The Day My Life Changed

The day,
Unexpected,
Unusual.

Sharing in a normal day,
Losing track of all the time.
One thing to the next,
The ebbs and flows of the river.
The beauty of a simple time,
Simple,
Open,
Freeing.

A beautiful day,
The one that changed.
It changed me.
In little to no time.

A sweet time.
As the sun shines,
The birds sing and the world seems brighter.

So nice,
Casual living,
Living and being.
Being… in the moment and free.

So thankful, for the beautiful time,
The time, the day that changed me.

---

Feeling amazing, everything is good, everything is perfect. Met a friend, for a casual day taking photos on Tuesday, then we chatted so much instead of any photos. Later met at a bar which again was amazing. Chatting for like 4 hours. Met them everyday since but one for like a week. Thursday, we met up for a house party before going out clubbing. So much. So good. Friday she met me after I finished work, we met up for some food, and then chilled on some grass chatting and playing around before staying over at their’s. Saturday we chilled for a bit before getting ready for a DnB night out, such an amazing night. So amazing. So amazing. And even today, Sunday, I met them before their shift to see them, chat as they didn’t feel well, and it was all cool.

This week,
Has honestly been the best one ever.
Nothing bad has happened. Longest time without anxiety, without any negative feelings, maybe the occasional, but then remembering this week, what’s happened, it just makes the negative feelings just float away. They care, and I care about them more than anyone else. It’s amazing.

Everything’s just pure, casual, amazing and being is perfect.

Fear of Happiness

How the fear takes hold, makes, warps every decision.
Breaks apart the mind.
Takes apart. Life.

The feeling

Thinking and swirling, mind out of control.

Pain, sharp and piercing,
A flame burning,
Blistering within my mind,
Wrapping around and smothering.

Breaking me from inside.
Throwing me into the dark sea of sadness.
Lost without anything.

As I try, and I try and try.
Waves crashing and stopping me dead.
As I try and tire,
It throws me, just throws me overboard.
Losing all the energy,
Just throws me, into a sea of anxiety.

Even now, I feel my mind,
Trying in vain,
To find happiness, I see the thoughts, but they’re swatted away, feared.

A mind, not my own.
As the demons have returned, stronger,
In that they control the escape,
They control the ship’s steering.
They block the view of any other way.

They tear, rip and shred.
Uncaring the demons torture.
They rip my mind apart.

Left with nothing,
But hoping for an escape,
Any path to take.
Anxiety getting too great.

Anxiety;
Over the fear,
Over happiness,
Over the fear of happiness,
Over the past and how it’s caused this.

Clawing at the sides,
Of this well as I drown,
So dark down here inside,
Seeing no outside.
Pitch black. As I fall down and down.

It all, getting all too much.
All too much.

I cannot stand.

I cannot stand it all,
Cannot stand anything.
Cannot stand the pain and anxiety,
How my mind fights itself and fights me.
How it corrupts and rips apart at my insides.

I want to feel happy,
Want to try,
Thinking even now,
After all this.
A small inkling of happiness,
I know, where to place my mind to find it.
But everytime.
My mind also shuts it down.
Shuts it out.
I see, I want to try.
But again, always, my mind is shutting it out.
Fearful, fearing, and avoiding.
Corrupting. Tiring.

It takes these small moments,
And it hides them,
Showing them as false,
Showing them to be illusions.
Showing nothing in the way forward.

How I want to try and hold,
What little hope,
I see it, off in the distance,
Even now, I smile slightly, at the thought.
Knowing it’ll be shut down.

But.

Hold onto the thought.
Hold onto the memory.
No matter the scars,
It holds me to life,
Keeps my attention,
Makes me feel life,
Onwards looking at it as it drifts,
Into the distance.
What a little, simple, ray of hope.

Even if it will be extinguished,
I’ll hold onto the thought, for just a little while.

