So Many Things

So many things,
So many things, I thought I knew.
It was real,
I know now is wrong,
My disability.
My reality,
In being.

In knowing.
I should know, should see.
But yeah.
Should see…

Wrote this Friday evening after going out with some friends. Not posted this on Friday because I was too drunk. Considered it after, but had to ponder what I had written, whether I meant it.

I am still not sure. And hence don’t feel like finishing it.

Many of the things ‘I thought I knew’ can still be true, even after that night where I thought I was so wrong. But, I know my overthinking.

Feeling a little better, not as good as when drunk. But. Feeling a little better than I have in a while. I don’t know what has been up, what is up. But yeah. Will have to try.

Unforgiving Perspective

Unforgiving perspective,
One I try,
I owe, to do my best,
To try and make the world better, Brighter,
I owe.

I try and owe this.

Even if all is okay,
In my head,
The overthinking,
It isn’t. It isn’t enough. What I do.
So I try, try and try.
Always wanting to do more.
Always oweing more.
So I try.

On with an unforgiving perspective.
I owe.

What’s worst,
If all is okay and well.
I hurt,
I, not hurt.
But want to do more.

I feel I owe.
I try.
And am never satiated,
Always unforgiving,
That I don’t do enough.

A story, perspective, on my life.
Always trying my best,
But never satisfied.
So until then, I try.
And want to try and do more.

A world away from the past.
How far I have come.
So much done,
That felt impossible.
I try.

But always unforgiving with what I try.
The trying.
Willing myself to action.
To try.
Fulfill a debt I have placed on myself.

I try.
I hope its enough.
I try.
Though I never feel it enough.
So I try.
Keep on trying.

I owe.

Even as all is okay, I owe.
I feel,
I try.
But unforgiving in perspective.

Trying, to find a way,
To know,
To forgive myself,
To know,
To be.
To feel,
Okay, with trying.

I think. Feel. Try. And be.

But the perspective doesn’t leave me.
It doesn’t.

For many years,
I try.
All I can do.
I need to.
Need to try harder.

Each memory, thought, burned into my mind.
Wanting to try harder.
Even as all is okay.

I don’t know.
I need to.

Writing this, thinking, mistakes. How I can’t forgive myself for many things even though I really know I should. I should.

I try, never feel it enough. Constantly reminded I know, I work, I’m friends with amazing people. Even if nothing is wrong, I don’t feel okay, don’t feel I’m doing enough. Even though I try. Even if no one’s said anything.

Don’t know, I forgive others without a second to think, but myself I cannot. I know I should. But yeah.

Thinking of my past, what was impossible and I have succeeded with a lot of it, going to Uni, doing any of it. Having got a job. So much. So much I’m grateful for, eternally grateful, but even having got so far, I can’t forgive myself.

Thinking of my diagnosis, and an article I read about Autism that had a high percentage of people with it cannot get a job, find it difficult doing simple things. A lot I’ve managed, with help from all amazing people. Yet I cannot give myself some slack. Maybe I should? I don’t feel I should. I owe it, owe everyone. But leaves me to being unforgiving of all I do. Not feeling I’m doing enough, even if I know it’s all I can. Always trying.

Everything is good, writing just thinking, of how I’m too harsh on myself but I really can’t help it. Never have been able to. Since I was a very very young kid. I don’t know. So I try to make up for it. Something I always thought of, as a penance, something I owe.

Yet I can’t forgive myself, even if I try my best. Everything is going okay, but still, the overthinking. I really can’t help it. I try. But my trying never amounts to as much as I really wish it would.

So I try. I keep on trying. To maybe come close to what I feel I owe, I try.

And I hope it can be good enough. Even if it is, I never feel it is. Oh well. Overthinking. Always.

People often don’t get my way of thinking, years ago, drunk, I told a boss I try, because I owe it to my job, I would have had to drop out of Uni if it wasn’t for my job. This isn’t why I got it, but every day I feel I owe. So I try. And always feel I owe more, need to try more.

Everything is okay, just overthinking. Always. But I try. It’s all I can. I can only hope all I can is good enough.

Rage Through The Soul

Rage through the soul,
Upon those darkest days.

Throw me what you got!
I’ll throw it back harder!

All the fury,
At trying,
When it is thrown, back into my face.

Rage and anger,
When it is all done.
Rage against the dark,
Those who hurt,
Who try to crush me.
Who breaks into me.

I shall not falter.
I shall not.
I will not.

Hurt. When it all comes.
I try.
It is hurt, broken.
Hate for all.
Breaking away from my pain.
Defying all, as I merely try,
Only to be hurt, insulted.
Rage, fills my soul.
Fills my mind.

Anger at the inconsideration,
The horrible moments,
When those try to crush you.
Filth, fed up.

Wrote this, a rant. Had a very shit day at work. Started okay, as usual, a bit worried, but it was all due to me trying, trying to be better, to work. This is okay, I bring it on myself, as I always try to be better. However, what was horrible was something someone said. Accusations, blame and horrible. Harboured rage and hate for over 4 hours after. How rude! I tried! Tried and was given accusations. Especially who it was, they have a lot to talk about!

