Make Its Worth

Making its worth in the face of the dark,
Finding,
Making,
Mending.

Forming and raging.
Standing and staying.

Making its worth,
Forming from nothingness,
Reminder of the past,
Formed through the fire and the flames,
Breaking until known,
Till it cannot be felt.


Mixed day, feeling good now I guess. People pissing me off and making me not aware whether it’s my overthinking. Highlighting the problem with my memory, lingering while events for others fade and leaves me remembering and thinking of something that has passed for others.

But ended with chats with awesome people and stuff. A reminder that some shit can be good.

Can’t be bothered putting any effort or care or worth in people who are toxic, they’ll just drown in their own toxicity.

Poem drifted across ideas and tbh isn’t finished, lost interest as I am distracted.

Make Its Worth

To make its worth,
A new day, new time,
Living,
A time,
A wondrous re-emergence.
Saving from the cold.

A time,
Unlike another,
Apart,
Now in the moment,
Its worth made,
Looking back on another.

Sit here thinking,
At peace within the mind,
A turbulent storm,
Calmed.
At peace,
Contemplating meaning,
Contemplating worth.
A question of life,
The question.

To find worth,
Make worth,
Make meaning.

All a game,
Random,
Built and shaped.

The infrequent reminder,
A demonstration,
A finding.

Of worth within the noise.
Time within the chaos.
Meaning in the abstract.
Motivation in the emptiness.

All in effort,
To try,
To make its worth.


Writing this, today’s been a good day, not an amazing one like last couple, but good, good because of them, everything going okay, fitting together and being finally good.

Feeling a little happy-sad, happy because today’s been good, sad because the last couple of days were amazing, but happy because those amazing days, make the others all worth it.

Worth The Feeling

Worth the feeling
The wait, the time,
Worth it for the feeling,
Worth it for the briefest of times.
It was it,
Worth it,
For that time.

It was a could,
A potentiality,
The times that make the world shine,
Shine bright,
Those times, the world shines.

Bright as the morning rise.

For a mere moment,
A kindest smile.
A help.

A moment, life given,
Life made worth.

Worth.

Worth the feeling.


Thinking, feeling, thinking, pondering. Thinking of life, times, feelings. How, everything can be perfect, in those smallest littlest things. Problems come and go, so do the most divine feelings, those, with the memories keeping them alive, so that they’ll never fade.

I’ve come so far, escaped such shit darkness, but, it gets better, bit by bit, a smallest moment can show it all. A true happiness. Only for a time, but until the next.

Also writing this watching a touching episode of The Walking Dead, not what you’d think, but still.

Written, hanging out, arranging to hang out with a friend, one, we started talking by random chance, a random comment, one time around Christmas. Feeling mixed today, but totally amazing right now.

Blog on Value and Deception

A quick blog but more really a note to myself.

I’ve never believe I’ve been smart even though I am told endlessly by everyone. I accept it when people tell me but never really believe it. Kind of (but also slightly different) like when people say I’m nice, I accept it (but what is different is that I know I’m nice and totally hate it with a passion hence I wish I was more like Negan from the Walking Dead, quick summary of him, a person who is badass, if he doesn’t like someone then he gets what he wants no matter what affect it has on anyone).

One quick aside, even over Christmas I met a close friend’s uncle (I think), got on with him really well and I was warned he’d ask me loads and loads of questions (and he did) one of the many was ‘are you smart?’. My answer as usual is, “kind of, but I cannot really be the judge of that” and then to go on how everyone is smart in their own right (something I wrote about on a different blog, a more academic one I have on WordPress).

Studying history at university you very occasionally come across people who seem to have encyclopaedic knowledge on random or niche topics. I must be one of them but never thought of it like that. What brought this up earlier today, was a friend told me their topic and I recommended a film I studied prior and they having researched their topic hadn’t come across that film that fits their entire topic perfectly, looking at gender, and class in courtship between 1930 and 1940. I picked a ‘perfect film’.

And through my whole academic studies from the start of secondary school to now doing a Masters, many, many classmates have always asked me and even specifically me questions about the course, assessment and stuff, I mean at me personally through direct message. My friend, or the two friends I helped today I know it’s okay and they didn’t ask and it wasn’t a problem for me. As most. I just like helping as I have this stuff in my head and I may as well make use of it if it’s taking up space in my head.

This leads me to the less optimistic part. I have been used many times since the start of secondary school I have been used for my head. Not that I really ever realised. That’s a bit I need to improve upon. Seeing through the most terrible people who merely think of themselves, use to their own ends and discards. People who are my antithesis in how I think.

My antithesis because I help because helping is good, it’s usually easy and non-costly, and even when it has been I often do it anyway. But it’s hard to see in my own head that’s not how others work.

I will not change how I help people, without expectation of gain. But I will keep an eye out and not offer help to those unkind, hurtful, accusation all, manipulative and self-seeking.

The problem comes, at least for me, to tell the difference. To give kindness to those who deserve it. To leave those who don’t To their own lives.

I am feeling okay, this blog post, may not be riveting, but has been very personal and cathartic for me. I hope someone else finds something of use in this.

Defiant to the Face

Defiant,
To those who hurt me,
Without a care.

Defiance to make my own,
Make my world.

To forge it in the fires of my passion.
Defiant in the face of the demons,
Enpassioned to my end.