---

Been on the verge of breakdown all day, sad and thinking, my birthday always causes me sadness, don’t want to do anything for it. Sad and thinking, spiralling out control. Sad. Thinking about me. Thinking about everything. Not tired but exhausted with everything. Sad about everything, so tired at work, so much I want to do but no time. Thinking and thinking. Always. Hopes, future, a crush and all sorts of shit. All bringing me down. And me helpless to try. Just exhausted. Sick and tired. My brain, seeing every bit of happiness and trying to crush it before getting hurt, or fearing getting hurt, scars of the past I guess. Scars I thought healed, forgot, over but the glass still cuts in my arm. The shard still in my mind.

So much I want to do in so many areas of my life, but too exhausted to try anymore. I have hope, but my mind crushes it, stops it, fears trying. I hope, I want to try, but so exhausted, so fearful it’s paralysing. I’m so done with everything and want it all to stop. Just want it to stop.

Tired of the constant pain. Anxiety. Fears. Emptiness and feeling.

I feel dead but unfortunately not, don’t like to say, but wish it true.

Funny how feeling can bring everything yet also take it away, at the same time.

Feels like PTSD of the past, causing me to fight happiness, to fear it, to put a stop to it. It’s a new feeling, one I cannot explain for the life of me. Cannot understand. It feels like a war inside my mind, one I’ve already lost. Fearing. Always fearing. Fearing life.

Hate it. All decisions, made for me, from the past. All fear. All hatred and hurt. Just hating. Wanting change. But all paralysed.

Any small happiness, for the smallest moment, and seeing, and then, I feel it, the slap within my mind, as it stops it dead. Replacing it with emptiness, or worse, depression. Unable to feel happiness in this state. The mind trying, and then slapped aside. The war going on within my mind, like its own entity, that I cannot even move, or shape, or try.

It’s sad, I’ve not been in this state or pure sadness in a long time, but it’s different, it’s different, this is one, not affecting general mood (although it is too) but affecting the movement of a mood from that state.

Been writing this on and off for many hours now. I don’t know. The little ray of hope, what makes me smile, even despite all this. I try. Try to hold on, to hope, to feel. I know it’ll be crushed. But I’ll hold onto it for a little bit. Before it goes.

Disappointed

Just disappointed,
With what thrown my way.

Unable, to take a step back.
Unable to forward.
Left.

Just wishing

Wanting. Just empty. Wishing. Just left.
Empty.

Nothing to turn to.
Every way I think leads in emptiness.

It all.
Just cannot.

---

Just disappointed. In myself. In people. All people. Hope leads only to disappointment.

I starved myself in my first year of Uni. Even went into a store to feel less hungry, eating food through my eyes. All my degree never got what I wanted. Anxiety and all. All only to afford my degree. Only barely. Everything. First time I really second guess my decision to move. Move. I don’t want to go home. Left with nothing. I can’t be bothered. The new year. Hasn’t started well. I guess it’s never started well for me. My worst days are others’ amazing ones. All I can do is drink and just drink.

All the pain, struggle, for nothing. All to show for it, a façade. A pretence for others.

I just give up. Just wish my body would let me. Depression is always. Anxiety is always. I just try not to notice it. Just try not to think about it.

Just had a plan, a party to spend New Year’s, was effectively cancelled as soon as I left for it, drinking on the beach alone, couldn’t be bothered to stay 30 mins for fireworks. Regret going out. Regret not staying for fireworks. Regret not going home for the holidays, would regret staying home for New Year’s Eve. I have one wish since I was 12 and it’s always been out of reach. But I wish. Staying for reasons not your own. Chained, but not being what you want.

One Step At A Time

One step at a time,
One step into and through place.

Thinking,
Grateful,
And making it.

Taking it all one step,
Step by step,
At a time.

Trying,
Feeling,
Being.

Trying,
To be,
Trying to be.
All the while.

Trying, trying.
Trying to be my best.

Trying into the calling into the night.

Knowing,
And trying through the darkness,
To be in place,
To find my time.

Trying to be.
One step at a time.

Trying, writing, speaking.
Out in the world.

Letting the world speak softly,
Whispers of pain,
Memories of torture,
It’s all the same.
In my step by step.

As the world speaks,
I trying,
Facing it all.

A tear,
Shed because I am tired.
But once again,
Step by step down this road I tread,

Making this path,
Trying,
To be,
Despite the pain of the past.

Taking this path.
One step at a time.