Total rage, a person, in their criticism, the most hypocritical. Stupid. Hating trying and being effectively told to fuck off. Terrible, horrible. Leaving me seething. Wanted to just quit on the spot.

Luckily, one thing I’ve learned well, is holding your tongue. It only ends up worse anyway. For the first time, thinking, it’s not worth it. Horrible. Makes all I was okay with terrible, lots of things I was looking forward to, empty. The year not starting, and I already want it over.

No words to describe my outrage, disappointment! Horrid!

Calmed down slightly, since, but still. I cannot forget. Horrid people. This is something I will not forget. Horrid people, with false and unknowledgable accusations, making untrue and uninformed assumptions, coming into something, not knowing and pretending to know all, to enforce.

What’s worse? The rude, uninformed assumption. I’d be okay with a question to make sure, a tiny piece of effort to become informed. But as usual, an example of coming out of nowhere, making an assumption on nothing and pretending it’s law, trying to pass it off as such. Something my Gran always used to say, ’empty vessels make most noise’. Raging at the moment.

Worse still? Fucking simple, kindness, a kind request, for information, or request for a task. Rather that walking it and making it all up, demanding. What I slightly feared, what many feared in leaving, well. Shown to be true. I am not looking forward. I tried to calm down, watching TV. But as usual in my head, nothing changes that this happened. I’m fuming. It will pass. The memory won’t. It never does. Kindness, it doesn’t cost a thing. Nothing. Yet for some it is too much to ask. These are moments when I’m truly sad, at how horrible humans can be, how they can show a lack of consideration.

Especially due to my own preconditions with certain codes I hold myself to, a lack of consideration, is something I see all too often, to say every hour would be a underestimate. But I’m aware of my weird code I hold myself to and that it doesn’t hold true to others. But. At least basic kind consideration. Maybe not as far as my level (probably too much), but maybe something showing consideration of another person’s humanity. It this too much to ask.

The Time I Try

To try,
To try through those little actions,
The reason to try,
Times I live.

To make a smile,
I do inside, beaming.
The time I try.
To give my all.
Those smallest of moments,
Of hope.

To be free.
To try my best.
To give my all,
For a smile.

To show kindness,
To be me.
All I can be.

Through those small moments,
Time and time again, I try.

To give my all,
All I can give.
My promise to you.
A promise to me.

Wrote this, a little happy-sad, feeling much better, pondering on this, and many other things…

I was feeling a little sad, then thought back to my ‘life’ so far, thinking of the past years and the situations I’ve been in. It’s a miracle that I’ve made it this far, from primary school, finding close friends, and always find close friends rather than superficial ones, always trying my best to be a kind person. Something I try to continue to this day. Kindness being the trait I truly value most, in myself, and others. There aren’t very many people I can point to for being totally unkind, everyone has their own point of shining, a point of knowledge, help, care, kindness. I mentioned in a previous post thinking I could compile a list of people and how they’ve helped me, I haven’t, but I guess, there always is a list, in my head, memories. Kindness, is something I remember best. I can think all the way back to a teacher in primary school, being kind when I was alone, didn’t think of it this way then, another, helping me through family issues, another being confident in my own work and encouraging me to. Now I think of it, I remember a lot more of the kind acts of people that I thought I did.

My situation studying the International Baccalaureate, total stress, but diligent work, throughout, against all odds, achieveing a grade I’m not totally happy with, but a near-perfect score is difficult to attain. With even the headteacher seeing me regularly at the time the school-building was closed and locked, and encouraging me to ‘work less’, something I’m still told today all too frequently by everyone I know. Haha, times change, but some things don’t.

At the start of university, making friends I don’t have an idea how I did, many good times, and bad, but helped to change me in so many ways. Financial difficulties with no government assistance and having to finance my degree mostly myself with tonnes of support from my family, (who have always believed in me, thinking back to my cousin (many years older than me) once asking me questions, philosophical, historical, political, cultural and many others, he said, “You were always the smart one in the family”, which I shrugged off, but was touching).

Throughout my degree, I worked hard, got a good grade (not as much as I wanted, but very good) somehow managed to finance it, despite, now looking at it, being in a situation stacked totally against me. Not even being able to afford my 2nd and 3rd years or my MA without my job, which I work hard to juggle around everything.

Even to now, trying to manage, juggling everything, not having had a day off from work in over 2 weeks, and not having a day off from Uni work in, well, the last time I remember is back in January. Trying to make everything work, work my hardest, still being totally kind to everyone I meet. Even one work colleague, saying it’s nice to see something good happen to such a nice person as it doesn’t happen often. With my lecturers seeing my effort today, joking, and pointing out the path I’m taking and giving me advice for achieving it.

Feeling much better.

Hanging Back

Hanging back, A little time,

Smaller chatting,
A kind smile,
Nice time.

A small chat,
So much yet so nothing.
An insight, jokes and plans.

Those moments,
That drift by so fast,
Yet feel, like I can stand there for a lifetime.

Hanging back, to help,
To chat, to ask.
To listen.

