going home, been mixed for a large number of reasons, I’ve needed this, I’ve missed home more than the almost 5 years I’ve been away.

Been exhausted and low, low and unsure, I’ve needed the break, the time away to collect and soul-search. For my own mental health. Which has been pulling me apart recently, even if I haven’t seen it. It still does, and still will when I go back. But I’ve had a bit of distraction, bit of break.

Lots is still uncertain and in the air. But all I can do is try.

Finality

Finality,
The end,
It goes and comes,
The times and they stop.
I know and have made my peace.
Made my peace, knowing my own mind.
Knowing I’ve tried.

Been the best person I can, with all my flaws and mistakes.

But to let go.
To say goodbye.
I know.

I’m content,
The calm at the end,
After the storm has passed.

I know.
I see you.
I know.
I’m sorry.

But I know.

It’s okay.
It really is.
One present, one goodbye.
I don’t want.
But have come to terms,
With this state of finality.
An end gesture of care.
I always care.

I know me,
I know who I am,
And I will always care.
But it’s okay.

I’ve come to terms.

The finalty of it all.

Changed Me.

Changed me.
I’m a changed man.
How the feelings rush in, the good,
Fighting anxieties and worries,
Making me feel whole and found.
Changing me to seek change.
To be better and better,
To stretch and fly.

Oh, how it changed.
How I’m changed.

Listening to that song,
The one that only reminds me of you.

Always grateful,
Always remembering,
How you came in and shook up my life.
To show me,
To show me, how to show myself living.
To find, be, care and move towards life.


Feeling much better, now chatting again. Loving life, living life, wanting to be better for myself. To find and be. me.

Empathy And Care

It cuts deep,
It rages strong,
It cuts me to the core.

But it makes me who I am.
It is who I am.

I do what I did.
Out of care.
With no regrets for doing just that.
I’d do it again,
Even if it cuts deep.
That’s what you do for caring,
For loving.

To take away the pain.
Just to be, to live,
I’ll bare the world’s pains.
If it’d make you smile for a second.
It would make the pain of the world worth it to bear.

It would.

It just would.

It would.

Taking my stand,
Knowing my choice,
And why,
Even if I regret,
I won’t forget.
I don’t regret my reason,
My care.
I would do it again.
If it would help,
For just a second,
It would.

I would walk to Hell,
Step into the flames.
And bare the pain.

As I would know why.
I would see,
The care,
I feel,
And it would keep me.
It would keep me going.

I would see.
And it would free me.

I have chosen,
To take the step.
To take that step.
I have walked the flames.

Chosen to walk away,
Leaving behind my heart,
Leaving it out,
To take the step.
And it hurts,
But it’s worth it.

Care By Me

Care complete,
Care total,
No matter how it hurts,
Just to be there,
To care and be kind.

My promise,
A promise by me,
Promise got me,
I care,
I try to care.
I’m happy with this choice of mine.

Even as it hurts,
Myself calling out into the wind.
I stand tall.
Standing by my choice,
By my choice,
To care,
To be.

Sad as the times may come.
I can still be me.
Through the pain,
Care keeps me going.
Care keeps me free.

Beauty in the scene,
As I watch and ponder.
Sitting on the beach,
Letting life just be.

As I sit, wait, watch, and ponder.
My mind empties,
My mind calms.
Trying to set myself free.

As I wait in me.
Seeing watching.
Living.
Hurting.
Being free.
Love can hurt,
Hurts to leave,
To let go,
But when everything else ceases,
Care is what doesn’t,
Care stays,
As the heart breaks.
But it’s fine.

It makes life worth it.
Kindness and care,
Empathy.

I sit here and be.
Kindness abound,
just being true to me.


Bit of a rough mental health day. Very. Mood swings. Overthinking. My own mind, just playing it’s own games. Can not control my anxieties, but it’ll pass. Just need to wait it out. Thinking of my mind, me, choices, options, life and love.

Love this person, true love and care is doing what’s best for someone else, even if it hurts, because you care about them so much. You would do it, without question or fear, it’s worrying, it’s confusing. But made clear, because I care.