---

First day I haven’t been going out in like a week. Finally can write. Has been really stressful and the last couple of days really good. Today’s been good. Happy with friends I work with, happy and needed this time, a lot of times with friends and drinking.

I’ve needed this. After an especially rough time.

Been a good day, relaxed, and now pondering of life, pain, times.

Off Into The Night

Off into the night I go,
All calm and at peace,
Off to be pondering into the darkest of night skies,
Thinking, pondering off into the world.

All is peaceful,
A world,
So large,
Left to ponder, to question.
To be.
To feel the sting of the cold wind.
It feels good,
To feel,
A reminder, memory,

To get used and past,
Put a stamp,
Cordon off,
Embracing the cold night sky.
At peace,
As all the cars pass by.
All of the times,
Laid to rest.
Just as with the passing of time.

As the scar heals,
The mind does not.
But hope to be found.
In all the smallest moments to come,
As they all pass,
All of the people,
The slightest moments.
Come and they pass.

Odd moments in time.
As it all can shine.
No matter how hard to find.

The pieces,
As they’re cut out.
A reminder,
Piece by piece lost.
Peace.

Stronger through it all.
Broken, scarred but stronger.

Lost in the moment now.
Losing myself in the present, of those moments of normalcy.
An escape.

As life grows,
It changes,
Fades and finds.
The pain running deep,
Finally finding peace.

Peace in it all.

Long time fighting,
Still fighting,
At least life,
Finding in the slightest grasp.

With those all so close,
Holding me so close,
And I hold back.
Golden souls,
Throughout it all.
Give me my shield and sword.
I shall move,
To fight and try to work.

The mind in all those moments.
It.
Go off into time.

---

Writing this, feeling alright, thinking. Got an unexpected message from a friend, which was nice. While writing this. Very mixed messages, but then, it is the mind’s stream of consciousness.

The Simple Moment

The simple moment,
A simple time,
All laid, on the table,
Casual conversation through it all.

From nothing into being,
Casual time, after casual time.

This simple moment,
Simple, beautiful, but still so simple.
A casual being,
But made into perfection,
Through its simple nature.

Reminiscent,
Of how, you can see the world in a sunset,
On a cliff edge,
A seascape or a mountaintop.
Simple moments in time,
Simple moments of location,
Seeing purity from simplicity.
Such a casual-perfect endeavour.

When, you look, back-round.
A realisation hits of this perfection,
Nerves come around,
Kindness, unsual but found.
A simple time, able to show,
A true self buried deep.
Aspects ignored for being alone,
But now not?

These times, moments, so simple,
Yet also so perfect that it confounds my mind.
My brain, understanding the dichotomy,
While also not.
Like a puzzle when solved, but continues to pose questions.

A perfect night,
Casual night,
A mutual goodbye-hello.
From a time been waiting for ages,
While concurrently new and out-of-the-blue.

With so many chances,
Chance on chance on chance,
Making this night,
Line up,
Making us light up.

From the laughs and smiles,
The night’s remembered.
From everything and the feeling.
The night’s cherished.

From everything,
The feeling, simplicity and humanity.
The night’s legacy.

All from but a simple moment,
A night in,
Meal,
Conversation,
Between two nerds.

Uncapturable simplicity,
Uncapturable significance
Uncapturable perfection.
Cherished in all its meaning.

Goodbye or not. The moment lives on,
A reminder of goodness,
Of all that can.

This perfect, simple moment.

---

Writing this, trying to capture, the feeling, thoughts, seeing my friend yesterday, for our movie night with cooked dinner and Ben & Jerry’s chats of the past, goals, achievements, dreams and so much more.

Honestly, it was so casual, so, I guess ‘nothing’ but was a perfect night. A perfect night, being able to be myself, be nerdy, chatted Pokemon, something I hadn’t really talked about in ages. Their clear nerdy but cute capability to name them all, and know all things anime. Such a simple moment. One I wished I could capture, but know before writing this that I cannot. But that, I guess, is part of the beauty, as my friend in America says, (paraphrasing/ my interpretation) that beauty comes from the fleeting moment, its being in the moment. What I wrote last night, I felt drunk, very, but totally sober, drunk on life, happy with everything, ecstatic.