Time well spent,
Time so pure,
Not used, not wasted.

So mundane, yet valued.

Hanging back.
Letting it be,
Hanging back and letting life lead,
Letting it all work.

Hanging back.

Writing this and the last poems, thinking. Thinking about being, I’m okay, after a sleep, I’m feeling better, hopeful, thinking, and thinking back on some times recently, easily gone but at the same time not.

Out Of the Blue

Out of the blue,
A message,
Thought you were gone.
Hearing your voice,
Your cute chuckle.

A simple few words,
Making the day better,
Looking forward:
My work,
My passion,
To see you when you come back.

A hand,
You gave,
As before,
Grasping me from a dark pit.
Giving me feet,
So I can stand myself.

Up into the light.
Through and throughout.
Pain no match.
A mistake made,
I’m fixing,
Bit by bit.

Here it comes again,
As before.
Out of the blue,
And shining.
Showing unexpected care.
When I’ve lost it all,
Lost my care for others,
Care for life,
You show an act of kindness.

Just as you did before.

To help me find where I could be.
A better me.
An angel,
Appearing in the dark,
Bringing a torch,
To shine a light.

Written, receiving a call, out of the blue, from a friend, a person who showed me care, when I lost the will to go on, again, here, making the darkness bright when I feel lost. Even now, I’m feeling better than I would have been if it wasn’t for meeting them. The inspiration of Beauty In Your Own Way.

To Bear the Rough

To bear the rough,
To save you from my pain.
To bear the rough.
To form my path and make my way through.

Nothing to stop me,
To bear the rough, to help you.
Thinking, making, helping.
To bear the rough,
To make my way,
For all my friends,
To help,
To make,
To bear the rough,
To make my way.

A place to come from,
A path to take.
My time to bear the rough,

For those I truly care for,
To bear the rough.

Poem I’m writing, after the time I came up with the title, (10.30pm 28/11/17 – when I came up with the title and ‘felt’ the poem). I date it to when it was written completely. While writing later is for convenience as I may not have time in a busy day of work.

Wrote, I’m again feeling better than when I came up with the poem, just was thinking, thinking happily, what care truly means, what love does. To care for yourself, to also care for another. To help another, to carry a burden while they weather the storm, and to hide under their cover, while you weather your storms out. Thinking of someone I care about.

Idea 10.30pm, 28/11/17

Note to self: Most poems are published when written (and title made up). The few tonight are an exception I had made the names of the poems, while feeling them. Now I only need to write the rest and publish:

Memory of a Time
Reluctant Tear
Hate that I Love You, But I do.
To Bear the Rough

Life In The Greyscale

Life in the greyscale,

Passing by the sights,

Unable to feel the warmth, smell the scents, see the sights.

Living in the greyscale,
Devoid of colour,
All in grey.

I’ve realised life,
For what it is,
A lie or greyscale.

What many have tried to show me,
To get me to see the meaning,
To be content.

They misunderstand me,
Not to be content with a lie,
Even a beneficial one,
Now I’m left in the greyscale.

Thrown to the sharks of life,
By my friends,
Left to starve,
Left in torture,
Left without meaning, feeling, or acceptance.

By those who I’d give everything to.

Left in disappointment.

Looking for an answer,
But always confronted by the greyscale.

Left in the rain,
Seeing, but unfeeling.

As I walk through the greyscale.

The life that unfurls before me.

All grey, watched as it passes, but unfelt.

Intriguing but incomprehensible.

Empty and grey.

Thrown away from possible lies,
Acknowledging the greyscale,
Others wanted me to acknowledge:

Life rather than kindness,
Reality rather than care
Limitations rather than desires.

They threw me under,
Thrust the knife so deep.
Left me with nothing.

Less than nothing.

Left with nothingness in face of everything.

The fault of those who threw me to the greyscale.

Who ridiculed me. Who belittled me.

Trying to hold on. Determined to launch out, to break forth.

But for now,
I live,
In this life of greyscale.

Claim It All

Claim it all,

The day, along with the darkness of night.

The times once past.

The times gone cold.

The thoughts and the darkness.

Mine to claim, make my own.

To claim it all in the swirling tornado.

As the day shines,
The night coming.
The darkness looming clear.

Thrown off,
Thrown out.
To be made out and found.

As time numbing living makes clear.
The time freezes.
The temperature goes cold.
The night sky lights bright.

Left in a world gone cold,
Gone fake and empty.
Claiming it all,
My piece, my home.

Waiting. Watching. Thinking.

Listening as the birdsong fades.
The feeling sapped,
The questions rage.
The questions of life.

Left thinking.
Claiming them as my own.
My own.

The endless existence.
The wondering.
The night comes.
The emptiness looms,
With no path. No answer.

I claim it all.

As it claims me.


Those things to guide you,

To bring you joy,

Bring you the drive to action.

To bring you meaning and determination.

To make you who you are,

Guide you to fulfilling your potential.

Guide you to living life,

Making a life from your living.

Aspirations and their intricate workings,

Ever-so present in your mind.

Aspirations, to give you the drive.