To make a change to make the world better,
Brighter.
For all whom I care.
For all who I consider friends.

To cast out the emptiness and the pain.
To cast out the demons and the careless.

To find people,
Worth finding,
To care for,
People worth it.
To be with,
People, who will finally be right,
Just being with.

Sad Contentment

Sad contentment,
The realisation.
A sad goodbye.

Realising the pain,
The total bliss.
The amazing times and the rough ones.
Are not worth the pain,
The pain of a turned back,
An enjoyed pain,
Waiting and hurting.

A sad contentment,
From the realisation.
Of what is worth, and what isn’t.
What I saw as worth,
What I always believed,
With others telling me to go.
I always stayed.
To make sure the okay.

A sad contentment,
The realisation I was wrong.
That it’s not worth it.
Even as I still think it might be.
It isn’t.

Back to the hatred to pull myself from it,
Underpinned by a sad contentment.
Realising.
Reluctantly.

The saddest goodbye I’ve never wanted to say.
But I have to,
With sad contentment.
Wishing to stay,
But knowing I cannot,
I’ve known for a while.

But convinced myself otherwise,
To get at that high,
Those smallest of moments,
Smallest of times, making the whole world bright.
Making everything better.

Knowing I have to go, but wanting to stay,
Linger a little longer,
To get to know.

But I have to go.
Off into the wild brush.
With a sad contentment,
I tried,
What I could.
Tried to be the best I could be.

A sad contentment,
Being better, stronger.
The goodbye, a show of strength against all I wanted.
The need of a goodbye.

A sad contentment, getting by.
A sad contentment.
A sad goodbye,
One I do not want to say.

Off I go.
In sad contentment,
Times and feelings that I’ll miss.
Knowing I tried.

Off I go,
In sad contentment,


Writing, I’m okay, in realisation. I care, I don’t want anyone thinking I don’t. I care, I don’t hate, could never hate (at least not truly to my heart). But. Sometimes you need to get out, even though their are good times, even if they all outweigh any bad, and even make the bad very temporary. I’m tired living a lie. A lie I’ve told myself for so long. I always value truth, especially to myself, the only thing I’d ever consider lying to myself. But I cannot anymore.

One Worth It

One worth it,
Waiting, one worth the wait,
Worth my care,
My love.

Out there,
To be revealed,
When I least expect.
In those smallest of moments.

One, to care for,
In all their times of need.
Willing to let me in.
One to rely on,
Who knows,
They can rely on me.

To face their demons.
My hand in theirs,
The whole way.
To face mine,
With them,
By my side.

To conquer the darkness,
Together.
And walk out stronger, victorious.

Worth the wait.
To find the diamond.
A diamond in the rough.

Beauty in an unexpected place,
An unexpected moment.
A person flawed,
But beautiful all the same.


Thinking about love,care and what it means to me to share yourself with someone who wants to do the same. Such beauty can be found, in such unexpected places. Perfect in their “imperfections”. A subjective beauty, subjective perfection all the same.

Finally.

Finally.

Looking up,
Looking out,
Into the wide world to come,
A happy warmth, to be found.
Has graced me with its presence.
Provided me meaning.

Reignited,
The burning passion and fire,
That had been so close to dying.
Flaring up,
Into a bonfire of hope, happiness and determination.
To make my all worth it.
To make it through.
To drag others into the light, when lost in the dark.
Owing it to myself, to others,
Who have helped me.

Finally the light has come over the horizon.
A moment I never thought would come,
Even as I was always told.

A burning passion deep within me,
Finally being found.
Burning from the deep,
To reach on high.

To shake life to the core,
Make it mine,
To make it know me.

Finally, the happiness has come and reached me,
A hand reaching through into the darkness,
Plucking me out,
Dragging me out,
Saving me from the consuming darkness.

Finding myself on the outside,
Owing to continue the work.
Finally living in the light,
The bright warmth of day.
To push myself into darkness and try to pull others out.

The light shall guide me.
Save me from succumbing.
Shall save me from downing.

Finally, the light and warmth as my armour,
To fight away the darkness.
To move into the light.

Finally.

It has come.

I have made it.

It has made me.

Finally.

Not Worth The Pain

Not worth this pain,

The feeling,

Kindness and care,

The disregarded looks and selfish means,

The oblivious attitude,

And the devious motives.

Behind the backs,

Left in confusion,

At what is real, meant, or said.

Feeling, caring,

Not worth the pain, yet also is.

For the mere smile of a friend.

Can turn your mood and life around.

Bringing to light, what only saw darkness.

Is it worth the pain?

Even for rare. Yet ecstatic happiness?

Your Kindness, Your Care,

Your kindness and care,

You offer, it’s comfort surrounds me,

Compliments the concurrent pain.

I appreciate it, but it still provides pain.

It’s funny, this simultaneous kindness, care and pain.

I love it, I hate it,

But I love you,

In vain, but that’s the fact, that’s the reality.

Seeing you happy, in whatever form that takes,

That means the world to me,

I would do anything to help,

Even if it causes me more pain.

That help you may gain from it,

Would make it worth it.

The pain, kindness and care,

All supplementing one another.

 

I cannot offer much, but kindness, care and love.
But that is me,
No matter how you hate it.
That is me.
No matter how you don’t want it.

I will be around, to offer this kindness and care.

If you ever want, ever need.

This is me,
My Kindness
My Care.