Now more calm, collected but still ecstatically happy. My mind running clearer again.

For It All

For it all,
The beautiful song in the dark,
Light in the blackest of nights.

The life, left in the moment,
The poetry of time.
Life singing through all this time.

The speaking of the moment,
The life and the living,
Moments not yet spoken,
Moments in the balance,
Waiting, being.

Wanting to be better,
To show my colours shine.
To embody my world,
And make it all worthwhile.

Trying,
Beauty,
The life to be lived and held.
A world in the making.

Always limited in the meaning,
The being,
Making of it all.

The delicate times,
Moments shared and made,
Thinking of it all,
The uncertain path ahead,
The hurt of the goodbye,
Hoping it is but for a time.

To bring, and make this time mine.

A time to shines.
To make it mine.

---

Writing this, thinking of my friend I’m meeting up with again, thinking about lots, the past another friend reminded me of. Lots to think of, the messages we send and make, the times we hung out. All amazing. Making me better, wanting to be better. Making me want to stretch and encompass the world.

Been talking also to my American friend, thinking, hoping that all I could do, could make them feel, even a little better. They truly deserve it. I can do nothing, but will do my all, give my all, and make it count.

Little Hope

This little hope,
A flame burning bright,
Flickering, yes, but ever-burning.

No matter the cold air rush,
The flame burns on, through,
A little hope.
A hope for what is to come,
A path to take,
A try at giving it all.

A little hope,
A show of faith,
A kindness shown,
To bring me back,
To help me find the path.
To find my path,
To show me to look,
To find what I seek,
What I hope.

This little hope,
A little hope,
An enjoyment to the trials,
Which I’ll overcome.

Looking back,
Those trials I have overcome,
The many,
Always fade to monotony,
But to remember,
What I have done.

Against all odds,
I’ve  given my all,
To claim what wasn’t in sight.
To grab what I could not achieve.
To achieve it.

A little hope,
My guide,
A path for my determination,
To aim my path.
Aim my drive.

This little hope.

---

Writing this, had a really rough start to today, a rough night last night. Feeling better, good seminars, learnt more, support from my teachers, joking with me, giving jokes and support for the path I want to take, feeling more hopeful. Feeling a lot better. And after this improvement in my day, a kind friend messaged me, nothing much, but wondering if I was free to meet up. I wasn’t, but this message, helped me to see more clearly, helped again, provide hope when I stopped bothering to look. When I gave up, a choice, but also not one.

Feeling a little hopeful.

Thanks to the kind friend, who without knowing anything was being done, has helped me tonnes. Thank you. Hope to see you soon!

Standing the Edge

Standing at the edge,
Before the drop,
Thoughts running wide.
Pain, always felt inside,

The clear-as-day,
Nothing around,
Standing at the edge,
The many choices of existence.

With many choices, there are also none.
An ever-lasting pain.
Standing at the edge,
Wanting it to end.

So.
For now. I stand.
At the edge, hoping for it to end.

---

Thinking, when you do something you shouldn’t, you know it’ll hurt, and it does. Pains you, even more than normal, but. Yeah. Existence is great pain, it never changes, unless you choose to lie to yourself. As with all lies, they work, for a time. Being someone who always tries to look for truth, it always leads to pain. Where the only answer is to stand, wait, hope, for it to stop. To get through, knowing it won’t.

Those Who Care

Those who care,
Those moments,
That care and that feeling I don’t understand.
Those friends,
So far and away.

Those from my attention,
Always placed in it.
Forced within it,
Those within it.
The strong, powerful and amazing.

Those who push out.
Strong and amazing.
Making me whole.

Making the world make sense,
Even vicariously.

Breathing made easy,
Living,
Loving made better.
The world made meaningful.

A world of beauty,
With care and wholeness.
A world of total beauty.
I looked forward to,
Nothing to compare.

Beauty of life to behold,
To hold,
To love,
To live,
And make my own.

The whole world found,
When lost in the dark.
The wholeness, beauty
And whole.

---

As always, dedicated to my bestest of friends, the person I care about more than the whole world. The person who has been there. The person I would give my life for. Who has given me the strength to go on, no matter what has happened. ❤️