Tally on My Heart

Your kindness,
A tally on my heart.
Every moment,
Every time,
A moment,
A place and time,
To lose myself in the moment.
In the past I am lost.

Oh how you picked me up,
Let me in,
Let me,
Share.
Every kindness,
Expecting it to be the end,
But you show care,
You care more and more,
And I, truly, ever, fall in love.
Falling in love harder and harder.

No matter what happens,
Our trials and troubles,
Care,
From what is remembered,
The kindness shown.
A light to keep going,
To hold onto.
A trial.

This tally in my heart,
Oh it hurts,
Hurts to see this kindness so,
After all this time.
Thought it impossible to find.
But found it though.
As I stand in awe,
In total aw.

Listening to that song she sang,
Always hearing it in her voice,
Calming, chill, happy,
Thinking,
Oh how she,
Oh how she helped me,
Helped me to,
To see and to find my own,
My own confidence in life.
Finally being free.

The road travelled may still be hard,
It will be.
But it’s brighter.
Brighter with me.
Always seeing her,
In my confidence,
How she showed me,
Showed me to find me.
To find it again.

Finally being me,
Being free and happy.

I did this myself,
It all an achievement for me,
But she helped me to see,
Helped me to look,
To try, to find, to be.
To find this spark of life,
To live life,
To be free and happy.

She showed me,
At a time,
I couldn’t find, but stopped trying.

She pushed me to try.

All of this to say.
No matter what happens,
My heart is forever etched,
With the tally of her kindness,
Of which I shall always repay in kind.

For I so care,
More than I care to say.
Because, it’s caring,
So much it hurts me,
But the pain,
It’s out of care.
It hurts, but it’s nice.
The nicest feeling in the world.

The pain,
It reminds me,
It’s all for caring,
And that is why it’s okay.

To be there,
For another,
No matter what may be,
No matter their troubles, problems or pains.
I shall be there,
To hold and face it with them.
To stand against it.
To let them shine past their demons.
Just as they’ve convinced me to fight mine.

Giving me such a power,
Such a feeling,
To stand and move,
To shake the world,
To forge my own,
Making life.

Oh how the tallies,
She has etched,
Engraved onto my soul,
Bringing me back,
Back to life,
Giving me confidence, giving me sight.

It’s just, I’ll never forget,
This tally on my heart.


Been writing this for a couple of days to a week, thinking, how I’ve been changed, how I remember, the tally on my heart, the tallies that she’s etched so deep. That I shan’t forget.

All I Will Do

All I will do,
All I can,
Will be.

I stand tall,
Knowing,
I stand tall trying,
To show kindness,
To show care,
To show understanding,
To show who I am.

To be in this world,
To be as me.
To set myself free.
To show it to me.

And I stand to be there,
To show love and care.
A goal of care,
For all those there,
To be a face of understanding.

To show my care I want.
Care for all.
It is in this life the choices we make,
Good, bad, ugly and horrible.
The beauty of a choice in life,
Beauty in the infinite timelines.
Beauty in reality and existence,
More beautiful than ever known.


Good but mixed, chatted to P a bit today, nice, as always. Saw her IG story, people she likes have been flirting tonnes recently when they had been ignoring her, I mean I think she’s conflicted. Does it hurt? Kinda. But for me so long as she finds happiness that’s what matters to me, whether with me or not. I care about her too much.
I care. I love.
Remember her saying, her ex on a night out saw her grab and rub my hand when she left me. Said he never got the same from her, that we seem very close. She seems in pain a bit, I wish I could help, so I offer to listen at least, even if she won’t say, I can listen to whatever wants to say.
I honestly love her, she said before last night at hers when she was high that she’s scared to get close to me for some reasons she said (I won’t say), but yeah, it hurt kinda, but I understand, and want to do anything to help, will wait, will be there.
But yeah. I’m honestly good, brought to tears of joy whenever I think of her, but also a bit mixed. I love her and want nothing more at all than for her to be happy. Nothing more. After than, my mood was brightened even more, she called me at 2am and we chatted until 3, it was perfect, about the past, all sorts of shit and it was perfect.
I am much better, anxiety much better, Autism much better everything much better, I think, she’s proven to me, what it was all along; having people who understand me and anxiety, and who care enough to care, to consider how I feel. She does, I see her try, don’t expect it but it makes it all better, as I try to do. She asked me if she could bring her ex somewhere we’re meeting and I was shocked, she didn’t have to ask, didn’t want her to ask, but after a panic attack a couple nights ago that I told her about she did wanting, just to put my mind at ease but she didn’t need to. She gave me the confidence to tell her about it and that was all I needed. In the past, conditioned not to be me, I’ve totally forgotten what this feeling is like, honestly, it’s always putting on a face for others’ as they can’t take mine. Only my best friends see this.

Being In Moment

Being in the moment,
Living in the time,
Nothing else mattering,
Looking at this vista,
Taking in all the sights that are before me.

As I see the patterns,
The beauty in all the shapes of being.
Out there and I see,
I see and it makes me,
Made by me,
Again acting in turn,
Bringing me to find a way,
Allowing me,
To find my own.

All in this moment,
The sweet song sings.
Nothing to fade this feeling.
I can grasp onto,
Never letting go,
Because I can make it through,
Because I will make it through,
Make it my own.
Bringing forth my light.
Finally can put my demons to rest,
Never gone, but enough to hide them and starve them out of me.

Oh how this time passes.
All the songs singing,
As the times all go,
And I, through them, all the way.


Had the most amazing day, relatively uneventful until messaging on Snapchat. Just amazing, lots of random I significant stuff but apparently not so much, had made me feel so high, enough to erase or push back any hardships for like over a month. Never have I ever been happy like this, let alone for this long, or resilience to anything. To be honest, it’s hard to be confident or resilient if “the truth” is shown contrary, but I’ve been shown another side, one that’s brought, and I’ll bring with it.

I Feel… Overwhelming

I feel, overwhelming,

Such joy and happy-sadness.
Overwhelming in all being,
Being and living.
Glad in the smallest moments,
Calm, confident sweet and free.
Free, caring and being truly me,
After so long,
Living in a façade,
Hiding because I had to,
Felt I had to.

But yeah,
Being,
Living,
Existing but feeling,
A part of the world,
Caring and being cared about.

A smile to make my heart melt,
Small moments that last forever,
But also feel gone too soon.

Feeling okay,
Okay to show,
To stand tall,
Tall and proud,
Of who I am,
Who I can be,
Can be okay,
Can show who I truly am.

A warmth in life,
One I’ve never known.
So small in those moments,
But those smallest moments…
So beautiful,
Making this world shine bright.

Proud to stand tall,
For all I’ve done and want to do.
Through my art,
To capture and show.
A message of beauty for all to see,
All in wherever you look,
To find the beauty when the eye beholds,
To make, see and find.
To be the holder of your own path.
To forge a way through.
To make it all work out.
No matter the odds.

Just needing to remember the gold,
To keep hold.


The post I made last, was a rough morning but it was all turned around, it was my anxiety, but it was all turned around on that shift at work by a friend I chatted to tonnes, chatted to tonight. Has been the reason for being confident and happiest recently.

Lots of stuff, also tonight I’ve finished binge watching Game of Thrones to this point, very emotional and thinking of my friend. Just happy, emotional, thinking and happy-sad. A happiness with a tinge of sadness, thinking about the future about the past, about very small things. Feeling so very very happy, content. Not everything in life is perfect, but it feels so that it is. Just thinking, just happy. Happy and emotional that it feels slightly overwhelming, very overwhelming.

Even just writing this has made me feel a whole lot better, a world better. I’ve been so good recently, unbelievable, I know the cause, know why, know what started all of this off.

All The Pieces

All the pieces of that sunset,
All those sweetest moments,
Those greatest of times,
All the pieces of a shattered time,
Falling into place,
Not without their moments,
Not without their trials,
But the pieces are fitting into place.

Confidence when it was all but there,
Happiness when living was all a wait,
Meaning when I had no outlet,
Voice after I had none.

The beauty of living in a time,
Being in the moment,
Living with meaning,
Meaning, my own,
Being,
Seeing and trying, with kindness,
Kindness in my heart,
In life and trying.